There are times that I wish I could just make things stop. I wish I could stop the chaos at work. I wish I could stop the crazy at the dance studio. I wish I could stop the pressures I put on myself. Since that makes three wishes, I'm going to stop there - I also want to stop because I don't want it to seem as if I'm feeling overly sorry for myself...
At work, we just finished week 6 of 8 of summer programming and I ended up working Monday - Saturday for approximately a 72.5 hour work week. Boy am I tired... I know not sleeping well is also and attributing factor but I know a lot of being tired is from just too much. I have had a certain friend this past week tell me that she can't help me anymore if I don't get my depression under control and I responded to her that I don't feel as if I'm depressed but that I am suffering from burnout. Now I'm not an expert, so there may be some depression involved but I think the bulk of what I have going on is burnout. I have heard before that burnout comes when someone who executes tasks with passion and they push themselves beyond the point of having anything left to give they experience burnout. I feel as if that is where I am.
When I was talking with my Mom today, she and I came to the realization that in no area of my life do I have the opportunity to just "coast" or that I'm not being called upon in one way or another to be the "expert." Because of this, I don't have the opportunity to "switch off," relax and to help avoid the burnout. I'm also so busy picking up the work of others that I don't seem to have time to breathe at times let alone get the tasks accomplished that are my responsibility. There are times I wish I had the opportunity to tell people, "you are the weakest link, goodbye!" and either have them disappear through some sort of a trapdoor or to be able to have a robot with a laser take care of them (thanks, Doctor Who for that idea). Maybe I will just have to work on having that as a metal image in those situations I find myself in since I can't actually make it happen...
This past week, while I was driving home after a very long day at work, a song came on the radio that I had never heard before but it resonated with me down to my core. It's been awhile since I've come across a song like that and luckily I was at a red light so I could grab my phone and figure out what song it was. The song is called "Stand in the Light" and it is by the artist Jordan Smith. The song itself is powerful but then I searched for and watched the music video when I got home and I was almost moved to tears. In the song it says, "stand in the light and be seen as we are," which is something that we all (me included) struggle with at times. It's nice to have the song as a reminder and it has already found it's way onto my music playlist.
I think because I've been busy/stressed/burned out, I haven't made myself as much of a priority. Granted, I have started to get my hair colored again (which has been lots of fun) as well as I've been getting my nails done. I got my nails done this past Saturday and the color I picked the nail technician tried to talk me out of because it's not a color they use often but it's a lot of fun - it's a hot pink color and it definitely stands out. A saying I came across that I am going to work on embracing is "stand up and own who you are." This is something I am going to work on and I am going to find a way somehow to make myself a priority.
With this process, Mom and I thought something that might help is finding a situation where I wouldn't be seen as an "expert" and I can just relax into the moment. As a perfectionist, I would have to leave that at the door, but I do think it would be good for me overall. One of the situations I've considered is attending one of those wine/painting nights and go into it realizing that I'm going to end up with a bad painting but at least I'll get a drink or two out of it. But I do think it would be beneficial in the long run (even if someone would be telling me, "you are the weakest link, goodbye!").
Since I have another long week ahead, I should probably bring this to a close and attempt to get some sleep tonight. I'm not sure how well that's going to go but I'm going to give it my best effort. Thanks for joining me, my dear readers and I hope you don't have anyone telling you, "you are the weakest link, goodbye!" and if you do, just smile and be who you are! =)
Sunday, July 17, 2016
Sunday, July 10, 2016
Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda.....
This past week I determined that while 3-day weekends are nice, they are just enough to throw everything off. The biggest thing with a 3-day weekend is, you have four days to cram five days worth of work (I ended up working approximately 52 hours in four days - and I still didn't feel as if I got everything I should have accomplished). I know one of my problems is I feel as if I'm still focusing on achieving tasks perfectly rather than just accomplishing them but it is something that I'm trying to work on. One of the things I'm trying to do is keep a better "to do" list for things to achieve throughout the week and I'm hoping that it will help keep me on task at work.
There are times I question how thin I spread myself on a regular basis and wonder how much of "me" I lose in the process every time I stretch myself even thinner (by the way, I wish stretching myself thin in this sense actually worked in changing my physical appearance but that's a different topic...). Not only do I have the amount of work I attempt to tackle each week (and this upcoming week, I get to work Saturday too for a parent's date afternoon/evening...), I have dance, thankfully choir is taking the month of July off but I have been asked to solo one Sunday, I have a week-long conference coming up next month, and I don't know how to say "no" to any of it. One of the things I would like to say "no" to is singing at church, not because I don't necessarily want to do it, but I don't have the time to put into preparing for it. I need to decide in the next day or two if I'm going to solo and even though I don't want to disappoint anyone, I need to make the best decision for me.
This next week at work, we are entering week 6 of summer programming and the theme is "sports." While I know next to nothing about sports, I have been asked to bring in some of my dance stuff (swords included) to introduce belly dance as an "alternative sport." I am excited to introduce them to the other side of me by showing my dance items however, I am a little nervous on how it's going to come across. Not only am I nervous about showing them some of the dance stuff, I am also nervous about taking the swords in - I am going to be as safe as possible and I'm going to cap the tips but you just never know what might happen.
At the dance studio the other night, we did a breathing/visualization exercise that left me with some more frustrations than relaxation. We were instructed to lie on our backs while the instructor led us through quieting our breathing and visualizing a cube moving in different directions starting from our core. After the exercise, my instructor asked me how I was doing since I had been quiet through the class. Because I couldn't think of any other way to explain it, I said, to put it in perspective, my box was covered with spikes.
I don't necessarily do well with these types of visualization exercises because they allow my brain to wonder to all of the things I need to accomplish, am behind on, "should be" doing, have screwed up on, etc. These are the reasons why I don't do well with yoga either I think. Even though I struggle with these things, it might not be a bad thing for me to try and overcome. Rather than focusing on the "wrongs" or "errors," it might be an opportunity for me to examine the situation, say "yes, this was the result" and then move on from it. We'll see if that might be a better alternative for me...
To add yet another monkey wrench into things, I just got a text from a staff member telling me that they are still sick (she went home early on Thursday and was off on Friday) and she won't be coming in tomorrow and who knows when she'll be in next. She is planning on going to the doctor tomorrow and giving me a note that says when she'll be better enough to come in. I'm kind of surprised that she needs more time off since all she told me is that she was getting chills and had an upset stomach. I'm not exactly sure how much time off of work that warrants but I guess I'll see from whatever note I get tomorrow.
I guess one of the things that frustrates me is that I'm one who powers through being sick and come to work regardless. I realize that not everyone has that same mentality but when you work in a setting like we do where children depend on you being there (we are required to meet certain ratios of staff to children), it makes it really difficult when someone calls out sick. Granted, depending on what she has, it's probably better that she stays home and I suppose I should give her the benefit of the doubt and find out what her doctor is telling her before I get too nuts over the situation - but I find that difficult.
Well, my dear readers, I have once again given myself some things to think about and work on so I should probably sign off so I can somehow prepare myself for the week ahead. I want to challenge myself to look at the bigger picture when I find myself questioning decisions made or how an aspect of my job was completed (or why it might not have been completed) - is it something that I can learn from or do I just need to move on from that situation? Things to think about anyway. Thanks for joining me along my quest! =)
There are times I question how thin I spread myself on a regular basis and wonder how much of "me" I lose in the process every time I stretch myself even thinner (by the way, I wish stretching myself thin in this sense actually worked in changing my physical appearance but that's a different topic...). Not only do I have the amount of work I attempt to tackle each week (and this upcoming week, I get to work Saturday too for a parent's date afternoon/evening...), I have dance, thankfully choir is taking the month of July off but I have been asked to solo one Sunday, I have a week-long conference coming up next month, and I don't know how to say "no" to any of it. One of the things I would like to say "no" to is singing at church, not because I don't necessarily want to do it, but I don't have the time to put into preparing for it. I need to decide in the next day or two if I'm going to solo and even though I don't want to disappoint anyone, I need to make the best decision for me.
This next week at work, we are entering week 6 of summer programming and the theme is "sports." While I know next to nothing about sports, I have been asked to bring in some of my dance stuff (swords included) to introduce belly dance as an "alternative sport." I am excited to introduce them to the other side of me by showing my dance items however, I am a little nervous on how it's going to come across. Not only am I nervous about showing them some of the dance stuff, I am also nervous about taking the swords in - I am going to be as safe as possible and I'm going to cap the tips but you just never know what might happen.
At the dance studio the other night, we did a breathing/visualization exercise that left me with some more frustrations than relaxation. We were instructed to lie on our backs while the instructor led us through quieting our breathing and visualizing a cube moving in different directions starting from our core. After the exercise, my instructor asked me how I was doing since I had been quiet through the class. Because I couldn't think of any other way to explain it, I said, to put it in perspective, my box was covered with spikes.
I don't necessarily do well with these types of visualization exercises because they allow my brain to wonder to all of the things I need to accomplish, am behind on, "should be" doing, have screwed up on, etc. These are the reasons why I don't do well with yoga either I think. Even though I struggle with these things, it might not be a bad thing for me to try and overcome. Rather than focusing on the "wrongs" or "errors," it might be an opportunity for me to examine the situation, say "yes, this was the result" and then move on from it. We'll see if that might be a better alternative for me...
To add yet another monkey wrench into things, I just got a text from a staff member telling me that they are still sick (she went home early on Thursday and was off on Friday) and she won't be coming in tomorrow and who knows when she'll be in next. She is planning on going to the doctor tomorrow and giving me a note that says when she'll be better enough to come in. I'm kind of surprised that she needs more time off since all she told me is that she was getting chills and had an upset stomach. I'm not exactly sure how much time off of work that warrants but I guess I'll see from whatever note I get tomorrow.
I guess one of the things that frustrates me is that I'm one who powers through being sick and come to work regardless. I realize that not everyone has that same mentality but when you work in a setting like we do where children depend on you being there (we are required to meet certain ratios of staff to children), it makes it really difficult when someone calls out sick. Granted, depending on what she has, it's probably better that she stays home and I suppose I should give her the benefit of the doubt and find out what her doctor is telling her before I get too nuts over the situation - but I find that difficult.
Well, my dear readers, I have once again given myself some things to think about and work on so I should probably sign off so I can somehow prepare myself for the week ahead. I want to challenge myself to look at the bigger picture when I find myself questioning decisions made or how an aspect of my job was completed (or why it might not have been completed) - is it something that I can learn from or do I just need to move on from that situation? Things to think about anyway. Thanks for joining me along my quest! =)
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