Qualifications

While talking with my Mom on the phone today, she gave me a phrase that is going to be added to my arsenal of life mottos; "you are not qualified to run the universe, so stop trying!"  I have been taking on too much once again at work and am trying to do the work of more than one person.  Because of this, I have no time or energy left for myself to accomplish all of the work and mistakes are happening and I am not one that likes to make mistakes.  Since there is so much on my plate (both in and out of work) I haven't been able to give the amount of detail to each task that I would normally like and I've been kicking myself for that.  I definitely know that I'm not qualified to run the universe but I'm trying to control too much of the work universe and that's just not necessarily working out for me.

Things at work have felt very one-sided lately; where in a give and take situation, I'm the one doing all the giving and my staff are doing all the taking....  While I know that I am the boss and that sometimes happens, I do feel there is a time where I get to say enough is enough and I get to put my foot down.  I find it interesting that I don't mind at all (and laugh even) if a child tells me that they're going to "tell their mommy/daddy on me" but I then feel the need to walk on eggshells with my staff. 
I need to stop worrying so much about what they're going to think about me or say about me behind my back and just have them get the work done.  For whatever reason I am allowing my staff to run the building rather than me and I need to take that power back so I can get my own work done and stop taking back what I'm delegating to them.

There are times where I get caught up in being concerned with what people think about me rather than allowing me to be me.  There is a comic strip where there is a woman who is a mild mannered/timid housewife usually but she has an alter ego who is a jalapeno rattle snake chili eating biker babe who occasionally comes out.  I think I need to let my alter ego out to play more often - she is getting squelched down by the version of "me" that I think I need to be on a regular basis and it's making me miserable.  Mom was joking with me today that maybe I need to watch the movie Sybil and find the right side of my personality for the situation that I find myself in at any given time - that, or if someone wants the "nice" side of me, "oh, so sorry.... she's not available right now, you have to deal with me...."  I think, if nothing else, it might help make the work day more interesting.

With tomorrow being leap-day, I'm hoping for something magical/mysterious to happen.  I'm not necessarily sure why I'm hoping that this day is going to hold some mystical powers but it's a day that only comes around every four years, so why not?  If nothing else, knowing that tomorrow is leap day, I'm hoping that it gives me a positive start to what it seems is going to be an overwhelming week.  I'm supposed to start tomorrow with a meeting with the boss to go over "stuff;" Tuesday I have another meeting and an interview to potentially promote a staff member; Wednesday I get to attend a division manager meeting for my boss; Thursday I think I have a conference call; and Friday I have to stay late to teach a class after work. On top of all of the work pressure, I have dance Monday/Wednesday/Saturday and then choir on Thursday.  I'm hoping at some point in the week to take some time for me but I'm not sure when that's going to be able to occur...

All of that said, I think I'm going to bring this to a close for tonight and read a little bit before going to bed.  I have a new book that I at least want to start looking at before falling asleep so we'll see how that goes.  I also want to give some thoughts to my qualifications/personalities before the start of this week; even though I know I don't need to have all the answers tonight.  I wish you a muchness filled week and that you have (or make) opportunities to let you shine!  Thanks for joining me!  =)

Personal Style

For some time now I have been giving serious consideration to my personal style.  I know that I've been called eccentric, "brave," crazy, etc. for some of my clothing/accessory/style choices and I am becoming more okay with those things.  The only one that I'm not necessarily okay with is being told that I'm "brave" for my style choices - brave is running into a burning building to rescue someone (thanks for that, Mom), I'm not "brave" for cutting my hair short/wild or wearing colorful clothing that makes me feel good.  I was flipping through a book about style today and came across the saying,   "We must dress for the everyday theatre that is our lives" and I want to embrace that statement.

I know that there are times/places where I need to tone things down a little bit (if I'm attending a meeting with the big bosses, I should probably attempt to dress a little more conservatively) but I think other than that, I should express myself.  I have learned about myself lately that I really love things that are asymmetrical.  When I was talking to my Mom today, she suggested that since I love things that are asymmetrical, I should try wearing one of my long/crazy earrings and a normal earring on the other ear.  I had never thought about trying that so I think I'm going to!  I was very excited to also find a pair of shoes where the two of them are asymmetrical - they have different designs on each shoe but the designs go together (if you ever saw "Magic School Bus," these shoes remind me of something that Miss Frizzle would wear).  I'm definitely excited to get them and wear them to work!

When also thinking about some of the things I'm drawn to when it comes to style (in addition to things that are asymmetrical), I'm drawn to clothing items/accessories that are "rockabilly" and things that are "bohemian."  While I do enjoy wearing lots of black, I also do enjoy bold colors with interesting patterns and items with interesting lines.  That combination may be overwhelming to some but it does speak to me.  I'm not sure if that is a contradiction to being an introvert but it's me.

I am hoping that some of this confidence I'm feeling with my sense of personal style can spill into work.  I have been feeling pushed around a little bit by a few people in particular at work and I'm not sure why I'm allowing them to do so.  I'm the director/manager of the building and I have staff who have been approaching me and saying, "I need you to do....." or "You have to do...."  For the most part, I feel as if the only ones who should be able to talk to me that way are people who are above my pay grade.  I know that I'm letting them do it rather than putting my foot down but I'm not sure why they're feeling entitled and that's something that I feel as if I need to get to the bottom of if I'm going to put an end to it.  Situations like this are always difficult to turn around especially without attitudes/emotions taking over.

Even though this last week at work was a four day work week for me (yay for having last Monday off!), I worked almost 50 hours in those four days and I don't think I got everything accomplished that I needed to in those four days.  I have a new management book on order that I'm looking forward to receiving this week.  I hoping that one of these days something will click and I will be able to feel more confident and comfortable in my job.  I'm not sure when it's going to happen, I'm just hopeful that it actually will happen.

I am proud of myself for what I said at the dance studio yesterday.  In the middle of class, someone decided to get out their bottle of essential oils during a break and started putting it on themselves and the other people at the studio.  I thankfully stopped her before she just put it on me (without even asking) and the other students tried to get me to smell their wrists/necks.  Whatever was in it, didn't effect me in a good way and I said something - why would you bring a bottle of essential oils into a small space with poor ventilation where people are active/sweating when you don't know who might be allergic to what.  I immediately had difficulty breathing and got a little dizzy.  The person told me that I should have been fine since it was "all natural" and I said that my reaction was a natural one for someone with allergies.  I thought it was ridiculous and hopefully by me saying something it will at least spark a conversation about the dance studio being a scent free space.

Well my dear readers, I'm going to bring this to a close for tonight, put together my "me" work outfit for tomorrow and think about heading to bed.  I've had some bouts of insomnia this past week so I'm hoping that I'll be able to get some sleep tonight.  I hope you have opportunities this upcoming week to embrace your own personal style and muchness and I thank you for joining me along my journey.  =)

Moving past the screw up

The ordeal with my car is finally over and my "baby" is safe and sound back in my driveway where it belongs.  The person who was assigned to be my point of contact at the shop (the lady who didn't want me to be mad at her) called me on Tuesday this past week to let me know the needed parts arrived, the repairs on my car were complete and my car was ready and waiting for me.  When I reminded her that I would not be picking up my car until the weekend she seemed flabbergasted and said "but it's ready and waiting for you and it's going to be sad..." Really?  It's a car.  It doesn't acre if it has to sit on the back lot for a few days until I can pick it up...  Oh, well.  As I said, the ordeal is over and I (hopefully) don't have to take the car back for another year.

I heard something this past week on TV that has stayed with me.  I couldn't tell you what show it was on, why it was said or the context but I remember what was said: "it's not about the screw up, it's about the recovery."  While that's easier said than done, it's something that I know I need to work on; if nothing else for my own mental well being...  I am one that not only dwells on the screw up, I beat myself up over it, will over analyze it, beat myself up more over it, have difficulty forgiving myself for the screw up and then tend to have another screw up (or two or three) because I'm focusing on said screw up.  Since I'm hyper-focused on the screw up itself, I have trouble moving on to the stage of recovery and even moving past the screw up; because I'm a perfectionist, this can make things more difficult.  It's exhausting trying to be perfect all the time; not perfect in the eyes of others but trying to meet my own standards for myself...

This struggle of balance is particularly difficult this time of year.  Valentine's Day has definitely become a consumeristic holiday and stores and commercials have become inundated with hearts, Cupid, romance, engagement announcements, etc. and that can be difficult for those of us who are single.  Granted, I don't necessarily know what I would do with a significant other currently since I am a workaholic (and then have dance/choir as extracurriculars) and am never home but occasionally it would be nice to have someone to come home to.  I have my two little dogs who (for the most part) love me unconditionally and will snuggle with me on the couch but they refuse to cook me dinner, do the dishes or help pick up the apartment.  Maybe one of these days I'll have someone to help with those things and who will care about me but this is not that year.

Even when I did have a significant other I didn't like to put a lot of emphasis on Valentine's Day.  Why only take one day out of the year to tell the person in your life that you love them?  I know that some people have difficulty expressing themselves and how they feel (my wasband was one of those individuals) so for them having one day out of the year is a focus point for them.  I know relationships such as this are possible because I have seen examples of them in my life - my parents and both sets of grandparents just to name a few.  They didn't need one particular day out of the year in order to express themselves but they did it all the time.  The examples I have in my life might be one of the reasons I have such high expectations when it comes to what a relationship should be and that's definitely not a bad thing...

I decided that it's a good thing I didn't have thought bubbles appear out of my head for everyone to see my thoughts today while I was in church.  The sermon was based on the temptations in the desert and the pastor was talking about turning rocks into bread.  After she made the statement, she paused, and for some reason the thought that popped into my head was "rocks turning into bread; what a stupid super power that would be..."  Maybe that just means I've been watching too many superhero movies as of late.

Tomorrow I get to enjoy a day off of work and while it will be nice to have the break, that means I have to cram five days worth of work into four.  Even though that is the case, I'm going to try very hard to leave work at work and not stress about it while I'm at home.  While I know that will be way easier said than done, I am going to attempt it.  As I work on moving past screw ups and not overly stressing on things I am going to enjoy as much muchness as I can and I hope you're able to do the same!  Thank you for joining me, my dear readers!  =)

Standing up for me...

This past week was an interestingly long one but yesterday was the proverbial cherry on top...  Yesterday I had to take my car about 80 miles away to take my car to the dealership for service.  When I got there, they told me that the estimate for the day was about $70 more than what I was quoted over the phone.  After I waited for over an hour and a half (for routine one year maintenance), they told me that there was a problem that parts would need to be ordered for (luckily the repair is under warranty).  I told my "service specialist" that I was extremely frustrated both with the cost and having to leave my car there and her response (more than once) was "don't be mad at me..."  I told her more than once that I was frustrated and she just kept bringing it back to "don't be mad at me."  They gave me a loaner car for the week and that was another process - I drive a smart car and they tried to give me an SUV as the loaner.  I ended up convincing them to give me a smart car loaner but am still frustrated that I will have to go back next weekend in order to pick up my car (they tried to get me to pick it up during the week but I can't make that drive during the work week - something they also had difficulty understanding).

One of the plus sides of this week is I pointed out something about myself as an introvert to a small group of people who work elsewhere in the organization I work for.  The four of us are facilitators for a training and someone else was re-certifying us for this particular training (so there were a total of 5 of us).  One of the new pieces to this particular training is a version of Jeopardy and we took time to practice leading it while the rest of us were participants (and we were encouraged to make common participant mistakes - buzzing in before the question was read, not answering in the form of a question, giving a wrong answer, etc.).  During the game, I didn't answer in the form of a question (on purpose) and the one leading it, turned to me, and said, "wrong."  After the game, we were asked to give feedback; the other participants said that the leader did a good job but I disagreed.  The feedback I gave was, as an introvert and a perfectionist, I would have been done in her class - I put myself out there to answer a question and was told I was wrong without any other explanation - this game is right after lunch day one of two and I would have been done participating.  The master facilitator said that she valued my feedback but the person I told it to just rolled her eyes.  I was proud of myself for bringing it to light even if she doesn't do anything without that information.

Another time I said something in a situation that I normally wouldn't was at church today.  After the service, the pastor said she liked something I was wearing (I had on a really cool/long vest) and she said it looked like a "preaching robe" and she should get me up to preach one Sunday.  As I walked away, I said that she wouldn't like what I would have to say if she got me up to preach.  I know it was a little bit cowardly to say it as I walked away but at least I said it out loud.  Maybe one of these days I'll have the courage to say it (or something like it) to her directly and have the opportunity to point out what's been bothering me even though the thought of it scares me to death...

I have unfortunately been dealing with some insomnia this past week (what else is new for me) and I'm not sure if it's because my head is still all plugged up (I think I'm finally over being sick but now my allergies have flared up) or because I'm overly stressed but when I have slept, I have been dreaming about my grandpa.  He and I definitely had one of those unique relationships where we didn't always have to say much, we just enjoyed one another's company and just sitting next to one another was enough.  My Mom has told me that it's a miracle he didn't kill me when I was little because we were outside, I had the hose, he told me not to squirt him with it and I did...  My grandpa was one of those men who did woodcarving - he would "find/release" faces of old men in the wood and I could sit by him at the kitchen table and watch him for hours.  He unfortunately passed away from cancer in 2004 but there are times where I still feel his presence.  While I am glad that he's no longer suffering, I sometimes wish that I could just sit with him at the kitchen table again.

On that note, my dear readers, I'm going to bring this to a close for tonight and hope I'm able to get some sleep tonight.  Tomorrow the kids here have the day off of school so my building will be open for extended hours so that means a long day for me.  Luckily, next weekend is a three-day weekend which will be nice even though I have to go back to the car dealership on Saturday.  I hope you have a wonderful week ahead, filled with loved ones or memories of loved ones and that you're able to take some time for you.  =)