What was I thinking??

This weekend has been utterly exhausting and it's all my fault... Yesterday I had my normal two-hour belly dance class and I worked for a half hour before class and just over a half hour after class (so, yes, a total of three hours of belly dance). Then, after I got home, I decided to put myself through another one-hour intense workout. So, yes, I put myself through four hours of intense workout yesterday. When it was time for me to get out of bed this morning, I didn't think that I'd be able to move.

After I stretched, I was able to move and get my day going. Today was another busy one. I went to church, came home and did laundry, talked to my parents (had a fun little power outage while I was on the phone with them), I vacuumed the rugs, used the wet-jet on the floors, gave the dogs and bath and now I'm writing. It's been a long and busy weekend.

While it felt good at the time to work out as much as I did yesterday, I don't believe I will be putting myself through that kind of strenuous day again. I think my workout obsession yesterday came from what I wrote about last week. I would like to change the way I look on the outside but I don't think overdoing it like I did yesterday is the way to go about it... My Mom suggested today that I might not want to overdo the workouts (because that will add muscle, which in turn, will add weight) but tweak my food intake. Maybe some small changes will give my body the jump-start that I'm hoping for...

I think part of this desire for change comes from the time of year this is for me. Just about one year ago today, I said good-bye to the wasband (as I've written about before - - I'm not the best when dealing with good-byes) and maybe that has something to do with the fact that I'm not overly excited with the things I see in the mirror. I'm hoping if I can jump-start my weight loss again that might help. While I have still been toning, my weight loss itself has hit a plateau. We'll see if I can't change that.

Another way that I have helped change the outward "me" is I have ordered a new pair of glasses. I picked out red frames (I wanted to have some "fun" glasses this time) but I did have to special order the lenses for them. They are going to call me when I can pick them up (hopefully this week). On top of that, I am now thinking about what I may want to do with my hair (do I want to chop it off or let it grow longer and then chop it off if I hate it?) and what I would like to do with my wardrobe if/when I can ever afford it. So, needless to say, I am at a point (once again) where I feel as if I have WAY more questions/thoughts than answers.

I guess what I just have to do right now is celebrate the small things - - a new color of nail polish (right now my fingernails are turquoise and my toenails are hot pink), conquering a belly dance move that I have been working on, remembering to take time to put on a little make-up in the morning before work, a one pound weight loss, my glasses being ready for pick-up, etc. It's all a starting point, right?

Good-byes

This weekend I went out with a group of ladies to say "good-bye" to a good friend. She and her family are getting ready to move to the other side of the country. It was kind of a bittersweet get together. I am going to miss her but I am glad for her and her upcoming opportunities/possibilities.

For me though, personally, going out is a bit of a challenge. I often feel as if I'm an ugly duckling in the midst of a group of swans. Not because I see myself as "ugly" per se however I feel as if everyone is looking at me to determine why I am with the others in the group. I am the anomaly; so how/why do I fit in with this particular group of individuals? I know that I need to look past the imperfections that I see in myself because they are not necessarily the things that other people see when they look at me. However, that is something else that I find it difficult to say good-bye to...

For as much as I have always hated being so hard on myself, it has been one of the consistent things that has stayed with me over the years. I have often in my life found the "good things" harder to believe about myself. I am always quick to point out the good qualities in others and quick to brush off when someone does compliment me. This is something that I have tried to be introspective of and figure out the "why" behind it. Maybe the why isn't so important.... Maybe just exploring my other options is what's the most important thing.

I don't know. I know that I'm no expert on quests but maybe this is just another facet of mine. I mean, I've heard that you have to love yourself before someone else can love you. It's not that I don't love myself, it's that I am overly critical of myself (I know this). It is something that I am working on but it has become a much slower process than I would like for it to be.

I am working on saying "good-bye" to the negativity in my life but I know that if I want to make a change like that it is going to take some time. It's just like anything else really. It's going to take time to make sure it's done properly. This is just one more alteration that I want to make to my life and have it be a life-long change.

I'm sorry if this entry hasn't been bright and cheerful. These are just some things that have been weighing on my mind/heart lately and it doesn't necessarily help that I'm still not getting restful sleep at night nor have I been able to get rid of this cold as of yet. I should probably try and head to bed and see if restful sleep comes...

I am exhausted.....

It has been a long and crazy week.... Monday started with my having a tickle in my throat that turned into no voice by the end of the day. After work, I had a text message from my dance instructor saying that she had fallen and hurt her hip and she asked me if I could teach class that night. So, without a voice, I taught two hours of belly dance class. Tuesday, I woke up, had no voice, and was completely stuffed up and had a horrible cough. Knowing that I had to get better and had dance rehearsal every night this week (we had a HUGE performance today - - which I will get to in a minute), I wasn't sure what I was going to do (oh, plus I stayed at work an extra hour and a half helping in another classroom on Tuesday night).

Wednesday, there were extra teachers in the building and I decided to leave early. Yes, me, I left early!!! I went to the store, picked up some cold medicine and then went home to take a nap. After setting my alarm (since I had dance class Wednesday night), I woke up and felt a little bit better. I needed to go to dance class since it was our dress rehearsal for our performance today (it was my opportunity to try out my Mom's awesome latest costume creation - - everyone LOVED it!).

Thursday night, after work, I had choir practice (there was dance practice but I went to choir.... turns out I should have gone to dance because one of our performers opted out of our performance and was replaced at the last moment) but I only stayed for the first hour out of two. I figured that even though they would be working on other pieces, they would mainly be working on the piece to sing at church today and I didn't go to church today due to our performance. I also figured that I was just starting to get my voice back so why put additional strain on in.

Friday night, even though I should have been at home in bed, I went out for dinner with some friends from work. It was fun at the restaurant but after we left the restaurant, one of the girls and I went to a little coffee house where there was live music. I had never done that before and really enjoyed listening to one of the guys sing and play his acoustic guitar. I may have to go back to the coffee house one of these days...

On Saturday, I went to dance class for our final rehearsal. We were doing a run thru of our performance for today and I did something to my knee (a knee that I have had trouble with in the past but haven't had a flair up for about 3 years). So I was given strict instructions to come home and rest my knee for today's performance. Since I was just sitting here, I worked on a jacket to wear to the belly dance festival we participated in today. I used a line drawing of a dancer my Mom had drawn and put it on the back of the jacket (using 200 crystals - - yes, I was bored and counted them) and then used crystals to spell out "shimmy diva" on the front. =)

So, that brings us to the festival today. It was SO much fun!!! I haven't been to a belly dance festival this large before. We had a great time with a great performance (even with our last minute replacement). Everyone was very impressed by our performance (and I got several compliments on my costume - - we saw the DVD and I definitely stood out in the troupe! =) ) and we enjoyed ourselves. After our performance, we had time to watch other performers and wander around a look at what the vendors had to offer. It was almost overwhelming how many different items were for sale; regardless, a great time was had by all. =)

But as you can see, I have had a very busy week and I should probably go to bed. I hope everyone has a great week! =)

Closing another chapter

I am looking into closing yet another chapter in the Book of Wasband. I have boxed/sent off the jewelry he gave me over the course of our marriage and am selling it (or at least, selling it is the plan). The only pieces I am looking at keeping are the diamond earrings that he gave me since I wear those pretty much everyday (and they were a Christmas gift rather than anniversary gifts). I am at the point where I am ready to let the other pieces go (and in doing so, hoping to free myself).

Of course before boxing the pieces up, I had to open the boxes the pieces were in and look at them/put them on one last time. This was a good thing and a mistake at the same time. I think it was good in the sense of one last opportunity for closure; it was a mistake in the sense I then cried for 45 minutes to an hour. After the cry, I packed all of the jewelry into a box and sent it to a friend of mine who is going to look into selling it for me. The idea of sending it to a friend of mine to see if she could sell it was actually my Dad's idea...

His thought was if I sent it to a friend who has not emotional attachment to the pieces, she will either be able to fight for a better price or just go through with it (rather than the possibility of me "chickening out" at the last moment). So, I did my part and sent it to her and now all I can do is wait and see what she finds out. I think it will be a good thing to have this chapter of the book closed so I can move onto the next chapter/book.

In this current book, the wasband has been a main character. In the sequel, I will be the main character. In a lot of ways that's an awfully odd concept for me. I am working on my own story and, as of right now, I am just looking at a book filled with empty pages. As an avid reader (and a writer; even if it's just my blog) and empty book can be a little disconcerting. Yes, that means it is full of possibilities, but as I've written before, sometimes too many possibilities can be an overwhelming thing.

I guess to keep it from being too overwhelming; I can look at it as I look at writing my post each week. I start with a blank document and add one word at a time. A combination of words turns into a sentence. Sentences blend together to create paragraphs and so on. That's how I have to look at my story right now. One word/one thought at a time and go from there. It's okay if I don't know how it's going to end when I start, I just have to write. And while with writing, I can hit the delete/backspace key if I don't like what I've written, I know I can't do that with life. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I am hesitating seeing the blank pages before me...

I just have to realize for myself that even if I do make a mess/mistake, all I have to do is clean-it up and move on. I don't have to let a mistake define me or who I am working on becoming (the best version of myself that I can become). I also don't have to try and erase the mistake but rather learn from it and move on from there. Besides, there is no eraser in what we call life. I know that it may not always be easy, but we were never promised that life would be easy.... It's just life. Make of it what you will... As Kermit the Frog says, "life's like a movie, write your own ending.... keep believing, keep pretending..."

He's one smart Frog. =)