Weight for it... (yes, I meant that form of "weight")

Well, I finally did it...  I took a day off.  Yesterday I had my third belly dance show in the last three weekends and I took today off from Church.  I had to miss choir practice on Thursday due to a work meeting so I didn't feel as if I would be prepared to sing with the choir.  I also feel as if I just needed to take a day off from everything.  I did some things that I wanted to do (even though there was more that I wanted to do and didn't) and I then just took some time to sit on the couch.  Granted, while I was sitting, I worked on cross-stitching a baby blanket some (my seemingly never-ending project) but I also just sat.  I have to say, it felt pretty nice.  It's something that I should probably try and do more often.


Another thing that I am going to try and work on is accepting my body image.  I know that I don't necessarily have to like everything I see when I look in the mirror but I can be a little bit nicer to my reflection.  I know that this is a topic I have written about many years but it is still a major struggle for me.  I know that in order to change some of the things I see in the mirror, I will need to begin to make some big life changes.  I am willing to look into making those changes and see where that leaves me.  Personally, even with all of the weight I have lost so far, I feel as if I need to lose another 50 pounds.  I need to do something in order to jump-start that loss.


Now that it's starting to warm up, I have a feeling I will be trying to make sure I eat more salads and fresh fruits rather than the other stuff.  I also know that for myself, when it tends to get too hot, all I really want to eat is yogurt or something like that from out of the fridge.  I also know that as it warms up, it will be warmer in the dance studio, which means I'll most likely sweat more during class.  All of these things will hopefully begin to add up to lost weight.  Because I am so active with attending two-hour dance classes three days a week, weight loss is going to have to come from the food I do (or subsequently don't) eat.  We'll see if that makes a difference or not...


I think one of the things that frustrates me when it comes to weight loss is portioning.  Food that is prepackaged often is for more than one person and so are most recipes.  Because of these two things, food becomes overly frustrating for me.  I'm not one that necessarily enjoys cooking and to have to figure out how to manipulate recipes (since I'm also not a huge fan of most leftovers) makes it an even more daunting task.  Because of my busy schedule, that makes packaged meals an easier option but, once again, not when you have to think about them.  I want to be able to eat something that tastes good yet I don't have to figure out how many servings I have to break it into.  I know that having prepackaged "diet" meals would then seem like a better option but I would really have to look into which ones I could fit to my food preferences/allergies.  Something else that has always made some weight loss foods difficult for me is that I don't overly like vegetables.  I guess if I really don't like them, I won't eat them and that should really help with meeting my weight loss goals.


Well, all of this talk about food/weight loss before bed probably isn't a good thing.  So I think that I'm going to drink a nice big glass of water and maybe work on some sewing before heading to bed.  I have to get some sleep tonight - - have a big week in store.  Have a good one!  =)

Stress

While I was flipping through channels today, I heard a quote on a commercial that has stuck with me for the remainder of the afternoon/evening.  The quote was, "Rather than trying to control everything, why not just let things be out of control for awhile?"  I reacted kind of the same way the character hearing that did, "WHAT?!"  Even though I know that I need to do that, I'm not quite sure how I would... I know that for my own mental/emotional/physical well being I need to learn how to step back sometimes and not try and fix absolutely everything.  Yes, that's going to take some effort on my part but I know that it's a necessary one.  I need to learn how to apply that mentality to different areas of my life in an attempt to bring some balance back.


I often find it difficult to not attempt to control things I think because it's just me.  Yes, I have coworkers and friends but when it comes to having things keep me up at night, that's when it's just me.  I don't have anyone in the middle of the night to help keep me asleep in order to function during my busy days.  When I find myself getting stressed, I toss and turn at night.  Even though I know that about myself, I still find myself not always getting the sleep that I need at night.  I'm to the point that I may have to possibly look into taking some sort of a sleep aid or something so I can do what needs to be done.


I think one of the things that I need to learn how to be okay with is taking the occasional day off of work since I am so busy.  My weeks and my weekends have been jam-packed and it's becoming too much for me to handle.  I'm going to find myself on the edge of a nervous breakdown before I know it and that's not a good feeling.  In order to take a break, I am going to have to learn how to use the word "no" in at least one area of my life (whether it be in the area of work, church, dance) even if it's just the occasional "no."


Maybe one of the things that I need to do is find inspiration again.  I need to look into finding a new piece of music to create a brand new solo to or something....


Okay, just had a monkey wrench thrown into my thoughts of finding balance and de-stressing - - - I just got an unexpected text from a coworker letting me know that one of the staff is having her baby a month early and we now have to go to an unwritten/unknown contingency plan.  I know that we will make everything come together and make it work but it just adds to an already stressful life.  I am hoping and praying that everything goes well and my friend/coworker has a safe delivery and healthy baby especially since I know it's earlier than expected.


Since I'm not sure what I'm going to be walking into when I go into work tomorrow, I think I'm going to close this done in an attempt to get some sleep tonight.  I am going to try my hardest to not over-think things so I can get some sleep tonight.  We'll see if that works for me or not...

OUCH!!

Yesterday we had an outdoor dance performance where I performed my sword solo.  Unfortunately, it was a very windy day and I attempted to balance the sword on my head.  It balanced for a moment before there was a wind gust and the sword slipped.  I grabbed the handle of the sword with one hand and with the other I attempted to stabilize it -- unfortunately, in doing so, the tip of the sword sliced the palm of my right hand (luckily I'm a lefty).  Needless to say, my hand is sore (didn't help that we played the handbells at church this morning and I had to grip a bell with my right hand) and I'm doing my best to allow it to heal and not become infected.  If nothing else, it has to get better by next Saturday because I'm performing my sword solo again (this time will luckily be indoors!).  I did learn a valuable lesson though - when dancing with a sword, one should actually bring Band-Aids to a performance and NOT leave them in the van...


Some people have asked my why I didn't just let the sword fall.  My answer has been a simple one - - I don't want to have to pay for my sword to be rebalanced or replaced if it falls onto the pavement.  I figured a little bit of pain was better than damaging the sword to the point I couldn't dance with it anymore.  Granted, by catching it and hurting my hand, I feel as if my confidence was shaken and my performance suffered but I can't go back and change it now.  All I can do is chalk it up to experience and move on from here.  I have a performance this Saturday to look ahead to and another one next week.  I don't want this experience to overly impact those upcoming performances - - I don't want to necessarily "play it safe" out of fear of getting injured again.


I think I have been "playing it safe" out of fear of being injured in other aspects of my life as well.  Even though I don't really have time to do so, I know this is one of the main factors for not putting myself out there in the dating world again.  Who knows, maybe I'll never be ready.  I know that I have to continue to work on finding myself and caring about myself before I can find anyone else who will (someone at church today joked that after having my hand cut yesterday, I should try and find an EMT to date so I'll always have my on someone on call if I get hurt again).


I'm often the first one to admit that I still have a long way to go on my journey of self-discovery.  One of my biggest shortcomings (as I've written about before) is how I view myself when I look in the mirror.  I know that my reflection is different than it once was but I still see things that I want to change about myself.  Maybe, one of these days, it won't be such trouble for me to see things that others see when I look into the mirror.  I guess it's just a difficult thing because I often remind myself of the things I don't like.  That is something for me to work on.


I have never really found it to be a difficult thing to provide positive support to friends and those around me.  I know that I have written before about talking to myself as if I had me as a friend.  I often find exercises like that to be difficult but I know that I need to work on exercises such as these in order to further my personal growth and development.  I just wish exercises like this didn't have to be so hard/draining emotionally.  I guess I could look at it with the old saying, "anything worth doing is worth doing well" and just go for it...  We'll see how well that goes for me.

Need a new umbrella........

Well, another week has come and gone and I'm left wondering (again) where the week went...  This past week was a busy one at work and the next few don't promise to be any less busy (we had a meeting this past week, have one this coming week and another one the week after next).  In addition to things going on at work, we are busy getting ready for upcoming performances at the dance studio, and today I started coughing (I think it might have something to do with all of the lilies at church today for Easter Sunday - - I'm allergic to lilies).  Unfortunately it seems, once again, like when it rains it pours...


Another way it feels like I'm getting all wet is some drama is going on at the dance studio.  A lot of it probably has to do with the stress of upcoming performances and everyone is on edge.  I sometimes find it frustrating when we have these performances and people don't want to put in the work towards getting ready for them.  There are some people who would rather stand around and talk instead of rehearse.  I'm all for them wanting to stand around and talk but not during class/rehearsal time.  But, it's not my studio, so it's not my say.


When I was getting ready to go to the studio yesterday, I thought once again about the upcoming solos that I have and I realized that I haven't had my sword on my head for about a month - - not a good thing.  I think the only way for me to stay dry is to work with the sword whenever I have the chance this week (since my first solo is this coming Saturday) and listen to my music non-stop so I have a feel for what I want to do.  While I see nothing wrong with choreographing your solos, it's just not for me.  I'd rather create a skeleton choreography, with certain moves I'm working towards, rather than trying to have everything set in stone.  The only downside to having skeleton choreography is you have to know your music inside out, forwards, backwards and every other direction or you're going to be left onstage doing the same move over and over because you're lost in the music.  One of the pluses to using skeleton choreography is the dance is often new/exciting and it takes way longer to get "sick" of performing to a certain piece of music.  =)


Maybe one of the things I need to remember when it comes to feel like I'm getting rained on is how much fun I used to have playing in the rain when I was little.  I remember putting on my bathing suit, a pair of rain boots, sometimes grabbing an umbrella and then playing in the puddles and rain.  When did all of that change?  I hate to be in the rain now (both actual and the proverbial "when it rains it pours").  Something else that might help is watching the iconic scene from "Singin' in the Rain" where they show just how much fun someone can have singing and dancing in the rain.  I just have to make sure it's warm outside if I ever decide to recreate my childhood or the scene in the movie so I don't get sick (or even more sick than I've been this year...).


Maybe part of that is because there are times I feel like Winnie the Pooh when he was pretending to be a little black rain cloud.  I guess maybe I just need to let the rain happen so a rainbow can come out...  Something that may help the rainbow in me come out is the ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS new costume I have for this Saturday's performance - - I love you, Mom!!  

Thoughts

Well, I caught a little bit of flack for my car this past week (and for getting rid of my old one) but I stood my ground and am still very happy with my purchase.  =)  In some ways, I've been waiting for the "buyer's regret" that usually hits but it hasn't happened yet.  I'm not sure if it still will at some point or if I actually made a purchase where it's not going to hit me.  After other purchases I've made (which are way lower in sticker price than a car) in the past, that feeling of regret has hit after a couple of days.  I've had my car for just over a week now and I am still as happy/excited/giddy over my purchase as I was a week ago.  Maybe one of the differences is before this purchase, I actually did my research, weighed the pros and cons and then made an informed decision.  With other purchases in the past, I have just kind of decided I "needed" something and then went for it - not really thinking about what other ramifications could come from said purchase.  I love my car and can afford the payments so I guess those are the things that are most important.


Another purchase that I had made a couple of weeks ago (but just received this past week) is something to use during belly dance class.  I had found a weighted hip belt online that I wondered if it might amp up my rehearsals some (since I have unfortunately hit a plateau with my weight loss and figure re-sculpting) and I wore it to class yesterday.  The belt has 15 one-pound removable weights built into it and I used half of them during our two hour class yesterday.  WOW!  I will admit that I had sweat pouring after me by the end of the first hour and needed a second shower by the time I got home from class.  When I removed the belt after the second hour, I ran a couple of moves and they were absolutely effortless.  I was just amazed at what a difference it had already made after just two hours.  I was a little sore when I went to bed last night and went to get up this morning but that was only because my muscles were protesting some.  If the first time using them was any indication of it working, my muscles better get used to being a little sore because I'm going to keep using the belt and work towards adding more weight to it.  Especially with lots of upcoming performances and the thought of wearing a bathing suit this summer....


Well, I just got another belly dance gig lined up for this month.  I'll be performing with the troupe (including a solo in that show), the following weekend I'll be performing a solo during a fundraiser for Relay for Life, and the weekend after that I'll be performing a solo again in a performance of solos with my fellow troupe members (actually at the same location where I performed my first solo outside the safety of the studio).  I know I'm going to be a busy gal but I love getting out there and performing.  Performing, especially with my sword, fills a part of my soul I think.  One of these days I'm going to branch out and work with another piece of solo music but I think for the next couple of performances I'm going to stick with the solo piece I have been working with.  The piece has evolved over the course of the almost year I've been using it and I'm looking forward to seeing what variations come from my upcoming opportunities.


As I've been sitting here thinking, a kind of strange wave of nostalgia passes over me...  About four years ago I began working where I work now, thinking I would only be working there for approximately two years because that's the amount of time the wasband and I were supposed to live in this area before moving on.    Who knows where I would be now if that would have remained my reality...  I know some places that I wouldn't be - - - I wouldn't be at this place in my life; wouldn't be belly dancing; wouldn't be as independent as I currently am; etc.  Sure, those aren't physical locations but state of mind is a more important place.  Yes, there are times where I still think about changing locations but that doesn't seem to be in the cards currently so I'm going to continue to work on my state of mind.


Writing about state of mind, I'm still trying to wrap my head around the "challenges" I've issued over the last two weeks.  No, I still haven't been doing a very good job at completing the challenges myself but I'm still working on things.  I'm still working on turning my "flaws" into my uniqueness as well as finding a positive thing to say to myself in the mirror each day.  I guess those are just things I'm going to have to continue to challenge myself on a daily basis and I encourage you to do the same...