Adaptation

What does it mean to adapt?  Who determines under what circumstances the adaptation should be experienced and who should experience said adaptation?  Because I'm a nerd (I've been a nerd all of my life and I don't see that word as holding a negative connotation), I go to the dictionary for the definition of adapt; according to Merriam-Webster, adapt means: 

• to change your behavior so that it is easier to live in a particular place or situation
• to change (something) so that it functions better or is better suited for a purpose
• to change (a movie, book, play, etc.) so that it can be presented in another form

Adaptation is not often easy but it is often necessary.  Sometimes multiple adaptations are necessary in order to make it through the day...

All of that being said, I have some adaptations being thrust upon me at work as one of my right hand employees has given her notice so she can move up in the organization and be the administrative assistant to my boss's boss.  While she is no doubt going to do an absolutely phenomenal job, I am left wondering what's going to happen to my building without her.  We are getting ready to go into our busiest time of year (8 weeks of summer programming) and I can have upwards of 60 kids in attendance each week; and some of the kids are only attending one or two weeks out of the summer so the paperwork alone is a nightmare.  I'm hoping to be able to find a qualified replacement, but until then, I get to do her work in addition to my own.  Adaptations are definitely going to need to come into play since I already work too many hours daily...

Because I work too many hours, I'm trying to come up with a way to make adaptations in how I approach my work day.  I don't know if I need to tell myself that I'm going to spend X number of hours in my office working on paperwork and X number of hours in programming or what I need to do but I know that I do need to make some sort of a change.  I know I spend too many hours a day cooped up in my office and I somehow need to change that - even if it's just taking a walk daily to get out of the office for a short time, I think it would help.  Since I focus so much on putting the needs of my staff ahead of my needs, I tend to just work through lunches at my desk and let them take the time they need out of the building and I stay behind.  I'm not wanting to get out of the building in order to "hang out" with them but to just escape and let my mind wander - which I'm not overly good at allowing it to do.  I think it's (my mind) too little to be wandering on it's own....  ;)

One of the things I am proud of was something we accomplished at work this past week.  For Red Nose Day, we held a food drive with the kids at the center and we were able to collect two barrels worth of food for the local food bank.  I don't work at an overly large center (about 100 kids from the preschoolers/after school kids/teens) and I was very proud that they were able to collect that much food.  For every kid who brought in a can of food, they got a red clown nose (Red Nose day is an opportunity for silliness to bring awareness to a cause - this year was childhood hunger); for those kids who brought in more than one can of food, they could give it to another child for them to turn in.  With the amount of food collected, every kid in the center, from preschool through teens, were able to "earn" their red nose.  For our first community reach out event, I felt as if we did really well.

I did allow myself to relax yesterday when I took myself to the movies.  I have been anxiously waiting for Alice Through the Looking Glass to be in theaters and that's what I took myself to see.  I definitely found it to be darker than the first movie but I don't necessarily mind that.  There were some profound statements made in the movie and concepts of impossibilities and muchness that I needed to hear.  Now my next step will be figuring out how to translate those concepts into my everyday life.

I have a tendency to put my exploration of impossibilities/muchness/my own quest on hold in order to accommodate others and I need to put a stop to doing that - I need to learn how to adapt in order to still be me in different situations.  I tend to put my wants/needs to the wayside and focus on what I perceive others wants/needs of me to be and in doing so, I start to see taste as impossible and my muchness as being too wild; I don't want to do that anymore.

Well, my dear readers, I need to bring this to a close.  I just realized what time it is and even though I get the day off of work tomorrow, I should probably get some sleep.  I, for one, am hoping to dream of impossibilities and muchness!  =)

Me time

It's funny/sad at the same time how little thought I give to doing things for myself and how much time I think about doing things for other people.  This past week, I worked approximately 58 hours over six days and I probably would have worked a few more if I didn't have a dentist appointment one day and have to leave work early to make my appointment.  One of the things I didn't like that the dentist told me is he said that he can tell I'm overly stressed because there is evidence of either clenching my jaw or starting to grind my teeth at night; if I don't do something about it, I'm going to end up in a night guard and that thought does not appeal to me.

After all of that, I opted to do several things for me today and, for the most part, I feel very good about those things.  I started my day by getting up very early (not so fun) and I went whale watching. I haven't gone in forever (in about a year) and today was a great day to go!  We ended up seeing three different types of whales (a minke, several humpbacks and lots of orcas), some dolphins, sea lions, jellyfish and different kinds of birds.  When I checked in at the stand, I was given a free upgrade to the upper deck of the boat and it just helped with the amazing view - it was a beautiful day out and the water was relatively calm (even though one guy ended up getting sea sick).  I enjoyed the time out on the water and it definitely helped make me feel more relaxed.

Once we got back to shore, I went to find my favorite crepe restaurant only to find that it had moved locations!  After an initial moment of panic, I was able to find the new location and enjoyed two different crepes - I had a lemon sugar one (a favorite of my mine and my Mom) and I splurged and had a homemade caramel one too.  While I consumed too many calories, today was about doing things for me so I didn't overly care.  And it helped that they were both super yummy!

When I got home, I did something that totally terrified me - I submitted my resume to an online job application.  It's a job that I thing I would enjoy and be good at but the thought of hitting the submit button and actually applying for it, makes my anxiety rise.  One of the things that made it difficult is I don't really do a good job advertising myself and thankfully my Dad helped me rework my resume - I definitely still have more work to do on my resume but I didn't have a chance to stress over it too much today since the job posting ended today and I had to send it.  We'll see what comes from it and go from there.

I know I come by second guessing decisions honestly (I think it's in my DNA since I know both my parents do it too) but I think I'm waiting for the day or the decision that just feels "right" that I don't feel the need to "what if" it to death.  Since today is not that day, I should probably bring this to a close and attempt to get some sleep tonight.  I know this isn't an overly long post, but I spent a good chunk of my afternoon working on my resume and I just realized what time it is so I should head to bed.  I am hoping that my newfound sense of wanting to do some things for me will spill over into my work week.  Thank you for joining me, my dear readers!  =)

In a rut...

Being in a rut is never a good or fun thing.  Unfortunately I feel as if I'm in a rut in multiple aspects of my life so that seems to make the feelings of discontent compound.  It's difficult to go in and out of these different parts of my life, have a smile on my face day after day and I feel as if it's starting to weigh on me.  There are times where it is difficult to pretend that everything is okay and it's also becoming increasingly difficult to be the constant people pleaser.

One of the things I know that I need to do is stand up for myself, put my foot down and stop looking for someone else's permission/approval in order to do something for me.  It dawned on me today that I haven't been whale watching for almost a year (something that I absolutely LOVE to do) and I haven't been to the local aquarium for longer than that even though I'm paying for my annual membership.  Why haven't I done these things?  I've been putting the needs of others above what I want to do.

This upcoming week, I have a dentist appointment - I have already had to reschedule this appointment 3 times and people at work still wanted me to reschedule it since I'll have to leave work about 45 minutes early in order to make it to my appointment on time.  Why should I have to reschedule it?  I have employees who would request a whole day or at least half a day off for their own dental appointment but they're giving me a hard time over 45 minutes in a week where I'm already slated to have to put in extra hours...  This Friday, I have to work the parent's date night from 6 - 11 pm and I'm also slated to work Saturday for my Sports Coordinator who wants the day off (a full 8 hour shift); those hours are in addition to working 10 or more hours a day.  I need to learn how to day no and do what I need to do for me.  I'm not sure what that would look like since I don't tend to operate along those lines but I need to figure out something.

This weekend I had the opportunity to participate in the 2016 International Shimmy Mob - a flash mob of belly dancers who participate in their local communities all over the world who have learned the same choreography.  This year's choreography was okay (I liked it better than I liked last year's) but this year my group also learned the bonus choreography which was a lot of fun.  Not only was it set to fun/funky music, some of the moves were very different than things we do with the troupe I belong to.  Because I enjoyed the music, I ended up downloading the album and became drawn to the "club remix" of the song we danced to and I made the mistake of telling someone at the studio that - she sent me a message saying that she and two other dancers called "dibs" on the choreography and the music; I tried explaining to her that I didn't want to use the choreography but eventually might want to create my own solo to the music.  Drama ensued and I've been allowing it to bug me since - rather than just ignoring it and doing whatever I want since it's childish to call "dibs" on a public piece of music.  Oh, well; maybe one of these days I'll learn....

"Be true to who you are..."  This is something that I heard said by Tziporah (from Advanced Style) on a commercial; she has a fabulous sense of style and doesn't really care what other people may think about how she dresses.  Last weekend, I decided to have green and purple streaks put in my hair and someone at work asked me if I did it because I lost a bet; I did it because I wanted to.  It will wear out/fade in time and we'll see if I decide to color it again or not but for now, I'm enjoying it.  How I look at it is it's fun and it's only hair so big deal.

Well my dear readers, I should probably think about bringing this to a close since I just realized what time it is - it's after 11 pm here and while I'm not tired, I should probably try and get some sleep since I have a long work week ahead.  Thank you for joining me my dear readers and if you find yourself in a rut, I hope for you and me both that we can find our way out of our ruts soon...  Be you and let your freak flags fly!  =)

Accomplish

This week has left me feeling as if there was very little that I could write on a list that I feel as if I'm doing well.  Now in my more rational moments (which can be few and far between it seems), I know that I could write a list of things that I do accomplish well but that is not the list that keeps me up at night.  There was actually one night this past week that I woke up in an absolute panic around 4:30 am and have no idea why.  It was not a good feeling and I still haven't been able to figure out where that feeling of panic came from.

There were moments this week at work that left me questioning what I've been doing the last 2.5 years because I felt as if I didn't have a handle on my job but that it had a handle on me.  I once again put in an extraordinary amount of hours and don't feel as if I crossed off enough items on my "to do" list along with the amount of time I was in the building.  Over the next number of weeks, I know that I'm going to have to put in lots of weekly hours as we are gearing up for not only summer programming but for an inspection at some point as well (it's an unannounced visit so we just have to be ready for it).  I know that my "to do" list is always going to be there the next day when I walk into work; I spend my nights adding to it and don't always remember what I need to add to it when I get to the building in the morning.

In my more rational moments, I know that I am only one person and can only get just so much accomplished on my own.  On the flip side, there are times that I criticize myself for not getting enough accomplished on any given day and the times I spend in programming with the kids/teens, I should be in my office getting things done.  I don't want to necessarily isolate myself all day in my office but I know that there are days that I probably need to do just that in order to clear some of my "to do" list.  Maybe I just need to pick one or two days out of the week to do just that - spend much of my day in the office and accomplish as many things as I can off of my "to do" list since I never know if a staff member is going to call out of work and I need to be in programming as support.

I think I need to learn to be more like my Mom and get better at multi-tasking.  Like most Moms, my Mom is like an octopus in the sense that she always seems to have multiple pairs of hands, working on multiple projects at any given time.  While there are times (and maybe quite often) she got frustrated by us kids, she still was able to accomplish what we needed from her and accomplish it with love.  Another thing I think I need to remember to take from my childhood is Mom told us on a regular basis (Dad did too) that, "poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine;" I think I need to take this into work.  I am often told to drop everything in order to complete a task; this isn't always and easy thing to do but when the boss says to...

Even though I don't get to see my Mom near as often as I wish that I could, I get the opportunity to talk to her almost every week.  While it's not the same thing, it's nice to be able to talk to her and draw strength for the week from those conversations.  I've always been close to my Mom and even if I'm just talking to her about how my week went and what's on my agenda for the upcoming week, it's nice to be able to hear her voice.  Thanks for always being there for me, Mom!

I guess I should bring this to a close for the night and attempt to get some sleep tonight.  I'm not overly tired but I know that I need to head to bed so I can face the day tomorrow and the week ahead.  Thank you to all of the Moms out there - you are loved/appreciated more than what your kids tell you!  I love you, Mom!

Being me

Along my journey of self discovery, I have had some bumps along the road and made some questionable decisions.  I get as if something that happened today was a small victory along this journey, some may say it was a questionable decision, but it felt really good to get it off my chest...  I was approached by the pastor today (and if you've been following my readings, you know that she and I do not see eye to eye) and she said, "Have you tried, you know, to not be so weird?"  My response?  "Have you tried, you know, to not be so judgmental?"  There was no answer given to my question and it was one of those fleeting thoughts at the time, "should I have said that" and my answer to myself was "yes" because it needed to be asked.

I don't mind people asking me about my personal style; what I do mind is people asking me to change who I am in order to make themselves more comfortable.  I don't know if it's from their own inner weirdo that is jealous that mine is unleashed or what it is but I do get tired of people trying/wanting me to fit inside the box that they want to define me.  Rather than letting it effect me, I am going to continue to be me and ignore what other people may say.  I am trying to work some on my confidence and not worry so much about what other people comment - whether it's in my earshot or not.

This past week at work has been filled with me trying to clear out my email in-box as well as find the top of my desk which became buried in the two weeks I was away (one week for official work travel and the following week being with family for a funeral).  I still have a pile on my desk but I have the goal to get through all of it in this upcoming week.  One of the accomplishments I did have from this past week is I removed a very old set of plastic venetian blinds from my office and hung a beautiful set of golden oak wooden blinds to cover the window.  While I was standing on the chair to start hanging the new brackets, one of the maintenance guys walked into the building and asked if I needed his assistance - I told him that I knew what I was doing (thanks, Dad!) but if I got to the point of frustration and was trying to pound in a screw with a hammer or something, I would give him a call.  I almost got to that frustration point on the last screw because the screw head stripped and I had to remove it with a pair of pliers (not an easy task working in the small area of the bracket) but I got it removed, was able to replace the screw and hang the blinds.  I think I impressed some of the people at work by not just giving up/giving in and calling the maintenance guy to "fix" it but that I accomplished it myself.  There are times in my current job where I miss having opportunities to accomplish tasks such as this...

I had the opportunity today to be the substitute teacher for the dance class that I sometimes work with and I felt as if the ladies learned a lot.  I took the time to ask them what moves they might be struggling with to see if I could explain it in a different way for them in the hopes they could have a better understanding.  It is a wonderful feeling when you see someone finally "get" a move and they become more comfortable with it.  I get the chance to work with them again next week and it's my hope that I will help them out with more moves then.

Because I have several meetings at work this week, I know that I'm going to have to come up with a game plan in order to get my desk cleared off, attend the meetings, accomplish the tasks after the meetings and deal with anything else that comes up.  In order to feel like I'm not losing myself in the process, I know that I will need to have some muchness in my wardrobe/accessories.  In order to do this, I should probably bring this to a close so I can prepare for my week.  Thank you for joining me on my journey!  =)