Words, words, words

I decided something about myself this week -- I really, REALLY don't like the phrase "make sure everyone's on the same page."  The same page as what?  The mystical guide book that holds all of life's secrets and keeps you from getting lost?  The book that, even if it doesn't give you all the answers, at least helps to keep you from screwing things up too badly along your way?  I didn't receive my copy of that book if they were handed out to everyone - I must have been absent that day...  Where would one get a copy of that book/manual in order for me to be able to get on the proverbial page that everyone else is on?  I know that I've written before that I don't want to have the opportunity to see into the future or to have all of the answers but there would be time it would be nice to not feel so confused/lost...

I know that phrase has become a common one both in and out of the workplace and I'm not entirely sure why it bothers me as much as it does.  Maybe one of the reasons that it bothers me so much is the phrase is all to often used when there is no page involved.  It's a phrase worked into conversation (especially during or in reference to meetings I've found) when there is nothing put in writing thus making it very difficult to be on any page at all.

Why are some people so afraid to put things down on paper?  Are they scared/worried that those written words might get out at some point?  I'm asking because I'm not one who understands that - I write a public blog!  Even before I started writing my blog, I was one who loved (and still do) to write notes/letters to people and I've never been shy about putting my thoughts/feelings out there for people to read about.  I still have old journals that I wrote in so I could revisit those thoughts (some of it has made for some very interesting reading depending on what point in my life I was writing them).  Maybe one of the reasons this bothers me so much is it subconsciously makes me think about the wasband.  He was never one to write notes/love letters unless persuaded to do so and that bothered me.  Granted, I probably would have hidden them away or destroyed them all at this point but that's beside the point...

I guess at this point, I just have to keep reminding myself that all of this boils down to perception.  I see it as, when things aren't written down, there is room to take what people say and interpret what they say the way that you want to.  When things are put onto paper, it limits the amount of wiggle room that can happen.  I know that it might be scary for some to put thoughts/expectations/words onto paper but I think that it would be helpful for it to happen in lots of different situations...

Okay...  Time to be done with that train of thought.  On the plus side, I can now say that I'm an official belly dance instructor and I have my own class.  A number of weeks ago, my dance instructor asked me if I would like to take over her Saturday classes as my own and I taught my first class yesterday.  There were a total of seven students (three newbies, two who have been taking lessons from my instructor and two troupe members who came to support me).  The three new gals said that they'll be back next week but we'll see if they come back (hopefully I didn't scare them off!).  I think it was a fun class and hopefully I'll be able to keep that up in the weeks to come.

Well, on that note, I'm going to bring this to a close for the evening and get some work done before heading to bed.  Fingers crossed that I'll be able to get back on track on working on my muchness in the upcoming week...  I wish that for you as well, dear readers.  Embrace your muchness!  =)

Stronger

This past week started out like every other week by me going to work and thinking that it would be uneventful.  That's where I made my first error....  This past week left me exhausted from all of the running around I needed to do on a daily basis (people called in sick to work which left us with an even tighter schedule than we originally thought).  One day I also ended up working all day with a migraine (which I don't know if it was stress induced, allergy induced or a combination of the two) which was definitely no fun but I survived the day so I guess I can place that in the accomplishment column.  I guess each day that something like this happens shows me that I'm even stronger than I think I am...

With everything that's happened over the last number of years, I don't know why that always seems to surprise me but it does.  Maybe it'll help when I just embrace that concept rather than feeling as if I'm fighting against it all the time.  I know that I'm a strong person and that I always have been so I don't know why I might question that part of me.  Some of that might come from feeling as if other people question me so that causes me to question myself.  One of the goals that I am really going to work on is to not let what others think about me cause me to doubt myself or to change who I am.

I think one of the things that stops me from working on this goal is that I really don't necessarily like to rock the boat.  Yes, there are times that I might talk a "big game" but I often work towards just wanting to fit in.  At this point in my life, maybe I need to realize that there might be a part of me that isn't satisfied with fitting in and that part of me really wants to stand out.  I think I just might need to work on finding out what that balance looks like for me and while I can ask the opinion of others, I need to decide for myself what that balance is going to be.  One of the things I have to realize for myself is that even I've been a certain way that doesn't have to continue to define me -- I have the opportunity to change into whoever I want to become (I just have to realize who that is).

While thinking about the future, I also am drawn to thoughts of the past.  I had asked my Dad yesterday to send me photos from childhood.  After looking at those pictures and remembering some of them (some of them I don't remember because I was so little), it's interesting to realize that part of who I was then is still inside of me and it's up to me to determine if that side of me is something that I want the world to be...  When I was little, I was fearless (I even was fearless enough to turn the water hose on my Grandfather even after he told me that I'd better not... and I'm still here to write about it!) and somehow along the way I've lost some of that fearlessness.  I know some of it is still there but I'd like to get more of it back if that's possible.

Maybe I'll be able to accomplish this when I work more on finding my muchness.  I worked on it some today when I decided to drive around with the top of my convertible down.  It was a gorgeous day here today and it felt wonderful to drive around with the sun on my skin.  I will have to remember to take time to take drives like this when the weather is this nice again.  I know that there is a possibility of beautiful weather this week but my schedule may not allow nice long drives.  I might just have to drop the top of the car even if it's just on the drive from work to home if nothing else...

Well, unfortunately my allergy medication is wearing off and I'm finding it difficult to breathe.  I think I'm going to take some more and relax a bit before heading to bed.  Have a fabulous week, dear readers, and I hope muchness comes your way!  =)