Another year

Wow... I can't believe I am entering year 3 of writing Gypsy's Quest. While I know that I am making progress, there are days, like today where I personally feel as if I've had some pretty major setbacks. I mean, I guess if I didn't have the setbacks, I wouldn't appreciate the progress I have made, however, some setback days are worse than others....

Over the last couple of days I have been thinking about some accounts that were joint accounts between me and the wasband. Of course, he didn't close them so today I attempted to close two of them. The first one would barely give me the time of day and will only deal with him (on the plus side, the account has been closed and I've been told that neither one of us has access to it anymore). The second phone call I made today was much more productive and they were able to close the account upon my request (since I was on the account) and they said that they would take care of everything. I guess there are times where I just don't expect people (other than family and some friends) to go out of their way to help me out.

When I was dealing with some of these account issues, I ended up having to look in my "divorce box" and I came across some personal correspondence written by the wasband. I am going to give myself credit for knowing that I couldn't deal with that particular folder today and I put it back in the box and put the "divorce box" back into the cabinet. While I may be able to go through that folder one of these days and re-read those letters/notes, today was definitely not that day...

After a nice long talk with Mom and Dad today, I took my first bubble bath in over three years. I had to get creative in making that happen (since my bathtub has a catch on the drain but no stopper) but I was able to make it work (Yay! See, I'm already using one of my new mantras! Confused? See last weeks post...) Granted, I didn't get to stay in the tub for as long as I wanted to (silly dogs) but it is an indulgence that is relatively inexpensive (bubble bath is pretty cheap) and something that I will have to do again in the near future.

This goes back to recognizing that every so often I do have to take care of myself in order to be able to continue to take care of the needs of those around me. While I don't always think to make myself a priority, I know that I do need to try and make that happen or I am going to completely burn out mentally, emotionally and even physically. I am already nursing a sore ankle and I know that if I don't care of that, it's going to get worse, and then I won't be able to dance - - one of the main things I do to help keep myself active/happy/sane/etc.

Well, since I have a very busy/stressful week ahead of me at work (we are getting ready to complete a major upgrade of a website we use on a daily basis where we have to switch a lot of information over) and in dance (we have a big performance this coming Saturday - - parade in the AM and a performance at the county fair right after it where I will be performing my sword solo), I should probably bring this to a close and relax a little before bed.

Thank you for joining me as Year Two of Gypsy's Quest ends and I am looking forward to where Year Three may lead me on my quest and where it may lead you, my dear readers. =)

Mantras....

One of my newest mantras is going to become "make it work," I think. In my opinion, I can use this in several aspects of my life - I can use it at work, in dance, in my writing, etc. There are times where making it work is the only option you have. I am not the type that gives up easily (as I'm sure you have determined from some of my other writings) so sometimes the only alternative is to find a way to make it work with what you are given. Granted, it may not always be the most desirable thing to make things work with what you have at your disposal and you may wish you had something different; however, wishing will only get you so far...

Another mantra that I need to learn to apply to my life is, "don't help." Let me explain... I had a dance performance tonight and I stumbled over a floor mat, hurting an ankle that I have already injured. Of course, the show must go on so I continued to dance. I know, I know - - stupid decision on my part. Anyway, after we managed to get to my instructor's house after the show, my instructor's husband rubbed my ankle for me. As he was manipulating my ankle to try and feel for an injury, he had to keep telling me, "Gypsy, don't help!" Unknowingly, I was attempting to move my ankle in anticipation of what he was trying to do. Once I stopped trying to help, the injury really did start to feel better.

For those of you who know me, being told to not help, usually makes me tense up or want to do something even more. Tonight, for whatever reason, when he told me, "don't help," I stopped trying to help. I don't know if it was his tone of voice, the way he was helping my ankle, or what, he actually put me at ease. All I can say is my dance instructor is a lucky woman having this man as her husband. =)

After we danced tonight, I had a couple of people come up to me and compliment me on my dancing. One of the people who approached me has been dancing for quite a long time and I consider her to be a fabulous dancer. When she came up to me, she told me that she LOVES my energy and LOVES to watch me dance. I told her that meant a lot to me coming from her. She then asked me how long I had been dancing and I told her that it will be two years this coming November - - she told me that she found that difficult to believe because I don't dance like I've only been dancing for two years. Other people told me that out of the three other dancers I was performing with tonight, they couldn't keep their eyes off of me. Even though my ankle was sore, those comments made me feel amazing!

Well, I know that I didn't write as much as I usually do tonight, but I should probably continue to take care of this ankle of mine and get ready for bed since the alarm is going to beep really early in the morning to wake me up for work. Have a great week everyone! =)

Easy

I have heard the word "easy" quite a bit recently... I have mainly heard it from someone telling me (in varying contexts), "but it's so easy for you..." Then I heard a song this past week with lyrics that really struck a chord with me in terms of finding things easy - - "they don't know how hard it is to make it look easy....."

Sure, things may look like they come easy to me but I work just as hard if not harder than those around me. When it comes to dance, I attend almost every class, every performance, and I work at home. With work, I do whatever needs to be done (if it's in my job description or not) and I often bring work home with me so I know that it's getting done. So, for dance and work, I may make things seem like they're easy for me but I do work hard at both to make them look easy.

Another aspect of my life where people have pointed out that it's easy for me is in terms of how far I've come in terms of the wasband. I'll be honest, this whole journey has not been easy but I've become a stronger person because it wasn't easy for me. There are times I put on a brave face and maybe that makes it look easier than it has been. Yes, there are times where I allow myself to break down and be truly vulnerable but those are the times that aren't necessarily easy for me. I struggle with myself internally when I have break down moments even though I know that it's healthy to allow those emotions out. See, I really am a complex individual. =) (if you've been a follower of mine, you know that I'm a more complex individual that even I may be willing to admit at this point)

As I've been sitting here thinking about it, one of the things I wish that I did find easier is allowing the "real me" to be seen by those around me. Because of what I've been through, I know that I do find it more difficult to allow the real me out of the armor plate covered box that it's hiding in. Yes, there are times where I am able to show glimpse of her to others but I'm quick to hide her away again in fear of getting hurt again. I know that in order to let someone ever to be close to me again I will have to learn how to pull those layers away and be vulnerable. This is something that I will just have to continue to work on until it does become easier for me.

Sometimes I think I just need to take a step back from the things that do come easy for me and focus on building those skills that don't come without somewhat of a struggle. I know that because of some of the uphill battles I've faced (especially in the last 2.5 years or so) there are times where I throw my hands up and just stick with the things where I don't necessarily have to work as hard (or at least make it look like I don't have to work as hard - - like belly dancing for example). One of the things that I know that I do need to make more effortless is allowing people to see the real me and that is the one thing that I think I struggle with the most.

Another think that I know I need to work on is feeling confident in telling people "thank you for sharing but I'm not going to allow what your opinion is pull me down." When I hear comments from certain people I tend to almost allow their opinions define me and make me doubt the progress that I have made. I guess another thing for me to work on during my quest is to not doubt myself.

Well, I have a lot to work on in the upcoming week and the weeks ahead. Wish me luck!

Writer's Block

Have you ever been so tired/worn out that nothing you say seems to make sense? I have started/restarted this post so many times today because I have been stretch to the breaking point this past week. I have put in approximately 10 hours of over time at work this past week and this upcoming week has at least 2 hours of over time in store for me if not more. Granted, the money will definitely be nice but it does add to me being tired (therefore assisting in the writer's block today I'm sure).

Another thing that is adding to the exhaustion of the past week has been belly dancing. We had a big show last night approximately 2.5 hours away. We had rehearsal Monday night, choreography drills on Tuesday night (which I couldn't make because I had a dentist appointment), rehearsal Wednesday night, and rehearsal yesterday morning before getting ready for the show. After rehearsal yesterday, I ran home to play with the dogs a little bit (since I haven't really been home this past week) and pack my dance bag. Once my dance bag was packed up, I headed over to my instructor's house; we piled into her van and made the trek to the show.

Once we made it to the location, we had time to watch some of the other performers, shop at the dance booths, drool over things that were fabulous but we too expensive and then get read for the performance. We wore new costumes yesterday (my troupe actually hired Mom to make the leotards that we wore for this performance and for several upcoming performances) and we got lots of compliments from how we looked. =)

We also got a lot of compliments after our performance. People said that our moves were very different from the other troupes that had performed, our choreography was clean/together, and we had joy radiating off of the stage. As a performer, that is something that I really like to hear. We worked really hard and for people to truly enjoy our performance was a good thing.

Since we didn't go onstage until just before eight o'clock at night and went out to dinner as a group after we had taken group photos, I didn't get home until 1:30 AM. When I got home, I had to take a shower to wash off all of the glitter and make-up (getting at the shower at 1:30 AM was definitely a slightly odd thing to be doing). Then, since I hadn't really been at home all day (all week really), of course the dogs wanted to play. I was still full of adrenaline from performing so I was up until about 3 AM. I didn't wake up until between 10:30 - 11 this morning.

Last night was the first night in a long time that I didn't toss and turn or wake up several times throughout the night. I slept like I was dead last night. When the dogs woke me up this morning, I was slightly disoriented (most likely because who knows the last time I slept that good) and have felt like I needed a nap all day. I haven't given into the temptation of taking a nap because I know that I need to go to bed at a decent time so I can get out of bed to go to work in the morning.

I also know that I do have a busy week ahead. We are going to be starting to work on some new choreography at the studio, I have a staff meeting, I need to start working with my sword again because I will dancing a solo again in less than a month, and who knows what else this week has in store for me. =)

Apparently I have overcome some of my writer's block. Hopefully I have said something instead of just rambling. Oh, well. If I have rambled, I apologize and I will try to do better next week.... =)