I wanted to call this something else but didn't necessarily think that using the title "Held Hostage" would go over very well; even if that's how I feel in one particular all consuming area of my life currently...
If you remember, last week we had our big annual inspection at work where they basically look at all paperwork, processes, programming, etc. of the building under a microscope. The inspector that I worked with has been to my building the last few years now and I appreciate how he's been able to help us grow as a program overall - when I first became the director, we received an 82% that year; last year, we went up to an 86% and this year, we earned a 90%. Now, on paper that seems like phenomenal progress, right? My boss has said that mistakes that were made (last year and this year) could have and should have been avoided and we should have done better overall. As a perfectionist (and just being who I am), I take that as I could have and should have done better and the reasons we lost the points were because of me.
I think my staff did really well with their contributions to the inspection and while some of the mistakes we made were simple/stupid ones, it was the inspector's job to find them (and he did) and that will hopefully make us a better/stronger program overall. I have been told that my attitude in regards to inspections is too caviler and that I should put more emphasis on them. In my opinion, the more you freak out about inspections and the more you try to change right before an inspection comes (just to try and improve your score), the more mistakes you'll make during the inspection because those changes aren't in your day to day repertoire. I know that not everyone (my boss included) shares that mentality and that makes it difficult around inspection time for me because the more they go crazy and want to change things, the more I shut down.
I have always known that I overanalyze problems/situations and that was validated when I was at my conference a few weeks ago when I learned about my management/communication style. When I'm not allowed that time to at least start to analyze a situation (even though it is better for me to have time to overanalyze a situation, I at least need time to analyze it), it doesn't go over well with me and I have a tendency to shut down and retreat within. Over the last few weeks, my boss has been firing tasks left and right and not giving me time to really analyze anything and yet she's annoyed that I've become withdrawn. Now she wants to plan a meeting with the management team between both buildings to find out where the communication breakdowns are because it's no longer working for her.
None of this is probably helped by the heartbreaking short conversation I had with one of my 4-year old nephews today. He was over at my parents house to enjoy the pool and he wanted to talk to me for a few minutes. He told me about swimming and how he had to get out of the pool because there was a storm, and that he's getting ready to go to school, and why can't I come home and he thought I liked to come home. Gee, thanks kid... It was wonderful for him to want me to be there but it breaks my heart that I couldn't just magically appear because he wanted me to be where he is (he was the one last December who wanted me to buy him a plane ticket so he could come with me through security). All of the trials/tribulations at work because of the inspection and listing to my nephew today, it makes me feel even more like I'm trapped here...
There are times that it feels impossible to stay overly positive when you feel beat down by so many challenges/obstacles. I've put in a request to be able to see my family for the holidays (and it was a number of weeks ago that I turned it in) but I haven't received it back with permission from my boss. It gets extremely frustrating to know that I have time off available on the books (as well as lots of compensatory time that I'll probably never see) and I'm told that there are times throughout the year that I'm "not allowed" to take time off. What good is it to earn the time off and then not be able to use it? Just one more of the frustrations I'm dealing with...
Well my dear readers, before I work myself up to much and then attempt to get sleep tonight, I should probably bring this to a close and get ready for the work week ahead. Thank you for joining me and I hope that you have a wonderful week with opportunities of muchness waiting to be embraced! =)
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Two days...
Two days. That's all that it took was two days. After two days at work this past week, it feels as if I wasn't away from work for a week learning about myself and the idea that I was going to have a better time of things at work. Not only have I needed to jump back into working too many hours (Tuesday and Wednesday I worked from 6 am until after 9 pm, Friday I worked from 5:40 am until after 11 pm, and then I worked yesterday from 7:45 am until 3 pm). When I got back from my conference, we had a visit from someone from the regional office and told us some recommendations she would make for where I work. My boss took that to the absolute extreme, made me spend thousands of dollars on supplies (and according to the boss, not only did I not spend enough I bought the wrong stuff), rearrange the entire programming area to her specifications all to prepare for our inspector who showed up on Friday (and he'll be in the building until Tuesday this week or so). I have always known my boss to go bananas right before an inspection such as this but I have never seen her throw this kind of, lack for better way to describe it, temper tantrum like a little kid would...
Through these interactions with her this week, not only did my staff and I have to rearrange the entire building and introduce new items that the kids have no clue how to use in our environment right as the inspection is happening, she also decided to hit below the belt in how she was talking to me. She reduced herself to name calling and making other comments (such as "what have you been doing over the last three years down here?!") and people have questioned why I didn't say anything to her. When faced with a situation such as this, I shut down and then completely internalize the things that were said; leaving me feeling as if I was chopped into itty bitty pieces and those pieces were left for wolves to gobble up.
My Mom made a comment when I was talking with her today that seemed rather appropriate - there has been lots going on in the family lately (much of which hasn't even made it onto my blog since it's not all of my information to share) and it feels as if we are slowly being pecked to death by ducks. I know that there are lots of tragic situations happening all around the world but my family has been faced with lots of trials and tribulation this year and we are all just ready for it to just stop. Just a few of the things that have occurred is - finding yesterday that one of my dearest high school friends has been diagnosed with some weird type of lung cancer, one of my nephews this morning had to go to the hospital with a touch of baby pneumonia and this past week my Grandma was in the hospital due to a bug she picked up. I have heard all of the sayings - "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," "God doesn't give you more than you can handle," "when God closes a door, he opens a window," etc. but at this point, I just want to throw my hands up and say, "enough is enough already! I am stronger, I can't handle anymore and I am ready to jump out of said window...."
I think what makes all of this worse (or at least makes it seem worse) is feeling as if my conference from two weeks ago, feels as if it was a lifetime ago. From enjoying time with my friend, her family, and learning the things I did, it really was one of those "mountain top experiences" and it granted me the opportunity to see things about myself in a different perspective. The trouble with said "mountain top experience" is they can leave you extremely vulnerable to either falling or being pushed off the top of the mountain; only to get badly hurt/injured as you fall down the side of the mountain as you can't stop the momentum once it's been started. Because of what's occurred at work this past week, I feel as if I haven't yet come to a stop after being pushed by my boss off the mountain top and I haven't been able to ascertain what my injuries are yet...
Well, my dear readers, as I attempt to gather my muchness in preparation for whatever challenges I may face this week, I should probably bring this to a close. I know that I have at least two days of inspection this week, am short staffed due to a staff member calling out with her son being sick, dance class, a staff meeting, choir practice and all the while attempting to keep my sanity - we'll see how well all of that works... If it doesn't end up working, I would like my straight jacket to be fuchsia with sparkles on it. Thanks for joining me; sorry this was kind of a depressing post but I feel as if I needed to get this off my chest...
Through these interactions with her this week, not only did my staff and I have to rearrange the entire building and introduce new items that the kids have no clue how to use in our environment right as the inspection is happening, she also decided to hit below the belt in how she was talking to me. She reduced herself to name calling and making other comments (such as "what have you been doing over the last three years down here?!") and people have questioned why I didn't say anything to her. When faced with a situation such as this, I shut down and then completely internalize the things that were said; leaving me feeling as if I was chopped into itty bitty pieces and those pieces were left for wolves to gobble up.
My Mom made a comment when I was talking with her today that seemed rather appropriate - there has been lots going on in the family lately (much of which hasn't even made it onto my blog since it's not all of my information to share) and it feels as if we are slowly being pecked to death by ducks. I know that there are lots of tragic situations happening all around the world but my family has been faced with lots of trials and tribulation this year and we are all just ready for it to just stop. Just a few of the things that have occurred is - finding yesterday that one of my dearest high school friends has been diagnosed with some weird type of lung cancer, one of my nephews this morning had to go to the hospital with a touch of baby pneumonia and this past week my Grandma was in the hospital due to a bug she picked up. I have heard all of the sayings - "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," "God doesn't give you more than you can handle," "when God closes a door, he opens a window," etc. but at this point, I just want to throw my hands up and say, "enough is enough already! I am stronger, I can't handle anymore and I am ready to jump out of said window...."
I think what makes all of this worse (or at least makes it seem worse) is feeling as if my conference from two weeks ago, feels as if it was a lifetime ago. From enjoying time with my friend, her family, and learning the things I did, it really was one of those "mountain top experiences" and it granted me the opportunity to see things about myself in a different perspective. The trouble with said "mountain top experience" is they can leave you extremely vulnerable to either falling or being pushed off the top of the mountain; only to get badly hurt/injured as you fall down the side of the mountain as you can't stop the momentum once it's been started. Because of what's occurred at work this past week, I feel as if I haven't yet come to a stop after being pushed by my boss off the mountain top and I haven't been able to ascertain what my injuries are yet...
Well, my dear readers, as I attempt to gather my muchness in preparation for whatever challenges I may face this week, I should probably bring this to a close. I know that I have at least two days of inspection this week, am short staffed due to a staff member calling out with her son being sick, dance class, a staff meeting, choir practice and all the while attempting to keep my sanity - we'll see how well all of that works... If it doesn't end up working, I would like my straight jacket to be fuchsia with sparkles on it. Thanks for joining me; sorry this was kind of a depressing post but I feel as if I needed to get this off my chest...
Sunday, August 14, 2016
Conference insights
My conference was a success and I made it back with little incident. I wrote last week about one of my ears getting clogged from travel - well I ended up with both ears plugged and while taking a decongestant has helps, my ears aren't completely unplugged yet. I hate being sick and I am definitely ready to stop having it sound as if I'm underwater.
While at the conference, I learned a lot about myself - about how I look at/go about solving problems, the dos/don'ts of communicating with me, how to view conversations with staff, and what some of my possible "blind spots" might be (things I need to know about myself but might not be able to see when I'm in the middle of those situations). Going back to work this week, I am hoping to remember some of the things I learned and apply them to the type of management style I inspire to embrace. I know that I still have a lot to learn and am glad that the instructor said that she would like to keep in touch with me and one of fellow participants in the class asked if he could mentor me - which I agreed to.
I do feel a little bit refreshed after being away from work for a week but it does make me a little stressed about heading into work tomorrow. Staff reached out to me via text/email while I was gone and it does make me wonder about some of the things that I might be walking into tomorrow. I know that it is what it is but it does make me a little concerned. Being away for a work conference I still feel compelled to check my work email several times a day, even though there is often nothing I can do from where I am.
One of the challenges from going to a work conference is finding the balance of the sharing of information when you go back to work. I have to remember that even though there is some information that I'm going to want to share or new things that I'd like to implement that the other staff members didn't attend the conference so I can't overwhelm them with too much too fast. I also need to find a way to let the staff know that yes, I gathered good information about myself and some of it I may not feel comfortable sharing with them and I think that's an okay thing. Some of the information that was included in the booklet I received from answering the pre-coursework questions was scarily accurate and they don't necessarily need to be privy to that information.
Not only did I learn things about myself at this conference but I learned some tools that I am hoping will help make me a better manager. In the two-day course I was in, we learned the importance of looking at staff at where they are in regards to each particular task - for example, they might be an "expert" when it comes to planning activities for teens but a "beginner" when it comes to planning activities for preschoolers - and they can't be seen as overall "experts" or "beginners." Managers, and people in general, tend to look at staff as being overall "experts" or "beginners" and that not only leaves the manager frustrated but it also frustrates the staff. I know that I have a bad habit of doing this more often than I should with my staff and I have felt on more than one occasion that my boss does it to me as well (think of it as also saying someone is an "A" student in everything because they usually get "A's;" okay, just because someone usually gets "A's" in English doesn't automatically grant them all "A's" in Political Science).
I also enjoyed spending time with my friend's family members. Even though I went into the interactions with trepidation, I found myself enjoying meeting them. In saying good-byes to both of them, they both told me that if I'm ever in the area again, I am supposed to look them up and I have a place to stay with them. I was touched that after meeting them for such a short time that not only did they welcome me into their homes but the fact that they invited me back if I'm there again. It was also wonderful to spend time with my friend again and it's sad that we probably won't see one another (unless something comes up) for another year.
Well my dear readers, I should probably bring this to a close so I can make sure I have everything together for going back to work tomorrow. I should probably also take some more medication in the hopes my ears will completely unplug one of these days and I'll stop feeling as if I'm under water. Thank you for joining me along my journey. I hope you have the opportunity to embrace something as your own this upcoming week. =)
While at the conference, I learned a lot about myself - about how I look at/go about solving problems, the dos/don'ts of communicating with me, how to view conversations with staff, and what some of my possible "blind spots" might be (things I need to know about myself but might not be able to see when I'm in the middle of those situations). Going back to work this week, I am hoping to remember some of the things I learned and apply them to the type of management style I inspire to embrace. I know that I still have a lot to learn and am glad that the instructor said that she would like to keep in touch with me and one of fellow participants in the class asked if he could mentor me - which I agreed to.
I do feel a little bit refreshed after being away from work for a week but it does make me a little stressed about heading into work tomorrow. Staff reached out to me via text/email while I was gone and it does make me wonder about some of the things that I might be walking into tomorrow. I know that it is what it is but it does make me a little concerned. Being away for a work conference I still feel compelled to check my work email several times a day, even though there is often nothing I can do from where I am.
One of the challenges from going to a work conference is finding the balance of the sharing of information when you go back to work. I have to remember that even though there is some information that I'm going to want to share or new things that I'd like to implement that the other staff members didn't attend the conference so I can't overwhelm them with too much too fast. I also need to find a way to let the staff know that yes, I gathered good information about myself and some of it I may not feel comfortable sharing with them and I think that's an okay thing. Some of the information that was included in the booklet I received from answering the pre-coursework questions was scarily accurate and they don't necessarily need to be privy to that information.
Not only did I learn things about myself at this conference but I learned some tools that I am hoping will help make me a better manager. In the two-day course I was in, we learned the importance of looking at staff at where they are in regards to each particular task - for example, they might be an "expert" when it comes to planning activities for teens but a "beginner" when it comes to planning activities for preschoolers - and they can't be seen as overall "experts" or "beginners." Managers, and people in general, tend to look at staff as being overall "experts" or "beginners" and that not only leaves the manager frustrated but it also frustrates the staff. I know that I have a bad habit of doing this more often than I should with my staff and I have felt on more than one occasion that my boss does it to me as well (think of it as also saying someone is an "A" student in everything because they usually get "A's;" okay, just because someone usually gets "A's" in English doesn't automatically grant them all "A's" in Political Science).
I also enjoyed spending time with my friend's family members. Even though I went into the interactions with trepidation, I found myself enjoying meeting them. In saying good-byes to both of them, they both told me that if I'm ever in the area again, I am supposed to look them up and I have a place to stay with them. I was touched that after meeting them for such a short time that not only did they welcome me into their homes but the fact that they invited me back if I'm there again. It was also wonderful to spend time with my friend again and it's sad that we probably won't see one another (unless something comes up) for another year.
Well my dear readers, I should probably bring this to a close so I can make sure I have everything together for going back to work tomorrow. I should probably also take some more medication in the hopes my ears will completely unplug one of these days and I'll stop feeling as if I'm under water. Thank you for joining me along my journey. I hope you have the opportunity to embrace something as your own this upcoming week. =)
Sunday, August 7, 2016
More introvert challenges
So I'm trying to figure out what time it is.... I am traveling for work this week and my body/brain are very confused with that is going on. I had to wake up VERY early my time (3 am) in order to get up, get ready and head to the airport. I had booked a taxi online which I thought was a good idea but it ended up being a HUGE mistake. When I made the booking, it didn't give me the opportunity to say where I needed to be dropped off and when the taxi arrived and saw my luggage, the taxi driver said that he wasn't an airport taxi and that he could get me close to the airport but couldn't drop me off at the terminal. He also said that he had been trying to call me and when I asked what number he called (since I didn't get a call), he got offended that I even asked the question. He ended up dropping me off down the street from the terminal (and this is at 4 am) and seemed to be annoyed that I didn't really tip. Normally I am a very good tipper but I didn't appreciate how he was speaking to me, nor did I appreciate having to walk down the dark street with my suitcase because he refused to drop me off at the airport.
Anyway, the rest of my travel day was pretty uneventful and I made it to the conference location (I even successfully rode the transit system in order to get from the airport to the hotel which I am pretty impressed about). I met up with a friend of mine and we went out to dinner with one of her family member's who lives here. I didn't necessarily want to go to the dinner (I just wanted to relax after my travel day) but she convinced me to go. Her uncle is a very nice gentleman, he paid for dinner and paid for our ride back from his place to the hotel (so I really can't complain).
After my day of travel, the noise of it all and one of my ears is plugged from traveling, I just need time to have thing stop moving and to be quiet. There is going to be a lot of hustle and bustle over the next few days at the conference (Monday - Thursday AM and then Thursday PM is travel back) and I know that I am going to end up completely on empty. My friend has made plans with family/friends almost every night we are here and she has told me that I'm basically going with. I know it will be good for me to support her in these endeavors but it does make me nervous. While I have been definitely looking forward to this conference and time with my friend (who I haven't seen in a year) but I'm still trying to wrap my head around spending all of this time "performing."
I know that I can be perceived as a contradiction since I am very much so an introvert who selectively does things that makes it seem as if I am an extrovert (i.e. belly dancing). When I'm dancing, I truly do enjoy it and I am able to radiate the way dancing makes me feel however it takes everything out of me to do so and I am left exhausted when it's all said and done. What I am starting to realize is I'm just going to have to learn to embrace this about myself since most people don't understand feeling this way - that I enjoy allowing my muchness to show and my freak flag to fly but I do these things for myself not necessarily for others.
Well, my dear readers, there is more that I could write about tonight but I do need to bring this to a close in order to get some sleep and get my head wrapped around this time change in order to attend the start of the conference in the morning. I hope you are able to let your freak flags fly and to show your muchness! =)
Anyway, the rest of my travel day was pretty uneventful and I made it to the conference location (I even successfully rode the transit system in order to get from the airport to the hotel which I am pretty impressed about). I met up with a friend of mine and we went out to dinner with one of her family member's who lives here. I didn't necessarily want to go to the dinner (I just wanted to relax after my travel day) but she convinced me to go. Her uncle is a very nice gentleman, he paid for dinner and paid for our ride back from his place to the hotel (so I really can't complain).
After my day of travel, the noise of it all and one of my ears is plugged from traveling, I just need time to have thing stop moving and to be quiet. There is going to be a lot of hustle and bustle over the next few days at the conference (Monday - Thursday AM and then Thursday PM is travel back) and I know that I am going to end up completely on empty. My friend has made plans with family/friends almost every night we are here and she has told me that I'm basically going with. I know it will be good for me to support her in these endeavors but it does make me nervous. While I have been definitely looking forward to this conference and time with my friend (who I haven't seen in a year) but I'm still trying to wrap my head around spending all of this time "performing."
I know that I can be perceived as a contradiction since I am very much so an introvert who selectively does things that makes it seem as if I am an extrovert (i.e. belly dancing). When I'm dancing, I truly do enjoy it and I am able to radiate the way dancing makes me feel however it takes everything out of me to do so and I am left exhausted when it's all said and done. What I am starting to realize is I'm just going to have to learn to embrace this about myself since most people don't understand feeling this way - that I enjoy allowing my muchness to show and my freak flag to fly but I do these things for myself not necessarily for others.
Well, my dear readers, there is more that I could write about tonight but I do need to bring this to a close in order to get some sleep and get my head wrapped around this time change in order to attend the start of the conference in the morning. I hope you are able to let your freak flags fly and to show your muchness! =)
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