Tomorrow

It's a little strange to think about having to go into work in the morning but it's probably a good thing that I'm going back...  I've been able to have the last four days off of work so it's been like a double weekend.  With having my double weekend, I was able to get all of my Christmas gifts completed (some of them were homemade this year) and in a box ready to mail.  While working on one of the items I didn't think it would ever be finished, however, looking back it honestly only took me a week to complete it.  I'm not going to say much yet about what the item is because it is a gift but it honestly surprised me that I finished it (as well as other projects, too) in a week.  Gotta love those double weekends!  =)

Something else that was good about the long weekend is I was able to workout 3 out of the 4 days.  I thought this was especially helpful due to all of the food I ate that I wasn't planning on eating on Thanksgiving.  I hadn't made any Thanksgiving plans due to all of the crafts/projects I had to work on.  Then, the morning of Thanksgiving, I got a text from my dance instructor inviting me over for a small (for her) Thanksgiving luncheon (last year there was almost 30 people there for Thanksgiving and this year there was a total of 7 of us) and I opted to go.  I tried really hard to behave myself food-wise and I tried hard not to overeat.  I even limited myself to one dessert and even though each slice is like a million calories, I indulged in my holiday favorite -- a slice of pecan pie.  The calories were SO worth it!  =) However, that was one of the reasons for the extra workout time.

One of the things I know that I need to do is not burn myself out with the workout videos that I have found that I like because they will be all I have to workout to after the next few weeks.  I am still struggling with the thought of the dance studio closing and I haven't found a new dance "home" as of yet (honestly I haven't done too much looking into it...) probably mostly because I'm still in denial.  Not in denial that she's closing the studio because I know that it's something that she feels as if she needs to do for herself.  I guess I'm in denial over the fact that I'm actually going to have to find someplace else to take classes/lessons and find a new instructor.  Maybe that will be one of my New Year's Resolutions.

Over this long weekend, as I was working on my different projects, I was flipping through channels and watched Gone With the Wind.  It's been awhile since I've seen that movie (probably been a couple of years) and I hate to say that I identified with Scarlett.  I was able to identify with her in some ways; however, in other ways I have to say I wish I were more like her.  Not in the man stealing, master manipulator way but in her strength and determination.  She was faced with so many different challenges and she came out on top.  Yes, she didn't always triumph in the ways that she wanted to but she triumphed in so many other ways.  I also think that I need to adopt one of her most famous phrases, "Oh, I can't think about this now! I'll go crazy if I do! I'll think about it tomorrow. But I must think about it. I must think about it. What is there to do? What is there that matters? .... After all... tomorrow is another day!"

I guess her strength is something that I need to learn how to channel/modify for myself.  Although one of the things that I think I would want that Scarlett didn't (until she couldn't) is I would want a man more like Rhett rather than Ashley.  I think the wasband was like Ashley and that's not the type of man that I need for who I am.  I definitely need a man like Rhett who will stand up to me and challenge me and love me regardless of my hardheadedness.  But as I've had pointed out, a man like that isn't going to just drop into my lap, I'm actually going to have to get out there and look for him.  YIKES!  That's more than just a little nerve wracking...  Maybe I just need to put an ad out there and look for a modern day Rhett Butler...  Think it would work?  =)

Well, I think I'm going to put this away for tonight in order to prepare myself for the workweek ahead. I hope that you have a great week and remember, "tomorrow is another day!"

News

I received some devastating (to me) news this past week and I am still attempting to process the news itself as well as the implications of it all...  Due to many different reasons, my dance instructor has decided to close her dance studio and take a break from teaching.  She's talking about the possibility of teaching again at some point but it won't be in "our" space.  Other than the fact the studio has been a home away from home of sorts for me, it has also been a haven.  Even though the studio is closing, I know that it won't be the end of dancing for me but it will be a change.  I will have to put more effort into working on my dancing at home and looking for opportunities to take classes/workshops elsewhere.  The troupe is still at least talking about/planning on performing together for different venues but I know that it won't be the same.  As I've written before, good-byes (even to a place) have never been easy for me...

I especially didn't need to hear this news right now (even though there probably wouldn't be a good time for me to receive this news).  My instructor gave us her announcement on the day that marked my third year at the dance studio.  I know that the choice is hers and hers alone but it wasn't news that I was wanting to hear.  I'm sure it's also tied into what today marks on the calendar...  I am waiting for the day when I can look at the calendar and not be reminded of what happened on this day, but this year isn't the year...  Granted, today hasn't been as bad as last year was but it hasn't been one of my better days.  Today marks the four year point of me essentially being single (today marks the day of the wasband leaving).

Like I said, today isn't as rough for me as this day has been in the past but just knowing what happened on this date has effected me more than I wanted it to.  I'm sure that part of it is due to it being around the holidays and that makes some aspects bittersweet.  I just have to try and focus on all of the good things that have occurred in the past four years and look towards the future good things that will come from that one day in my past.  There are times where I really need to stop, take a step back and remind myself all that marks is a day in my past and it's up to me how I move forward from this point.  Yes, the memories of what came to be can still be sad but they don't have to define me - I do have a choice in that matter, only if I'm willing to take control of it.

That's something that I really hope to work on in the upcoming weeks/months.  I want to feel as if I have more control over at least some of the aspects of my life.  I do know that in some aspects of my life, letting go of some of the control would actually be very beneficial for me but I do want to gain some over some of the other aspects of my life.  Yes, I realize that I may sound like a contradiction but that's just how I feel about things.

I guess on one hand, I should be thankful for that day four years ago because I have learned some important things about myself that I may not have learned otherwise.  Granted, there are days that I don't feel as if I've learned anything but there are other times that I look at what I've learned about myself and I'm amazed.  Even just being able to admit that is an accomplishment for me...  I think that's what I need to place the focus on...

I'll let everyone know how that turns out for me...

Roller coaster ride

This week has left me feeling like I'm riding an emotional roller coaster and I don't know which direction it's going to twist/turn next.  I'm trying to hold on as best I can and am also trying not to give myself whiplash in the process.  Neither one of those things is a very easy task...

I've been frustrated with myself over something that happened at work and I'm still working through how to deal with it.  I found myself in a situation that left me feeling backed into a corner and that's not something that I do well with.  That feeling of being backed into a corner usually leaves me with a fight or flight (i.e. shut down mode for me) attitude.  And because of what this particular situation entails, neither fight or shut down mode would be a good option for me right now.

I'm trying to know find a balance between everything that I have to do on a daily basis as well as taking care of myself.  Taking care of myself has once again fallen to the wayside and I can feel it's weighing me down.  I am still attempting to figure out how I'm going to find a way to take care of myself along with the other things that I feel as if I have to do but I know that I also have to figure all of this out before I implode.  I did have an emotional breakdown when I was talking to Mom on the phone today (THANKS for listening/helping, Mom) and I do feel at least a little bit better after letting some of the pent up tears out.  I honestly don't remember the last time I had an emotional meltdown such as the one this afternoon but I probably should do it more often...

One of the things that I was reminded of today is that it really is okay to fail -- the world is not going to come to an end, I'm not going to fall into a hole  -- as long as I dust myself off and try again.  Yes, I am a perfectionist but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to fail at times and I have to be okay with that.  That is something that I know I'm going to struggle with but I do have to start by giving myself permission to fail at times and not fall to pieces because of it.  I have to learn to "fail big and stick around and make them wonder why I'm still smiling" and while I know it's going to be a process but it's a part of the journey that I need to work on and not just run from it.

Other than the emotional roller coaster, I also had two dance gigs this weekend.  On Friday night we had an opportunity to dance at the studio to live music (where the troupe had created a choreography to perform to the live music) and it was a fun night.  I got to see some people I haven't seen in awhile and got to watch some beautiful dancing.  Then last night, I had the opportunity to solo for one of my most favorite dancers in the area for one of her fundraising events (she's the one who I dance for just about every month for her event).  For this performance I didn't use one of the choreographies that I have written but I danced to one of the troupe pieces.  It's one that I have loved ever since the first time I saw it and I've always wanted to dance it as a solo.  The crowd seemed to enjoy it and I felt very good when the performance was over.

Well, since I have had a lot going on between the emotional roller coaster and the dancing, I am going to sign off for tonight and attempt to get some other things done before going to bed.  Luckily I get to have tomorrow off of work so I can mentally/emotionally prepare myself for the week ahead.  Before I do sign off though, let me say a big "thank you" to those who have served and who are serving in the armed forces!

Sleepy...

I don't know if it's one thing or a combination of things (a very long week at work, the workout schedule I've created for myself, the time change, not enough sleep, etc) but I have had a difficult time staying awake the last couple of days.  Of course, I haven't been able to stay asleep at night and have found myself tossing and turning some but I have been falling asleep on the couch.  Maybe I should either move my couch into the bedroom or just sleep on the couch at night and see if that helps...

I know that one of the things that I can do for myself to help with being tired all of the time is changing my eating habits.  There are days that I work out a lot that I know that I'm probably not eating enough to go along with the calories that I'm burning.  I have a App on my phone that I can use to track my eating/exercise habits and there are days when I've keyed in my information and it has told me that I'm not eating enough.  Those are the days where I am just not able to eat anymore because I'm just not hungry.  I guess I will just have to look at what food I'm eating on those days.  This whole thing is definitely a process...

I don't know why I was hoping this to be a faster process but I was really hoping to see some sort of results from the diet/exercising by now.  I have had people point out and remind me that it took time to put the weight on so it'll take time to take it off -- at least if I want to do it the healthy way.  I know that there would be "fast" and unhealthy ways to take weight off but in doing so I could potentially gain all of that weight back and then some which is something that I really don't want to have happen.  I want all of this work to mean something and that means a new way to look at food and what food I consume.  See, I know all of these things in my head but I just want to see different results when I look in the mirror.

Maybe one of the reasons I'm having such a difficult time with all of this is because I'm stressing myself out.  I tend to hold things close to my heart when I should just let them go rather than stressing out on things that I can't change.  I have always had a difficult time letting go of things and I do often take things personally.  For most of my life I have been able to tell others not to take things to heart or to dwell on them - especially the things that they can't change.  I am able to give that advice to others but not take my own advice when it comes to matters such as this.  One of the things that I hope to work on for myself (yes, yet another thing for me to work on) is to let things go that I cannot control/change and not take things so personally.  I know this will not be an easy or a quick process but I think it's one that I definitely need to make for my own well being and my sanity.  I know that I am often quick to take care of others and not myself but it's something that I need to do -- I know that I've said it before but this time I'm going to make an effort to actually do it -- is I need to make myself a priority.


I don't know if it's been because I've been tired or what but I am so sick/tired of all of the political ads that have been on TV and on the radio that I cannot wait until Wednesday when this Election is over and done with.  I myself have registered to vote but I really don't like the smear tactics going on by all of the candidates and back/forth on all of the different propositions being voted on this week.

In an effort to not have issues such as this continue to bug me tonight, I think that I'm going to bring this to a close and try and relax before heading to bed.  Have a great week, dear readers!  =)