Working on me...

Tiresome.  Annoying.  Frustrating.  These are three words that pretty much sum up my week.  I didn't feel well most of the week and I ended up missing dance rehearsal on Monday night and took more than half of a day off of work (that definitely shocked me since I don't take time off of work when I'm sick).  Right before I left work on Tuesday, I called my boss to make sure she'd be okay with it and I told her that I needed to go home and die.  She told me not to go home and die but to go home and rest; I came home, took medicine and ended up dead to the world asleep for 4.5 - 5 hours and even woke up not really knowing where I was.  It was a struggle to get through the week but I was able to do it I just wasn't at my normal 100%.

For those of you who know me, I really don't like not being at my 100% (and I know that my 100% isn't the same as someone else's 100%) but I know rationally that I can't always be at that level without needing to cut myself slack at times.  That's not something that I usually tell myself but I'm realizing it more and more - I need to cut myself slack.  I need to tell myself that it's okay if I don't accomplish everything at the end of the day.  I need to tell myself that a job is still done even if it's not "perfect."  I need to tell myself that it's okay to delegate.  I need to tell myself that it's okay if I screw up - the world won't end if I make a mistake.  In general, I need to do a better job at giving myself pep talks rather than pointing out all of the negatives (even though in the past, it's been way easier to believe the negatives, I need to change that before I make myself crazy or make myself crazier than I already am....).

This upcoming week at work is going to be an interesting one since I will be out of the building for a day and a half of training.  I will be in the building Tuesday after training for about an hour to close the building and then Wednesday is supposed to be a half day training and a half day of work.  This has happened before but I put pressure on myself to get five days worth of work done in the three and a half I'll be in the building.  What I'll have to attempt is to just keep a running list of things to get done and be okay if I don't get everything done in a day that I set out to do - it will stay on the list and I will get it done when I can.  The training is mandatory so it takes priority over getting some of the other things done (or it's just an opportunity to work on my delegating skills).  

One of the things I'm working on telling myself, along with all of the other things, is that I matter.  If I'm sick, I'm entitled to time off just like everyone else.  If I need to get something accomplished, I get to close my door and get the task completed.  If I need to take a break, I get to walk away from work for a bit just like my staff gets to.  If I want to express myself with crazy hair/colors/accessories, I get to do just that.

That brings me to a conversation I had with someone while walking into church this morning.  She's the choir member who asked to read a couple of my postings and she had told me at choir practice on Thursday that she was going to smack me over what she read.  She didn't take the opportunity to smack me on Thursday since someone asked if I could give them a ride home after rehearsal so she smacked me today.  When I asked her why, she asked me why I haven't talked to anyone at church about feeling as if I don't belong - I turned it around to her and asked her why no one noticed.  We talked some about me being referred to as "hey you" on multiple occasions and the fact that no one from the church was really there from me after the divorce (I know that was a long time ago but the hurt feelings are still there).  We'll see if anything comes from it but at least the conversation was had.

I feel as if I've given myself some things to think about as well as some goals so I'm going to bring this to a close for this evening.  Since I've been sick, some night have been more restless than others but I'm hoping to get a good night's sleep tonight so I can get my to do list accomplished at work tomorrow - we'll see how that goes.  I hope you have a wonderful week, my dear readers, and thank you for joining me again!  =)

Respectfully Disagree

So I got caught...  The choir member who gave me the piece of paper last Sunday asked me during choir practice on Thursday what I was writing (because she correctly guessed I wasn't taking notes about the sermon).  I started to tell her about my blog and about what I wrote about last week.  When I told her about feeling like a fraud, it took a couple of times of me saying the word fraud and then she finally spelled it out (f-r-a-u-d) to make sure she heard me correctly.  When I said yes, that I had been feeling like a fraud, she responded that she respectfully disagreed with me.  Now I'm honestly okay with that because everyone is entitled to their own opinions (which I told her) and I also told her that I'm entitled to feel how I'm feeling regardless if she agreed or not.  She asked if I would be okay with her reading what I wrote and I took her a printed out copy of my post from last week today.  I took it to her this morning and I was touched because she had tucked extra paper in her choir folder specifically for me in case I needed it again.  We'll see if she has anything to say about my writing when I see her at choir practice this coming Thursday...

I do think it's interesting that this is the first time I've really talked about my blog with the individual in the church choir since she and I have sat next to one another almost the entire time I've been in the choir (I joined the choir in 2008 and have been writing my blog since 2009).  When she and I were talking about it, she asked if I would be bothered if she read what I wrote.  I told her that every Monday morning, my Grandma and I have breakfast together since she reads it every week (Good morning, Grandma!).  Although I don't necessarily go around and advertise that I write, I honestly don't mind who may come across and read what I write; because, once again, I think it's okay to respectfully disagree with people's opinions (the key is being respectful about it though).

How I've been feeling lately came up at the dance studio this past week and it did not sit well with my dance instructor.  We've been learning a new choreography for an upcoming performance in March and I'm definitely struggling with it.  It's not so much the moves I'm struggling with but the particular style of the dance.  It's a very flirtatious/girly dance and that's not my favorite style - I tend to lean more towards the dramatic.  When I told her that I've been struggling, she said that when we struggle it tends to be right before we have a breakthrough.  While I can see what she's trying to point out, I just don't know if that's what's going to happen in this particular instance.  It seemed to me as if she took what I said very personally and that's not how I meant it - I just wanted her to have an insight into how I was feeling.  She said that I would be bored if I quit dancing and I said that it might just be that I needed to take a break for awhile and then come back to it.  If I take any sort of a break it will be after this particular performance since we had to sign a contract saying we would only miss two rehearsals and they needed to be because of emergencies - I don't think because I want a break counts as an emergency...

Because of how I've been feeling lately, I'm wondering if I am in need of some sort of a drastic change.  I'm not sure what that drastic change will be but it might be what I need to push me in a different direction.  I know that changes don't necessarily have to be big ones but I'm thinking because of feeling "fraud-ish" it might have to be that drastic change to push me beyond that feeling.  I am going to give some careful consideration to what this drastic change will be so I don't add regret to how I'm feeling.

I'm sure that it doesn't help at all that I've been health wise under the weather yet again.  It's been raining and the temperature has been fluctuating so there is some fuzzy stuff growing outside (which I'm allergic to) and I'm not sure if I've ever fully gotten over what I had a few weeks ago when I went to the doctor.  Because I haven't been able to breathe out of my nose, sleep has been restless (even though you need more sleep when you're sick) and that has changed my temperament as well.  I've been drinking my orange juice today and taking some medication so I'm hoping that will push me over the hump.  Tomorrow, first thing, I get to head to get my yearly work physical so, depending on how I'm feeling, I might talk to the doctor to see if he thinks it's allergies or if I still have a cold/sinus infection hanging on.  It's one of those times where I'm hoping it's just allergies...

On that note, I'm going to bring this to a close for tonight so I can take some more sinus medication and hope to get some sleep tonight.  I hope you have a good week my dear readers and if you have to disagree with anyone, I hope you are able to respectfully disagree with them - remember, we're working on being kind.  Thank you again for joining me!  =)