My own worst critic....

I has been a busy week and a crazy weekend... As I sit here, I am not necessarily focused on all of the good things that happened but rather on the mistakes I feel as if I made...

I got a slight promotion at work and am in a position where I feel as if I can make a difference, however I know that it is going to be a struggle. It means more work/responsibilities and it also means hearing that not everyone is too thrilled with me being selected for the position. I know that this comes with any job and I will just have to work through it; proving that I was the best candidate for the position. Only time will tell.

Last night I had a dance solo performance and I felt pretty good about it. I truly felt as if I "heard" the music and I danced my emotions. I even got one of the highest compliments I think I could receive from the coordinator of the show; as she announced me she said that she wished she could dance like I do (and she's been dancing for I don't even know how long). However, after thinking about my performance, one of the things I've been thinking about is I didn't smile as much as I could have (something I have been working on since the beginning of my dancing).

This morning I sang a solo at church and everyone said that it sounded really good - - all I remember was I messed up the words in one place. Granted, I know that no one else knew the words to the song I was singing, but it's one I don't know how many times and feel as if it was a mistake that shouldn't have happened...

Then tonight, I had another belly dance performance that included two troupe dances and then I did a solo (as did 3 other troupe members) and I feel as if I didn't "feel" the music tonight as I did last night. Yes, people told me that I did a great job and my instructor told me that I my face was much more "alive" tonight as opposed to last night's performance. I just don't feel as if, in general, I did as well tonight as I did last night.

I guess it truly just boils down to me being my own worst critic. I have still be struggling with self-image issues; unfortunately there are times when I look in the mirror and see myself 100+ pounds ago (part of this could come from being at a bit of a plateau weight-loss wise; but I guess that's just something else for me to continue to work on).

Maybe I need to try and do something that I read about a while ago... I read in a book that it was recommended to take one month and write down something good/positive you have done each day. By the end of the month, go back and re-read what you have written in your own words (it's one thing for someone else to point out what you have accomplished, it's something else entirely to have to point it out to yourself).

I guess for today, I could say that I helped two girls (I think they were 9 and 11) who were both doing their debut belly dance solos. They were sisters and they were both extremely nervous (they happened to go on one after another right after I performed). I talked with both of them before I went on and I hopefully helped to calm their nerves - I told them to go out there, enjoy themselves and the audience would love them. Since they went on right after I did, unfortunately I wasn't able to see them perform. However, I did see them later with huge smiles on their faces. That did make me feel good.

Well, since I have had a very busy weekend and have had emotional ups and downs, I should probably bring this to a close since my alarm clock will be ringing very early in the AM. We'll see how the positive thinking goes in the next few days.....

Things I've learned from My Dad

I've been sitting here for I don't know how long thinking about what I'm going to write about today. The answer was pretty simple.... Today is Father's Day and I have been thinking about all of the things that I have learned from my Dad. Same disclaimer as Mother's Day - - my Dad has no knowledge I'm going this and he did not put me up to it. =) Here goes:

• "Isn't being a grown-up fun??" - - while most of the time, when he asks this, my answer is "no," it's nice to know that if/when something comes up that's unexpected, Dad's answer will be a constant =)
• No matter how old I get, there is still a spot for me on my Dad's lap
• Even after all of these years, my Dad still knows how to tickle me with his beard =)
• Even though the 'boo-boos' I get these days can't be covered with a band-aid, even getting a "phone hug" from my Dad can melt my heart and make me feel better
• I have learned that I still need to hear my Dad say that he loves me and that he's proud of me/my accomplishments
• I still love to hear my Dad's pet names that he used for me as I was growing up
• With patience, Dad taught me how to drive a stick shift and that has been very useful throughout the years
• Dad taught me that it was important for a girl to know how to check the oil on the car as well as fill the windshield wiper fluid
• Dad also thought it was important for me to know how to safely use different kinds of tools - - you never know when you might need them for your own home improvement project (according to my Dad, you can never have enough tools)
• Dad taught me that it's okay to be serious about the serious things as well as have fun with the fun things - - that it's also okay to take time for yourself if things get too overwhelming
• That, when all else fails, God is always there
• That even if we can't be together, Dad is there for me in spirit and is just a phone call away
• While although he won't come right out and tell me what to do, he'll listen to what I have to say and may offer a different perspective

These are just some of the things that I have learned from my Dad throughout the years. This is in no way everything that I have learned.... I have learned so much from both of my parents and am very lucky to have the parents that I do. My parents encouraged my sister, two brothers and I to be independent thinkers and to stand firm in our beliefs. I would say that even if my siblings and I have stumbled along the way, we have remembered the teachings from our childhood and we are the adults we are today because of Mom and Dad (it helps that Mom and Dad are still there to help us up along the way as well).

Growing up, my Dad had to travel quite extensively for his job and I think that's what made his "home time" even more special. No matter how long his day was, he made time for each of us kids to make us feel loved every single day (both Mom and Dad did). Dad, thank you for all of the things that you taught me growing up and for the things that you still teach me. Thank you for always being there for us (even if it was just in spirit because you were working) and for being one of my number one supporters. I love you Dad and I'm sending you a big Internet hug. (But I won't tell anyone...... oh, wait..... I already did.....) =)

Music

I have been listening to a lot of different types of music in this past week and have also been listening A LOT to my belly dance sword solo music. As I was listening to "regular" (non belly dance music), I was doing some errands around my apartment - washing dishes, giving the dogs a bath, putting away laundry, etc. When getting said errands done, I realized that I have very eclectic tastes when it comes to music - not that there's anything wrong with that! =)

When listening to my solo music, I have been trying to hear the "story" within the music. This is something that my instructor gave me to do as homework. During class this week, she asked me if we could listen to my solo piece so I could see others dance to it and I could see their interpretations of moves to the music. As we were all moving, my instructor stopped us and she said that none of us were really telling a story with our movements so she began to call out one possible story... "The Princess awakes from a dream and finds herself lost in the woods.... she's looking around for her Prince/lover.... she can hear his voice but she can't find him.... as she searches for him, the Black Knight finds her..... she has to run from the Black Knight.... knowing she can't outrun the Black Knight, she begins to seduce him with her moves... while she is seducing the Black Knight, up rides the Prince and engages the Black Knight in battle.... the Black Knight rides away and the Prince rides off with the Princess who is safe in her lover's arms again....."

Well, for those of you out there reading who know me, the very beginning of her story (beginning it with the "Princess), left me going, "um... no..... that's not the story I hear." When I told my Mom about the story, she told me that maybe I just need to envision a different type of princess when I hear that term - - not the typical pink dress, pointy hat, long hair, etc - - but I need to see Xena: Warrior Princess. Now she was my kind of princess! =) Mom also was telling me about something she saw on TV that made me think of her - there were girls dancing for a group of knights, while the knights were distracted by the scantily clad women dancing, the dancers took the swords of the knights and stabbed them to their chairs. Does it make me a bad person to say that I cheered "YEAH!" when my Mom told me she thought of me?! =)

After Mom gave me these different thoughts, I listened to my music again. Needless to say, I have some new thoughts as to what I can to do to "spice up" my choreography... I am looking forward to getting into the studio and working with it (and my sword) again. I guess, in all reality (thanks to Dad for also pointing this out), I need to dance how the music makes me feel and that's what I need to show those watching me. Everyone hears music differently and I don't have to try and make myself hear the music a particular way just because someone else does. Getting both of those reminders from my parents (about the different princesses and music) it made me feel better about my music and my upcoming performances (in the next two weekends, I have 3 solo and one troupe dance performances).

Along with working on my dance stuff, I survived Parent/Teacher Conferences this week - always a relief to be done with those. They were completed without too many surprises (hopefully the parents weren't too surprised by anything that I had to say - they didn't seem to be) and now all I have to do is input their comments into the computer tomorrow during my planning time (all of our observations/notes are computerized).

In addition to computer/classroom work, I also have a mandatory Staff Meeting this week, dance class, as well as a Conference I'm attending Thursday-Saturday, choir practice, and my friend is having a birthday Hafla on Saturday (a dance party)... Just thinking about all of it is making me exhausted... I should probably rest-up for the onslaught of activity the upcoming week has in store for me.

=)

Just Keep Moving....

Have you ever felt like you need to find a way to just keep moving, even if it's just putting one foot in front of the other, because if you stop, then you're thoughts catch up with you? That's how I'm feeling right now. I feel like when I sit down and attempt to relax, my mind continues to go a million miles an hour. Thankfully, I'm still sleeping but we'll see if that continues or not for me...

This last week at work, I was in and out of my classroom helping to move furniture for another classroom and then I was one that helped to move/arrange furniture in the building we have for school age children. Needless to say, the days that I was moving furniture, my body was exhausted but my mind was still going, even when I sat down. On top of all of that, we had a late night where we opened the center from 6 - 11 PM so parents could go out (we also did it the week before and I worked both late nights). So, I'm feeling a little bit overworked physically.

I am also a little overworked mentally because this upcoming week at work it is time again for Parent/Teacher Conferences. On Monday and Tuesday, my entire mornings will be filled with 30 minute conferences with the parents of children in my class. Hopefully they will all go over well and there won't be any major surprises for the parents or for myself... =)

At least when I get home from work tomorrow after my first day of Parent/Teacher Conferences, my new belly dance scimitar should be here! I'm hoping. According to my tracking information, it should be here before the "end of the day" tomorrow so we'll see if I'll have it in time to head to the Studio for class or not... I am looking forward to getting it and trying new moves with it to the piece of music I selected.

Speaking of that piece of music, I had an interesting conversation with my instructor over my selection yesterday... I have upcoming solos and I mentioned that I was going to do my sword piece that I used for my premier sword solo. She told me, that in her opinion (from years and years of performing and teaching) that my piece of music might be too difficult for some to listen to. At first I told her that I would try to find a new piece but couldn't promise anything in time for the upcoming performances. I then stopped myself and told her that no, so few pieces of music "speak" to me in a solo sense that I am going to stick with the music I have selected. She told me that she was impressed that I stuck my ground but I have kind of been worried about my decision since then.

Granted, I am going to stick with it and continue to work with this piece of music, I just think that some of the feelings of worry come from my insecurities and self-confidence issues. Maybe getting the new scimitar will allow me a fresh start with this piece of music as well as a fresh outlook on this particular solo.

To go along with a new outlook, I am working on creating a new dance belt for myself. I found a belt online but decided that it was a little out of my price range at the moment so I am attempting to create and truly customize it. I have finished (I think) one out of ten tassel clips and I think it's going to be very impressive when the belt is completed. One of the neat things about it is, each of the individual tassels are made onto lobster clips so they can be removed, rearranged, swapped out the possibilities are going to be endless to go along with different costumes so I'm excited. =)

Well, with the jitters of everything going on with work this week, and the excitement of working with the new scimitar and belt, I should probably bring this to a close and see if I can work off some of this nervous energy before attempting to go to bed tonight. Take care, dear readers! =)