Time

I have hit some different milestones this week when it's come to my weight loss challenge....  I am starting to see some definition in my waist and it's been quite some time since I've had that.  Granted, I still have a long way to go in order to meet my personal goals but I know that any progress I'm making is a good thing.  There are times where I just get a little bit frustrated with the whole thing because I wish that I was making faster progress.  On the other hand, I know that if I lose weight too fast it could potentially come back quickly and I could gain more than I have lost...  Knowing that, I just have to keep plugging along and lose the weight as my body sees fit and just keep working at it.  As one of the workout videos I have says, "It took time to put the weight on so it will take time to lose it."  I will just have to keep telling myself that....  We'll see if that helps or not...


I have had some sleep success the last two nights.  I bought a new pillow and when I have slept, it has seemed to be more restful sleep.  I am really hoping that the sleep continues.  This past week was an emotionally draining one as well as a physically draining one and I'm not really sure what this upcoming week has in store.  I know that during dance class we will be continuing to work on a new and complex choreography (and I'm really hoping that we will run some of our other choreography as well so we don't forget any of those dances).  Learning new choreography not only taxes your body but your brain as well.  When we are learning a new choreography there are times that I curse my brain for picking up dances as quickly as I do just because choreography evolves and changes over time and there then is more to have to remember/memorize.  That's where sleep does come in handy...  =)


There are times where I look around and honestly wish that I had the capability to add more hours to any given day.  I have projects that I'm working on with more piling up on the back burner and I'm wondering when I'm going to find the time to accomplish the things that I have/want to work on.  At some point I think I need to go through some of my boxes that are still packed in order to get rid of some stuff (if it's still in a box at this point, do I really want to continue to hang onto it?  If my answer is no, get rid of it; if the answer is yes, why do I want to keep it?).  I have two baby blankets that I want to cross-stitch -- one is just over half done and the other is still in the package.  I have also wondered about adding a workout video or two to my weekly routine just to help shake things up weight loss wise.  However, all of these things take time and I just don't feel as if there are enough hours in the day/week in order to find time for me to get it all accomplished.  Maybe I just need to make a daily/weekly schedule for myself like we do for the kids at work.  We plan out their day for them in order to get things accomplished.  Hmm....  it's a thought anyway.


With that being said, maybe I need to put this away for tonight and attempt to get at least one more small section sewn on the baby blanket before I head to bed in order to start my week.  Sorry this post is on the short side but things need to get accomplished.....  I hope you all have a great week!

Sleep

I had people tell me this week how tired I've looked.  I think part of that may come from not having my glasses to hide behind.  I wore my new contacts to work all week so everyone could see the dark circles under my eyes (it was pretty funny - when one of the kids came into the classroom, they stopped in their tracks, looked at me and said, "What's different about your face??").  One of these days I hope that I'll be able to sleep but until then, I will just have to deal with people asking me why I look tired or hide behind my glasses instead of wearing my contacts.


Maybe there will be a time when I am able to sleep or even know why it is that I don't sleep at night.  I go to bed and feel as if I sleep for a some time each night (or I wouldn't even be able to function) but other parts of the night I toss and turn or dreams plague my sleep.  I had someone ask me why I don't take some sort of a sleeping aid in order to get a full 8 hours of sleep each night and my answer is a simple one -- because of how early I need to get up in the morning, I would have to go to bed like a half hour after I get home from dance class/choir or whatever else I might have going on in the evening and that doesn't sound like a good plan to me.  I feel as if I have too much to do after I get home and am never able to truly accomplish it.  Therefore if I go to bed even earlier, that would be way less for me to be able to accomplish.  I know that I'll be able to sleep eventually but not at the moment...


There is going to be a lot of dance practicing this week that I will be doing so I hope that I'll be able to sleep.  I have another big solo on Saturday that's going to require quite a bit of energy.  I will be dancing a solo comprised of two songs that lasts just over ten minutes.  It's the same routine that I performed at our studio nightclub show last weekend that I'll be performing this upcoming week.  While I am excited about having the opportunity to dance it again I am also a little nervous because of the expectation of this performance.


I love soloing for the person who hosts this venue but I also don't want to do poorly and disappoint.  She has been dancing for I'm not sure how long and is a fabulous dancer/performer.  Whenever I dance for her shows, she tells people as she announces me, how much she enjoys watching me dance.  I guess that just means I will have to practice whenever I have the opportunity this week and just trust that I'll be able to listen to the music and do it justice when I perform.


No matter what else I have going on in my life be it work issues, dancing, sleep issues, I know that there will always be some constants in my life -- my family.  I am thankful everyday that my family is close as we are.  Sure, we have our issues just like every family does but we try to always be there for one another however we can be.  I know that if I need to talk or vent or whatever, my family is there for me.  Sure, sometimes it can be difficult to get in contact with one another due to time differences but we try.


On this Father's Day (and every day), I am thankful that my Dad is still in my life and is there to support me.  Dad has always been able to relate to me in a way that no one else (other than maybe my Grandpa when he was with us) could.  Maybe it's because I'm so similar to my Mom...


I've been sitting here staring into space for a while thinking about my Dad and why I haven't been sleeping.  I think part of it comes from thinking in some way my divorce disappointed him (hearing Dad say that he was disappointed in us growing up was worse than him yelling).  When I was little, I wanted to marry a man like my Daddy.  I thought I had married that man and my ex ended up being the complete opposite.  Knowing that is a difficult thing for a Daddy's girl to swallow.  Maybe one of these days I will find a man for myself that is like my Daddy (and my Grandpa).  Dad, even though I know I don't need to say this, I'm sorry if I disappointed you.  I love you, Dad.


But until then, here's hoping I will be able to get some sleep tonight...

Speechless

I had a conversation with someone this week that ended up leaving me speechless...  Another person and I were having a conversation and she told me that she only wanted good things for me and hoped that I could wish the same for myself.  While that is a good thought, I'm not entirely sure how.  I know that I've written before about not knowing how to make myself a priority.  Other than a few years of doing the teenage thing and being totally self absorbed, I have been a people pleaser.  In being a people pleaser, that often means I put myself and my wants/needs after the wants/needs of those around me.


Maybe part of not going after my wants/needs is due to a fear of thinking that I had what I thought I wanted and it was then go in an instant.  It's not that I don't want some of those same things again I just don't know how to go after those things.  The person I was talking to suggested that I work on visualizing and maybe even creating some collages (by flipping through magazines, cutting out images that strike me and randomly gluing them together - - looking at it when I feel as if it's finished and concentrate on the result).  Now I'm not sure about all of that but I do agree that maybe I do need to spend some time being introspective and looking for some answers for myself.


I had another conversation with someone this past week and they asked me when I was going to get out there and start dating again.  I never know how to respond to questions like that.  I don't want to meet someone at a bar, the church I attend is comprised of mostly older or married people and I don't tend to run into any single guys where I work.  While I know dating websites work for some people, I just don't know how I feel about them.  I mean you have to base your opinion of someone by what they write (and in my opinion is much easier to tell if someone is telling the truth or not when you're face to face) and by photos (and the photos could be from ten years ago for all you know).  In that sense, I just don't know if the whole online dating thing is for me or not.  Since I'm not sure about online dating and my life is so busy, I don't know at this point how/when I'm going to meet someone unless someone I know fixes me up with someone to date.  No one I know has taken me up on that as of yet so we'll see if it happens or not.


Another experience that left me speechless this past week is the Mom of the child who sent my glasses flying approached me and asked if HR was going to cover my lenses or not.  When I told her HR's ruling, she said that she and her husband would be paying for them since it indirectly was their fault.  I was floored.  Yes, I feel it is the right thing for her to do to offer but I am still amazed sometimes when people do step up and take responsibility for their (or their children's) actions.  Don't get me wrong -- I am very appreciative to the fact that I don't have to replace the scratched lenses but I didn't necessarily want to hope that the parent's would cover them either.  I guess there are times where people can still surprise you.


One more speechless experience that I will share with you from this past week happened last night.  The dance studio last night was once again transformed into a nightclub and we held a Casbah.  Some of my fellow troupe members opened the show with a troupe choreography and then I was the first soloist of the evening.  I danced to two pieces of music (totaling just over 10 minutes in length --- my longest solo to do); the first piece is a new piece of music I have been working with and the second piece is my go to sword dance.  In the first piece of music, I ended up using a veil (which is something that I don't typically do) and also danced a short drum solo (which is something else I don't tend to do).  Today I got photos from my dance instructor's husband and I was floored.  While I know the photos are of me -- it's easy for me to see the person in the photos as someone else since that's not the "me" I see in the mirror.  I guess that's something that I will have to continue to work on.


Well, since I went to the eye doctor today and had a contact lens fitting (something I haven't had done in a few years since I have found contacts to be uncomfortable until the pair I received today) I should probably sign off and think about relaxing before bed.  Maybe I'll stitch for awhile on the seemingly never-ending baby blanket I am working on for my brother and sister-in-law since their new little one is due to arrive in a couple of weeks.  YAY!  Goodnight!  =)

Armor

After the last week or so that I've had, I feel like there are new dents in the armor I wear; some of those dents being bigger than others.  I know that each new challenge is the opportunity to learn/grow from your experiences but other times those new challenges just presents another opportunity to knock you on your butt.  In the last few weeks, I feel as if I have been knocked on my butt several times.


If last week's work drama wasn't enough for one person to have to deal with, I heard back from the HR department and work is NOT going to cover the lenses of my glasses getting scratched up with a child knocked them off of my face and onto the pavement.  I disagree with the ruling but from the claims website they sent me; I'm really not seeing that there are any options for me to pursue (unless I can convince the parent's of the child to cover part or all of the cost to replace the lenses).  Also at work this week, I found myself helping someone else get caught up with their work.  It's not that I mind helping out (it's the people pleaser in me, I guess) but I don't want it to become a situation where they are able to take credit for work that I have done.  I know that people can see me doing the work but it's still a difficult tightrope to have to walk.


Another tightrope that I'm attempting to balance on is I'm working with new dance music.  I have narrowed down my musical selection but have just under a week now to work on how I'm going to dance to it (this upcoming week is where we once again turn the dance studio into a Middle Eastern looking nightclub for us to perform in).  Along with working on this new piece, I'm also going to perform my "standard" sword solo; so in total I will be soloing for just over 10 minutes -- this will be the longest solo I have ever performed.  Yes, I have danced with the troupe for over 45 minutes at various different shows but I see solos as totally different.  I know that I'll have the stamina and endurance to dance for the 10 minutes; it's my fear that I won't be able to keep the interest of the audience for that amount of time.  I guess all I can do is my best though, right?


I feel my armor also got chipped this past week by a couple of different people asking me when I'm going to start dating again.  It's not that I don't want to but I feel as if there are some obstacles in my way in terms of being able to do so -- I don't have very much free time; it's been so long that I don't know where to start; also because it's been so long I'm not sure I remember what to do...  I know that part of finding yourself in a relationship is the willingness to put yourself out there and be vulnerable and that thought is a scary one for me.  Maybe one of these days I'll feel comfortable with removing the armor and putting myself out there again.  There was a new gentleman who sat in the back at church today but, typical me, I did not go up and shake his hand.  Maybe if he's there again next week I will try and muster up the courage to welcome him.  We'll see, though.


Another area of my life where I don't know if I need to repair/remove my armor has to do with my personal weight-loss challenge.  I have been able to continue to lose weight (a staggering amount for me actually) but I still have issues with my body image when I look in the mirror.  I know that my weight is going down because I can see the numbers on the scale as well as see the difference in how my clothes are fitting.  Where I don't necessarily see my weight loss is when I look in the mirror.  I still have issues of how I see myself in the mirror.  I know that's something that I may or may not struggle with the rest of my life but it is hard for me.


If I haven't had enough challenges in the last couple of weeks, yesterday I felt a tickle in my throat, I began to cough and my nose plugged up.  I'm really hoping that it's just allergies and that I'm not getting sick.  I have too many upcoming things to be coming down with something.  Since I'm not sure if I'm coming down with something or not (knock on wood that it's just an allergy attack!), I think I'm going to shut this down for tonight and relax a little bit before heading to bed.  Have a great week everyone!  =)