Blanket of Truth

This week has been an interesting combination of ups and downs for me.  I've have tried my best to keep things together when I've been at work (lots of hours at work) and at the dance studio but there have been things that have slipped through the cracks.  It probably hasn't helped that I have been having some unusual dreams that have kept me up at night so sleep has been somewhat elusive.  It also probably doesn't help that not only did I work long days this past week at work but I also worked all day yesterday for an outdoor family fun event (at work we had bounce houses, carnival games, a DJ, food, field games, etc. and I was there from 7:15 am - 3:45 pm).

I had forgotten to take care of something at work this last week and I blame it on working too many hours and having just to much on my mind.  Even though it's completely justifiable to forget something, that didn't keep me from beating myself up over it.  What I forgot wasn't even that big of a deal or something that was "make it or break it" but I don't like feeling as if I've messed up.  I am very critical of myself and even though it was a minor thing I forgot, it has stayed with me all week.  If it was anyone else, I would tell them to learn from it and move on but for whatever reason, I am unable to take my own advice.  I could stand myself in front of a mirror and give myself the advice I would give to someone else in my shoes, and I wouldn't be able to do it.

I have said before that for me the "bad stuff" is easier to believe and that remains true with this work situation as well.  I know that I have myself in a catch 22 because even though my screw up came from having too much on my work plate and working too many hours but because of the screw up, I feel the need to work more and harder in order to make up for it.  I don't entirely know why that seems to be hardwired into me but it is.  I have worked to come up with a system to keep track of my work "to do" list and I'm hoping that it keeps something like this from happening again.

One of the things that resonated with me this past week is one of the scenes from the movie Dead Poets Society.  I haven't watched the movie in forever but one scene came to my mind out of nowhere this week.  In the movie, Robin Williams is an English teacher at an all boys prep school and he has a group in his class who are rebels.  In the particular scene that has come to mind this week, one of the boys who wants to rebel but also wants to hide in the shadows must write his own poem and recite it in front of the class - he doesn't complete the assignment and Robin Williams' (John Keating) character pulls him in front of the class and starts pushing him (quote from IMDB.com):

John Keating: Close your eyes, close your eyes! Close 'em! Now, describe what you see.
Todd Anderson: Uh, I-I close my eyes. 
John Keating: Yes. 
Todd Anderson: Uh, and this image floats beside me. 
John Keating: A sweaty-toothed madman. 
Todd Anderson: A sweaty-toothed madman with a stare that pounds my brain. 
John Keating: Oh, that's *excellent*! Now, give him action - make him do something! 
Todd Anderson: H-His hands reach out and choke me. 
John Keating: That's it! Wonderful, wonderful! 
Todd Anderson: And all the time he's mumbling. 
John Keating: What's he mumbling? 
Todd Anderson: Mumbling truth. 
John Keating: Yeah, yes. 
Todd Anderson: Truth like-like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold. 
John Keating: [some of the class start to laugh] Forget them, forget them! Stay with the blanket. Tell me about that blanket! 
Todd Anderson: Y-Y-You push it, stretch it, it'll never be enough. You kick at it, beat it, it'll never cover any of us. From the moment we enter crying t-to the moment we leave dying, it'll just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream. 
[long pause then class applauds]
John Keating: Don't you forget this.

I can relate to that feeling of not being enough.  Maybe that's one of the reasons that I push myself so hard and why I feel the need to work so many hours each week.  Who knows - maybe I'm just trying to come up with some sort of an explanation so I don't feel as if I'm a complete and total nut job...  Or is this realization my particular blanket of truth?

Well my dear readers, I should probably sign off for tonight so I can at least get myself ready for my day tomorrow - I have a long work day which will lead directly into practice at the dance studio.  My plan for tonight is to get my work/dance clothes ready along with putting a lunch together for myself. I hope you were able to rest up this weekend for whatever adventures that await you this week!  =)