Why is it that lately I have felt as if I am wandering around in the light looking for a light switch in a room that doesn't have one? I have just felt lost and not even the road map I wrote about last week is helping. Today I got the opportunity to talk to my oldest nephew for a few moments and what he said just about broke my heart.... He told me to get in my car, drive really fast to beat the sun going down and the moon coming up so I could come and eat pizza with him. How do I explain to a 4 1/2 year old why Auntie can't just hop in the car and drive to see him when she lives 30+ hours by car away? I told him that I really wished that I could join him for pizza and to swim with him and have all of the fun that we did when I got to visit but I think he's still waiting for me to show up by car. Just knowing that I can't makes me sad.
Times like this just really makes me wish that I had someone I could curl up on the couch with and either have a good cry or just be held. I just feel like at times I am so busy taking care of others that my wants/needs/desires/emotions get pushed to the wayside in the hopes I will one day be able to take care of myself. Unfortunately, that day just doesn't seem to come. I know, I know. I keep saying that I need to find ways to put myself first but I just don't seem to find the opportunity to do so.
Maybe what I need to do is make a list of all of the "me" things that I enjoy doing and try and fit one thing off of the list every week or every other week. That may or may not be a long shot but it is an attempt to fit some time into my life for myself. And I'm not talking about alone time because there is plenty of time for me to do that... Those times where I'm alone are the times I tend to question if there is more that I could do to help others and I know that's not necessarily healthy for myself. I often push myself beyond my breaking point in order to accomplish what I feel people need from me. Once again I know in my head that I need to find some sort of a way to say "no" when people "need" me. I have to determine what is within the realm of my possibility without just automatically saying that I'll do what I can do help them out.
I know that one of things that I need to realize along this journey of mine is that I am worthy and have the divine right to say that I want/need to take time for myself. That is easier said than done for me and I know that is an internal struggle that I will have to work on for myself in order to make things happen. I have to be my own advocate and that leaves me in unfamiliar territory.
Well, since I seem to be wandering around lost along the back roads of my own mind tonight, I am going to bring this to a close before I keep writing in circles.... To all of those aunties out there, share a piece of pizza with your nephew for me, okay? Please....
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Road map
I was able to accomplish something this past week that I have never done before... I changed a burnt out tail light on my car! A co-worker pointed out that my light was burned out and my first response was I so don't have time to take it to the dealership anytime soon (with my last car, all lights had to be changed at the dealership and the closest dealership to me for my new car is an hour or so away). I checked with Mom who has the same car and she sent me a link to the owner's manual, showing me that I could change the bulb myself. Sure, it made me a little nervous doing it since I have never been that handy when it comes to vehicle maintenance but it did give me a real sense of accomplishment. Granted, this is not something that I want to have to put into practice all the time but I'm glad to have the knowledge in case I ever have to do it again. On the plus side, it was was nicer on my wallet to change the bulb myself rather than taking it to the dealership!
Along with that accomplishment this past week, I have been trying really hard to learn a new dimension of my quest. I am desperately trying to convince myself that I don't have to keep it together at all times or have all of the answers at all times. While this is something that I really do want to work on, I am starting to realize this is easier to do in theory than in actualization -- at least for me it is. There have been more times this week than I want to count where I've had to say, "I don't know/have the answer to that" and while it was an appropriate answer each time, it did leave me feeling a little uneasy. I guess I will just have to work on being okay with not knowing the answer at all times and with finding myself in unfamiliar territory.
I know that unfamiliar territory is all apart of being on a quest but I am a little tired of feeling lost all the time. While I realize I don't want someone to just give me a road map to find the path I'm "supposed" to take but an occasional road sign would be helpful.... Maybe one of the reasons while I feel so lost today is due to an unusual thing that happened this afternoon. Normally when I talk on the phone with my Mom we talk forever and the only reason we get off of the phone is because we realize how long we've actually been talking. Today, even though I had lots that I wanted to talk with her about, there were unusual for us lulls in the conversation and we just didn't have the same "flow" to the conversation as we usually do. I blame myself for that. Like I said, I felt that there was a lot that I wanted to talk with her about but when we were talking it just seemed so insignificant that I didn't bring it up. And that's odd for me.
Yes, there was a point in my life that any response to a conversation with Mom was "whatever" or silence but I don't want to go back to that type of relationship with her. I guess that's one of the things that scares me. So much has changed in my life and I don't want to back pedal in relationships with my family. They are my lifelines to sanity. For as crazy as we have a tendency to make one another at times, they are the ones that I turn to when I need to feel grounded and need a pick-me-up. Maybe that's what happens when you come from a close-knit family. Yes, we've had our ups and downs over the years but when I was there visiting, things were definitely on the upside. I guess those are the things that I need to remember when times are tough.
When I'm feeling low, I just need to remember the fun times I have had with my family. Today when I was running errands I bought a few small photo frames so I'll be able to have photos of my nephews with me at work. If nothing else, looking at pictures of the three of them always bring a smile to my face. Speaking of which, I think I'm going to sign off for this evening and look at some of the photos from my visit home with my family.
(Love to my family!! Thank you for being my road map when I need one.)
Along with that accomplishment this past week, I have been trying really hard to learn a new dimension of my quest. I am desperately trying to convince myself that I don't have to keep it together at all times or have all of the answers at all times. While this is something that I really do want to work on, I am starting to realize this is easier to do in theory than in actualization -- at least for me it is. There have been more times this week than I want to count where I've had to say, "I don't know/have the answer to that" and while it was an appropriate answer each time, it did leave me feeling a little uneasy. I guess I will just have to work on being okay with not knowing the answer at all times and with finding myself in unfamiliar territory.
I know that unfamiliar territory is all apart of being on a quest but I am a little tired of feeling lost all the time. While I realize I don't want someone to just give me a road map to find the path I'm "supposed" to take but an occasional road sign would be helpful.... Maybe one of the reasons while I feel so lost today is due to an unusual thing that happened this afternoon. Normally when I talk on the phone with my Mom we talk forever and the only reason we get off of the phone is because we realize how long we've actually been talking. Today, even though I had lots that I wanted to talk with her about, there were unusual for us lulls in the conversation and we just didn't have the same "flow" to the conversation as we usually do. I blame myself for that. Like I said, I felt that there was a lot that I wanted to talk with her about but when we were talking it just seemed so insignificant that I didn't bring it up. And that's odd for me.
Yes, there was a point in my life that any response to a conversation with Mom was "whatever" or silence but I don't want to go back to that type of relationship with her. I guess that's one of the things that scares me. So much has changed in my life and I don't want to back pedal in relationships with my family. They are my lifelines to sanity. For as crazy as we have a tendency to make one another at times, they are the ones that I turn to when I need to feel grounded and need a pick-me-up. Maybe that's what happens when you come from a close-knit family. Yes, we've had our ups and downs over the years but when I was there visiting, things were definitely on the upside. I guess those are the things that I need to remember when times are tough.
When I'm feeling low, I just need to remember the fun times I have had with my family. Today when I was running errands I bought a few small photo frames so I'll be able to have photos of my nephews with me at work. If nothing else, looking at pictures of the three of them always bring a smile to my face. Speaking of which, I think I'm going to sign off for this evening and look at some of the photos from my visit home with my family.
(Love to my family!! Thank you for being my road map when I need one.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
