I had someone tell me yesterday that it looks to them like I'm losing my sparkle. Their statement didn't necessarily surprise me (I've been putting in a LOT of hours at work) but who it came from did -- it came from the person who was cutting my hair. Now the thing you should know about me is I don't go to a fancy salon, I go to a salon chain to have my hair cut. I have short hair so I go about once a month but I don't always have the same person cut my hair. I don't remember if she cut my hair the last time I went or the time before but the fact that she remembered me (and it's a busy salon) and to say that in her opinion some of my sparkle is gone did concern me a little. Maybe part of what concerns me about it is that the people I see on a regular basis haven't said anything about it and she did.
Even though I've been working so many extra hours at work, on Friday, I started to add a new workout routine into my already crazy/busy routine. I've decided to do this because I haven't been happy with how my clothes have been fitting and I've been less happy than usual with the reflection I see in the mirror. Those of you who have been following me for awhile know that I don't have the best track record when it comes to having a positive self body image but I want to see about changing that some. Maybe by working on the outward appearance I will find some of my sparkle again. I know it's there somewhere...
I think one of the other things that will help me find that sparkle again is to find opportunities (or take opportunities) to let my freak flag fly. There have been instances where I could have let my freak flag fly but for one reason or another I stopped myself. For a period of time, I was seizing every opportunity to let it fly with both hands but for some reason I have found myself shying away from allowing myself to really be me. Yes, there are times where I question who I really am but I'm working on that. I do know that if I don't let my freak flag fly though I'll never be able to truly find that "me".
After getting my hair cut yesterday I decided to take myself to the movies. I haven't done it in awhile so I decided it was time. It was definitely fun to go and sit in the theatre, do some people watching beforehand and then sit back to enjoy the movie. It had been a busy day -- I got up early to work out, went and taught my belly dance class, got a haircut, went to the movies and then came home and took a nap. I felt like I had more than deserved that little nap after all the hours of work and I think I might have to make it a point to have one every weekend. =)
This coming week at work I will be attending an 8-hr a day training every day. It's going to be an interesting week. After the training, I will be heading back to work to close down the building and then to do all of the "extra curricular" activities that I have. I also will need to fit the new workout videos into my routine. I think that will be an adventure in and of itself but we'll see...
Well my dear readers, I think I'm going to sign off for tonight. I'm going to get things ready for the busy week ahead and to maybe get some lunch items together so it's one less thing to do each morning. I hope we all have opportunities to let our freak flags fly this week! I know I'm going to make it a priority for myself!
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Armor vs. shackles
I just saw something on Facebook that has me thinking... There was an anonymous quote posted which reads: "Wear your tragedies as armor, not shackles." In certain aspects of my life, I know I'm doing the latter and I want to, no I'm going to, turn them into armor instead. I don't want those aspects to continue to weigh me down and keep me from becoming who I'm meant to be along my quest. I know that I'm not 100% sure who that person is yet but I'm working on becoming her all the time.
One of the ways I know that I'm throwing off the shackles of a tragedy is wrapping up paying off the last of the debt from my divorce. This past week, I even got a certificate from the company that consolidated my debt to tell me that my account balance is now zero. Looking back at the original amount of things, it impresses me that it's completely taken care of at this point and the fact that it's finally over. In the time it took me to pay it all off (longer actually than I've been writing Gypsy's Quest), I've learned quite a few things about myself...
I've learned that when push comes to shove, I'm going to face challenges (even ones that seem insurmountable) head on. When I face those challenges, even though it might be difficult and take time, I'm going to overcome them one way or another. Because of the amount of money that was being paid monthly, there were lots of times I went without things I wanted in order to have the funds to take care of business. I had to take care of that business because I got myself into that mess (and the wasband wasn't blameless in it, I was just assigned the bulk of it during the divorce proceedings - even though I definitely didn't see it as fair) and it was up to me to get myself out of said mess. There is a sense of accomplishment now that it's over and there is also a sense of pride that comes from knowing it's all finished.
I've learned that I work really well with having a goal in mind - even if it's a long term goal. While it was a big work in progress, I took it one payment/month at a time and was then able to accomplish my goal. I'm going to use this knowledge with a new challenge that has been set forth in front of me. My sister has invited me to join her in a weight loss/fitness challenge and I think it's good for me to have that motivation from her and a goal in mind. I've always seemed to do well when having that piece of accountability with another person and I'm ready to be accountable to her as well as to myself in order to reach my goal. I know that I'm never going to be a size 6 but I can work on having a more positive self image of myself and to lose some of the weight that I no longer want to carry. I will be sure to keep you posted along this other aspect of my journey.
I learned that I don't need someone else to necessarily rescue me. This dragon I was able to slay on my own. Yes, I had the support of others, but at the end of the day, I had to face the fire on my own. While there are times it does get exhausting to be so emotionally strong all of the time, it is very nice for me to know on this level that I can do it. I think my next challenge is going to be to know how/when to ask for help when I feel as if I can no longer do things on my own. I have thought in the past that asking for help is a sign of weakness; I have to get myself to the point that isn't necessarily the case. I have to realize for myself when I need some sort of assistance - even if it's just to have a pat on the back telling me that I can.
Well, my dear readers, I have actually given myself quite a bit to think about over the next week or so. When thinking about these things, I'm going to embrace those moments in which I can let my freak flag fly! I hope you can do the same!
One of the ways I know that I'm throwing off the shackles of a tragedy is wrapping up paying off the last of the debt from my divorce. This past week, I even got a certificate from the company that consolidated my debt to tell me that my account balance is now zero. Looking back at the original amount of things, it impresses me that it's completely taken care of at this point and the fact that it's finally over. In the time it took me to pay it all off (longer actually than I've been writing Gypsy's Quest), I've learned quite a few things about myself...
I've learned that when push comes to shove, I'm going to face challenges (even ones that seem insurmountable) head on. When I face those challenges, even though it might be difficult and take time, I'm going to overcome them one way or another. Because of the amount of money that was being paid monthly, there were lots of times I went without things I wanted in order to have the funds to take care of business. I had to take care of that business because I got myself into that mess (and the wasband wasn't blameless in it, I was just assigned the bulk of it during the divorce proceedings - even though I definitely didn't see it as fair) and it was up to me to get myself out of said mess. There is a sense of accomplishment now that it's over and there is also a sense of pride that comes from knowing it's all finished.
I've learned that I work really well with having a goal in mind - even if it's a long term goal. While it was a big work in progress, I took it one payment/month at a time and was then able to accomplish my goal. I'm going to use this knowledge with a new challenge that has been set forth in front of me. My sister has invited me to join her in a weight loss/fitness challenge and I think it's good for me to have that motivation from her and a goal in mind. I've always seemed to do well when having that piece of accountability with another person and I'm ready to be accountable to her as well as to myself in order to reach my goal. I know that I'm never going to be a size 6 but I can work on having a more positive self image of myself and to lose some of the weight that I no longer want to carry. I will be sure to keep you posted along this other aspect of my journey.
I learned that I don't need someone else to necessarily rescue me. This dragon I was able to slay on my own. Yes, I had the support of others, but at the end of the day, I had to face the fire on my own. While there are times it does get exhausting to be so emotionally strong all of the time, it is very nice for me to know on this level that I can do it. I think my next challenge is going to be to know how/when to ask for help when I feel as if I can no longer do things on my own. I have thought in the past that asking for help is a sign of weakness; I have to get myself to the point that isn't necessarily the case. I have to realize for myself when I need some sort of assistance - even if it's just to have a pat on the back telling me that I can.
Well, my dear readers, I have actually given myself quite a bit to think about over the next week or so. When thinking about these things, I'm going to embrace those moments in which I can let my freak flag fly! I hope you can do the same!
Sunday, September 15, 2013
interesting....
I thought I was going to do something yesterday that left me feeling accomplished but it has just left me feeling frustrated instead. Friday night, after an extremely long week at work, I noticed that one of my headlights was burned out. After looking up a tutorial online to see how to change it, I decided to try my hand at it. I was able to change out the bulb but as I was putting everything back together again, I dropped the retaining clip that holds the bulb itself in place. From what I've read online, other people have done the same thing only to find out that the clip cannot be replaced without replacing the whole headlight mechanism which is an expensive piece of equipment. I'm going to check around some for myself if I can get the clip but I'm not necessarily going to hold my breath for that to be a possibility... I know that I should be proud of myself for changing it out in the first place but I'm kicking myself for the stupidity of dropping it and not being able to find where it fell to.
Before the headlight debacle yesterday, I had the opportunity to be introduced as the "featured dancer" of a performance. Several weeks ago, I danced for a someone at her weekly show and she asked me if I could come back for yesterday's show. I didn't know that she was going to have me as the "featured dancer" until a couple of days before the show. When I got to the show yesterday, I found out there were only two other dancers so that intimidated me some. It also intimidated me some that the other two dancers were very traditional dancers where I am definitely more of a modern/fusion dancer. When my music started, all of those doubts went away and I just danced (I wish I would've smiled a bit more but it's a work in progress). I got compliments after the show that I did a fabulous job and that my hands were extremely expressive. I was glad to hear that because I often feel as if my dance weakness is my hands. Glad to know that my work on them has paid off.
This coming weekend I have the opportunity to dance for what I believe is a very worthy organization. The organization uses belly dance to teach self esteem and positive body image to high school girls. I really wish there would have been an organization such as this when I was in high school - not only for myself but others I knew as well. I'm not 100% sure how my life would have changed if this type of program would've been made available to me earlier in life but I know that it would have been different. I have struggled with having a very low self body image most of my life (yes, I have spurts where I like how I look but they tend to be few and far between) and know that there's a difference between having those around you tell you that you look good vs. believing it for yourself.
I have been working over the last few years to change how I see my body when I look in the mirror. I have gone on crazy diets, tried numerous different workouts, and done different combinations of the two. I don't know if I just haven't found the right combination for my body type or if I've stopped too soon but I'm back to seeing no results. I know that I've been putting lots of extra hours into work (both at the building and working from home) so I haven't had a lot of extra time for "me." I know I need to change that and make myself a priority. Or at least make myself more of a priority.
I had someone use a word with me this past week at work that is still bouncing around in my brain. I have been working between the two buildings at work and spending the bulk of my time at the other building. This particular person said to me that they felt I had "abandoned" them at the building (they work in the building that I'm not spending as much time in anymore) and that is the word that has stuck with me. That word of abandonment takes me back to how I felt when the wasband left. I felt 100% abandoned by him and I definitely didn't like that feeling (honestly, who would?). In the moment, I didn't confront the person and looking back, I wish that I would have. If the subject comes up again, I think I am going to say something and just ask them to please keep their opinions to themselves.
Well, my dear readers, there is more that I could write for this evening however, I do have some more work that I would like to accomplish before going to bed tonight. I hope you have a wonderful week and that you have opportunities to let your freak flags fly (something that I'm going to try and find opportunities to do and if they don't readily present themselves, to make those opportunities happen for myself).
Before the headlight debacle yesterday, I had the opportunity to be introduced as the "featured dancer" of a performance. Several weeks ago, I danced for a someone at her weekly show and she asked me if I could come back for yesterday's show. I didn't know that she was going to have me as the "featured dancer" until a couple of days before the show. When I got to the show yesterday, I found out there were only two other dancers so that intimidated me some. It also intimidated me some that the other two dancers were very traditional dancers where I am definitely more of a modern/fusion dancer. When my music started, all of those doubts went away and I just danced (I wish I would've smiled a bit more but it's a work in progress). I got compliments after the show that I did a fabulous job and that my hands were extremely expressive. I was glad to hear that because I often feel as if my dance weakness is my hands. Glad to know that my work on them has paid off.
This coming weekend I have the opportunity to dance for what I believe is a very worthy organization. The organization uses belly dance to teach self esteem and positive body image to high school girls. I really wish there would have been an organization such as this when I was in high school - not only for myself but others I knew as well. I'm not 100% sure how my life would have changed if this type of program would've been made available to me earlier in life but I know that it would have been different. I have struggled with having a very low self body image most of my life (yes, I have spurts where I like how I look but they tend to be few and far between) and know that there's a difference between having those around you tell you that you look good vs. believing it for yourself.
I have been working over the last few years to change how I see my body when I look in the mirror. I have gone on crazy diets, tried numerous different workouts, and done different combinations of the two. I don't know if I just haven't found the right combination for my body type or if I've stopped too soon but I'm back to seeing no results. I know that I've been putting lots of extra hours into work (both at the building and working from home) so I haven't had a lot of extra time for "me." I know I need to change that and make myself a priority. Or at least make myself more of a priority.
I had someone use a word with me this past week at work that is still bouncing around in my brain. I have been working between the two buildings at work and spending the bulk of my time at the other building. This particular person said to me that they felt I had "abandoned" them at the building (they work in the building that I'm not spending as much time in anymore) and that is the word that has stuck with me. That word of abandonment takes me back to how I felt when the wasband left. I felt 100% abandoned by him and I definitely didn't like that feeling (honestly, who would?). In the moment, I didn't confront the person and looking back, I wish that I would have. If the subject comes up again, I think I am going to say something and just ask them to please keep their opinions to themselves.
Well, my dear readers, there is more that I could write for this evening however, I do have some more work that I would like to accomplish before going to bed tonight. I hope you have a wonderful week and that you have opportunities to let your freak flags fly (something that I'm going to try and find opportunities to do and if they don't readily present themselves, to make those opportunities happen for myself).
Sunday, September 8, 2013
FREEDOM
Good evening, dear readers! Well, it has been the requisite two weeks since I told you I had some news to share with you so tonight is the night... The time has come that I can close one major chapter in the book of things that has happened since the divorce. When the wasband left, I had a huge financial decision to make -- file for bankruptcy or to enter credit counseling. After weighing the pros and cons of both, I made the decision for myself to enter credit counseling (looking back, I think some of my decision was based on my stubbornness but that's beside the point now). After years of having that monthly reminder taken from my checking account, I can proudly say that I have made my final payment! There were times I seriously questioned my decision and wondered if I should've just declared bankruptcy but I am proud of myself for seeing it through until the end. I know it's going to take some getting used to that this chapter is closed but it is a VERY good feeling!
I feel as if making this last payment truly signifies the end of all of my divorce mess/headaches. I have had no contact with the wasband for years (thankfully) but I have had this connection to him as long as these payments have still had to be paid. I know that I felt by having to enter credit counseling I was a failure (and that feeling runs true with being divorced as well) but I know it was a responsible thing for me to do. With this last payment, I feel as if I really am free. It's a good feeling.
One of the ways I've already planned on "rewarding" myself for this accomplishment is I'm going to order myself another belly dance sword. Yes, this new one will make sword #4 and I am totally okay with that. Mom showed me this particular sword when I was on vacation this summer and I've been dreaming of it since. When she showed it to me, she recommended that I wait to order it until I had made this last payment and look at it as if I'm slicing free from my past and look towards my future. I look forward to that.
I know that having all of this debt paid off and my new sword aren't going to "fix" me but I feel as if I can really start a new chapter of my life. I'm going to try and be responsible with having this 'extra' money every month and am going to put some money aside into a savings account for when those unexpected expenses come up (both good unexpected expenses and not so good unexpected expenses). Yes, it may take some self discipline because it'll be nice not to have to worry about that money automatically getting pulled out of my account each month but it will also be a real sense of relief.
Well, my dear readers, I think I'm going to sign off for the evening. I know that I have a long week ahead of me at work and I have a performance to prepare for this weekend (and one next weekend as well). I hope we all have opportunities to find/show our muchness this upcoming week. I know one of my biggest muchness moments comes from knowing I can close yet another section of my divorce.
{On another note, I have been so excited about paying off the last of my credit counseling bill that I forgot to thank you for being loyal readers for yet another year of Gypsy's Quest. Can you believe we've been together for 4 years?! Thank you for believing in me from day 1 and helping me along this journey! If you have joined us since then, thanks for joining me along my quest! THANK YOU all from the bottom of my heart! ~ Gypsy}
I feel as if making this last payment truly signifies the end of all of my divorce mess/headaches. I have had no contact with the wasband for years (thankfully) but I have had this connection to him as long as these payments have still had to be paid. I know that I felt by having to enter credit counseling I was a failure (and that feeling runs true with being divorced as well) but I know it was a responsible thing for me to do. With this last payment, I feel as if I really am free. It's a good feeling.
One of the ways I've already planned on "rewarding" myself for this accomplishment is I'm going to order myself another belly dance sword. Yes, this new one will make sword #4 and I am totally okay with that. Mom showed me this particular sword when I was on vacation this summer and I've been dreaming of it since. When she showed it to me, she recommended that I wait to order it until I had made this last payment and look at it as if I'm slicing free from my past and look towards my future. I look forward to that.
I know that having all of this debt paid off and my new sword aren't going to "fix" me but I feel as if I can really start a new chapter of my life. I'm going to try and be responsible with having this 'extra' money every month and am going to put some money aside into a savings account for when those unexpected expenses come up (both good unexpected expenses and not so good unexpected expenses). Yes, it may take some self discipline because it'll be nice not to have to worry about that money automatically getting pulled out of my account each month but it will also be a real sense of relief.
Well, my dear readers, I think I'm going to sign off for the evening. I know that I have a long week ahead of me at work and I have a performance to prepare for this weekend (and one next weekend as well). I hope we all have opportunities to find/show our muchness this upcoming week. I know one of my biggest muchness moments comes from knowing I can close yet another section of my divorce.
{On another note, I have been so excited about paying off the last of my credit counseling bill that I forgot to thank you for being loyal readers for yet another year of Gypsy's Quest. Can you believe we've been together for 4 years?! Thank you for believing in me from day 1 and helping me along this journey! If you have joined us since then, thanks for joining me along my quest! THANK YOU all from the bottom of my heart! ~ Gypsy}
Sunday, September 1, 2013
inspiration
Good evening, dear readers! I am very body tired as I write this but I have some things that I want to write to you about. In the last two days, we had three 30-minute dance performances and I danced my sword solo at each performance. After the second performance today, I had several different women approach me and tell me what an inspiration I was to them as I was dancing. One woman told me that even though there may have been other dancers who were skinnier than me that she thought I had much better control over my body than they did and that my movements were sexier than theirs. I had an older woman also approach me and she told me that I needed to promise her that I would never stop dancing because I made her feel so much joy as she watched me and I need to share that with others. Both of those women told me things that I needed to hear.
I was very tired after the first performance today and I retreated to the "safe" place in my head. I know that it's not always a good idea to go into your head alone or to believe all of the thoughts that float around in there but that's the place I went to. When the second performance of today started I was really hoping that I would have the energy to make it through all of the numbers. As we began to dance, the crowd went NUTS! Because I was having so much fun performing for and to the audience I forgot how tired I was and I just danced. It was exhilarating. Not that I remember much of it, but I know I did some new things during my sword solo and I hope that I can remember enough to use them in the next performance.
I know that I'm not 100% where I want to be with my dancing but I do acknowledge that I am learning more and am improving with each performance opportunity. I hope that some of the people we passed out "first class free" cards come to the studio and that more people can learn about this dance form that celebrates women (and men) of all shapes and sizes. Yes, there are times that I complain about my body shape/size but I am coming to terms with the fact that I will never be a size 2 and I don't think I'd want to be even if it were possible.
Well, my dear readers, there is more that I'd like to write about but I am unfortunately falling asleep at my keyboard. Thankfully I have tomorrow off of work and I am looking forward to sleeping in late. Before I head off to dreamland, I have a challenge for you -- think about what inspires you this week and try and do something that may inspire others! =)
I was very tired after the first performance today and I retreated to the "safe" place in my head. I know that it's not always a good idea to go into your head alone or to believe all of the thoughts that float around in there but that's the place I went to. When the second performance of today started I was really hoping that I would have the energy to make it through all of the numbers. As we began to dance, the crowd went NUTS! Because I was having so much fun performing for and to the audience I forgot how tired I was and I just danced. It was exhilarating. Not that I remember much of it, but I know I did some new things during my sword solo and I hope that I can remember enough to use them in the next performance.
I know that I'm not 100% where I want to be with my dancing but I do acknowledge that I am learning more and am improving with each performance opportunity. I hope that some of the people we passed out "first class free" cards come to the studio and that more people can learn about this dance form that celebrates women (and men) of all shapes and sizes. Yes, there are times that I complain about my body shape/size but I am coming to terms with the fact that I will never be a size 2 and I don't think I'd want to be even if it were possible.
Well, my dear readers, there is more that I'd like to write about but I am unfortunately falling asleep at my keyboard. Thankfully I have tomorrow off of work and I am looking forward to sleeping in late. Before I head off to dreamland, I have a challenge for you -- think about what inspires you this week and try and do something that may inspire others! =)
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