Working on me...

Tiresome.  Annoying.  Frustrating.  These are three words that pretty much sum up my week.  I didn't feel well most of the week and I ended up missing dance rehearsal on Monday night and took more than half of a day off of work (that definitely shocked me since I don't take time off of work when I'm sick).  Right before I left work on Tuesday, I called my boss to make sure she'd be okay with it and I told her that I needed to go home and die.  She told me not to go home and die but to go home and rest; I came home, took medicine and ended up dead to the world asleep for 4.5 - 5 hours and even woke up not really knowing where I was.  It was a struggle to get through the week but I was able to do it I just wasn't at my normal 100%.

For those of you who know me, I really don't like not being at my 100% (and I know that my 100% isn't the same as someone else's 100%) but I know rationally that I can't always be at that level without needing to cut myself slack at times.  That's not something that I usually tell myself but I'm realizing it more and more - I need to cut myself slack.  I need to tell myself that it's okay if I don't accomplish everything at the end of the day.  I need to tell myself that a job is still done even if it's not "perfect."  I need to tell myself that it's okay to delegate.  I need to tell myself that it's okay if I screw up - the world won't end if I make a mistake.  In general, I need to do a better job at giving myself pep talks rather than pointing out all of the negatives (even though in the past, it's been way easier to believe the negatives, I need to change that before I make myself crazy or make myself crazier than I already am....).

This upcoming week at work is going to be an interesting one since I will be out of the building for a day and a half of training.  I will be in the building Tuesday after training for about an hour to close the building and then Wednesday is supposed to be a half day training and a half day of work.  This has happened before but I put pressure on myself to get five days worth of work done in the three and a half I'll be in the building.  What I'll have to attempt is to just keep a running list of things to get done and be okay if I don't get everything done in a day that I set out to do - it will stay on the list and I will get it done when I can.  The training is mandatory so it takes priority over getting some of the other things done (or it's just an opportunity to work on my delegating skills).  

One of the things I'm working on telling myself, along with all of the other things, is that I matter.  If I'm sick, I'm entitled to time off just like everyone else.  If I need to get something accomplished, I get to close my door and get the task completed.  If I need to take a break, I get to walk away from work for a bit just like my staff gets to.  If I want to express myself with crazy hair/colors/accessories, I get to do just that.

That brings me to a conversation I had with someone while walking into church this morning.  She's the choir member who asked to read a couple of my postings and she had told me at choir practice on Thursday that she was going to smack me over what she read.  She didn't take the opportunity to smack me on Thursday since someone asked if I could give them a ride home after rehearsal so she smacked me today.  When I asked her why, she asked me why I haven't talked to anyone at church about feeling as if I don't belong - I turned it around to her and asked her why no one noticed.  We talked some about me being referred to as "hey you" on multiple occasions and the fact that no one from the church was really there from me after the divorce (I know that was a long time ago but the hurt feelings are still there).  We'll see if anything comes from it but at least the conversation was had.

I feel as if I've given myself some things to think about as well as some goals so I'm going to bring this to a close for this evening.  Since I've been sick, some night have been more restless than others but I'm hoping to get a good night's sleep tonight so I can get my to do list accomplished at work tomorrow - we'll see how that goes.  I hope you have a wonderful week, my dear readers, and thank you for joining me again!  =)

Respectfully Disagree

So I got caught...  The choir member who gave me the piece of paper last Sunday asked me during choir practice on Thursday what I was writing (because she correctly guessed I wasn't taking notes about the sermon).  I started to tell her about my blog and about what I wrote about last week.  When I told her about feeling like a fraud, it took a couple of times of me saying the word fraud and then she finally spelled it out (f-r-a-u-d) to make sure she heard me correctly.  When I said yes, that I had been feeling like a fraud, she responded that she respectfully disagreed with me.  Now I'm honestly okay with that because everyone is entitled to their own opinions (which I told her) and I also told her that I'm entitled to feel how I'm feeling regardless if she agreed or not.  She asked if I would be okay with her reading what I wrote and I took her a printed out copy of my post from last week today.  I took it to her this morning and I was touched because she had tucked extra paper in her choir folder specifically for me in case I needed it again.  We'll see if she has anything to say about my writing when I see her at choir practice this coming Thursday...

I do think it's interesting that this is the first time I've really talked about my blog with the individual in the church choir since she and I have sat next to one another almost the entire time I've been in the choir (I joined the choir in 2008 and have been writing my blog since 2009).  When she and I were talking about it, she asked if I would be bothered if she read what I wrote.  I told her that every Monday morning, my Grandma and I have breakfast together since she reads it every week (Good morning, Grandma!).  Although I don't necessarily go around and advertise that I write, I honestly don't mind who may come across and read what I write; because, once again, I think it's okay to respectfully disagree with people's opinions (the key is being respectful about it though).

How I've been feeling lately came up at the dance studio this past week and it did not sit well with my dance instructor.  We've been learning a new choreography for an upcoming performance in March and I'm definitely struggling with it.  It's not so much the moves I'm struggling with but the particular style of the dance.  It's a very flirtatious/girly dance and that's not my favorite style - I tend to lean more towards the dramatic.  When I told her that I've been struggling, she said that when we struggle it tends to be right before we have a breakthrough.  While I can see what she's trying to point out, I just don't know if that's what's going to happen in this particular instance.  It seemed to me as if she took what I said very personally and that's not how I meant it - I just wanted her to have an insight into how I was feeling.  She said that I would be bored if I quit dancing and I said that it might just be that I needed to take a break for awhile and then come back to it.  If I take any sort of a break it will be after this particular performance since we had to sign a contract saying we would only miss two rehearsals and they needed to be because of emergencies - I don't think because I want a break counts as an emergency...

Because of how I've been feeling lately, I'm wondering if I am in need of some sort of a drastic change.  I'm not sure what that drastic change will be but it might be what I need to push me in a different direction.  I know that changes don't necessarily have to be big ones but I'm thinking because of feeling "fraud-ish" it might have to be that drastic change to push me beyond that feeling.  I am going to give some careful consideration to what this drastic change will be so I don't add regret to how I'm feeling.

I'm sure that it doesn't help at all that I've been health wise under the weather yet again.  It's been raining and the temperature has been fluctuating so there is some fuzzy stuff growing outside (which I'm allergic to) and I'm not sure if I've ever fully gotten over what I had a few weeks ago when I went to the doctor.  Because I haven't been able to breathe out of my nose, sleep has been restless (even though you need more sleep when you're sick) and that has changed my temperament as well.  I've been drinking my orange juice today and taking some medication so I'm hoping that will push me over the hump.  Tomorrow, first thing, I get to head to get my yearly work physical so, depending on how I'm feeling, I might talk to the doctor to see if he thinks it's allergies or if I still have a cold/sinus infection hanging on.  It's one of those times where I'm hoping it's just allergies...

On that note, I'm going to bring this to a close for tonight so I can take some more sinus medication and hope to get some sleep tonight.  I hope you have a good week my dear readers and if you have to disagree with anyone, I hope you are able to respectfully disagree with them - remember, we're working on being kind.  Thank you again for joining me!  =)

Fraud

Fraud...  I know that's a strong word with a strong connotation behind it but I felt compelled to write about it this week.  I actually felt compelled to start writing this post during church today - I started writing along the edge of my bulletin and a choir member gave me a piece of paper out of her choir folder so I felt as if I had her support; plus the sermon was about epiphanies and I felt as if I had an epiphany and that where the compulsion to write came from.  I do want to have a disclaimer before I get too much farther into this post (I haven't had a disclaimer for some time) - this post may be a little dark but, as I said, I felt compelled to write it.

There are times I feel like a fraud at work, at church, at dance and even sometimes at home.  I want to take this opportunity to explain why I write that - I'm going to break down each area:

At work, I have felt like a fraud every time I feel as if I'm trying to fake things - which has become more often as of late.  I have been attending different trainings lately and finding out that I have been doing things wrong for the last two years as a manager - not in every aspect of my job but in some pretty significant areas.  I also feel as if I've been a fraud when I tell my staff not to take the job home with them and that work will be available the next day.  I take the stress of my job home with me on a regular basis and will often put in extra hours in order to complete tasks.

There have been moments while sitting in the choir loft at church that I'm waiting to be struck by a bolt of lightning.  Ironically, I don't necessarily feel like that while I'm visiting my parent's church; only when I'm in the church that should accept me since I attend and am a member, do I feel like I'm a fraud and am going to get the lightning bolt.  Why do I feel this way you may ask?  It's an excellent question that I don't necessarily have an excellent answer for...  Up until recently, I felt as if even though I may not necessarily look like I belong in church, in my heart at least I felt as if I belonged there - I don't feel that way anymore.  The congregation at my parent's church is huge so it would be very easy to feel lost but I have never felt that way there.  I feel accepted no matter how I look or my act and I even hear that still/small voice telling me that even though I mess up, that it's okay and I still belong.  At my church, I feel as if it's just a matter of time before my transgression are discovered and made know to everyone and the bolt of lightning is going to strike - and justifiably so.

We are currently working on a new dance choreography at the dance studio and I'm struggling with it.  I am trying to figure out if I'm struggling with it because it's new or if because it's really not my dance style.  Mom is working on a new spectacular costume for me to wear while the troupe dances it so I have to learn it.  Luckily I have almost 8 weeks to learn it and I'm sure I'll be able to but right now I'm struggling.  When I'm on stage (especially when I'm with my trusty sword) I know that I am able to show a confidence when I dance that I don't always feel inside.  I'm just waiting sometimes for the belly dance police (even though they don't exist) to approach me and tell me that I shouldn't be dancing/performing.

Am I feeling this way because in multiple areas of my life I feel unworthy and unlovable?  I just reread what I've written and it strikes me that I really and truly feel that way.  I guess, when it boils down to it, I want to be me no matter where I am.  I don't want to feel as if I have to change who I am based on my location or who I'm with and right now, I feel as if I have to make that change.  Maybe I'm feeling this way after the movie I went to see yesterday where the main character was willing to do whatever it took to be them (I went to see The Danish Girl - very intense/controversial but very good).  This particular concept is one I need to working on embracing for myself.

On that note, I'm going to put this away for tonight and work some on a blanket that I'm currently making for myself.  I've given myself a lot to think about and I'm hoping that I'll be able to work through at least a little bit while my hands are busy working on the blanket.  If you have any suggestions, please feel free to leave me a comment.  Thanks for joining me, my dear readers!  =)

Expectations vs. Reality

It's a new year so everyone is talking about resolutions, setting new goals, trying to reinvent themselves, etc.  Has anyone ever stopped and asked why?  Why is the pressure put on us to change who we are because it's the beginning of the year?  Questions like this always make me think of one of my favorite quotes by Dr. Seuss - "why fit in when you were born to stand out?"  What does this have to do with resolutions you might ask - simple - I'm not making any except one........  Rather than always worrying about others, I'm going to worry some about myself.  I'm not saying this to be selfish but I need to learn how to take my wants/needs into consideration; and I can't do that if I'm always trying to please others by going out of my way to worry about them.

Okay, I lied.....  I am going to make one other change this year - I'm going to work on being more kind.  Not only am I going to be more kind to others, but I'm going to be kinder to myself.  One of the things encompassed in that is allowing myself to be me.  I feel as if lately I have become so concerned with how others may view me or what they might say that I haven't been as kind to myself in terms of my appearance.  Granted, there are some things I would change about my appearance (mostly in terms of weight) but that doesn't mean I have to change wearing wild colors/crazy jewelry/funky shoes if those are the things that I want to wear.  If I want to wear a blazer, why does it have to be black?  Why can't my blazer be fuchsia or teal or crimson or sequins covered?  Why can't my shoes be covered with glitter if I want them to be?  If these things make me feel good about myself, why not embrace them if they're going to help me be kinder to myself?

For whatever reason, it seems as if we live in a society where it's almost expected of us to tear others down and to stab them in the back.  I wasn't raised that way.  I don't understand the beating down of others just to make myself higher up on the food chain.  I grew up in the Midwest and have been told that I was raised to be "Midwest nice."  Maybe that's my struggle living on one of the coasts - they don't understand "Midwest nice" and I don't understand being overly cutthroat (even though I enjoy watching Cutthroat Kitchen).

While on the topic of things I don't understand, I don't understand why we tell kids to reach for the stars or to dream big when we discourage adults to do the same thing.  We tell adults to get their heads out of the clouds and to stay grounded.  We tell kids that it's okay to color outside the lines but as adults, we have to stay within the constrains of those lines.  What changes along the way from what we tell kids and what we tell adults?  And why do we do it?  Is it, because as adults we've forgotten how to dream big, reach for the stars or color just for the fun of it?  Are we just too busy trying to strive for perfection that we not willing to make mistakes?  This is something that I want to change for myself personally - not as a resolution but as a personal lifestyle change.

Well my dear readers, I'm going to bring this to a close for tonight; I have a new book I've been looking forward to starting and I think tonight is the night I'm going to start it.  I've given myself some things to think about and while I know I'm not going to come up with any answers overnight, might as well start now.  Have a good week and thank you for joining me!  =)

Whirlwind, travel gods and sickness.....

This past week has elapsed in a whirlwind - some good, some not so good - but definitely a whirlwind.  I travelled back from my parents this past week and after all of the travel I've had lately, the trip back, the travel gods were not in my favor.  I had a tight connection, made it to the gate, only to find out that our First Officer got stuck on his inbound flight and we just had to wait.  We were originally told that the delay would be approximately 30-45 minutes but it ended up stretching out to a two-three hour delay.  Because of that delay, I missed my next connection and ended up spending about 14-15 hours in the airport for a 25 minute flight between where I was and where I needed to be.  For part of my wait, I lucked out and remembered that I had brought a one-time airline club pass with me (even though I didn't expect to be able to use it with my tight connections) but it was kind of fun to be able to use it.  I had never been in an airline club before but they had really comfy chairs, free food/drink and it was quieter than being in the main airport so it was nice.

I have never been one who is good saying goodbye and this trip was especially difficult.  The day I left, my parents were watching one of my nephews and I asked if he was going to take me to the airport - he told me no because I needed to stay at Oma's (what he calls my Mom).  We convinced him to come with me to the airport because I had to go and after hugs, they (my parents and nephew) walked me to the security checkpoint.  My nephew asked if he could come with me and I told him that he couldn't because he needed a ticket.  He looked at me with puppy dog eyes and said, "Please can I have a ticket, Auntie Gypsy, please?!"  It just about broke my heart to tell him no.  Part of me wanted to just scoop him up in my arms and take him with me, even if just for a little while.  My brother told me that he's still been asking for me and that brought me to tears while I was sitting in my apartment.

Every time I come back from visiting my family I realize just how quiet my apartment is.  I know I tend to say that every time but this travel way different - not only was I visiting my family for 2.5 weeks, I was gone for a week of work travel right before that.  When I was traveling for work it was different since I was in a hotel and I was still working daily (going to the class I was attending).  When I was with my family, I could sleep in (to an extent since I helped my Mom watch my nephew and the days he was there, he arrived bright and early), I met up one day with an old high school friend, I hung out with my family members and just enjoyed the love/laughter/family that went on while I was there - I miss those things to my very core when I am away from them.

It probably doesn't help that once again I am sick.  I went to see the doctor at urgent care today and he told me that I may have been feeling better (which I was) but with my travels/lack of sleep/pushing my body to exhaustion once I was back (had a dance rehearsal an hour after I made it back and then we had a long performance the next day), I got sick again.  I don't like going to the doctor but I figured going into the petri dish that is work tomorrow (remember, I work with kids) I should probably get ahead of whatever I have.  The doctor told me that I have a sinus infection, a swollen lymph node behind my ear causing pressure, and the start of a cough (which luckily is not in my lungs yet - they were clear) so I have several medications to take over the next week or so.  Hopefully  I will start to feel better soon - especially since I will be going into work tomorrow and have to hit the ground running...

Well my dear readers, speaking of hitting the ground running, I should probably get my medications in order, wrap my head around going into work tomorrow and head to bed.  I don't wanna go to work tomorrow (written in my very best whiney voice.....).  It'll be nice to see the kids and all but I'm not ready to see the amount of work that has built up in my absence.  Oh, well.  I'll get through it one task at a time and I can only tackle what I can in one day and I'm going to be okay with that.  Here's to a new year!  Have a good week, my dear readers and thanks for joining me!  =)