dysfunctionally me

I just heard the phrase "dysfunctionally me" and I think that describes me perfectly.

I had one of the kids at work this week ask me why I was being cranky.  I didn't give them the actual reason (even though I wanted to) - I just told them that I was sleepy.  The actual reason is I'm sleepy because I'm not sleeping due to stress and working too many hours that has become my norm (this past work I put in approximately 72 hours of work this week - and I get paid for 40).  So I'm also cranky because I'm realizing I'm either being taken advantage of by my boss and that's why I'm working so many hours or I'm really, really bad at my job and I can't figure out how to accomplish everything in a 40 hour work week; or maybe it's a combination of the two...

There are times where I definitely question my sanity in not standing up for myself and saying "no" to anything beyond a 5 day/40 hour work week.  Like I said, last week, I worked approximately 72 hours over 6 days and heading into this week doesn't look to be much different (other than I may get out of working a few of those Saturday hours because we have a dance performance and I'll have to get ready and head out of town for it).  I am hoping to be granted some time off before the end of the year but that hasn't been signed off on yet.  One of my bargaining chips (which I thankfully discovered today) is I'm getting close to having "use or lose leave" and after all of the extras I have done for work, I am not willing to lose a single hour.

I know that I'm not sleeping because I can't find a way to turn my brain off at night and then when I do sleep, I've been having some weird trippy dreams.  It's strange; some of the best sleep I've had over the past couple of weeks have been the couple of naps I've taken on my couch while sitting straight up with my head flopped back on the back of the couch.  Yes, I wake up with a crick in my neck but I actually feel rested.  I'm sure that means that one of these days I probably need a new mattress but I hate mattress shopping...

I came across a song this past week and one of the lines from it has stuck in my head: "I'm tortured every day by these never-ending worries."  I don't know if I need to do a better job at writing down my to-do list before going to bed at night so I'm not thinking about it when I should be sleeping.  I don't know if that would help or not but it might be worth giving it a try in order to get some sleep at night.  I have a tendency to overthink the things I did during the day to analyze if I did a good enough job accomplishing them or not and then think about the things I didn't accomplish that I should have. There are times I think it would be fascinating to be see what's going on in my brain and there are other times that even the thought of that completely freaks me out...

Well my dear readers, I have given myself some things to think about and I should probably bring this to a close for the evening.  On the plus side, this past week, I had someone tell me that they love my personal style and they can't wait to see what I'm wearing - I thought that was pretty cool.  I hope you can find ways to embrace your own personal styles this week and if you are dysfunctional, be dysfunctionally you because I'll be dysfunctionally me.  Thanks for joining me!  =)

Blanket of Truth

This week has been an interesting combination of ups and downs for me.  I've have tried my best to keep things together when I've been at work (lots of hours at work) and at the dance studio but there have been things that have slipped through the cracks.  It probably hasn't helped that I have been having some unusual dreams that have kept me up at night so sleep has been somewhat elusive.  It also probably doesn't help that not only did I work long days this past week at work but I also worked all day yesterday for an outdoor family fun event (at work we had bounce houses, carnival games, a DJ, food, field games, etc. and I was there from 7:15 am - 3:45 pm).

I had forgotten to take care of something at work this last week and I blame it on working too many hours and having just to much on my mind.  Even though it's completely justifiable to forget something, that didn't keep me from beating myself up over it.  What I forgot wasn't even that big of a deal or something that was "make it or break it" but I don't like feeling as if I've messed up.  I am very critical of myself and even though it was a minor thing I forgot, it has stayed with me all week.  If it was anyone else, I would tell them to learn from it and move on but for whatever reason, I am unable to take my own advice.  I could stand myself in front of a mirror and give myself the advice I would give to someone else in my shoes, and I wouldn't be able to do it.

I have said before that for me the "bad stuff" is easier to believe and that remains true with this work situation as well.  I know that I have myself in a catch 22 because even though my screw up came from having too much on my work plate and working too many hours but because of the screw up, I feel the need to work more and harder in order to make up for it.  I don't entirely know why that seems to be hardwired into me but it is.  I have worked to come up with a system to keep track of my work "to do" list and I'm hoping that it keeps something like this from happening again.

One of the things that resonated with me this past week is one of the scenes from the movie Dead Poets Society.  I haven't watched the movie in forever but one scene came to my mind out of nowhere this week.  In the movie, Robin Williams is an English teacher at an all boys prep school and he has a group in his class who are rebels.  In the particular scene that has come to mind this week, one of the boys who wants to rebel but also wants to hide in the shadows must write his own poem and recite it in front of the class - he doesn't complete the assignment and Robin Williams' (John Keating) character pulls him in front of the class and starts pushing him (quote from IMDB.com):

John Keating: Close your eyes, close your eyes! Close 'em! Now, describe what you see.
Todd Anderson: Uh, I-I close my eyes. 
John Keating: Yes. 
Todd Anderson: Uh, and this image floats beside me. 
John Keating: A sweaty-toothed madman. 
Todd Anderson: A sweaty-toothed madman with a stare that pounds my brain. 
John Keating: Oh, that's *excellent*! Now, give him action - make him do something! 
Todd Anderson: H-His hands reach out and choke me. 
John Keating: That's it! Wonderful, wonderful! 
Todd Anderson: And all the time he's mumbling. 
John Keating: What's he mumbling? 
Todd Anderson: Mumbling truth. 
John Keating: Yeah, yes. 
Todd Anderson: Truth like-like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold. 
John Keating: [some of the class start to laugh] Forget them, forget them! Stay with the blanket. Tell me about that blanket! 
Todd Anderson: Y-Y-You push it, stretch it, it'll never be enough. You kick at it, beat it, it'll never cover any of us. From the moment we enter crying t-to the moment we leave dying, it'll just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream. 
[long pause then class applauds]
John Keating: Don't you forget this.

I can relate to that feeling of not being enough.  Maybe that's one of the reasons that I push myself so hard and why I feel the need to work so many hours each week.  Who knows - maybe I'm just trying to come up with some sort of an explanation so I don't feel as if I'm a complete and total nut job...  Or is this realization my particular blanket of truth?

Well my dear readers, I should probably sign off for tonight so I can at least get myself ready for my day tomorrow - I have a long work day which will lead directly into practice at the dance studio.  My plan for tonight is to get my work/dance clothes ready along with putting a lunch together for myself. I hope you were able to rest up this weekend for whatever adventures that await you this week!  =)