Catch-up

Going back to work after a week long vacation was... interesting.... I had a pile of things to take care of that I missed, learning about some upcoming events, and I just had to get used to being back in the swing of things (as well as having those at work adjusting to my being back). This upcoming week will be my first full week back to work and from what I've already been told will be needed of me; it's going to be a crazy week. In preparation for this crazy week, on Friday before I left work, I created a schedule for myself so I would know what I need to take care of when just to get it all done. Hopefully I will be able to stick to said schedule...

Another way that I need to play catch-up is taking care of all of the little things around my apartment that need to be done. I have laundry in the washer and dryer as I write, but I have dishes to do and a floor to vacuum. But once again, my weekend has just kind of flown by and other than having clothes in the washer/dryer; I don't feel like I accomplished anything this weekend really.

In a strange way, going back to work this week along with saying "until next time" after my Mom's visit, has also made me realize that I need to play catch-up along my journey of self discovery and improvement. With everything else going on in my life, I have once again allowed the wants and needs of those around me to cloud what I want out of my life right now. One of the things Mom did before she left was she wrote me a touching note that she left on my nightstand. In the note, she told me that I shouldn't throw myself into work so hard that I forgot that I had a vacation. Unfortunately, after just a few hours of being at work, the relaxation from being on vacation was gone and I felt the stress I tend to impose on myself to meet the demands of other people envelop me.

It probably doesn't help too that I feel as if I've been in a fog all day. Yesterday I had dance class (and I was struggling through a choreography that I haven't learned yet) and then spent most of the afternoon at the birthday party of my friend's son. Because I still feel awkward in social situations, I came home exhausted. It's strange. For as often as I put myself in the spotlight dancing on stage, I still often feel "in the way" in large groups of people. Then, at 2 AM, my smoke alarm decided to beep to tell me that it's battery was dead. After that scare, I was awake and then read for a bit. After I put the book away, I tossed and turned for the rest of the night. I attempted to close my eyes for a bit this afternoon but sleep eluded me. Hopefully that means that I will be able to sleep tonight. I'll just have to wait and see...

Going back to feeling awkward during social gatherings, I think a lot of it comes from feeling like I am misunderstood. I know that I am a complex person and have often just kept quiet rather than go into all of the details of what makes me who I am. I know that we make assumptions of other people everyday (I am one who does this as well even though I am trying very hard to no longer do so - - especially where my sister is concerned) but I wish that if people wanted to know something about me that they would just ask rather than make those assumptions. I do know that I would have to let my guard down some to allow this to happen and maybe that's one of the next facets of personal growth and development that I need to address...

Since I'm running on little sleep and I still have laundry and dishes to do, I should probably turn this off for tonight and hope that I am able to stay on top of my schedule at work this week. Wish me luck.... =)

Disclaimer....

It has been brought to my attention that my blog posts lately have been filled with "disclaimer" statements. I have been pondering why I have been doing that... Other people don't apologize for their thoughts/feelings yet I do on a regular basis. My response to things is often "I'm sorry" even if I don't really have anything to be sorry about. I think saying those two words has become too easy to say; saying "I apologize" is more difficult. This is something that I'm going to work on. I am also going to work on using these "disclaimer" statements when writing. This is supposed to be a platform for me to write about my journey and not make apologies/excuses for stumbles or pitfalls I may find along the way.

Today is the last day of my weeklong vacation and Mom went home early this morning. Needless to say, it's been kind of a long day so far today as well as pretty quiet in my little place. My dogs have been kind of moping around my apartment looking for Mom (and for cheese balls I think - - a treat from "Grandma"). They are probably going to pout more tomorrow since I have to go back to work. As always, all good things have to come to an end...

Mom and I had a weeklong visit and it was filled with all sorts of whirlwind adventures. =) We went on fabric shopping excursions (for costuming and for curtains Mom made for my place), we bought an unexpected (but absolutely stunning) belly dance costume for me, saw a belly dance show, went whale watching (and saw humpback whales!), spent an absolutely fabulous day wandering on the beach, and many more just fun opportunities. Granted, along with Mom's visit, I jokingly told her that she brought me the "plague" (some weird cough that she had caught from my sister) but we both felt fine other than the cough.

While Mom was here, my little apartment felt more like a "home" than it does when it's just the dogs and me. Now that there are curtains on the windows and touches of "me" here and there it does feel more like my place (even though I've lived here for just over two years) but would I call it "home"? Not necessarily. I guess I just have to keep making the best out of my place and keep adding my own personal touches to it how I can (since I can't paint or put any holes in the walls.... the Command hooks have become my decorating best friend).

After Mom's visit, it makes apparent to me the next things I need to work on along my quest. I need to start acknowledging my accomplishments (even the smallest ones) and stop saying "I'm sorry" for just being me. I know that I'm not perfect but I can work on the best "me" that I can be and not make disclaimers for myself. Here's to the next chapter of my quest... =)

Time

I have learned something about time. The more you feel like you have to accomplish, the faster time seems to fly past. Even though time itself is consistent, the perception is when you have little or nothing to do, time seems to go slower and the opposite is also true. I guess one of the reasons I have been thinking about the passage of time so much is I feel as if I have a very long list of things to accomplish and I am out of time in order to get it all done...

Don't get me wrong, I am VERY excited that my Mom is coming to visit me this week but there is a lot that I wanted to get done before she came. Granted, I did already give her a disclaimer for if I didn't get my list accomplished - - I told her, "Mom, you know how my room looked growing up so nothing should really surprise you..." =) We'll see if she's surprised or not...

Even though Mom is going to be here for a week, I know that the time will go far too quickly. There have been times that Mom and I have been talking on the phone and all of a sudden we'll realize we've been talking for 2 hours. It'll be interesting to see how long conversations last when it's just the two of us. I'm sure it will also be interesting to see what kind of "trouble" we get into when she's here... =)

I guess at the end of the day all I can say is if I have done my best managing my time during the day or not. Today I ran errands before and after churched, talked on the phone with my Dad (still working while on the phone with him), worked for several hours after that and then finally decided that I needed to sit down and eat something (since I didn't really eat anything all day). As I was sitting here eating my dinner, I realized that I had yet to think of something to write about today...

In thinking about the passage of time, I have had some pretty interesting thoughts go through my head:

• I came across some wedding photos as I was cleaning - if the wasband and I would have stayed together, we would have been married for 8 years this winter
• Next month, it has been 3 years since the wasband chose to walk away
• For the last 3 years, I have been learning how to stand on my own two feet
• I have been dancing for two years (almost!)
• Depending on what we're learning in dance class, the time seems to go super fast or it seems to slow down (I am also finding this out on a slightly different scale because I have been helping out as the "substitute" dance instructor and depending on the class dynamic the time seems to drag on or be over before I know it)
• There are times where I find myself just sitting and then I realize that 5-10 minutes have passed because I just kind of been staring off into space - - must show that there are times where I'm over stressed...

Sigh. Even though I may have really said anything tonight or not, I think it is time to sign off (I just realized what time it is...) and it's time to go to bed. Hope everyone has a good week! =)

I am sleepy....

It's been a long week and weekend and I think it's probably a very good thing that I have tomorrow off of work....

It really started on Wednesday night with dance rehearsal, Thursday was my birthday as well as choir rehearsal, Friday I went to work and then had a dance performance, yesterday was a day working on my apartment, and today was a dance performance approximately 3-3.5 hours from here... I'm tired.

The dance performance on Friday was special in more ways than one. Our dance instructor hired a live band to come to our studio and we had practiced a choreography to dance to their live performance. It was a little bit nerve wracking just because we weren't 100% sure if the band was going to play the music the same way they played it on the CD we had been rehearsing too (luckily they did!). This was the first time that I had performed to live music and it definitely was an interesting experience. Not only was this my first time performing to live music, it was also my first opportunity to do a mini solo to live music (I shared one piece of music with two other girls where we each took our turn on the stage). Another first for me this night was along with my solo, I danced with a veil. Originally my instructor asked me if I would want to use a sword with this solo but I wasn't personally feeling it with the music - so I opted at the last moment to use a veil instead. I don't know if I would classify it as my best performance however, I felt okay about it because I challenged myself and went outside of my own comfort zone. I just have to look at is as yet another aspect of my personal growth along my quest.

The trip to and from today's performance was filled with fun and laughter. Because so many of us attended today's show, we ended up taking two vehicles and the vehicle I was in laughed the entire way there and the entire way back I think. I couldn't even tell you at this point all of the stuff we laughed about (I do know that some of it was about things that were pretty dumb) but it was nice to laugh so much that I think I might have earned a few more laugh lines and some sore abs/ribs in the morning. =)

I don't think that my doggies are too pleased that I haven't been home too much over the last couple of days so it's probably a good thing that I get to stay home tomorrow. Granted, I will spending tomorrow (hopefully) continuing to work on the never-ending "stuff" that needs to be done around the apartment -- especially since my Mom will be here in just over a week! WooHoo! =) Yes, I am very excited about this fact! I know that I have lots of things to get done between now and that time but I will hopefully get it all done... We'll have to wait and see...

I think I'm just feeling as if I need a Mom "recharge." I'm not saying that to put any added/extra pressure on Mom but I feel that it's true. For the last number of years, I have developed a very special relationship but I think in some ways, I am trying to make up for lost time with Mom. As I've written about before, there was a point where I wasn't as nice as I could have been to my Mom and spent a lot of time responding "whatever" to anything that she said. It's not like that anymore. While there are times we don't always see eye-to-eye, we talk it out these days. I really hope that this relationship between Mom and I continues. =)

Well, since it's been a long and crazy week, I am going to sign off for another week and see what this upcoming week brings! =)

To do list...

I had a list of things that I wanted to accomplish this weekend and I don't know if I really accomplished any of it. I started quite a bit of what was on my list but I don't feel like I can really cross any of it off. Oh, well. I still have time to get this stuff done... I hope...

For some of the things on my to do list, I don't have a time limit to get them done. Other things on the to do list do have a time limit since my Mom will be here before I know it... Even though I have quite a bit to do before she comes, I am definitely looking forward to her visit! With everything I have going on before she comes, she will be here before I know it. This coming week I have parent/teacher conferences at work, dance rehearsal, two dance performances this next weekend (one of them will be to live music so that will be interesting...) and then just the other random things that could happen throughout the week. It's a good thing I have a week off when she's here. =)

Something that I guess I can say I accomplished this weekend is I took two large trash bags and an oversized laundry basket all full of clothes to donate to the Goodwill. I can't believe that I had that much stuff to get rid of and I still probably could use to donate some more (I got rid of articles of clothing that no longer fit but I was still hanging on to them). It did make me feel good to know that someone who needs those clothes will be able to get use out of them.

I think getting rid of these clothes is yet another thing I have needed to do to find some closure with everything that has happened to me. Some part of me feels like I was hanging onto some of these clothes in the effort to hang onto that "other me." Most of the clothes were too big so I don't know why I was hanging onto them other than that reason. I guess when it comes time to replace some of these articles of clothing I will have the opportunity to replace them with quality clothing (even though I did have some nice pieces) rather then just buying what I could find that fit.

In an effort to "jump start" my weight loss again, I got two new workout games to use on my Wii. At this point I have only tried one of them but it definitely worked up a sweat! One of the things that I like about the work out game that I have tried is it has a "quick workout" feature that allows you to get a workout in just over 15 minutes and it also has different levels that you can choose from (from beginner to advanced). Hopefully I will be able to keep it up and it will give me the results that I'm looking for. =)

Well, even though it's getting late here, there are one or two more things that I do need to accomplish (hopefully) before going to bed. I have a long week ahead of me and I know I need to get some sleep but I also need to un-bury my bed first. Wish me luck.... =)