we made it

Let me begin by saying that it has been an extremely long week and I want to apologize for not completing the final post letting my dear readers know that my brother, the dogs, Sheldon the road trip god and myself made it safely (and only slightly worse for wear) to our destination.

Speaking of Sheldon, I know that my photo of him didn't come through when I posted it initially so I am going to attempt to post it again since tonight I am writing on my computer and not on my phone. This is Sheldon who was our road trip god and mascot for the trek cross country this past week:

I would say that Sheldon did a good job at fulfilling his duty as both mascot of this trip as well as road trip god.  We made it cross country mostly unscathed; the truck remained packed how I had it (only minor shifting), my car made it intact and the dogs, my brother and I, although extremely tired, we made it back.

More later.  Falling asleep...

moving cont.

Day 2:

• Very long day in the car.
• Dog not feeling well.
• Navigator (me) screwed up....
• Going to bed in the hopes sleep doesn't evade me again.   :(

moving adventures...

So it's been an extremely LONG day but here are some of the highlights:

• My brother's flight was delayed so I picked him up at midnight; had to drive two hours back to my place to pick up the truck and hit the road.
• We went to find a parking lot with lights to load the car on the auto transport and because it was cold the truck had more exhaust - my brother got pulled over by a cop but he was just making sure everything was okay.
• We got the trailer loaded and hit the road officially around 2 am.
• Made it from Monterey, CA to Flagstaff, AZ today and have stopped for sleep - we are both hoping to get some good sleep after going for the last several days on very little sleep....
• Hitting the road early in the AM - wish us luck.....

This is Sheldon the Sea Otter, road trip god and (hopefully) guardian of our travel....  he has his work cut out for him....

and so it begins.....

This post will be VERY short tonight as the adventures of moving hits the road tomorrow...  There have been several snafus already: POD couldn't be delivered; now using UHAUL and an auto transport to haul my car; got the auto transport stuck in the driveway yesterday - took 6 people to come up with a game plan on how to move it and put us behind 2 hours of loading the truck; did more loading today myself; hit the road tomorrow night when my brother flies in.....

Long story short - it may take a miracle to survive this move.....  I will be posting about our (mine, my brother's and the two little dogs) adventures along this journey throughout the week so be sure to check back.  Prayers would be greatly appreciated......  I'm off to pack some more boxes and attempt to get some sleep tonight -- wish me luck....

Question posed...

I was texting my parents this past week and they told me about a question that should become one of my new mantras along my quest - "what would you do if you weren't afraid?"  I really wish I knew how I would answer that question because, at the moment, I don't have an answer and I don't like that I don't have an answer...

I know that it takes a lot of courage and bravery to answer a question like that and I'm trying to determine whether or not I have that amount of courage and bravery.  Yes, I have overcome some pretty obstacles and maybe one of the reasons I'm questioning my level of courage/bravery currently is because so much of it is already devoted to this leap of faith/moving adventure that is looming in front of me.  Later this week, my POD moving/storage unit will be delivered for me to fill and I'm not done packing yet.  I'm trying very hard not to beat myself up too much over this fact but that is definitely easier said than done for me.

All of this is not helped with the fact that my past crashed in on me this past week.  This past week would have marked my 13th wedding anniversary and emotions hit me pretty hard this year.  I know a lot of that has to do with all of the other changes that are happening currently in my life but that didn't help calm down the all of the things I was feeling.  At this point, I can look back with fondness of the memories from that day but it didn't make it any easier when the emotions came crashing down on me.  I am a much different person that who I was 13 years ago when we got married; I am a much different person than who I was 8 years ago when he walked away; I know I can do this (somehow) but I am still extremely scared...

I'm sure some of why the emotions broke through this past week is I'm starting to say my "good-byes" and those have never been an easy thing for me.  When I was little and we were visiting with family when it came time to say "good-bye," I could often be found hiding in the car because I didn't want to have to say good-bye.  Things have gotten a little better as I've gotten older in the sense that I don't hide in the car anymore but the time to say "good-bye" is still not an easy one for me.  Lots of families are saying their good-byes as they move away and I am having to say my good-byes after having been here for almost nine years.

I did do something responsible this past week and I had my car checked out before making the big move.  I found a place that was local that could check it out, I called, made an appointment and took it in before work this past week.  Not only did it pass every test with flying colors, they did the inspection complementary - they had told me that I would only get charged if they found something wrong so I thought they were going to find something so I would have to pay - so I was excited that they didn't find any problems.

Well, my dear readers, I should probably bring this to a close, ponder my original question of "what would you do if you weren't afraid?" as I pack a couple of boxes before I head to bed.  Wish me luck that all of my packing comes together in the week ahead so I can prepare for my upcoming adventure...  Thank you for joining me!  =)

Kindness

This past week, I told the parents/kids that I'll be leaving and I broke quite a few hearts in the process.  Granted, a few of the kids cheered when I made my announcement but knowing them, I didn't necessarily expect anything different from those particular kids.  I was surprised by the reaction of some of the parents in the program and some of them have tried to demand/beg that I stay.  It's nice that they've had that reaction and it's been difficult to tell them that I am leaving regardless.  Even though I am still no where near having everything packed, I am starting to get excited about this change - which is unusual for me since I don't necessarily handle change well and I never have.

I am sure there are still going to be difficult times to come and saying "good-bye" is going to be emotional since I have very strong connections to some of the families as well as some co-workers but I know this move is going to be good for me in the long run.

Throughout this process, I have been struck by the kindness of people I know.  I have had several people offer to help me (and I still might have to take them up on that offer), one of my siblings has offered to fly here to help me drive my car cross country, and my parents are helping by paying the money up front for my POD and I'll pay them back.  I know we all have our own lives and our own schedules but it definitely nice to see that people are still willing to go out of their way to assist someone else - that doesn't always happen so it's nice when it happens.

Well my dear readers, I know this is the absolute shortest post I have written in quite some time however I should probably put this away for tonight.  I got a late start writing after trying to get some packing done today (again, didn't get near as much as I wanted done today and I am running out of time) and I should probably try and get some sleep tonight since I have a phone interview tomorrow.  Wish me luck and thank you for joining me along this quest!  =)

P.S.  One final thought for this evening - do something kind for someone; you never know how it's going to impact them (and you).

my POD is coming....

Some people say, "winter is coming..." but at the moment, I'm focused on "my POD is coming..."  I am trying not to overly freak out that my move is rapidly approaching and I don't feel even remotely prepared for it.  I am trying to listen to people when they tell me to just take things one step at a time and it will all come together; unfortunately the little voice in my head is sometimes louder than those around me and it tells me that using the wrong kind of tape on my boxes is going to effect what job/housing situation I am going to end up with when I move.  Yes, I may be more than slightly crazy but it's pretty typical for someone who belongs to my very, how should I say this, eclectic family.

I feel as if I got quite a bit accomplished to prepare for my move over this long weekend but looking around my apartment, I know I didn't accomplish near enough...  I tried to balance work and play some over this weekend and there was some time spent away from the process.  On Thanksgiving, I spend some time over at my dance instructor's house; every year she collects "orphans" (people who don't have anywhere else to go for Thanksgiving) to her house for Thanksgiving dinner.  I skipped last year but felt as if I should go this year since it will be my last opportunity to attend.  On Black Friday, I participated in my own tradition of taking myself to the movies instead of partaking in the insanity of shopping - I used to have movie theaters to myself (or a very small group of other people) but this year, there were about 20 other people at the movies.  I have already invited my sister-in-law to join me at the movies next year because she said that sounded like more fun than her usually working on Black Friday (even though she doesn't work retail).

When I wasn't "playing" this weekend, I went though my kitchen cupboards/freezer/fridge and cleaned them out, I went through the clothes in my closet (and donated lots of bags of clothes/shoes), and I boxed up all of my kid's books (for teaching) and my books.  I have sore muscles that I didn't think were possible and I know I should have accomplished lots more but I am proud for what I did get done.  Going into this week, I am hoping to come up with a list of things to try to accomplish each day off of work because there has always been something very satisfying to crossing things off of a to-do list for me.

Some of the other things I have to cross off my to-do this week is I have an interview tomorrow afternoon, I need to call to find information out in regards to my car lease, and I need to tell the parents/kids that I'll be leaving.  Even though I know that I need to tell them, I'm not sure how my announcement is going to be received.  Working where I do, people are constantly coming and going for different reasons but I have been here in once capacity or another for just shy of nine years.  I know that I would like to give them a heads up so they (the parents and the kids) can ask any questions they would like to ask and I can hopefully give them answers - they may not necessarily be the answers they're looking for but I can give it my best shot.

Well my dear readers, I should probably bring this to a close for this evening and start my to-do list so I can work on crossing items off of it as I go.  Since time is drawing short to the start of the next leg of my quest, I would ask if you're the praying type, please say a prayer for this Gypsy.  Thank you for joining me, my dear readers!  =)

Adventures...

The adventure of my leap of faith is starting to get real; I wrote my official resignation letter today which I will present to my boss tomorrow.  Once I've given my official resignation, I will start to tell the kids at work and their families.  Even though many of them will be on vacation this week since school is out, I will probably send out the first email to them either tomorrow or Tuesday and follow up with a hard copy written notice the following week.  I know that it's going to be difficult telling the kids and their families but I figure I should start telling them sooner rather than later so they can ask their questions and hear about it from me.

This past week at work we had a staff meeting where I announced that I would be leaving next month.  It also came up today at church that I'll be leaving, too.  At both places, the strangest reaction happened - I had people coming up to me telling me how much they're going to miss me and they don't want me to leave - all of which was a shock to me.  This reaction is coming from people who have often treated me as if I've invisible or they look at me like I'm the outcast they can't wait to get rid of.  The fact that they reacted like this, just kind of threw me for a loop.

In my work around the apartment this weekend, I took the family photos that I had displayed on a shelf down, wrapped them and put them in a box.  That simple act already has this apartment feeling less like "home".  In living here, I was told not to put any holes in the walls so family photos were displayed on a shelf while others never made it out of a box.  Granted, the ones that stayed in the box now contain the ex's of three out of four kids in the family so it's probably better that they remained in a box.  With me living closer to the rest of my family maybe we can have some new photos taken with the current members of the family for me to put up in my new home/apartment or wherever I end up.  I realized that even the photos I have of my nephews are a couple of years old at this point but they are the ones that I have; so with them coming down off the shelves, it already makes it seem more empty.

I know that in order to make this move, it's going to have to feel less like home in order to get everything packed away and actually move.  I think part of it is bringing up some memories/emotions of the last time I moved (after the divorce was finalized) but I'm trying hard not to necessarily dwell on those feelings.  Maybe part of it is also coming from the time of year it is - this is the time of the year that the wasband walked out leaving only a letter.  I am trying to realize how far I have come in the last 8 years but sometimes it's difficult to push those memories/emotions away.  I guess this is all part of my quest...

Last night, in order to help remind me about my quest, I watched "Man of LaMancha" while I was looking through boxes.  That's always been one of those movies that helps to put my quest in perspective - Don Quixote was the persona of a mad man who dreamed of a life of chivalry who became a knight errant.  Some might say that my quest to move cross country is mad but sometimes the maddest of quests means you make the best of friends (as Don Quixote had Sancho and Duncinea) and your story is remembered.  Those things sound pretty good to me.

Well, my dear readers, I should probably bring this to a close for the evening.  The kids don't have school this week so we have three days of full day programming (from 7 am - 6 pm) so we'll see what kind of trouble we can get into.  Thank you for joining me along this quest and I hope you take some time this week to reflect on what you're thankful for.  I am thankful for you, my dear readers!  =)

Leap of Faith

I currently feel as if I'm standing on the edge of a precipice, with one foot extended, as I prepare to step forward...  That may sound overly dramatic but I am on the edge of something dramatic - I am preparing to take a leap of faith and move approximately 2400 miles cross country.  The thought of it has me somewhat scared to death but the decision has also left me with an overwhelming sense of calm.  I told my boss this past week that I'm going to be putting in my notice by the end of the year and it did not go over well; she even asked me if there was anything she could do to convince me to change my mind - the answer is "no."  Telling my staff was hard but they are all encouraging me to follow what my heart is telling me and my heart is telling me to go.  I haven't told the parents or the kids yet and I'm sure those conversations are going to be the most difficult...  Actually, I've told a couple of the parents because I've asked if I could use them as references.

I have been debating this move for some time and feel as if my landlords letting me know about selling their home has been the kick in the butt I've been waiting for in order to make this decision.  I have more decisions to make in this process but the decision to move has at least been made.  I have started to go through things in my apartment and have been trying to determine what to take with me, what to try and sell, and what I just want/need to get rid of.  Going through stuff has made my dogs even more neurotic than usual because they can definitely sense that something is going on; even if they don't understand what that is.  Because my dogs are older, I'm hoping that they do okay with this entire process.  The one has a tendency to get car sick so that's going to be an adventure in and of itself...

One of the things that has been both emotional and has brought some closure is throwing away some things from the wasband's and my failed marriage.  I'm not throwing away everything (finding some of the photos from our wedding day did bring a smile to my face) but I am getting rid of love letters I've found and the journals I kept during his time out to sea.  I'm not sure why I kept those things when the divorce became finalized but I think I am ready to get rid of those things and move on with my life.

Another thing I did today in order to move on with my life is I was going through my closet, getting rid of some clothes and I came across my wedding dress.  The dress I wore to my wedding was a formal crushed velvet dress with a faux fur wrap around the shoulders with a mermaid tail train.  The wedding dress made it's way into the bag of donated clothes and the bags made their way to the donation site today.  Also in the donation bag went the wedding night nightgown/robe and the outfit I wore to my brother's wedding the day the wasband and I met.  I wasn't ready to get rid of these items after the divorce was finalized but I think it was definitely important for me to get rid of them before moving.  In a sense I am closing this entire chapter of my life in order to take the next step.

Along with other emotional things from this weekend, today I had my final performance at the dance studio.  We haven't had a night like this at the studio in some time but we transformed the studio into a nightclub and had the chance to sign up and perform.  The troupe opened the show with a few of our group choreographies and then towards the end of the show, I danced a solo.  Since it was the last time I would have the opportunity to solo at the studio, I decided to dance the first solo tonight that I ever danced at the studio (a middle eastern version of "I Put a Spell on You") and then I danced to one of the group choreographies that has kind of become "my" dance - our Story dance.  When my instructor introduced me, she said that it was going to be my last performance at the studio and some of the dancers got emotional.  Even though it was emotional for me too, I was able to keep it together and give almost the performance I wanted - I wish I would have done more with the first piece but doing my first piece "one more time" at the studio was a little overwhelming today.  I am glad I danced both of the pieces though.

Well my dear readers, after this emotional weekend as I stand on the edge of this precipice preparing to take my leap of faith, I should probably bring this to a close for this evening.  I have at least one job interview lined up this week and I'm hoping for a few more possibilities to come my way so please keep your fingers crossed or say a prayer for me - this Gypsy would appreciate it!  Thank you for joining me along this next section of my quest!  =)

disjointed...

I haven't started one of my posts with a disclaimer in awhile but I'm starting with one tonight - I am getting a pretty late start on my writing tonight so I'm not sure how long of a post this is going to be or if it's going to make a whole lot of sense or not...  So, I guess I'm encouraging you to read at your own risk (even though I do want you to continue reading).

This past week, I started going through some things in my apartment to start the daunting task of deciding what to keep and what to purge with my impending move.  I unfortunately didn't get as far this weekend as I had hoped to but the boxes I started with were filled with memories - some good and some not so good.  I was hoping to start going through my closet today but I didn't make it there. This is a short week at work (we get Friday off for Veteran's Day but I might have to go in for an hour or so to sign off on payroll) and I may or may not end up at jury duty (yes, as if I don't have enough on my plate, I have been potentially been summoned for jury duty) but my goal is to go through my closet by this time next week.

As I go through some of my boxes, I know that some of the contents I'll be able to take into work and the kids/teens will be able  to use them for their own creative purposes.  I have some boxes that I haven't really been in since I've moved here (back in 2009) and while some of that has been because I don't have much space here I guess part of it means I don't necessarily need what's in some of those boxes.  I know some stuff I might be able to sell or just give away and other stuff I think it just might be time to throw it away.  Hopefully that motivation will continue as I start going through boxes; I guess only time will tell...

I'm trying to not take the stress of packing up my apartment and trying to find a new place on my coworkers but one of them in particular is starting to get to me.  In a couple of different ways she's wanting everyone to go out of their way for her but she's not necessarily willing to reciprocate.  She's telling me that she's putting in all of this extra time so now she wants time off - which I'm not opposed to her getting but with other things going on in the building and her aspect of programming, there isn't a whole lot of time to be had for her to be off.  I guess I will figure out how to work some magic in order to make it happen...

As I'm sitting here, I am becoming overwhelmed again by the amount of work I have to put into this apartment in order to get ready to move so I think I need to put this away for tonight so I can calm down so I can get some sleep tonight.  Tomorrow should be interesting going into work because even though we gained an extra hour this weekend due to daylight savings, any time we "fall back" or "spring forward," it makes the kids crazy.  I apologize for how disjointed tonight's post was but I did put a disclaimer at the beginning...  Thank you for your love/support during this new facet of my quest and thank you for joining me, my dear readers!  =)

Embracing my inner dragon...

I have survived the week and have escaped mostly unscathed.  My stress levels remained high all week so I didn't get as much sleep as I should have.  I got my flu shot and had some sort of reaction; not only did I have a reaction at the injection site (a raised welt that was sore and warm to the touch - I still have a knot in the muscle at the injection site and I got my shot Wednesday morning) but I also had some intestinal discomfort/issues.  The combination did not leave me as a happy camper and it didn't necessarily help my stress levels.

On the plus side, I did hear from two of the jobs I applied for last weekend; one was a preliminary phone call from the corporate HR department (they'll pass my answers along to where I applied for them to decide to interview me or not) and I received an email from another company requesting a FaceTime interview which I think went pretty well (they had to finish their interviews, pass the candidates the liked to the next level and then do second interviews with the candidates they select).  So with all of this, we'll see what happens.  I have sent applications to a few more places as well.

I have done some local apartment hunting but have found that I am very limited to what's available to me because of my two dogs - it doesn't matter that they're old, little guys; lots of places here are not overly pet friendly and if they are, the rent is astronomical.  For the headache they have been at times, I have had them both since they were puppies and they have been my babies.  I actually had someone suggest to me this past week that I should just give them up since they're "only dogs and not only that, they're old dogs..."  Sorry, I can't do that; yes, they're old dogs and I don't know how much longer they'll be with me regardless but they're still my babies, I have fought tooth and nail to keep them and in the divorce decree I was charged with their care.  I think the one at least can tell that something is changing because I couldn't find him for a bit today and then I found him hiding under the kitchen table (there are times I swear he's part cat the way he hides sometimes - if I bought one of those cat tree climbers for him, he would probably be thrilled...).

With tomorrow being Halloween, the staff and I at work will be dressing up like we normally do.  Every year, we come up with a theme for our Halloween costumes and this year's theme is "mythical creatures."  Since I'm usually a villain or bad guy of sorts, this year I am going to be a dragon.  I have a dragon hooded sweatshirt, one of my large dance skirts, a dragon tail and leggings that have scales on them.  I even have a little stuffed dragon that will be going to work with me as my baby dragon sidekick/minion. With everything going on in my life currently, I think I need to learn to embrace my inner dragon...

Well my dear readers, I need to take a little bit of time tonight to make sure I have everything together so I can transform into my dragon-self for work tomorrow so I should probably bring this to a close for tonight.  I would ask what I did last week, that if you're the praying type, please say a prayer for this Gypsy as some big changes are coming my way in terms of where my quest is leading me.  Thanks for joining me and for your support!  =)

Freaking out

I am freaking out...  Three days ago I found out that the people I have been renting from are looking into selling their house so I need to find a new place to live.  In my more sane moments, I know that everything will work out but those sane moments have been few and far between these past few days.  I have gone from just looking at the problem at hand to the absolute worst case scenario that I'm going to end up homeless, sleeping on the streets and one of those people standing on a street corner holding a cardboard sign.  Even just typing those words just now, I am utterly freaking out...

When I first moved into this place, it was supposed to be a temporary living situation after my divorce and I was looking into a new job.  The job fell through so I stayed at my job, have moved my way up, stayed in the apartment and yet I still feel like a failure.  I'm sure some of that is coming from feeling as if my life is falling apart because I'm not sure what I'm going to do housing wise but it is how I'm feeling currently.  I found out Thursday night, have gotten very little sleep since then (since a lot of these completely overwhelming thoughts hit me in the middle of the night) and last night and today I have shed quite a few tears.

One of the first thoughts I had when I found out about this upheaval was, I can finally go home...  I actually took the initiative and was on-line job hunting yesterday for several hours and I even applied for a handful of jobs.  I'm not sure if anything is going to come from sending out those applications but I did it (even though it was really scary to do so).  At this point, all I can do is wait and see if anything comes from sending them out and go from there.

A reoccurring thing people have told me is I need to remember to keep breathing.  Breathing is such a simple thing that we sometimes take for granted and I remember my parents telling me to do that when the wasband walked out; they kept reminding me to "breathe, if nothing else, just breathe."  There have been times that I have felt my breath getting stuck somewhere in my chest cavity and I feel either as if I'm on the verge of a panic attack or a complete mental/emotional breakdown - I'm not sure which would be better at this point...

I know that in times of trouble, it's important to turn to your faith and that's one of my problems - over the past I'm not sure how long, my faith has been wavering.  That's really difficult for me to admit since faith has always been a cornerstone of my family.  When I'm rational (and I know that has been called into question over the last few days) I know that God hasn't left me but it's difficult to figure out how I'm going to head back in that direction.

Well, my dear readers, I feel myself getting overly worked up and emotional again so I think I should probably bring this to a close in an effort to be able to get some sleep tonight.  If I'm going to attempt to keep myself from falling apart while at work tomorrow I'm going to need all of the help I can get...  If you're the praying type, please say a prayer for this Gypsy to find the next direction I am to head - right now I feel as if I'm lost in the dark and I'm freaking out.....

Touch

I'm not exactly sure what happened but this past week, I looked in the mirror one morning after I woke up and I saw someone old looking back at me.  I don't know if my birthday from last week is catching up to me, if the hours at work are now taking their toll on me physically (as they already have taken an mental/psychological toll on me) or if it's a combination of things; but I feel as if I look old all of a sudden.  Something for me to work through...

This past week at work, the kids were out of school so we had them all day, everyday.  Some of the kids decided that they needed to decorate the building for Halloween and we let them go with it.  There are now spiderwebs everywhere, pipe cleaner spiders, hand drawn witches/bats/vampires/ware wolves/goblins all over, and they even made a graveyard filled with tombstones with some of their names and the names of staff members.  It was kind of fun to see their thought process through it all but when they started to make tombstones for the staff it made me wonder, "what did we do to you guys?!"  On the tombstones, most people they had written their name and how old they were; on mine, they wrote my name and I "lived a happy life" but no age - I guess they didn't want to write that I was 112 (that was what I told them last week when they asked how old I turned on my birthday).

Out of nowhere, I also got a call from another center asking if two of their staff could visit my site for some accreditation assistance.  I didn't mind helping them out but one of the things that they tried to ask if they could just copy all of the work that I had done in order to use as their own.  Um.... no....  I don't mind helping out but I am not for just copying someone else's work.  Having them come to talk about their struggles did make me want to help them but it also made me feel as if I was being forced to do "group work" like from school which absolutely makes me cringe.

Along with having the kids for full days this past week and having our visitors, we also had a staff meeting on Tuesday night.  We had it off site (which was a first for us) and along with the meeting, we had a "celebration" for all of our hard work during our inspection.  The boss had worked with another department to supply appetizers for during the meeting; I didn't think they looked appealing (there were deep fried artichoke hearts which I don't care for at all and what looked to be over-cooked quesadillas) so I didn't eat anything.  Since I chose not to partake, I had several people ask me what was wrong and why I wasn't eating - I even had a couple of people ask me if I needed a hug...

Now, if you're new to reading, I'm not overly a touchy/feely person and I don't feel comfortable hugging just anyone - I actually tense up.  I've had people question me about it since I get uncomfortable hugging most adults but I don't mind hugging kids - I think it boils down to questioning the motives behind the hug...  Kids hugs are pure in my opinion and because I have trust issues with most adults, I question if a hug is a hug or if they are looking for a place to stab me in the back.  That may be a sick and twisted way to look at a hug but that's how I feel about them; I really have to feel comfortable with or trust the person that I'm receiving a hug from and that's one of the reasons I tense up.  This was actually one of the things that came up in the personality/management training I participated in a couple of months ago - don't touch me or my things and we'll be fine.

Well, my dear readers, I am going to bring this to a close for tonight.  I have given myself some things to think about and I also need to get ready for the week ahead.  I hope you have opportunities for your own muchness as we go into the week and that you do things for you.  =)

Time for me...

I learned something this week - if you're told you get to work a half day on Friday and you don't take a lunch with you to work since you are planning on working a half day, you're going to be tasked a project that will not allow you to leave half way through the day...  I ended up leaving about an hour and a half before the end of the day (that still means I worked approximately a 10.5 hour day) and that's only because my Sports Coordinator and my Operations Clerk forced me out of the building; they seemed ready to forcibly escort me from the premises.  I was supposed to work yesterday so my Sports Coordinator could have the afternoon off but she was able to rearrange some things so I was told to take yesterday off as well.  Honestly, I didn't feel guilty at all leaving work early on Friday and I didn't feel guilty not going in yesterday; I still worked just shy of 60 hours this past week.

Since I haven't really had any time off lately, I actually took myself to the movies and to the aquarium (it's probably been a year and a half since I've allowed myself time to go to the aquarium - even though I have an annual membership pass).  I ended up staying only a couple of hours since it got pretty crowded but it was fun to go just the same.  I got some really cute photos of some sea otters for one of my nephews (they're his absolute favorite) and it was nice just to sit and watch the different sea animals.

I did something this week that I don't typically do - I went out with someone for dinner/drinks after work/choir one night for my birthday.  Usually I find some sort of an excuse to not go out after work since I have such a long work day and have to be up so early in the morning to start my work day.  A dance friend has been wanting me to go out for dinner/drinks after dance for some time now and I always find some reason to say "no"; when she reached out to me on my birthday, I shocked her by finally saying "yes."  Granted, she had to convince me a little bit but she finally convinced me to head out.  She and I had a good time and decided that we'll have to go out again one of these days - turns out that she and I have a lot more in common than dance and we decided that it was nice to have a friend who "got" us.

One of the kids asked me this past week asked me how old I was and I told her that I was 112.  She looked surprised for a second and then said, "Um... if you were 112, you'd be in a wheelchair."  Her response left me stunned because I didn't expect that answer from a 1st grader.  For my birthday, one of my staff members brought in Doctor Who themed gift bags for the staff and what was really cool/sweet about it was she doesn't watch the show but did the research for the bags since it's one of my favorites.  She told me after doing the research for the gift bags, she's become intrigued by the show and wants to start watching it herself - yay, another one has been converted!

Something I have decided with my birthday being this past week is I am going to go into the next year really embracing my weirdness and not trying to hide it away in order to make others comfortable.  I already often feel uncomfortable in situations where I have to be around people (it's the introvert in me) so why should I make myself even more uncomfortable trying to be someone that I'm not?  I'm still trying to devise how that's all going to come together but it's a goal I am setting for myself.  I will start working on my goal with my day off tomorrow.

Well, my dear readers, I'm going to bring this to a close for tonight, attempt to get some rest tonight, and enjoy my day off tomorrow.  Thanks for joining me and I hope you find some time for you!  =)

too much...

On Friday this past week at work that I needed to shut my door; not only to get my work accomplished but to shut myself in.  As I closed the door to my office, in my head I visualized the saying "my alone time is sometimes for your safety."  I started my day by thinking I was going to do something nice by buying donuts for my staff.  One of my staff actually asked me what the catch was when they saw the boxes of donuts in the staff room.  Really?!  Can't I just do something nice?  I wanted to tell them, if you don't want the donuts, don't eat the donuts...

This weekend wasn't much of a weekend for me (luckily I didn't have to work the shift I was supposed to yesterday) and I'm not looking forward to facing work this week.  It is the start of our fiscal year so we have to wrap everything up and prepare for the year ahead so it's going to be crazy.  I think the fact that I haven't been sleeping well has made my attitude plummet and that makes me retreat into myself even further.  One of these days something has got to give - I either need to figure out how to de-stress or sleep or something or I'm going to end up losing it...

It would probably be helpful if I knew I had a day off in my future.  Next weekend is a long weekend but I have to work on Saturday (and it's looking like it's going to be a full day) and then we're going into a week of work where the kids are out of school.  There are times I really wish that I was better with saying, "I have put in my time, I'm going home" or "I have put in enough hours for me to take the day off, so that's what I'm going to do."  Right now, we're short staffed and I feel compelled to pick up the slack.  I know that I come by this compulsion honestly since my entire family is the same way; when I was talking to my Mom today, she told me that one of my brothers is struggling to find time to eat lunch on a regular basis at work - my response, "Yeah, and?"  She was not overly surprised by my answer and she responded with acknowledging that we're (my siblings and I) all the same and have inherited it honestly (both my parents are the same way).

I just heard something that caught my attention, "You don't need to drive yourself crazy in order to be productive."  I should consider having that on a plaque in my office at work in the hopes that one day I'll be able to believe it.  I don't know if I fully believe it yet but I will work on overcoming my compulsion to work how I do.

I keep saying that I need to do things for me and I unfortunately haven't done so yet.  Hopefully I'll at least take a little bit of time for myself this weekend since my birthday is this week and I'll be spending the day at work and at choir practice.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do but I'm hoping that it will be spectacular.

On that note, my dear readers, I am going to bring this to a close and see if I can't come up with some sort of a plan (even if my plan involves me telling myself that I'm not allowed to plan and I need to spend time doing things for me that are spontaneous).  Thank you for joining me and I hope you are able to do something for you!  =)

dysfunctionally me

I just heard the phrase "dysfunctionally me" and I think that describes me perfectly.

I had one of the kids at work this week ask me why I was being cranky.  I didn't give them the actual reason (even though I wanted to) - I just told them that I was sleepy.  The actual reason is I'm sleepy because I'm not sleeping due to stress and working too many hours that has become my norm (this past work I put in approximately 72 hours of work this week - and I get paid for 40).  So I'm also cranky because I'm realizing I'm either being taken advantage of by my boss and that's why I'm working so many hours or I'm really, really bad at my job and I can't figure out how to accomplish everything in a 40 hour work week; or maybe it's a combination of the two...

There are times where I definitely question my sanity in not standing up for myself and saying "no" to anything beyond a 5 day/40 hour work week.  Like I said, last week, I worked approximately 72 hours over 6 days and heading into this week doesn't look to be much different (other than I may get out of working a few of those Saturday hours because we have a dance performance and I'll have to get ready and head out of town for it).  I am hoping to be granted some time off before the end of the year but that hasn't been signed off on yet.  One of my bargaining chips (which I thankfully discovered today) is I'm getting close to having "use or lose leave" and after all of the extras I have done for work, I am not willing to lose a single hour.

I know that I'm not sleeping because I can't find a way to turn my brain off at night and then when I do sleep, I've been having some weird trippy dreams.  It's strange; some of the best sleep I've had over the past couple of weeks have been the couple of naps I've taken on my couch while sitting straight up with my head flopped back on the back of the couch.  Yes, I wake up with a crick in my neck but I actually feel rested.  I'm sure that means that one of these days I probably need a new mattress but I hate mattress shopping...

I came across a song this past week and one of the lines from it has stuck in my head: "I'm tortured every day by these never-ending worries."  I don't know if I need to do a better job at writing down my to-do list before going to bed at night so I'm not thinking about it when I should be sleeping.  I don't know if that would help or not but it might be worth giving it a try in order to get some sleep at night.  I have a tendency to overthink the things I did during the day to analyze if I did a good enough job accomplishing them or not and then think about the things I didn't accomplish that I should have. There are times I think it would be fascinating to be see what's going on in my brain and there are other times that even the thought of that completely freaks me out...

Well my dear readers, I have given myself some things to think about and I should probably bring this to a close for the evening.  On the plus side, this past week, I had someone tell me that they love my personal style and they can't wait to see what I'm wearing - I thought that was pretty cool.  I hope you can find ways to embrace your own personal styles this week and if you are dysfunctional, be dysfunctionally you because I'll be dysfunctionally me.  Thanks for joining me!  =)

Blanket of Truth

This week has been an interesting combination of ups and downs for me.  I've have tried my best to keep things together when I've been at work (lots of hours at work) and at the dance studio but there have been things that have slipped through the cracks.  It probably hasn't helped that I have been having some unusual dreams that have kept me up at night so sleep has been somewhat elusive.  It also probably doesn't help that not only did I work long days this past week at work but I also worked all day yesterday for an outdoor family fun event (at work we had bounce houses, carnival games, a DJ, food, field games, etc. and I was there from 7:15 am - 3:45 pm).

I had forgotten to take care of something at work this last week and I blame it on working too many hours and having just to much on my mind.  Even though it's completely justifiable to forget something, that didn't keep me from beating myself up over it.  What I forgot wasn't even that big of a deal or something that was "make it or break it" but I don't like feeling as if I've messed up.  I am very critical of myself and even though it was a minor thing I forgot, it has stayed with me all week.  If it was anyone else, I would tell them to learn from it and move on but for whatever reason, I am unable to take my own advice.  I could stand myself in front of a mirror and give myself the advice I would give to someone else in my shoes, and I wouldn't be able to do it.

I have said before that for me the "bad stuff" is easier to believe and that remains true with this work situation as well.  I know that I have myself in a catch 22 because even though my screw up came from having too much on my work plate and working too many hours but because of the screw up, I feel the need to work more and harder in order to make up for it.  I don't entirely know why that seems to be hardwired into me but it is.  I have worked to come up with a system to keep track of my work "to do" list and I'm hoping that it keeps something like this from happening again.

One of the things that resonated with me this past week is one of the scenes from the movie Dead Poets Society.  I haven't watched the movie in forever but one scene came to my mind out of nowhere this week.  In the movie, Robin Williams is an English teacher at an all boys prep school and he has a group in his class who are rebels.  In the particular scene that has come to mind this week, one of the boys who wants to rebel but also wants to hide in the shadows must write his own poem and recite it in front of the class - he doesn't complete the assignment and Robin Williams' (John Keating) character pulls him in front of the class and starts pushing him (quote from IMDB.com):

John Keating: Close your eyes, close your eyes! Close 'em! Now, describe what you see.
Todd Anderson: Uh, I-I close my eyes. 
John Keating: Yes. 
Todd Anderson: Uh, and this image floats beside me. 
John Keating: A sweaty-toothed madman. 
Todd Anderson: A sweaty-toothed madman with a stare that pounds my brain. 
John Keating: Oh, that's *excellent*! Now, give him action - make him do something! 
Todd Anderson: H-His hands reach out and choke me. 
John Keating: That's it! Wonderful, wonderful! 
Todd Anderson: And all the time he's mumbling. 
John Keating: What's he mumbling? 
Todd Anderson: Mumbling truth. 
John Keating: Yeah, yes. 
Todd Anderson: Truth like-like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold. 
John Keating: [some of the class start to laugh] Forget them, forget them! Stay with the blanket. Tell me about that blanket! 
Todd Anderson: Y-Y-You push it, stretch it, it'll never be enough. You kick at it, beat it, it'll never cover any of us. From the moment we enter crying t-to the moment we leave dying, it'll just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream. 
[long pause then class applauds]
John Keating: Don't you forget this.

I can relate to that feeling of not being enough.  Maybe that's one of the reasons that I push myself so hard and why I feel the need to work so many hours each week.  Who knows - maybe I'm just trying to come up with some sort of an explanation so I don't feel as if I'm a complete and total nut job...  Or is this realization my particular blanket of truth?

Well my dear readers, I should probably sign off for tonight so I can at least get myself ready for my day tomorrow - I have a long work day which will lead directly into practice at the dance studio.  My plan for tonight is to get my work/dance clothes ready along with putting a lunch together for myself. I hope you were able to rest up this weekend for whatever adventures that await you this week!  =)

Captivating

Lots of people have been talking today about the tragedies that took place 15 years ago today.  I remember that I was in college and had a geology exam that day.  We had an early morning class and were all in the lecture hall early doing last minute studying/cramming and we also had to be there early because even though we had one of the coolest geology professors ever, when it came to exams, if you weren't there before he was, you got locked out of the lecture hall and were out of luck in terms of being able to take the test.  This was one of the particular classes that Mom and I had together and we sat near the front of the lecture hall.  Right at the top of the hour and class was beginning, the professor and one student came into the lecture hall.  Because Mom and I were near the front, we could hear the student say to the professor, "Can you believe what's happened?" and the professor replied to him, "shut up; no one here knows what you're talking about and they're ready for this test." Not really wanting to lose the geology notes in my head, I put it out of my mind, took the exam, and was waiting for Mom in the lounge area right outside the lecture hall.

The college had moved TVs into the common areas and had the news playing showing what was happening around the country.  I was watching the reports when Mom came out of the lecture hall.  She and I watched for a few minutes together before she tried to call Dad at work (he worked for a government contractor at the time and their building was on lock down even though we were nowhere near what was going on so she couldn't get through to him) and then had another class to get to.  I had a longer break before my next class started.  During my break, the campus administration came across the loud speakers and announced that classes for the remainder of the day had been cancelled.  Mom and I met up and headed home to watch the news.

I remember that I had a health project due and while I watched the news, I cut out items of food out of foam (my project was a magnetic food pyramid activity for kids so the pieces of food had google eyes and smiley faces on them).  Part of me felt it was weird to continue to work on the project in the midst of everything that was happening on the news but it kept me slightly distracted from all of the emotions pouring out of the TV.

Flash forward to what's going on now...  While it was nice to have a three day weekend last week, this past week was chocked full of things that unfortunately didn't all get accomplished even though I ended up working an almost eight hour day yesterday.  I found myself in programming on Tuesday, had an all morning meeting on Wednesday (and was in and out of programming all afternoon), Thursday was a meeting and there was yet another meeting on Friday.  Because of all of these meetings, my work is still on my desk and waiting for me to add to what needs to be accomplished in this week.  We have a staff meeting after work on Tuesday (so I'll be there until after 8 pm) and an all-day event on Saturday so this week will be interesting.

With being at work yesterday, my boss was there for part of the time and I ended up tackling a pretty big project for her.  While I got her things done, I didn't really get done what I had intended to do with my time in the building.  Oh, well.  At least that task for her got finished.  After being at work, I had a dance performance where I was not only supposed to dance with the troupe but solo as well.  I had been going back and forth on what song I was going to dance to as well as how I was going to interpret the music.  About an hour before showtime, I ended up deciding on a middle eastern version of "I Put a Spell on You" and my interpretation of it was "Genie in a Bottle."  It didn't come out exactly how I had envisioned it but I will try my best to remember how I wanted it to be for the next time - because I would like to dance this interpretation again.  It seemed to be well received by the audience and I was told by someone that I was a "captivating dancer."  I've never heard that particular comment about my dancing before so I want to take it with me.

Well, my dear readers, since I have a full week ahead of me, I should probably bring this to a close, finish up some laundry and hopefully get some sleep tonight.  On top of everything else this past week, one night in the middle of the night I woke up and ended up throwing up off and on for an hour and the feeling stayed with me all that next day at work.  It was odd since I didn't eat anything that I shouldn't - nothing I'm allergic to - so hopefully it was an isolated incident; I will do almost anything to keep from throwing up...  I hope you have a good week out there everyone and thank you for joining me!  =)

dancing + migraine = not necessarily a good idea...

I had a strange comment made towards me today and I'm still kind of wondering about it...  I had a migraine yesterday and it hung on today as well; we had a total of three dance performances (we were supposed to have four - for one performance, we weren't on the schedule and they couldn't find the paperwork that was summit in order for us to perform so we didn't) over the last two days and while I always enjoy performing, the performances were not fun with the migraine.  Actually, I take that back - I made them as fun/joyful as I could under the circumstances.  Yesterday, people were asking what was wrong since the pain was apparent on my face; when people asked how I was doing today (and I responded that while for the most part the migraine was gone, I still had tension/pain at the base of my skull), someone with the group said to me, "you just love to complain, don't you?"  I was kind of taken aback by the comment because I didn't feel as if I was complaining, I felt as if I was answering the questions asked of me.  To each their own, I guess...

I felt as if I gave my all during the performances under the circumstances of my head hurting.  We had two performances at the local Fair.  While we were performing, I was completely surprised to see some people from work in the audience; none of them had seen me dance before and interestingly they didn't make plans to meet up, they just all happened to be there.  One of them I actually used to work in a classroom with a number of years ago and I knew her before she had her son, who was with her in the audience.  She and her son approached me afterwards and asked if they could take photos with me (I said, of course!) and I even let her balance my sword on her head (which her son thought was pretty cool).

Things at work are still crazy and I'm not sure that the work stresses didn't contribute some to my migraine.  We not only still have work to do after our inspection but we also have a big all-day Saturday event coming up in a couple of weeks, a week long day-camp coming up next month and staffing issues.  Not only are we currently understaffed, but I also have to have staff assist in covering soccer fields because we have to keep eyes on our coaches and my Sports Coordinator is wanting me to work magic that I don't feel as if I currently can manage/maintain.  I feel as if I'm doing my best to accommodate all that she's asking of me but in doing so, I have to work after hours to get my work accomplished because I'm having to step into programming myself to cover so my staff can cover soccer fields.  What's overly frustrating about it is she just keeps saying that no one cares about the sports program - it makes me want to bang my head on the wall sometimes...

While part of me is excited to get to have tomorrow off of work, the other part of me dreads three day weekends only in the sense that you have four days to accomplish five days worth of work.  I know that I've done it before but that doesn't make it any easier; especially when I have to be in programming Tuesday afternoon and the kids get out of school early every day this week for parent/teacher conferences so we have to pick up early.  In my time off tomorrow, I'm hoping to at least take a few minutes to come up with a game plan for the week in order to get what I need to accomplished.

From re-reading what I've written, I've realized that once again I need to learn how to cut myself a break.  I've never really learned how to do this and I'm not sure how/if I'm going to be able to do it this time but I know that I need to do something.  I was talking with my Mom today and realized that I have no idea the last time I took myself to the aquarium (something I really enjoy doing) because I always find reasons not to go.  I also am so busy working towards the next thing that I don't allow myself to enjoy even small victories.  With the not so small victory of our inspection completion the other week, I rewarded my staff by buying them lunch but I didn't do anything for myself.  Why?  I'm not sure but I need to figure out how to make some sort of a change...

Well my dear readers, even though I have the day off, I just realized that it's after midnight so I should probably bring this to a close and attempt to get some sleep tonight.  I took a little nap earlier after today's performances and to help take the rest of my migraine away and I'm hoping that by taking the nap I didn't make it so I won't sleep tonight.  I hope if you have tomorrow off (and even if you don't), you take the opportunity to do something for you!  Thanks for joining me!  =)

Trapped...

I wanted to call this something else but didn't necessarily think that using the title "Held Hostage" would go over very well; even if that's how I feel in one particular all consuming area of my life currently...

If you remember, last week we had our big annual inspection at work where they basically look at all paperwork, processes, programming, etc. of the building under a microscope.  The inspector that I worked with has been to my building the last few years now and I appreciate how he's been able to help us grow as a program overall - when I first became the director, we received an 82% that year; last year, we went up to an 86% and this year, we earned a 90%.  Now, on paper that seems like phenomenal progress, right?  My boss has said that mistakes that were made (last year and this year) could have and should have been avoided and we should have done better overall.  As a perfectionist (and just being who I am), I take that as I could have and should have done better and the reasons we lost the points were because of me.

I think my staff did really well with their contributions to the inspection and while some of the mistakes we made were simple/stupid ones, it was the inspector's job to find them (and he did) and that will hopefully make us a better/stronger program overall.  I have been told that my attitude in regards to inspections is too caviler and that I should put more emphasis on them.  In my opinion, the more you freak out about inspections and the more you try to change right before an inspection comes (just to try and improve your score), the more mistakes you'll make during the inspection because those changes aren't in your day to day repertoire.  I know that not everyone (my boss included) shares that mentality and that makes it difficult around inspection time for me because the more they go crazy and want to change things, the more I shut down.

I have always known that I overanalyze problems/situations and that was validated when I was at my conference a few weeks ago when I learned about my management/communication style.  When I'm not allowed that time to at least start to analyze a situation (even though it is better for me to have time to overanalyze a situation, I at least need time to analyze it), it doesn't go over well with me and I have a tendency to shut down and retreat within.  Over the last few weeks, my boss has been firing tasks left and right and not giving me time to really analyze anything and yet she's annoyed that I've become withdrawn.  Now she wants to plan a meeting with the management team between both buildings to find out where the communication breakdowns are because it's no longer working for her.

None of this is probably helped by the heartbreaking short conversation I had with one of my 4-year old nephews today.  He was over at my parents house to enjoy the pool and he wanted to talk to me for a few minutes.  He told me about swimming and how he had to get out of the pool because there was a storm, and that he's getting ready to go to school, and why can't I come home and he thought I liked to come home.  Gee, thanks kid...  It was wonderful for him to want me to be there but it breaks my heart that I couldn't just magically appear because he wanted me to be where he is (he was the one last December who wanted me to buy him a plane ticket so he could come with me through security).  All of the trials/tribulations at work because of the inspection and listing to my nephew today, it makes me feel even more like I'm trapped here...

There are times that it feels impossible to stay overly positive when you feel beat down by so many challenges/obstacles.  I've put in a request to be able to see my family for the holidays (and it was a number of weeks ago that I turned it in) but I haven't received it back with permission from my boss. It gets extremely frustrating to know that I have time off available on the books (as well as lots of compensatory time that I'll probably never see) and I'm told that there are times throughout the year that I'm "not allowed" to take time off.  What good is it to earn the time off and then not be able to use it?  Just one more of the frustrations I'm dealing with...

Well my dear readers, before I work myself up to much and then attempt to get sleep tonight, I should probably bring this to a close and get ready for the work week ahead.  Thank you for joining me and I hope that you have a wonderful week with opportunities of muchness waiting to be embraced!  =)

Two days...

Two days.  That's all that it took was two days.  After two days at work this past week, it feels as if I wasn't away from work for a week learning about myself and the idea that I was going to have a better time of things at work.  Not only have I needed to jump back into working too many hours (Tuesday and Wednesday I worked from 6 am until after 9 pm, Friday I worked from 5:40 am until after 11 pm, and then I worked yesterday from 7:45 am until 3 pm).  When I got back from my conference, we had a visit from someone from the regional office and told us some recommendations she would make for where I work.  My boss took that to the absolute extreme, made me spend thousands of dollars on supplies (and according to the boss, not only did I not spend enough I bought the wrong stuff), rearrange the entire programming area to her specifications all to prepare for our inspector who showed up on Friday (and he'll be in the building until Tuesday this week or so).  I have always known my boss to go bananas right before an inspection such as this but I have never seen her throw this kind of, lack for better way to describe it, temper tantrum like a little kid would...

Through these interactions with her this week, not only did my staff and I have to rearrange the entire building and introduce new items that the kids have no clue how to use in our environment right as the inspection is happening, she also decided to hit below the belt in how she was talking to me.  She reduced herself to name calling and making other comments (such as "what have you been doing over the last three years down here?!") and people have questioned why I didn't say anything to her.  When faced with a situation such as this, I shut down and then completely internalize the things that were said; leaving me feeling as if I was chopped into itty bitty pieces and those pieces were left for wolves to gobble up.

My Mom made a comment when I was talking with her today that seemed rather appropriate - there has been lots going on in the family lately (much of which hasn't even made it onto my blog since it's not all of my information to share) and it feels as if we are slowly being pecked to death by ducks.  I know that there are lots of tragic situations happening all around the world but my family has been faced with lots of trials and tribulation this year and we are all just ready for it to just stop.  Just a few of the things that have occurred is - finding yesterday that one of my dearest high school friends has been diagnosed with some weird type of lung cancer, one of my nephews this morning had to go to the hospital with a touch of baby pneumonia and this past week my Grandma was in the hospital due to a bug she picked up.  I have heard all of the sayings - "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," "God doesn't give you more than you can handle," "when God closes a door, he opens a window," etc. but at this point, I just want to throw my hands up and say, "enough is enough already!  I am stronger, I can't handle anymore and I am ready to jump out of said window...."

I think what makes all of this worse (or at least makes it seem worse) is feeling as if my conference from two weeks ago, feels as if it was a lifetime ago.  From enjoying time with my friend, her family, and learning the things I did, it really was one of those "mountain top experiences" and it granted me the opportunity to see things about myself in a different perspective.  The trouble with said "mountain top experience" is they can leave you extremely vulnerable to either falling or being pushed off the top of the mountain; only to get badly hurt/injured as you fall down the side of the mountain as you can't stop the momentum once it's been started.  Because of what's occurred at work this past week, I feel as if I haven't yet come to a stop after being pushed by my boss off the mountain top and I haven't been able to ascertain what my injuries are yet...

Well, my dear readers, as I attempt to gather my muchness in preparation for whatever challenges I may face this week, I should probably bring this to a close.  I know that I have at least two days of inspection this week, am short staffed due to a staff member calling out with her son being sick, dance class, a staff meeting, choir practice and all the while attempting to keep my sanity - we'll see how well all of that works...  If it doesn't end up working, I would like my straight jacket to be fuchsia with sparkles on it.  Thanks for joining me; sorry this was kind of a depressing post but I feel as if I needed to get this off my chest...

Conference insights

My conference was a success and I made it back with little incident.  I wrote last week about one of my ears getting clogged from travel - well I ended up with both ears plugged and while taking a decongestant has helps, my ears aren't completely unplugged yet.  I hate being sick and I am definitely ready to stop having it sound as if I'm underwater.

While at the conference, I learned a lot about myself - about how I look at/go about solving problems, the dos/don'ts of communicating with me, how to view conversations with staff, and what some of my possible "blind spots" might be (things I need to know about myself but might not be able to see when I'm in the middle of those situations).  Going back to work this week, I am hoping to remember some of the things I learned and apply them to the type of management style I inspire to embrace.  I know that I still have a lot to learn and am glad that the instructor said that she would like to keep in touch with me and one of fellow participants in the class asked if he could mentor me - which I agreed to.

I do feel a little bit refreshed after being away from work for a week but it does make me a little stressed about heading into work tomorrow.  Staff reached out to me via text/email while I was gone and it does make me wonder about some of the things that I might be walking into tomorrow.  I know that it is what it is but it does make me a little concerned.  Being away for a work conference I still feel compelled to check my work email several times a day, even though there is often nothing I can do from where I am.

One of the challenges from going to a work conference is finding the balance of the sharing of information when you go back to work.  I have to remember that even though there is some information that I'm going to want to share or new things that I'd like to implement that the other staff members didn't attend the conference so I can't overwhelm them with too much too fast.  I also need to find a way to let the staff know that yes, I gathered good information about myself and some of it I may not feel comfortable sharing with them and I think that's an okay thing.  Some of the information that was included in the booklet I received from answering the pre-coursework questions was scarily accurate and they don't necessarily need to be privy to that information.

Not only did I learn things about myself at this conference but I learned some tools that I am hoping will help make me a better manager.  In the two-day course I was in, we learned the importance of looking at staff at where they are in regards to each particular task - for example, they might be an "expert" when it comes to planning activities for teens but a "beginner" when it comes to planning activities for preschoolers - and they can't be seen as overall "experts" or "beginners."  Managers, and people in general, tend to look at staff as being overall "experts" or "beginners" and that not only leaves the manager frustrated but it also frustrates the staff.  I know that I have a bad habit of doing this more often than I should with my staff and I have felt on more than one occasion that my boss does it to me as well (think of it as also saying someone is an "A" student in everything because they usually get "A's;" okay, just because someone usually gets "A's" in English doesn't automatically grant them all "A's" in Political Science).

I also enjoyed spending time with my friend's family members.  Even though I went into the interactions with trepidation, I found myself enjoying meeting them.  In saying good-byes to both of them, they both told me that if I'm ever in the area again, I am supposed to look them up and I have a place to stay with them.  I was touched that after meeting them for such a short time that not only did they welcome me into their homes but the fact that they invited me back if I'm there again.  It was also wonderful to spend time with my friend again and it's sad that we probably won't see one another (unless something comes up) for another year.

Well my dear readers, I should probably bring this to a close so I can make sure I have everything together for going back to work tomorrow.  I should probably also take some more medication in the hopes my ears will completely unplug one of these days and I'll stop feeling as if I'm under water.  Thank you for joining me along my journey.  I hope you have the opportunity to embrace something as your own this upcoming week.  =)

More introvert challenges

So I'm trying to figure out what time it is....  I am traveling for work this week and my body/brain are very confused with that is going on.  I had to wake up VERY early my time (3 am) in order to get up, get ready and head to the airport.  I had booked a taxi online which I thought was a good idea but it ended up being a HUGE mistake.  When I made the booking, it didn't give me the opportunity to say where I needed to be dropped off and when the taxi arrived and saw my luggage, the taxi driver said that he wasn't an airport taxi and that he could get me close to the airport but couldn't drop me off at the terminal.  He also said that he had been trying to call me and when I asked what number he called (since I didn't get a call), he got offended that I even asked the question.  He ended up dropping me off down the street from the terminal (and this is at 4 am) and seemed to be annoyed that I didn't really tip.  Normally I am a very good tipper but I didn't appreciate how he was speaking to me, nor did I appreciate having to walk down the dark street with my suitcase because he refused to drop me off at the airport.

Anyway, the rest of my travel day was pretty uneventful and I made it to the conference location (I even successfully rode the transit system in order to get from the airport to the hotel which I am pretty impressed about).  I met up with a friend of mine and we went out to dinner with one of her family member's who lives here.  I didn't necessarily want to go to the dinner (I just wanted to relax after my travel day) but she convinced me to go.  Her uncle is a very nice gentleman, he paid for dinner and paid for our ride back from his place to the hotel (so I really can't complain).

After my day of travel, the noise of it all and one of my ears is plugged from traveling, I just need time to have thing stop moving and to be quiet.  There is going to be a lot of hustle and bustle over the next few days at the conference (Monday - Thursday AM and then Thursday PM is travel back) and I know that I am going to end up completely on empty.  My friend has made plans with family/friends almost every night we are here and she has told me that I'm basically going with.  I know it will be good for me to support her in these endeavors but it does make me nervous.  While I have been definitely looking forward to this conference and time with my friend (who I haven't seen in a year) but I'm still trying to wrap my head around spending all of this time "performing."

I know that I can be perceived as a contradiction since I am very much so an introvert who selectively does things that makes it seem as if I am an extrovert (i.e. belly dancing).  When I'm dancing, I truly do enjoy it and I am able to radiate the way dancing makes me feel however it takes everything out of me to do so and I am left exhausted when it's all said and done.  What I am starting to realize is I'm just going to have to learn to embrace this about myself since most people don't understand feeling this way - that I enjoy allowing my muchness to show and my freak flag to fly but I do these things for myself not necessarily for others.

Well, my dear readers, there is more that I could write about tonight but I do need to bring this to a close in order to get some sleep and get my head wrapped around this time change in order to attend the start of the conference in the morning.  I hope you are able to let your freak flags fly and to show your muchness!  =)

Introvert challenges

This past week was whirlwind of challenges and emotions for me.  It started out with a confrontational situation last Sunday that had to do with work that left me feeling exhausted.  Through work, we had to deal with another department where something got messed up and I had to deal with it.  On my day off, I had to go into their building, deal with someone at the service desk (who didn't introduce herself, nor was she wearing her name tag) and I called her on her attitude when dealing with me.  On Monday, I got a call from her direct supervisor to find out what happened.  I filled her in and within 30 minutes, I had an apology email from the employee I had to deal with in person.  Did that email completely rectify things?  No.  But I was glad that I was able to bring the situation to light and hopefully keep something similar from happening to someone else.

I had another situation come up at work where I stood up for myself in a conversation with my boss.  I wasn't completing a particular task to her timetable (even though it was going to be completed before it was needed) and when she asked me about it, she asked me (in what I felt was a condescending tone) what she could personally remove from my plate in order to get this task accomplished.  I definitely don't like to be talked down to nor do I like it being made to seem as if I'm not going to complete a task by the deadline - so I called her on it.

Most people wouldn't see either of these interactions as particularly overwhelming or exhausting but as an introvert (and someone who is very introverted), I find situations such as this very taxing.  I realize that not everyone understands how I can be introverted when I'm a belly dancer and I wear wild/colorful/patterned clothing and have colored/crazy hair, but how I feel inside and how people closest to me know me, I am an introvert.  I came across an online group this week for introverts and I joined it - it's nice to know that there are people out there who feel like I do, who "get" me, and yet I'll never have to interact in person with them!  There is a comfort in that fact.  There is also a comfort in realizing how many of my immediate family are also introverts or have introvert tendencies.

This past week, I also had to complete some pre-coursework for a conference/training I'm headed to next week and it left me feeling pretty low.  I am taking a course at this upcoming conference/training which allows managers to see what their personality type is and how they can/can't work with other personality types.  In the pre-coursework, we were supposed to answer questions based on how we see ourselves as a manager and to not overthink the questions/answers but to answer honestly about ourselves.  Naturally, I overthought the questions/answers and at the end of the 25 questions (each question had four parts to it), I felt as if I must come across to people as a cold-hearted robot/witch and that I would rather take over projects because I am a control freak.  I'm not a control freak but I am a major perfectionist and I would rather just do a task/project myself vs. entrusting someone else to do it -- maybe that does make me a control freak, I don't know...

One of the great things I got to do happened today - one of my all time favorite movies was playing at the movie theatre and I took the entire afternoon to go and watch/enjoy it.  I love the movie "Gone With the Wind" and even though I spent most of my day on it, I think it was just how I needed to spend my time.  I don't always take the opportunities to do things for me and even though I had a dance performance Friday after work and another one that took most of my day yesterday (spent almost 5 hours driving to and from the location for 15 minutes on stage) but when I found out that "Gone With the Wind" would be playing, even on this busy weekend, I knew that I wanted to take the time for me to enjoy it.  I think some of the reasons I enjoy it so much is I can relate to Scarlett, have a Mom who embraces Mammy at times, was married to a man like Ashley (even though I need someone like Rhett) and I draw strength from being around family/home.

Well, my dear readers, I have quite a bit to accomplish at work in this upcoming week as I will be out of the building all next week for travel, so I should probably bring this to a close in order to prepare for the week ahead.  I know it is also going to be hectic as I am short staffed and the kids go back to school this week which always adds a different dimension to how they act (but after 8 weeks of summer programming, the staff and myself are SO ready for the kids to go back to school!).  I hope you embrace opportunities for you this week and thank you for joining me along my journey!  =)

Frustration levels

I am realizing that this past week became more about survival at work rather than me enjoying some of the things that happened.  I think this was bound to happen at this point in the summer as we just finished week seven of summer programming; I have put in approximately 430 hours at work (and that doesn't count the amount of work I have put in at home) and I am ready for this next week and a half to be done and over with.  Just to put it into perspective, "normal" full-time for these last seven weeks would have given me 280 hours.  Yes, summer coming to an end provides new sets of challenges as we roll into the beginning of the school year and are understaffed but it will end up working one way or another...

One of the things that I have been struggling with lately is my boss taking credit for things that I do when they go well but criticizing me when things don't go well.  I don't know why it should overly surprise me because it's been going on for quite some time now but that doesn't mean I have to like it or that it's not going to frustrate me.  Maybe it's just too reminiscent of group projects from school which an introvert such as myself always hated being forced into participating in with the result me doing the bulk of the work and everyone in the group "earning" the same grade that I did - I always found that to be extremely frustrating.  In a couple of weeks I will be attending a work conference where I'm slated to attend a two-day training on working with different personality types - maybe this will help my frustration levels since they are at an all time high.

Another reason I'm looking forward to going to this particular conference is I'll be meeting up with a good friend of mine who lives/works on the opposite coast and I am looking forward to seeing her again.  She and her family used to live here and she and I worked together.  We started forming our friendship right after the wasband and I split and she would eat my blue m&m's for me (I don't eat blue things).  Yes, she and I have a weird friendship but she gets me for me and I appreciate her for that.  We'll be in a different learning track but we'll be able to meet up in our "off time" to catch up.  It'll be nice to have someone to spend time with who gets me who isn't family.

There was a situation at my apartment this week that almost ended in disaster...  I put my dogs on leash to let them out for the last time for the evening, I opened the door and in the bush right outside my door was a skunk!  Luckily my dogs were on retractable leashes and I could haul their little butts back in the apartment and slam the door before the skunk sprayed.  We unfortunately had to still go outside for them to do their evening business but it was the quickest potty break they have ever done so that was a bonus.  Another bonus is that I have a air purifier right inside my apartment so I just turned it to the maximum setting and had it set on that for a day and a half so the scent could dissipate.  It was not a fun situation but it definitely could have been a whole lot worse!

This upcoming week isn't going to just be busy at work but at the dance studio as well.  We have two performances this week one on Friday that's here locally and one on Saturday that's approximately and hour and a half drive (one way) from here.  We're doing the same dances at both gigs but we can wear different costumes to the shows.  And then next weekend, we're performing again at a local festival where I've been invited to solo.  I'm slightly nervous about the solo but I'm sure that all will be well - at all of the performances.

Well my dear readers, since I have a busy week at work and dance, I should probably think about bringing this to a close, get myself together for the week ahead (or at least tomorrow) and heading to bed.  I hope that you have a week ahead where you can be yourselves with the least amount of drama/frustration as possible for you.  Thanks for joining me!  =)