Back to reality...

Well, my dear readers, I am back to writing in my "natural habitat" as my vacation came to an end...  While I was on vacation, I feel as if I found some parts of me that have been lost/buried for I don't know how long.  I think some of finding those pieces had something to do with the permission I gave myself while I was there.  Because I was visiting family, I didn't feel as if I had pressures to act a certain way or be anyone other than myself (it's a good thing my family has always encouraged us to express who we are since I ended up with a very unique hairstyle while there and a new arm tattoo as well).

I think part of the relief that comes from being on vacation is there was very little "expected" of me while I was there.  I didn't have a set time to wake up each day (although it was about the same time each day that I woke up and it was usually just before one of my nephews - who my Mom watches - was dropped off each morning).  I didn't have a schedule to follow for most of the days I was there (I had two dance workshop days, a "date" to take my 5.5 year old nephew to the zoo, and two days I got together with my sister - one of those days was the day I got my tattoo).  It was just a wonderful opportunity to be "me" and not be judged for it.

I guess one of the things I'll have to remember as I head back into "reality" tomorrow is that feeling of being me.  As I venture forth into the day to day of work and dance and everything else I feel like I need to do I need to be me while I accomplish all of these things.  If people don't like me, I need to stop feeling the need to justify myself or explain myself and just let that freak flag of mine fly.  If I hide myself away (as I feel I've been doing), it's going to be more and more difficult to remember that feeling of freedom and all of the stress of the world I place on myself will come crashing back.  I don't know that I necessarily want that to happen again...

When I was visiting with family, I had the opportunity to have some really good conversations with my parents (the three of us together and then individually - just me and my Mom and just me and my Dad). During these conversations, some things were put into a different perspective for me and they also gave me some things to think about.  One such conversation even provided Dad with the opportunity to use one of his famous quotes -- "isn't it fun to be a grown up?"  My response?  It all depends on the day...  As I think about some of the different viewpoints they offered up, some of it may end up on here -- I guess it all depends on where my quest leads me...

There are times I do feel bad/guilty for always using my parents as a sounding board but that's what happens when I don't really feel as if I have anyone else I can talk to.  I'm thinking that I might end up using this as a forum to look at different sides of situations and not just dumping it on them all the time. Yes, they read what I write but they won't have to hear me whining so much over the phone.  ;)   [love you guys!!]

After looking at the clock, I think it's time I should bring this to a close since I'm back to work very early tomorrow morning and I'm sure that I'll have a full day after being gone for two weeks.  Once again, dear readers, thanks for letting me ramble on and I hope your week presents you with the opportunity to let your freak flags fly and to show your muchness to the world (and I write that for myself as well!).

Say something hat...

I had an epiphany this past week...  I have watched the movie "To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Numar" I don't know how many times and I just now understood one of the lines.  I now have an understanding of what it meant when Vida (Patrick Swayze) said, "Tomorrow I think I'll wear a say something hat!"  I don't have a "say something hat," however, I decided to get a "say something haircut" which is different than any other haircut I have ever had.  My Mom and I have been talking about my hair; what I like about it and what I really haven't liked about it (I have had variations of the same hairstyle for the last 10 years or so and I have decided that it has made me look/feel older than I actually am).  Mom found a picture of a hairstyle and before she showed it to me gave me a disclaimer of her own saying, "Now this hairstyle is really funky and you wouldn't have to go this funky if you don't want to but it's an idea for you to think about..."  When she showed me the photo, I fell in love with it!  The next day, I took the photo to a hair salon and they were only too happy to give me the cut/style that I asked for.  I think it has surprised people (and it will continue to do so I think because not everyone has seen it yet and I am playing around with adding different temporary colors to it) but I still love it! ("I think that's heathy" -- movie quote)

I think this new (and very different) hairstyle for me has definitely helped allow me to let my freak flag fly.  Looking back now, I am very glad that I didn't listen to the quiet voice inside that was saying "but what if people don't like it?  Are you sure you want to go that far outside your comfort zone?"  My sister actually sent me something today that goes along with that - "move out of your comfort zone.  You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and you try something new."  Since I started my campaign of letting my own freak flag fly, I am attempting to give myself that permission to go outside my comfort zone and say "so what!" if people may not approve of something that I do.  Yes, there are still times where I may question some decision and wonder if other people may approve but I need to learn to make those types of decisions for me and me alone.

I think that if I can start to make decisions (and stick by those decisions - not necessarily feeling as if I need to justify them), I can remove some of the stress from my life (or at least enough to help me be able to sleep at night).  This past week of being on vacation has left me with lots of opportunities to put this into practice.  If I've wanted to do something, I've done it.  If I've wanted to swim, I jump in the pool.  If I've wanted to take a nap, I've done so.  Now with doing all of this, I haven't felt as if I've needed to ask permission of anyone or that I've really had to justify my decisions/actions and I think that might have a great deal with how I'm sleeping at night.  I have averaged probably about just over 7 hours of sleep every night [and granted, some of that might be because I've been spending so much time in the pool and helping to look after one of my 1 year old nephews and I took one full day and spent it with my 5.5 year old nephew -- not that I'm trying to justify my sleep patterns ;) ] and that's way more sleep than I usually get.  This is maybe something that I need to incorporate into my day to day routine when my vacation comes to an end but we'll see if I'll be able to continue that pattern or not.

I know that I shouldn't bring work home with me (not the things I may bring home and work on but the stressors from the day) and that would help my inability to sleep at night I think.  I am the only one who can change that and I think that's going to have to be something that I look at as each day comes to a close.  "Did I do my best with everything I did today?  If there was something I would change, is worrying about it going to help or do I just need to go in with a new/different attitude and accomplish it the next day?"  Only time (and effort) will see if this new perception may help out my sleep patterns any.

Well, speaking of sleep patterns, my dear readers, I think it might be that time to bring this to a close yet again.  I hope we all have opportunities to let our freak flags fly and to do so without limiting ourselves with worrying what others might say/think.  Best of luck to us all!