This past week I had a disturbing conversation with someone about regrets. The reason I found this particular conversation disturbing is because they were trying to tell me the things in my life they felt I was going to regret someday. Of course, the first thing that they mentioned is my tattoos (especially the one that takes up almost the entire inside of my left forearm). When I asked them why they felt like I was going to regret it someday, they said because they just see tattoos as a fad and one day I'm going to "wake up" and realize that. I thanked them for their opinion and reminded them that getting the tattoo was my decision and I have personal reasons for doing so. They then tried to bring up me one day regretting getting divorced. At that point, I had to excuse myself from the conversation...
The individual who I was having this conversation with didn't know me during the time of my divorce or any of the details surrounding the divorce itself. Because of this, I didn't feel as if I needed to discuss any aspect of my divorce with them. I don't know if that was the best action for me to take but it's the decision I made and I stick to it. I just didn't feel the need to justify anything about that period of my life to them when they weren't there during it. They didn't know the reason for the divorce or the things in my life that lead up to it.
After the conversation about regrets, it did put me in a dark place for a little bit but I decided that I didn't want to stay there. I have reached the point where I'm done letting the divorce and everything that went with it define me. Yes, I know I have written about this concept before but I'm saying it again I guess in the hopes that I stick to it this time. I'm realizing that I need to figure out new things to define myself and move on from this entire situation. I guess how I need to look at the situation in front of me along the lines of what I wrote about last week - I need to take things one step at a time. If I don't, I'm going to see the impossible task of climbing the mountain ahead of me and I've honestly been at that point for too long.
I'm not saying that I'm ready to just jump out there and date/remarry tomorrow but I am ready to learn how to be comfortable with just being me. I'm not entirely sure what all that entails but I'm ready to really work on that level of comfortability. I have never been truly comfortable in my own skin and I am definitely my own worst enemy when it comes to what I see when I look in the mirror. What I want to explore is why I do that. I've done it for as long as I can remember and I while I've always known it's not a good thing, I'm realizing the damage I'm causing myself in doing so. If I have a regret, this would have to be the biggest one I guess.
I regret being so hard on myself for so long. I know that I don't have to like all of the things about myself all of the time but I don't have to constantly pick myself apart. This is going to be something I really work on in the upcoming months (because I know there is no way it's going to be an overnight fix). If, not if, when I have setbacks, I also want to not beating myself up so much because I know in this situation it will be counterproductive. It's definitely going to be a process but I know in my heart that it's something that I really need to do. I need to reclaim my muchness for me. Not for anyone else - but for me.
Well, my dear readers, I have given myself a lot to think about and honestly this post didn't go anywhere tonight that I necessarily thought it was going to so I think I'm going to bring it to a close for this evening. I hope that you have a great week my dears and that I have some things more solidified to write about to you next week. Love and luck along whatever journey life leads you down in this upcoming week! =)
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Climbing the Mountain
How do you climb a mountain you might ask? One step at a time. When I was talking with my Mom on the phone today, she told me about a comic that she saw that made her think of me. In the comic strip a dad was talking to his daughter and said, "you're just going to have to approach thing the same way you did on our climb of Kilimanjaro. Simply keep putting one foot in front of the other until there's no mountain left." I often forget this concept when I see insurmountable things in front of me and just focus on their impossibleness. I am going to challenge myself to start seeing them not as impossible but as taking them one step at a time.
This challenge is something I want to extend to work. Two weeks ago I applied for a management position that had opened up and this past week the job was offered to me (and I accepted). After I accepted the position and it was announced, someone congratulated me on being the "big cheese." I laughed and told them that I didn't feel like the 'big cheese' but rather I felt like 'Swiss cheese.' I further explained that I felt like 'Swiss cheese' because there is lots I don't know so there are going to be holes in me for some time until I learn the ropes. I was pretty proud of myself for coming up with that response in the moment since I usually think of those things way after the fact.
While part of me is excited about the new possibilities ahead of me, there is another part of me that is absolutely terrified. I don't like the feeling of not knowing the things I don't know. I realize that there are going to be some things that I have to learn along the way and that I'm not going to be expected to know everything right at the very beginning. But those of you who have been following me for any amount of time (or those of you who know me) know that I don't like feeling inept at all. I guess all I can do is take one day at a time/one situation at a time and remember my 'customer service' skills.
I'm scared that I'm going to be seen as weak or that I can't do the job that's in front of me. There are those around me who have said that they believe in me but that's all I've been told thus far. In my head I know that on paper it says I can do the job. I know that I've also shown those around me that I can do the job (I have been doing most of this particular position for about 4 months or so). Now I just need to work on convincing myself that I can do the job. That's going to be the key for me - proving to myself that I am capable/worthy of this new position. One step at a time.
Today, as a treat for myself, I went to the aquarium. My sister, brother-in-law and two of my nephews bought me a 1-year membership for Christmas and I am very excited about having the opportunity to go whenever I want for the next year. Before Christmas I was toying with the idea of buying a membership for myself but didn't get around to doing it. When my parents asked each of us for a wish list, I put the membership on my list as a last minute addition and honestly didn't expect to get it. Was I ever surprised! I enjoy going to the aquarium but it's been quite some time since I've gone. I got there early today (having a membership comes in handy because they offer early hours for us members) and it was fairly empty. When the main doors opened, however, the place immediately filled up. What's nice about having the membership is I didn't feel obligated to stay when it got busy in order to feel as if I had gotten my money's worth - I can just go back another day and enjoy it some more. Next month on their calendar is going to be a night where the aquarium will be open for a couple of hours at night for members - I think I'm going to try and make that happen to see how things are at night. That sounds like a lot of fun so I hope I can make it.
Tomorrow I have the day off of work (gotta love a three-day weekend!) so we'll see what kind of adventure I get myself into. I know that I have some things on my to-do list but we'll see if I choose to do the things I have to do or if I end up doing things that I want to do. Maybe I'll end up doing a combination of the two - who knows... One thing I'll probably do a little bit of is to come up with a strategy for working on climbing that mountain this week (I know that I don't have to climb it all right away). Best of luck climbing your own mountains, my dear readers! =)
This challenge is something I want to extend to work. Two weeks ago I applied for a management position that had opened up and this past week the job was offered to me (and I accepted). After I accepted the position and it was announced, someone congratulated me on being the "big cheese." I laughed and told them that I didn't feel like the 'big cheese' but rather I felt like 'Swiss cheese.' I further explained that I felt like 'Swiss cheese' because there is lots I don't know so there are going to be holes in me for some time until I learn the ropes. I was pretty proud of myself for coming up with that response in the moment since I usually think of those things way after the fact.
While part of me is excited about the new possibilities ahead of me, there is another part of me that is absolutely terrified. I don't like the feeling of not knowing the things I don't know. I realize that there are going to be some things that I have to learn along the way and that I'm not going to be expected to know everything right at the very beginning. But those of you who have been following me for any amount of time (or those of you who know me) know that I don't like feeling inept at all. I guess all I can do is take one day at a time/one situation at a time and remember my 'customer service' skills.
I'm scared that I'm going to be seen as weak or that I can't do the job that's in front of me. There are those around me who have said that they believe in me but that's all I've been told thus far. In my head I know that on paper it says I can do the job. I know that I've also shown those around me that I can do the job (I have been doing most of this particular position for about 4 months or so). Now I just need to work on convincing myself that I can do the job. That's going to be the key for me - proving to myself that I am capable/worthy of this new position. One step at a time.
Today, as a treat for myself, I went to the aquarium. My sister, brother-in-law and two of my nephews bought me a 1-year membership for Christmas and I am very excited about having the opportunity to go whenever I want for the next year. Before Christmas I was toying with the idea of buying a membership for myself but didn't get around to doing it. When my parents asked each of us for a wish list, I put the membership on my list as a last minute addition and honestly didn't expect to get it. Was I ever surprised! I enjoy going to the aquarium but it's been quite some time since I've gone. I got there early today (having a membership comes in handy because they offer early hours for us members) and it was fairly empty. When the main doors opened, however, the place immediately filled up. What's nice about having the membership is I didn't feel obligated to stay when it got busy in order to feel as if I had gotten my money's worth - I can just go back another day and enjoy it some more. Next month on their calendar is going to be a night where the aquarium will be open for a couple of hours at night for members - I think I'm going to try and make that happen to see how things are at night. That sounds like a lot of fun so I hope I can make it.
Tomorrow I have the day off of work (gotta love a three-day weekend!) so we'll see what kind of adventure I get myself into. I know that I have some things on my to-do list but we'll see if I choose to do the things I have to do or if I end up doing things that I want to do. Maybe I'll end up doing a combination of the two - who knows... One thing I'll probably do a little bit of is to come up with a strategy for working on climbing that mountain this week (I know that I don't have to climb it all right away). Best of luck climbing your own mountains, my dear readers! =)
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