Travel gods

I'm not entirely sure what I've done in order to anger the travel gods but I have done one heck of a good job at it!  Why you might ask?  Let me tell you...

About 27 hours ago now, I was packing my suitcase in order to leave Mom and Dad's (which we already know from past writings that I don't do well with goodbyes in any way, shape or form) and was just about to head to bed.  My phone was on the nightstand, was on silent, and it buzzed once - which for my phone signifies an email.  I usually only get junk emails in the middle of the night so I almost ignored it.  Something told me to just check it since it would only take about 2.5 seconds to delete said junk email.  Was I ever glad I checked it...  It was an email from the airline telling me at midnight that my 4 pm flight was cancelled.  Rather than just waiting (as the email suggested), I got on the phone with the airline.  After being informed by the robot voice that my call was very important to them, I was told that my wait time would be approximately an hour!  Being it was the middle of the night, I was obviously not amused...

Since I didn't have much else to do in the middle of the night while I was on hold (since I didn't want to wake up my parents or their dogs), I began to search for possible alternative flights.  I found there was one out of an airport about 2.5 hours from my parent's a few minutes before a customer service representative answered the phone.  They said they were sorry about my situation after I explained what had happened (even though I could hear in their voice that they were more indifferent) and they didn't see any flights until the next day and then they couldn't guarantee any connecting flights after that point.  I brought up the flight I had found and they didn't know what I was talking about.  I had to give them the flight number (in which they responded, "you DO realize what airport that's out of, right?"; yes, I do since I found the flight)) and then they were able to book me on that flight.

I left a note in the bathroom for my parents to find in the morning and then I went to bed.  After a few hours of broken sleep, I got up to inform my parents about what had happened in the middle of the night.  They drove me to the airport that my flight was now out of and while I was sitting at the gate, I got another email from the airline.  The next connecting flight along my journey was already slated to be delayed at least 2 hours and they were still hoping I would make the next (and final) connection.  Yeah, that didn't happen...  The connecting flight was about the 2 hours late, I missed my connection and am on the AM flight from this airport.  So, I find myself sitting overnight in an airport yet again...

Granted, I did talk to a ticket agent a little bit ago and they actually presented me with a hotel voucher (there is a first for everything!).  I am glad though that one of their comments made me pause and I did a check on the hotel they wanted me to spend the night in...  Their comment was they had "stuck" me there for the night (they also told me there were no other options unless I wanted to pay for a hotel room out of pocket) and they shook their head.  As I walked away, that really didn't sit well with me.  Before walking out through the point of no return of the airport, I stopped and checked the reviews of this particular hotel on my phone and boy am I glad I did!  "Dirty."  "Creepy vibe/evil."  "Didn't get much sleep."  Comments like that didn't really sit well with me...  I figured I would be safer at the airport so I stayed.  Time will tell if that was the correct decision or not...

Yes, I may have been able to get a couple of hours of sleep but maybe not.  I also didn't relish the thought of having to go through airline security yet again (because I would've needed to get up very early in the AM in order to catch the shuttle from the hotel to the airport and then go through all of the security checkpoints again).  Oh, well.  I made my decision and if it was a good one or not I have to live with the consequences of said decision (travel voucher "expired" 20-25 minutes ago).

I guess what I wish is that this isn't how my travel experience ended.  I had a GREAT time visiting with family these past couple of weeks and now this is how it wraps up.  Yes, the story of it is an adventurous one but I just want to not be in an airport anymore...  I guess how I just need to learn how to look at things is I can't let this mishap of getting from my parent's house back to my apartment ruin my trip as a whole.  Yes, it can frustrate me and make me want to pull my hair out - but what good will that do?  I'm sure at this point you're asking yourself, "why in the world is she just figuring that out now after we've read her ranting and raving about it?!?" (at least I hope you're still reading at this point...).  You know me at this point, my dear readers, and sometimes I just need to get things out of my system.

As I said, I had a GREAT time visiting with family and am already looking forward to the next opportunity I'll have to be with them all again.  Well, my dear readers, I think I'm going to bring this to a close for this evening (very early morning), I wish you all the very best for the New Year ahead and can't wait to write to you again on the flip side of 2014!  Be safe out there!  =)

"At least it's not snowing..."

"Well...  At least it's not snowing!"  I have heard that phrase quite a bit in the last week and I (for one) am tired of hearing it.  For the last number of days it has done nothing but rain and be cold at my parent's house and while there is still a little bit of snow on the ground (they had some pretty good snow last weekend), it is difficult for me to think that Christmas is a few days away.  Because of where I grew up, I have almost always equated snow with the Christmas season.  Living where I do now, I find it difficult to get excited about Christmas when the temperature rarely changes and the most precipitation you'll get for the holidays is rain (maybe fog but more likely it will be rain).  I love snow and while there was quite a bit on the ground and more falling when I was visiting my Grandma, I'm going to be a bit greedy and say that I want more snow before I leave next week...

This past week was a whirlwind of driving to see my Grandma (my Mom's mom) and coming back to my parent's house.  Dad went with me and we had a very nice trip in my opinion.  He drove the areas along the way that I wasn't thrilled with traffic wise (which I greatly appreciated) and then he let me drive through the blizzard as he took a nap.  =)  After getting past the area along the trip that I didn't really want to drive, Dad said it was time to switch so he could close his eyes for a bit.  Since he had driven that section that makes me tense, I quickly hopped in the driver's seat.  He laughed when I got super exited that I didn't have to move his seat so I could reach the pedals but I could move the pedals themselves (yes, I was easily impressed)!  I began to drive and he shut his eyes.  As I was driving along, the sky was getting more and more grey.  Then the snow began to fall - little flakes at first but then they got bigger and more of their friends came to play.  There were places I was driving where it was difficult to see the person driving in front of me and where the white lines along the side of the road were.  Despite that, we made it safely to our destination.

Yes, there were some moments of very tense shoulders and hand cramps from gripping the steering wheel but I would have much preferred to drive through the snow that I did than drive in the rain.  I am one who when it's raining is not a happy camper.  I know lots of people who love the rain - the love watching/listening to it; they love to be out in it; they just plain enjoy the rain.  I am definitely not one of those people...

I had a great time visiting with my Grandma (it's been a number of years since I have seen her) but it was too quick of trip in my opinion.  I knew it was going to be a whirlwind of a trip from the start but I wish that I would have had the opportunity to spend more time with her.  My Grandma has always understood me in a way that only my parent's have understood me.  While it was a little strange for me to be in her house again (it's been some time since I've been there), it was full of childhood memories and we had nice long conversations.  I had the opportunity to see one of my uncles and aunts and their daughter while I was up there too so it was a great trip!

Driving back to my parent's house we stopped to have a quick meal with my Grandpa (my Dad's dad) and we ended up spending the night in a hotel.  Dad was flipping through channels and we came across an Aliens marathon.  We watched the end of the first one and the beginning of the second one before deciding to turn off the TV since it didn't make sense to keep watching it if I haven't seen any of the Alien movies.  Next morning, bright and early, we were back on the road.  Luckily there wasn't another blizzard but we ended up coming across quite a bit of road construction.  One of the things that helped to pass the time was an app Dad had on his iPad called Waze.  Shameless plug -- if you don't have this app it is a TON of fun if you have to drive any sort of a distance because you have other people telling you about travel conditions ahead of you and if you warn other drivers about hazards, you get points (SIX POINTS!)  Even though we didn't ever really figure out what the points were for, it was still fun (we figured we were having so much fun with it since we were pretty loopy from our whirlwind trip at that point).

Back to the rain...  Standing in the cold rain last night for about an hour and a half solidifies the fact that I do not like the rain.  I asked my sister if I could take my oldest nephew to see live reindeer in an open shopping plaza last night and she thought he would love it.  He invited his Oma and Opa along (my parents), so the four of us went.  While it was lots of fun to watch him pet Jingle Belle and Candy Cane (the two reindeer), it was not fun to do so in the cold rain.  We then saw a group of people lined up to go into a small gingerbread looking house nearby.  Of course we joined the line of people who were standing in line to see Santa.  Luckily we were some of the few who had umbrellas but even huddling under them we were freezing.  Santa (when we finally go in to see him) was fabulous and was everything you think Santa looks like.  My nephew and his Oma had matching reindeer hats which Santa loved!  The picture of my nephew and Santa is adorable (the only good thing that came from standing outside in the cold were his little cheeks were as rosy as could be) and I'm excited that I get to take one of the prints home with me (it will probably find itself sitting on my desk at work at least for a little bit once I have to go back).

One of the other things that has happened this past week is I have been introduced to another TV series.  I was introduced to it against my will, been forced to watch episodes of it and I hate to say I have been sucked in...  My parents (and a couple of other family members) couldn't believe I hadn't watched any episodes of Dr. Who so I had to be introduced/indoctrinated.  We have almost completed season one of the new series and we will probably watch more episodes tonight.

Well, if I am going to watch more adventures of the TARDIS tonight and with another whirlwind week ahead, I should probably bring this to a close.  Already planned for this upcoming week is a birthday party for my oldest nephew, ice skating with one of my brother's and his girlfriend, Christmas festivities, a basketball game and who knows what other sort of troubles we'll find ourselves in.  I wish each and every one of you dear readers a very Merry Christmas and I hope you are able to spend time with loved ones (and that there is no rain but there is snow).

Journey/Adventures

Another week has come and gone and I find myself sitting in front of the keyboard yet again.  This week I'm not writing from my usual keyboard but it's my bright red travel keyboard.  Luckily though I am not writing to you from an airport this time but from my parent's living room in a chair right next to the Christmas tree we decorated last night.  This was one of the big things I mentioned last week that I had to prepare for but let's start at the beginning of the week...

I knew going into the week that I would have several large projects to take care of at work before coming on my extended vacation.  I had a few meetings, a couple of on-line trainings, had schedules to create/modify, had a list of things to go over with a relatively new employee who had to take on my responsibilities while I'm away, say good-bye to a coworker who was leaving, etc.  It was an exhausting week just from going to work alone...  Thankfully I got everything accomplished at work that I set out to do (and I even did an out of office email message and phone message - two things I have never done before) and I feel confident that things will run just fine without me for the time that I'm away.

Because I felt as if I had so much work to accomplish this past week, I was unable to accomplish everything I wanted to around my apartment before leaving on my vacation.  Honestly, I just plain ran out of time.  There were several things that I kept telling myself I would put off because I still had plenty of time before I left - and then, I simply had no time left.  I finished packing my suitcase at midnight the night I left because I hadn't taken care of that earlier (that wasn't one of my brightest moves since I needed to be up at about 3 AM to shower/get ready and then head to the airport for my very early flight).  Oh, well.  All lessons for next time I guess. Start getting ready for vacation earlier and that's that.  Granted, I can't worry about the things I feel as if I didn't accomplish before my trip because they will still be sitting there waiting for me to take care of them upon my return.

I'm probably going to jinx my return trip already by saying thankfully my flights to my parent's were uneventful except for having to inform a gentleman that he was occupying my seat on one of the planes.  I had upgraded one of my seats to an exit row seat (it was a few hour flight) and I informed the gentleman that it was my seat.  I could tell he was a big guy and would've probably enjoyed sitting in the seat with more leg room (he even tried to convince me to just take his seat since he "was already settled into the seat" and I stood up for myself and told him that it was my seat.  He ended up moving and I felt pretty good about not just giving into him.  =)

I've only been here for two days (three nights) and quite a bit has already taken place.  My parents picked me up at the airport and when we got back to their house, my sister, her husband and two kids were pulling up to the house and they were here visiting for a couple of hours.  Overnight we then got a "snow storm" and we woke up to a number of inches of snow and the snow was still falling.  In the midst of this blizzard, my sister came to pick me up and take me to the tattoo parlor.  It probably wasn't the smartest thing we could've done after all that snow but I am very happy with the result (more on the new tattoo in a minute).  Late last night I got a phone call from my (almost) 6 year old nephew asking me if I wanted to go with him to see Santa today so after church with my parents we went to see Santa.

So, about my new tattoo...  I have been sending messages back and forth to the artist who did my tattoo this summer with an idea I had for a tattoo for Gypsy's Quest.  I told him that it was the name of my blog, the types of things that I write about and that I wanted a tattoo representation of that.  I left a lot of the details up to him (other than me telling him that I didn't want the words in the tattoo itself).  He sent me a drawing this past week and I fell in love with his design and the imagery he came up with.  The tattoo is of a gypsy girl, holding a lantern and coming out of the shadows.  In my opinion she has a very determined look on her face and she seems ready to face whatever obstacles in her way.  The tattoo takes up my entire forearm and it's pretty sore but I am very impressed with it overall and it will always serve as a visual representation of me and my journey.

Well my dear readers, I should probably bring this to a close for this evening for tomorrow my Dad and I head off of another adventure and we drive about 12 hours away to see my Grandma.  I think it will be a very fun trip and I'm sure I'll write about it next week.  Have a great week along whatever journey life takes you on!

Maybes

I reread my post from last week and I noticed that I used the word maybe quite a bit.  I don't like how noncommital I was with what I was writing about.  The things that I wrote about last week I really want to do for myself so I don't know why the word maybe came up so much.  I know in the past I haven't wanted to commit to things in the fear I was going to let other people down if I didn't reach the goals that I had set for myself.  The things I wrote about last week were for me to grant permission to let myself be me.  Why wouldn't I want to commit to that?  From here on out, I am going to commit to that!

I have said in the past that I want to be better for other people.  I've thought that I've needed to change who I am, how I look, things I say, etc. in order to be the person that others thing I should be.  I am ready to be better for me.  I know that there are always going to be those who have an opinion of who they think I should be.  I am realizing that I get to decide if their opinion matters or not.  That's been an epiphany of sorts for me.  Up until now I've been under the impression that just because someone had an opinion of me, they had to be right.  I now know that's not the case.

I get to be me because I am the bestest me that there is ever going to be (yes, that's an invented word - bestest).  I don't know what made me realize it this week, but I came to the conclusion that some of the things I tell the kids that I work with I could also tell myself.  I'm okay with equating myself to kids since kids have a very unique/interesting perspective of pretty much everything.  But back to what I was writing...  I tell my kids on a regular basis that each of them are the best them there is ever going to be so why can't I say something like that to myself?  I also very easily build up the adults around me but I have a very difficult time doing it for myself.  This is something that I'm going to work on.

Well, my dear readers, I know I haven't written that much tonight but I have some pretty big things happening this week that I need to work on getting together.  Know that I appreciate each and every one of you and I thank you for joining me along my quest.  Keep letting those freak flags fly and be the bestest you can be this week!  I know I'm going to!  No more maybes!  =)

Alive vs. LIVING

An interesting thought/perspective has cropped up several times this week so I think I'm supposed to write about it this week -- that thought/perspective is being alive vs. living your life.  As long as we draw breath, we have the opportunity to decide if we're just going to do nothing but breathe for the rest of our lives or if we're going to go out there and truly LIVE.  I'll admit that I have gone through different points of my life where it's been all I can do to keep taking breath after breath.  I don't want to do that any more -- I'm ready to really get out there and live my life.

I think I've intermittently gone beyond just breathing and have put myself out there to truly live my life but I have then brought myself back to just breathing.  I don't want to keep participating in that back and forth; honestly it's exhausting.  I'm going to start taking steps to find out what it means for me to live my life.  I believe what it takes to live is different for all of us - breathing is the same for all of us, it's what connects us.  I think living life though is individual to each and every one of us.

It's just like letting our freak flags fly - we can all fly one but what's on them is individual to each and every one of us.  This is something else that I want to explore...  I feel as if lately I've talked a really good game about looking for opportunities to let my freak flag fly but when those opportunities arise, I tend to stop myself.  There are times where I've talked myself out of it in the moment and other times I've looked back and realized that I let an opportunity to fly my freak flag pass me by.  I need to make more of a conscious effort to let others see the "real" me.

I know I've written before about not knowing fully who the "real" me is, however I think I would have a better understanding of that me if I let her out more.  I'm not sure why I've been trying so hard to hide her away because I really feel people would like the "real" me if I allowed that side of me to show.  But then again, why am I so worried about what other people think?  I'm the one who has to live with me, so my opinion is really the only one that should matter, right?  This is something that I'm definitely going to work on.

I think maybe I'm writing some of these things to not only remind myself of them but to maybe remind/encourage some of you, my dear readers, as well.  This time of year can get the best of us and we get so wrapped up in things that may not even matter in the long run.  People may or not remember in a year or so what you bought them for the holidays; you won't remember what "Black Friday"/"Cyber Monday" deals you did or didn't get; but if you work on yourself that's a gift you give to yourself (and those who love you).

I know that people tend to focus on themselves after the first of the year and the whole New Year's Resolution thing.  I think this year however, I'm going to give myself a gift this Christmas - I'm going to give myself the gift of permission.  Permission to be myself.  Permission to let my freak flag fly.  Permission to show "me" to those around me (and resist the temptation to apologize for it).  As the month goes on, I'll let you know how that's working for me...

Well my dear readers, I should probably think about going to bed (after enjoying this nice, long 4 day weekend for me) in order to prepare for the work week ahead.  Try your best (and I'll do the same) to let those freak flags fly this week!  And remember to LIVE not just be alive!  =)

Opportunities

This past week was a busy one and that's one of the reasons I am thankful for only having a 3 day work week (actually it will be just a little more than that since I'll have to go to work on Friday in order to sign off on employee time cards so they can get paid).  Work will hopefully go by quickly each day since I have quite a bit to accomplish this week as well as my building will be filled with kids since school is closed this week.  When there's lots going on in the building, the day tends to go faster (we'll see if that happens this week or not...).

I feel as I have a bit of work to catch up on since I was out of the building for two days this past week.  I was out of the building to teach a two day customer service course that I was a little nervous about going in for.  It was the first time I taught the course and I was concerned that the individuals in the class wouldn't be active participants (and this course really depends on active participation).  I didn't have much to worry about.  The class took about 30-45 minutes to warm up and then they ended up being the perfect class.  They asked questions; answered questions; volunteered when asked; etc.  There was another class that happened earlier in the week and the facilitators had horror stories to tell (they said it was like pulling teeth to get their participants to do anything).  I was very thankful I ended up with the group that I did!  =)

I had the opportunity today to be the substitute dance teacher a couple of towns over since their instructor is in South Africa.  I actually get to teach for her the next two Sundays as well.  They told me that they were happy to be working with me over the next few weeks because they really enjoy my teaching style and they feel like they learn a lot.  Since I've been teaching dance for less than a year (other than running an occasional practice before that if my instructor had to be out), that's really good for me to hear.  Especially since after the last couple of my solo performances I wondered if I needed to take a dancing break or not...

I know that I have always been my own worst critic but I felt as if I did particularly poorly at the last two performances.  I had a talk with my instructor this past week about it and she said that it probably means that I am on the verge of a breakthrough in terms of my dancing.  I hope so because the last two dances left me questioning whether or not I should be dancing or teaching at all currently.  I think I am being overly hard on myself because I was dancing to new music and was attempting to go beyond the "tough girl" attitude for the entire dance.  I danced the first part with a veil which left me feeling more vulnerable than when I have my sword.  For the second part of the dance, I had my sword in hand and I felt a little more comfortable but the music was a little softer than what I usually dance to and it just wasn't the same as what I saw in my head.  I think I might continue to work with this piece of music but probably not for my next performance.  For the next show, I think I need to go back to the piece of music that I LOVE to build my confidence back.

With having the short work week/long weekend, I am really hoping to take the opportunity to do something for me.  I'm not sure yet what that something is going to be but I'm going to do it.  It might be as simple as taking a nap on the couch one day with the doggies.  I just know that I need to do something for me.  I know that a couple of weeks ago I went whale watching for me but that was one thing over quite a long period of time.  I think it's time to do things for me again - things that grant me the opportunity to let my freak flag fly.

Well, my dear readers, since we're open for full day programming this week, that means I'll be putting  in some long work days so I should probably think about heading to bed before too much longer.  Before doing that, I think I'm going to get some sort of a lunch together to take with me to work since I don't think I want to take care of that in the morning.  I'm also going to take a few minutes to think about the opportunities I've had this past week and the opportunities I hope to create for myself in the week ahead.  Hopefully I can remember to look at everything as an opportunity.  I hope you have a fabulous week, can find things to be thankful for and to take the opportunities to let your own freak flags fly!  =)

Survive

Good evening, dear readers!  Let me begin by telling you about my whale watching adventure that I decided to take myself on when I had a day off of work this past week.  I had the opportunity to see not only one but two Orca whales (which I've never seen outside of Sea World before) and at least 15-20 humpback whales during a "feeding frenzy."  We also got to see lots of dolphins and hundreds of sea lions playing in the ocean.  I was able to capture some amazing photos and a lot of photos that just ended up being of water.  I thought I had a picture of a mermaid but I think it was just a piece of kelp floating by.  Maybe next time...

I was very glad to start my week with this adventure because I ended up not having such a good week.  I don't know if I'm just putting too much pressure on myself in different aspects of my life but I had days this past week where I didn't feel as if I was doing anything right.  That wasn't a good place to mentally/emotionally be and I'm hoping that I can continue to work myself out of that place. Probably also didn't help that I ended up with a pretty nasty cold/laryngitis this past week so I didn't sleep well on top of everything else that was going on.

The combination of not being in a good place mentally/emotionally, being sick and not sleeping well made my thoughts turn to the wasband.  Tomorrow marks the five year point of him walking out and I am trying to think about all of the positive things that have happened in my life since that point.  Yes, I have had some ups and downs over that time because I don't want the alternative (where I spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been if we would've stayed together).  This year we have been separated as long as we were married.  That's kind of a shocking thought to me.  There are times I can't believe it's really been five years.

One of the things that I keep trying to remind myself is with all of the things that have happened in that time, I am still standing.  I may not be at the place in my life that I expected but I have survived and that's what's most important.  I have fallen in love with a new song and I think it's going to become my 'anthem.'  The song is "Roar" by Katy Perry.  There are times where I just feel let need to sing it at the top of my lungs and I seem to feel better when I do.  Every time I watch the music video for it I just have to giggle (the guy in it gets eaten by a tiger and I can't help but picture you know who when that happens; and no I'm not talking about Voldemort for you Harry Potter fans).

I know that there will come a time where I will be able to look back on this time in my life and know that it was a stepping stone to bigger and better things.  My Mom sent me something this week that I'm going to have to turn into a wallpaper or a print so I can remember it -- Never cry for the person who hurts you...  Just smile and say, "Thanks for giving me the chance to find someone better than you..."  That's going to be one to the next things I work on in my quest.

Well, my dear readers, I think I need to bring this to a close for the evening.  I have a busy week ahead of me with work (along with my regular work responsibilities, I have to teach a two day customer service class this week that I don't know that I'm ready for) so I should probably try and relax a little before heading to bed.  Along with everything, I know that I am really going to try and find opportunities to let my freak flag fly.  I hope you do the same!

Swallowed whole...

There were some things that happened this past week that had me realizing what Jonah must have felt like...  I felt like something came along, swallowed me whole, and just forgot about me.  I'm not exactly sure what prompted me feeling that way but it did take me to a dark place for a couple of days.  I've been able to partially crawl my way out but I think I'm still stuck in the throat of the beast. I am working on finding my way out and I'm sure that I'll be able to in the end.

I think part of it stems from feeling as if some people have been either trying to suggest I become the person I used to be or the me that they would like me to become.  I had someone tell me this week that they feel as if I have become too outspoken (all I did was speak my mind in a situation I would have kept my mouth shut about a year or so ago).  I questioned telling them that I didn't realize I needed their permission to stand up for something I believed in but something stopped me from saying something.

Maybe part of why I have felt like something has swallowed me whole is because I feel as if people are questioning the 'me' I'm becoming (or am working on becoming).  Now that I'm starting to get in touch with this new 'me,' I kind of like who I'm becoming and I don't like that others are questioning it.  When others questions my choices, it makes me question those choices, makes me uncomfortable and makes me feel eaten.  I don't like that and don't want to stay in that place (or go there again).  I know that I'm the one that's ultimately responsible for my feelings and allowing people to walk all over me or not.  I am really going to work on that...

Last night I danced a new choreography at one of our studio "nightclub" shows.  It wasn't everything that I wanted it to be but I have the opportunity to dance it again this coming Saturday.  Because it's still new to me I'm not sure yet if I'm going to keep it in my dance repertoire or not but I am going to give it a shot for a couple of more performances at least.  The crowd seemed to enjoy it so that's a start!

As I've been sitting here, I've been seriously trying to come up with a way to make my way out of the beast that has swallowed me.  I think I have come up with a solution (even if it's a temporary one).  Tomorrow I have the day off of work so I am having an ocean adventure.  I have already decided that I'm going and have bought my ticket to head off on the water in search for whales/mermaids/any other sea creature I'm lucky enough to spot.  I can't believe it's been almost 6 months since I've been out to sea and I think that might be part of my problem.  I feel lost because I am a landlocked mermaid (Mom even bought me a book about it for my birthday!) and I haven't spent time in my natural environment for too long...  I hope my adventure helps free me.  I'll let you know come next week.

Alright, my dear readers, I'm going to bring this to a close for the evening since I have an adventure to prepare for tomorrow morning.  I hope you have the opportunity in the upcoming week to find your own mermaids and to let your freak flags fly!  =)

What are you fighting for?

That's a question I don't only ask you but I'm asking myself.  I working on a new belly dance solo choreography and I'm really hoping it works as well when I'm dancing it as I see it in my head.  The particular piece of music I am working with is actually one that my dance instructor has danced to.  When she has danced to it, her movements portray that she is looking for love.  Her movements were soft and long and she just seemed to float across the stage.  My interpretation of the music is a little more "dramatic" than that...

The way I hear this piece of music (and have always heard it) is from the point of view of a slave girl who is begging for and then fighting for her freedom.  My plan is to dance with a veil to begin the dance and in that time I will be asking for my freedom.  I will have my sword placed off stage and at a point in my dance, I will toss the veil aside, grab the sword to continue the dance and "fight."  During this "fight" for freedom, it is my plan to do more dancing with the sword and only balance it a little.  This is going to be a very different dance for me and I am really hoping that it all comes together by the end of the week since that's when the performance is going to be.

Because it's such a different dance for me, I am both excited and apprehension about the upcoming performance.  Yes, I'm always nervous before a performance but I am a little more nervous for this performance than I have been about other shows.  I think part of that stems from 1) not wanting to let other dancers {especially my dance instructor} down and 2) not wanting to lose the dancer I've become in order to try something different.  Granted, I've wanted to dance to a new piece of music for some time now and I just hope this was the right selection.  I guess I'll be able to have a better idea come Saturday night...

I've had some moments this week where I gave up on my workout routines and I'm really not proud of that.  I set a goal for myself that I would really like to meet and feel like rather than going forward in my journey, I might be going a half a step forward and then several back.  I think I just need to get to the point where I see any movement is a positive thing in the sense that at least I'm not being stagnant and just sitting on the couch.  I know that I need to stop obsessing so much over my weight and concentrate on being healthier but at the moment I have struggles with what I see when I look in the mirror.

I have realized for myself over the years that what I see in the mirror isn't necessarily how the rest of the world sees me but I think it's my fear that they do.  I have always been a curvy gal and I am still learning to fully embrace my curviness.  Don't get me wrong; I know that I'll always be curvy and would look funny if I lost them completely (and I don't WANT to lose my curves completely) but I would like to lose the pudge.  I know that I just need to find a way to motivate myself and the workouts one day at a time.  I tried a new workout today that I have to admit I did enjoy but we'll see if that's how I still feel about it when it's time to wake up and workout tomorrow morning.  =)

Something that hasn't helped I'm sure is I've had quite a bit of trouble sleeping this past week -- done a lot of tossing/turning; keep waking up to see what time it is; disturbing dreams have plagued me...  Maybe I need to try some relaxation techniques or something before bedtime.  If you have any thoughts/suggestions, I would be open to hearing them!  On that note, I think I'm going to try some different things before heading to bed tonight.  I wish you beautiful dreams and opportunities to fly your freak flags this week, my dear readers!

Busy week

Does tomorrow really have to be Monday?  I don't know that I'm quite ready for it to be Monday yet. I know that next weekend I get to reset my clocks but I don't think 1 hour is really going to make that much more of a difference...  I have been trying to get up in the morning and workout before heading into work and that's been easier some mornings over others.  I guess I'll just have to wait and see if I can convince myself to get out of bed in order to workout in the AM or not.

Yesterday after I taught my dance class I stayed at the studio and helped a friend with some of her choreography for an upcoming show.  After we worked on her piece of music, I put on a piece of music I have been toying with for awhile now and I think I just might dance to a new piece of music at the show our studio will be putting on in a couple of weeks.  I have lots of ideas of how I want the piece to come across it will be a matter on if I get it to come together in the short time I have left or not.  It's a piece of music that I wouldn't typically dance to but I have a very unique twist that I want to portray through my dance.  I'll write more about it if I can get it to all come together in time for the show.  =)

I have decided that I must really be getting old because the commercials that have been playing and store displays have really been bothering me lately...  I find it disturbing that it isn't even Halloween yet and there are already Christmas things in stores and on TV.  Christmas is still two months away and yet we already need to start decorating?  I have a problem with that.  In our family it was always a tradition to decorate for Christmas two weeks before so we weren't sick of the decorations by the time the holiday rolled around.  To each their own I guess...

At work this coming week we get to dress up for Halloween.  Someone at the building decided we would all dress like Disney characters.  At first I was going to be Jasmine since I have a belly dance costume that is turquoise and gold.  After listening to what all of the other ladies are dressing up as (princesses), I realized that no one was going to be a villain.  That wasn't okay in my opinion.  I am now going to dress like one of my most favorite villains of all time - Ursula from the Little Mermaid. I even found her eel minions today and I bought them to carry around -- I was very excited by that find/purchase!  My hair is already short and spiky so I bought some silver spray for my hair to make it look more like hers.  I am really looking forward to my villain transformation!  =)  One of my coworkers is going to dress up like Ariel so this should be lots of fun!

Well, my dear readers, I know I haven't really written about anything really deep tonight but it is time for me to sign off...  As you can see, I have a busy week ahead with working on my new dance choreography as well as putting all of my Ursula costume together.  I hope you have a great week and that you have the opportunity to have some fun!  =)  Hopefully next week I'll have a better idea on how my choreography is coming and I'll fill you in.

Duality

As I've been sitting here thinking about what to write about this week, the same word keeps coming to my head.  That word is "duality" so I think that's what I'm supposed to write about this week...  I know that I over the last several weeks/months I have been giving information about my day-to-day happenings or things that I wish could change but I don't feel as if I've written about anything really introspective for awhile.  Today is going to change that I think.  If you were looking for a fun/playful post, maybe you should stop reading now because I don't think that's the post I'll be writing tonight...

I know I've written before about feeling as if there have to be two different sides to me -- the "work me" and the "me" that I really am.  That has become increasingly more evident at work lately.  With my current position at work (management even if right now it's just temporarily) I have had to cultivate portions of my personality that don't come naturally to me.  There are times that I almost feel as if I'm a pretend version of me in order to keep people (both those that work for me currently and those who are above me management-wise) happy.  I know that I can get very focused on the tasks in front of me and I don't like to be bothered when I am in "the zone."  Because of being in this position, I have to drop whatever I'm doing whenever someone needs something (even if it's something that I think could wait).  If I get frustrated, I'm not allowed to show that frustration and I have to push those feelings aside in order to focus on their needs.  I also feel as if I have to keep a smile plastered on my face no matter what.

I'm not naturally a bubbly/giggly person so I find it difficult at times to keep a smile on my face at all times.  That may seem odd coming from an admitted people pleaser such as myself but it's just not in my personality to be that bubbly all the time.  I actually find it exhausting to be that person all the time.  As of tomorrow I am going to a more "normal" schedule and will only be working 8 hour days and I think that will definitely help (I've been working 12 hour days for lots of weeks now...) but I know that it won't fix everything.  Maybe instead of fighting this duality in personality that I'm feeling right now, I need to embrace the "work me" and just know that that's who I need to be at work but that doesn't mean that's who I have to be all of the time...  I feel this pull of duality in being a people pleaser all the time.

I have set certain physical and weight loss goals and some of those goals I feel as if I have had to set in order to please others.  I see it as failure when I physically can't keep up with those goals in the time frame I originally gave myself.  I know that I have to look at is a lifestyle change and not a "quick fix" but I do get frustrated at times when I'm not necessarily seeing the results that I want to see.  Yes, I wrote last week that the sizes on clothes are just a number (or that's how they need to be looked at) and I guess I have struggled with that epiphany a little as the week went on.  I need to get back to the thoughts about body image I had last week...

I guess another aspect of this duality is this battle I seem to have with myself.  There are times I think I'm a people pleaser who really doesn't like to be a people pleaser and there are times I wonder if I'm any good at it or not.  That's something for me to ponder this upcoming week I think.

On that note, I have more that I could write about but I think that I'm going to head to bed and get ready for the week ahead.  I hope that we all have opportunities to work on our muchness this week!

Something for me

I had the best time this evening and I can't wait to share it with you, my dear readers...  I had a dear friend and her husband offer to take me out to dinner to celebrate both my birthday last week as well as me paying off the last of my divorce debt.  They let me pick the restaurant (they had suggested two places because they wanted me to have a memorable/special experience) and they made reservations for us to sit by the window so we could see the ocean.  We started out with drinks (we WERE celebrating after all) and I ordered one called the Creamsicle and that's exactly what it tasted like!  They brought us a plate of complementary calamari (which I couldn't eat due to food allergies but she said it tasted delicious) while we perused the menus.  Because it was a seafood restaurant there was quite a bit on the menu that I had to cross off my list automatically but the item that caught my attention right away was the gnocchi.  I took the advice of the waitress and had did half and half on the sauce -- half marinara and half Gorgonzola cream sauce.  I know that I consumed too many calories (and I had some sort of pineapple deliciousness for dessert) but I honestly didn't care.  I had a great time with them and there was great conversation so I was okay with the calorie consumption.  It was fun to do something for me.

Yesterday I started to do something that I never thought I was going to do -- I started to do yoga.  I did the full (major) workout yesterday and then could barely move to get out of bed this morning so I thought it would be good to do the yoga stretch workout at least so I could function.  I've been doing a different workout routine but found that I had been building solid muscle rather than lean muscles.  I did a belly dance workshop when I was home this summer where we did a yoga warm up and cool down and I remember the muscle groups that were sore so figured it might be a place to start.  So I bought a yoga DVD and a yoga mat and have decided to give it a try.  We'll see if I can keep it up or not and if I get the result that I'm hoping for...

Other than the yoga, I did something else yesterday that I'm pretty proud of myself for.  I decided to go to a store to look at some clothes and didn't have anything in particular in mind that I was looking for.  I ended up finding a jacket that I really liked but when I tried it on, the size I thought I needed pinched at the arms and didn't fully zip over my chest.  There are many times that if I have to go up a size, I don't buy the item of clothing because I focus on that size number.  Yesterday, I liked the jacket, I liked how it looked, I liked how it made me feel so I bought the jacket and didn't mind the size.  I'm hoping to remember that the next time I go clothes shopping.

Today, other than my morning yoga stretch and then having too many calories for dinner, I had a pretty productive day!  After my yoga stretch, I did about a 30 minute ab workout (ouch) and then got busy.  I took the trash out, did a sink full of dishes, did some laundry, put a bunch of clothes away and then I took a cat nap on the couch.  While I was putting clothes away, I was multitasking by talking to my parents on the phone at the same time.  =)  I feel pretty accomplished after all of that.  Tomorrow I get to have the day off of work so I'm hoping to take some "me" time after what I got done today.

Over the last several weeks, I have been working so many hours that I haven't had the opportunity for too much "me" time.  This is something that I know I need to make more of a priority.  I know that I've said that before but I'm going to work on it again.  I'm not sure yet exactly how I'm going to do that or what that's going to look like but it's something I'm going to give some thought to.

On that note, my dear readers, I'm going to bring this to a close.  I hope you all have a fabulous week and that you can do at least one thing for YOU this week.  I look forward to see what I'm going to do for myself...

Mad Hatter day

I'm starting tonight with a disclaimer (I know...  I haven't started with one of these in awhile):  I have no idea what came over me today but I decided that today was the day I needed to strip all of the old caulk from around my bathtub and replace it with new.  Both of my hands are full of blisters, I have a couple of knuckles with chunks out of them and I sliced one of my fingers with a putty knife (which I had to use to remove caulk that did NOT want to be removed).  I'm having some trouble typing because of this...

I've been trying to also regain some sort of rational thought after my work week this past week...  I was sent to a week-long training (total of 40 hours) and while it was interesting, it robbed me of being able to have coherent thoughts by the end of the week.  I suppose it also didn't help that I was going into work before the class each day, after class each day and still was going to dance class and working out at home.  Friday was the longest day of the work week because we were open until 11 and I worked a full day and then some (it ended up being about a 17 hour day and I was able to run home for about a half hour to let my dogs out and to change clothes before going back to work).  Granted, I was able to get quite a bit accomplished (schedules for about 3 weeks are done and did some online training) but finally had to stop when things didn't make sense anymore.  I'm planning on checking oven my schedules tomorrow just to make sure they make sense and I didn't try to schedule one person in like 3 areas at one time or anything silly just because I was exhausted.  Fingers crossed they make sense!

It's also been an interesting day in the sense that today is my birthday and I think it's ironic that today is also Mad Hatter Day (the numbers on his hat are 10/6).  I've always been sort of drawn to the Mad Hatter so I guess that's pretty perfect in a way.  As you've read about before, I love the Mad Hatter's concept of muchness and I just am touched by how much he cares not only for Alice but for the others in Wonderland.  Yes, the Hatter is kind of crazy (aren't we all?) but he does have a genuine concern for getting Alice where she needs to be (whether it be to the White Queen or back to the "real" world).  I think I would learn a lot about life if I could be a member of one of the Mad Hatter's tea parties...  Maybe one of these days I will have my own version of the Mad Hatter's tea party and I will find my muchness...

Today I took myself out to lunch and for my birthday I didn't care about what the number of calories were in what I ordered.  Did I have too many calories for lunch?  I probably did but I ordered exactly what I wanted and that's what's most important.  (It was exactly as yummy as I wanted it to be!!)  My lunch could've had even more calories in it - I got a free dessert for my birthday and while part of me wanted the cheesecake, I opted to get a mousse instead (even though the waitress tried to convince me to order a different dessert because I ordered the cheapest one on the menu -- but I got the one I wanted).

On the way back from my solo lunch (it was a couple of towns over), I decided to drop the top on my car, turn up the music and sing at the top of my lungs as I cruised down the highway.  That's something I haven't done in I don't know how long.  Sure, I've dropped the top of my car as I've gone down the highway but I don't tend to sing at the top of my lungs.  I don't know if it's because I'm afraid other people are going to hear me or why I stop myself but today I just didn't care.  I had my phone plugged into the speaker system, had my music on shuffle and the songs it was picking spoke to my muchness levels and I just had to SING!  I definitely found a way to unfurl my freak flag and let it fly today!

Well my dears, I think I need to bring this to a close for this evening.  I have just a little bit longer to this birthday and I'm not sure if I'm going to do anything else or just relax before the work week ahead of me...  I will leave you with one final thought (I've shared it before but I think it's appropriate...), why is a raven like a writing desk?  Maybe one day we'll have the answer....  

Sparkle

I had someone tell me yesterday that it looks to them like I'm losing my sparkle.  Their statement didn't necessarily surprise me (I've been putting in a LOT of hours at work) but who it came from did -- it came from the person who was cutting my hair.  Now the thing you should know about me is I don't go to a fancy salon, I go to a salon chain to have my hair cut.  I have short hair so I go about once a month but I don't always have the same person cut my hair.  I don't remember if she cut my hair the last time I went or the time before but the fact that she remembered me (and it's a busy salon) and to say that in her opinion some of my sparkle is gone did concern me a little.  Maybe part of what concerns me about it is that the people I see on a regular basis haven't said anything about it and she did.

Even though I've been working so many extra hours at work, on Friday, I started to add a new workout routine into my already crazy/busy routine.  I've decided to do this because I haven't been happy with how my clothes have been fitting and I've been less happy than usual with the reflection I see in the mirror.  Those of you who have been following me for awhile know that I don't have the best track record when it comes to having a positive self body image but I want to see about changing that some.  Maybe by working on the outward appearance I will find some of my sparkle again.  I know it's there somewhere...

I think one of the other things that will help me find that sparkle again is to find opportunities (or take opportunities) to let my freak flag fly.  There have been instances where I could have let my freak flag fly but for one reason or another I stopped myself.  For a period of time, I was seizing every opportunity to let it fly with both hands but for some reason I have found myself shying away from allowing myself to really be me.  Yes, there are times where I question who I really am but I'm working on that.  I do know that if I don't let my freak flag fly though I'll never be able to truly find that "me".

After getting my hair cut yesterday I decided to take myself to the movies.  I haven't done it in awhile so I decided it was time.  It was definitely fun to go and sit in the theatre, do some people watching beforehand and then sit back to enjoy the movie.  It had been a busy day -- I got up early to work out, went and taught my belly dance class, got a haircut, went to the movies and then came home and took a nap.  I felt like I had more than deserved that little nap after all the hours of work and I think I might have to make it a point to have one every weekend.  =)

This coming week at work I will be attending an 8-hr a day training every day.  It's going to be an interesting week.  After the training, I will be heading back to work to close down the building and then to do all of the "extra curricular" activities that I have.  I also will need to fit the new workout videos into my routine.  I think that will be an adventure in and of itself but we'll see...

Well my dear readers, I think I'm going to sign off for tonight.  I'm going to get things ready for the busy week ahead and to maybe get some lunch items together so it's one less thing to do each morning. I hope we all have opportunities to let our freak flags fly this week!  I know I'm going to make it a priority for myself!

Armor vs. shackles

I just saw something on Facebook that has me thinking...  There was an anonymous quote posted which reads: "Wear your tragedies as armor, not shackles."  In certain aspects of my life, I know I'm doing the latter and I want to, no I'm going to, turn them into armor instead.  I don't want those aspects to continue to weigh me down and keep me from becoming who I'm meant to be along my quest.  I know that I'm not 100% sure who that person is yet but I'm working on becoming her all the time.

One of the ways I know that I'm throwing off the shackles of a tragedy is wrapping up paying off the last of the debt from my divorce.  This past week, I even got a certificate from the company that consolidated my debt to tell me that my account balance is now zero.  Looking back at the original amount of things, it impresses me that it's completely taken care of at this point and the fact that it's finally over.  In the time it took me to pay it all off (longer actually than I've been writing Gypsy's Quest), I've learned quite a few things about myself...

I've learned that when push comes to shove, I'm going to face challenges (even ones that seem insurmountable) head on.  When I face those challenges, even though it might be difficult and take time, I'm going to overcome them one way or another.  Because of the amount of money that was being paid monthly, there were lots of times I went without things I wanted in order to have the funds to take care of business.  I had to take care of that business because I got myself into that mess (and the wasband wasn't blameless in it, I was just assigned the bulk of it during the divorce proceedings - even though I definitely didn't see it as fair) and it was up to me to get myself out of said mess.  There is a sense of accomplishment now that it's over and there is also a sense of pride that comes from knowing it's all finished.

I've learned that I work really well with having a goal in mind - even if it's a long term goal.  While it was a big work in progress, I took it one payment/month at a time and was then able to accomplish my goal.  I'm going to use this knowledge with a new challenge that has been set forth in front of me.  My sister has invited me to join her in a weight loss/fitness challenge and I think it's good for me to have that motivation from her and a goal in mind.  I've always seemed to do well when having that piece of accountability with another person and I'm ready to be accountable to her as well as to myself in order to reach my goal.  I know that I'm never going to be a size 6 but I can work on having a more positive self image of myself and to lose some of the weight that I no longer want to carry.  I will be sure to keep you posted along this other aspect of my journey.

I learned that I don't need someone else to necessarily rescue me.  This dragon I was able to slay on my own.  Yes, I had the support of others, but at the end of the day, I had to face the fire on my own.  While there are times it does get exhausting to be so emotionally strong all of the time, it is very nice for me to know on this level that I can do it.  I think my next challenge is going to be to know how/when to ask for help when I feel as if I can no longer do things on my own.  I have thought in the past that asking for help is a sign of weakness; I have to get myself to the point that isn't necessarily the case.  I have to realize for myself when I need some sort of assistance - even if it's just to have a pat on the back telling me that I can.

Well, my dear readers, I have actually given myself quite a bit to think about over the next week or so.  When thinking about these things, I'm going to embrace those moments in which I can let my freak flag fly!  I hope you can do the same!

interesting....

I thought I was going to do something yesterday that left me feeling accomplished but it has just left me feeling frustrated instead.  Friday night, after an extremely long week at work, I noticed that one of my headlights was burned out.  After looking up a tutorial online to see how to change it, I decided to try my hand at it.  I was able to change out the bulb but as I was putting everything back together again, I dropped the retaining clip that holds the bulb itself in place.  From what I've read online, other people have done the same thing only to find out that the clip cannot be replaced without replacing the whole headlight mechanism which is an expensive piece of equipment.  I'm going to check around some for myself if I can get the clip but I'm not necessarily going to hold my breath for that to be a possibility...  I know that I should be proud of myself for changing it out in the first place but I'm kicking myself for the stupidity of dropping it and not being able to find where it fell to.

Before the headlight debacle yesterday, I had the opportunity to be introduced as the "featured dancer" of a performance.  Several weeks ago, I danced for a someone at her weekly show and she asked me if I could come back for yesterday's show.  I didn't know that she was going to have me as the "featured dancer" until a couple of days before the show.  When I got to the show yesterday, I found out there were only two other dancers so that intimidated me some.  It also intimidated me some that the other two dancers were very traditional dancers where I am definitely more of a modern/fusion dancer.  When my music started, all of those doubts went away and I just danced (I wish I would've smiled a bit more but it's a work in progress).  I got compliments after the show that I did a fabulous job and that my hands were extremely expressive.  I was glad to hear that because I often feel as if my dance weakness is my hands.  Glad to know that my work on them has paid off.

This coming weekend I have the opportunity to dance for what I believe is a very worthy organization. The organization uses belly dance to teach self esteem and positive body image to high school girls.  I really wish there would have been an organization such as this when I was in high school - not only for myself but others I knew as well.  I'm not 100% sure how my life would have changed if this type of program would've been made available to me earlier in life but I know that it would have been different.  I have struggled with having a very low self body image most of my life (yes, I have spurts where I like how I look but they tend to be few and far between) and know that there's a difference between having those around you tell you that you look good vs. believing it for yourself.

I have been working over the last few years to change how I see my body when I look in the mirror.  I have gone on crazy diets, tried numerous different workouts, and done different combinations of the two.  I don't know if I just haven't found the right combination for my body type or if I've stopped too soon but I'm back to seeing no results.  I know that I've been putting lots of extra hours into work (both at the building and working from home) so I haven't had a lot of extra time for "me."  I know I need to change that and make myself a priority.  Or at least make myself more of a priority.

I had someone use a word with me this past week at work that is still bouncing around in my brain.  I have been working between the two buildings at work and spending the bulk of my time at the other building.  This particular person said to me that they felt I had "abandoned" them at the building (they work in the building that I'm not spending as much time in anymore) and that is the word that has stuck with me.  That word of abandonment takes me back to how I felt when the wasband left.  I felt 100% abandoned by him and I definitely didn't like that feeling (honestly, who would?).  In the moment, I didn't confront the person and looking back, I wish that I would have.  If the subject comes up again, I think I am going to say something and just ask them to please keep their opinions to themselves.

Well, my dear readers, there is more that I could write for this evening however, I do have some more work that I would like to accomplish before going to bed tonight.  I hope you have a wonderful week and that you have opportunities to let your freak flags fly (something that I'm going to try and find opportunities to do and if they don't readily present themselves, to make those opportunities happen for myself).

FREEDOM

Good evening, dear readers!  Well, it has been the requisite two weeks since I told you I had some news to share with you so tonight is the night...  The time has come that I can close one major chapter in the book of things that has happened since the divorce.  When the wasband left, I had a huge financial decision to make -- file for bankruptcy or to enter credit counseling.  After weighing the pros and cons of both, I made the decision for myself to enter credit counseling (looking back, I think some of my decision was based on my stubbornness but that's beside the point now).  After years of having that monthly reminder taken from my checking account, I can proudly say that I have made my final payment!  There were times I seriously questioned my decision and wondered if I should've just declared bankruptcy but I am proud of myself for seeing it through until the end.  I know it's going to take some getting used to that this chapter is closed but it is a VERY good feeling!

I feel as if making this last payment truly signifies the end of all of my divorce mess/headaches.  I have had no contact with the wasband for years (thankfully) but I have had this connection to him as long as these payments have still had to be paid.  I know that I felt by having to enter credit counseling I was a failure (and that feeling runs true with being divorced as well) but I know it was a responsible thing for me to do.  With this last payment, I feel as if I really am free.  It's a good feeling.

One of the ways I've already planned on "rewarding" myself for this accomplishment is I'm going to order myself another belly dance sword.  Yes, this new one will make sword #4 and I am totally okay with that.  Mom showed me this particular sword when I was on vacation this summer and I've been dreaming of it since.  When she showed it to me, she recommended that I wait to order it until I had made this last payment and look at it as if I'm slicing free from my past and look towards my future.  I look forward to that.

I know that having all of this debt paid off and my new sword aren't going to "fix" me but I feel as if I can really start a new chapter of my life.  I'm going to try and be responsible with having this 'extra' money every month and am going to put some money aside into a savings account for when those unexpected expenses come up (both good unexpected expenses and not so good unexpected expenses).  Yes, it may take some self discipline because it'll be nice not to have to worry about that money automatically getting pulled out of my account each month but it will also be a real sense of relief.

Well, my dear readers, I think I'm going to sign off for the evening.  I know that I have a long week ahead of me at work and I have a performance to prepare for this weekend (and one next weekend as well).  I hope we all have opportunities to find/show our muchness this upcoming week.  I know one of my biggest muchness moments comes from knowing I can close yet another section of my divorce.

{On another note, I have been so excited about paying off the last of my credit counseling bill that I forgot to thank you for being loyal readers for yet another year of Gypsy's Quest.  Can you believe we've been together for 4 years?!  Thank you for believing in me from day 1 and helping me along this journey!  If you have joined us since then, thanks for joining me along my quest!  THANK YOU all from the bottom of my heart!  ~ Gypsy}

inspiration

Good evening, dear readers!  I am very body tired as I write this but I have some things that I want to write to you about.  In the last two days, we had three 30-minute dance performances and I danced my sword solo at each performance.  After the second performance today, I had several different women approach me and tell me what an inspiration I was to them as I was dancing.  One woman told me that even though there may have been other dancers who were skinnier than me that she thought I had much better control over my body than they did and that my movements were sexier than theirs.  I had an older woman also approach me and she told me that I needed to promise her that I would never stop dancing because I made her feel so much joy as she watched me and I need to share that with others.  Both of those women told me things that I needed to hear.

I was very tired after the first performance today and I retreated to the "safe" place in my head.  I know that it's not always a good idea to go into your head alone or to believe all of the thoughts that float around in there but that's the place I went to.  When the second performance of today started I was really hoping that I would have the energy to make it through all of the numbers.  As we began to dance, the crowd went NUTS!  Because I was having so much fun performing for and to the audience I forgot how tired I was and I just danced.  It was exhilarating.  Not that I remember much of it, but I know I did some new things during my sword solo and I hope that I can remember enough to use them in the next performance.

I know that I'm not 100% where I want to be with my dancing but I do acknowledge that I am learning more and am improving with each performance opportunity.  I hope that some of the people we passed out "first class free" cards come to the studio and that more people can learn about this dance form that celebrates women (and men) of all shapes and sizes.  Yes, there are times that I complain about my body shape/size but I am coming to terms with the fact that I will never be a size 2 and I don't think I'd want to be even if it were possible.

Well, my dear readers, there is more that I'd like to write about but I am unfortunately falling asleep at my keyboard.  Thankfully I have tomorrow off of work and I am looking forward to sleeping in late.  Before I head off to dreamland, I have a challenge for you -- think about what inspires you this week and try and do something that may inspire others!  =)

work, work, work

Over the last two weeks, I put in so many hours of OT at work that I feel as if I should be doing a residency to become a doctor...  The next few weeks are going to be the same.  We have some huge projects going on at work and I am doing my best to help tackle them.  I spent the last week at work setting up what I need in order to get one huge project going and this next week is going to have me assembling the skeleton of the project and getting as much work done each day as I possibly can.  I have a plan of action that I feel pretty good about so we'll see how much I get accomplished...

Even with working so many hours, I'm still trying to find a balance between work, home, dance, stress and just life in general.  I did get a little bit more sleep this past week but I do know that it wasn't all restful sleep so that's something for me to work on.  I wish there was a way for me to just turn my brain off before going to bed but there unfortunately isn't.  I think maybe I need to go back to something I did when I was in college -- I started each day with a "to do" list.  I crossed off what I was able to accomplish and at the end of the day, whatever I didn't accomplish went onto the next days list.  Even though I was a full time student with a part time job when I was in college, I slept more than I do now.  Maybe the list was helpful.  I don't know why I didn't think about doing that before now but it's worth a shot anyway...

I had something come up at work this past week that hasn't come up in some time -- there is someone relatively new and the subject of my divorce came up (just in "getting to know you" conversation).  As I was talking with them about it, they looked at me and said, "you know you didn't deserve that, right?  You, as a person, didn't deserve that and you are worthy of so much more."  Their statement caught me off guard.  There are days that I know that I didn't deserve how the divorce came to be and there are still those days that I do go back to that 'dark' place of feeling as if I did/do somehow deserve it.  Although I still have some days when I go back to the thought of blaming myself, I definitely see it as making progress that those days are fewer and far between as they used to be -- and that's a very good thing.

When the dark days come, I just have to remind myself how far I've come yet still be okay with having those dark days.  I used to focus on having the bad days and that being anti-progress of some sort.  I'm learning that having those bad days are alright and I will be able to overcome them along with everything else I have.  I am quickly approaching one of the biggest milestones yet from all of this divorce mess and I can't wait to tell you about it, dear readers but I'm going to wait until it happens (in just about 2 weeks) before I write about it.  Sorry, that I just mentioned it and am leaving it hanging but I really want to wait until it happens before I write more about it (it's been 5 years so I think I can wait 2 more weeks...).

On that note, my dear readers, I think I'm going to sign off for tonight before I write more than I "should."  ;)  I hope you have a fabulous week and I will write more next week.

Stress

I have learned (yet again) this past week that stress can manifest itself in different ways for different people.  For me, no matter how hard I try to sleep when I'm stressed, sleep will either elude me or if I do sleep it's not restful sleep.  I knew I was stressed this past week at work but didn't realize just how stressed I was until my Mom told me today that she could feel my stress through the phone...  Sorry, Mom...

I think one of the things that I need to do is find a way to squeeze working out into my busy schedule.  My thought in doing this is two-fold -- 1.  I think it might help make me more tired and I'll sleep each night and 2.  I tend to de-stress some when I'm working out.  Because my day-to-day can be pretty hectic, all I want to do is sit when I come home at the end of the day (and that is on the days that I don't have something going on after work).  What I need to do is start looking at my schedule and streamlining it where I can.  We'll see how that goes for me...

This past week at work I was given the opportunity to go to a facilitator training and then use that knowledge to train the staff at our quarterly staff meeting.  The topic was an uncomfortable one yet we all made it through the training (it was on the topic of sexual assault prevention and response).  The other person trained to facilitate was my boss and we presented the training together.  When we gave the training, there was a counselor present who said we did a very good job in working with one another throughout the training.  When I went through my training, the boss of my boss was there and she congratulated me on this opportunity.  I hope I don't let the boss or upper management down...
  Another aspect in which I hope I don't let people down is this next week I have to give two other training presentations and it's been several months since I've had to present the information.  I'm sure my co-trainer and I will do just fine - I think I'm just getting butterflies.  Just got to breathe it out...

On Wednesday I got a phone call from a dancer who had a show yesterday about 45 minutes from here.  She called me because one of her dancers cancelled and she thought of me as a possible replacement.  I was very honored that she thought of me.  When I was messing around with my make up, I tried some new things that I really liked (and am looking forward to using those techniques again).  During my dance, I tried some things that I learned from the sword workshop I attended when I was home that was given by a martial artist.  It was an amazing workshop and I was glad I was successful at the new techniques/tricks.  I look forward to performing them again -- I'll actually have the opportunity again in a couple of weeks because she invited me back.

Even though I have a very busy week ahead of me, I'm really hoping that it's not as stressful as this past week has been.  Or if it is stressful, I hope that I can find a way to handle it better than I have (I don't want to pass stress along to someone else - especially through the phone - again).  I know that I didn't write too much this week, dear readers, but I think I need to sign off this for tonight, turn off the technology and do something to relax before bed in the hope I sleep tonight.  I wish you all opportunities to let your freak flags fly this week and that stress doesn't find it's way to overwhelm you!

Me

What I thought were allergies last week, turned into a pretty nasty/wicked cold.  I have had a plugged head (severe nasal congestion), a cough where I was hacking all sorts of things up and with all of the coughing, I ended up losing my voice.  After a couple of days of snuffing and coughing stuff up, I went to the drug store pharmacy counter to buy a box of the "good" medication.  I understand the necessity for being careful with medication and all but as I'm standing there coughing up a lung is it really necessary to question if I'm sick or not?  Once I finished signing my life away for my medication I was on the road to feeling better.  I'm still not 100% (and I did take a couple of hours off of work on Friday and have taken naps Friday, yesterday and today) but I'm feeling way more up to the task of facing the week ahead than I did last Sunday.  I guess that's a good thing.

I decided this week that I'm once again going to need to work on my comeback lines or at least have a couple of "go to" ones to use depending on the situation.  I had a random individual approach me this past week and told me, "I applaud your lifestyle choice."  What I wish I would have said right back to them was, "and which lifestyle choice are you referring to?"  I didn't realize a woman who lets her freak flag fly and has an amazing short haircut needs to have her "lifestyle choices" applauded or questioned.  Granted, I shouldn't have necessarily assumed she was referring to my sexual preferences (even though I'm about 95% sure that's what she was referring to) but it is what it is at this point.  I guess I just have to get better at asking for clarification rather than just walking way (which is what I did in this instance).

If this individual meant anything by her statement or not, I'm not going to let it get to me.  Am I going to change my hairstyle just because someone I don't know doesn't like it?  No way!  I love it and am still having fun with it and that's what's important to me.  I'm happy that people I work/dance with like it but if they didn't I still wouldn't change it back.  That's an important step for me.  There was a time that if people didn't like something I'd done to change my image, I would have asked for their opinion and then changed it back.  Now, I love my new hair (and have loved it since I saw the original photo of it) and wouldn't change it for anyone.  Maybe I am making progress after all...

I had the opportunity to read someone else's blog post this week and as I was reading it, some of what they had written is what I've done.  They were writing about the times they have given other people permission to control what she does in her life.  She had decided she wanted her hair to be pink -- rather than just going for it, she let the opinions of others talk her out of dying her hair pink.  After some time had passed, she realized that while she really did value their opinions, she still wanted pink hair and she decided to go for it.  She wrote that when she gave herself permission to control her own life, she felt better not only about the decisions she was making but she also felt better about herself.  Her post really hit home with me.

There have been times that I have wanted to do things for myself and I have either let others talk me out of those decisions or I have let what I thought their opinions be talk myself out it what I've wanted to do.  One of the things I decided for myself (other than my haircut) when I was on my vacation was I got a new tattoo.  I know I've mentioned that in other posts but I haven't gone into much detail about it. This tattoo is on my arm and it takes up almost all of the outer side of my upper arm.  The design is two lotus flowers with smoke curling out of them and at the top of the smoke is the ohm symbol.  Some people have asked me if I've changed religions because I got the ohm symbol in my tattoo and that's not why I got it.  There are many explanations surrounding the ohm symbol in a tattoo -- the one that struck me was evolution.  I am working on my personal evolution/growth.  The lotus flowers grow in mud and yet are beautiful flowers -- something that I am working on doing for myself.  The tattoo is symbolic for me and that's what should matter.  I know people have opinions on tattoos and on tattoo meanings, but I did this for me and that's what I find to be important.

Well, my dear readers, because I've been sick all this week, I should probably sign off for this evening and think about going to bed on time.  I hope we all have a week filled with muchness and possibilities!

Weary...

My dear readers, I want to begin this weeks post with an apology...  I have over-extended myself this week and find myself exhausted today.  I went back to work this week and worked extra hours each day (which will be fabulous when it comes time to receive said paycheck) and taught three days at the dance studio (I don't believe I have written about this yet, but my dance instructor was in a car accident the week before I went on vacation and she asked me if I could take over teaching the classes in her absence) for a performance today.  Today's performance was about 2.5 hours away and I drove myself and a fellow dancer to the event.  Luckily there was only really 2 small traffic snags that slowed us down but they didn't slow us down too much.  On top of all that, I woke up this AM not feeling my best.  At this point I'm not entirely sure if it's allergies or the beginning of a cold but the combination of everything has definitely left me weary.

Looking back, I should've realized something was up with me yesterday because I ended up taking a nap for about 2.5 - 3 hours.  I desperately wanted a nap today but there was no way it could happen because I was the one doing the driving.  I am really hoping that I can catch up on some sleep tonight in order to get a jump start on my busy week ahead.  The way I'm feeling though, I really don't think it will be difficult to get sleep tonight.

This past week at work and at the dance studio, I got lots of compliments on my new hairstyle!  I even had one person tell me I looked as many as 10 years younger!  That was a much needed boost to my psyche.  One of the reasons why I felt as if I needed a new "look" was I felt as if the look I had stayed with (that had slight variations) for the last 10 years or so was because it was "safe."  My new look is very different from what I have had in the past and I love it!  While I was trying hard to not care if other people liked it because I loved it, it feels good to know that people I work with and spend time dancing with like it as well.

Well, my dear readers, unfortunately I am falling asleep at the keyboard and while there is more that I wanted to write tonight, I think it is time for me to sign off in order to head to bed.  I wish you all a fabulous week and I hope our freak flags have the opportunity to fly loud and proud!  =)