Treading water....

There has been quite a bit that has happened lately that has left me feeling like I'm just treading water; trying to stay afloat. In the process of me desperately trying to keep my head above water, I feel like there are those around me who are trying to use me to keep themselves afloat - drowning me in the process... That's not a good feeling.

I know that I can't control how those around me act/think/behave anything like that. I also know that I can control how I act/think/behave but there are times where I find it exhausting. There are those around me who (in my opinion) expect me to behave in a certain fashion and I'm disappointing them if I don't. I don't try to go into situations where I have a chip on my shoulder, being on guard at all times, but I also don't want to go into situations unprepared. Maybe I just need to do a better job at hiding/burying said chip before it gets me into any sort of trouble...

After thinking about things, maybe one of the reasons I have this "chip" or whatever it is on my shoulder is my version of being covered in porcupine quills. Rather than just having a wall around my heart, I have quills around my entire body so that I can chose to lower them if and when I feel comfortable doing so. One of the downsides to that is, I have held people at arms length for so long that I'm not sure what it will take to let someone get close to me again...

As I have had a couple of people point out to me lately, I do need to find a way to figure out how to take care of myself sometimes as I try to take care of those around me. I've written about before how I tend to put myself at the bottom of my list of people to take care of (and that is something I am truly working on remedying). I guess one of the things that I've come to realize is if I don't begin to take care of myself, I'm not going to be able to help anyone else out either. Doing this is something that I have struggled with for years but I am making it a point to make it a personal goal of mine in the upcoming year.

Trying to solve all of the problems of everyone else is just making me stretch myself so thin that I'm tired a lot of the time and I've been physically sick more in the last year than I ever have been before. I'm tired of being sick and I'm sick of being tired. Once again, I need to find an outlet that is just for me - even if it's taking advantage of a nice day and taking an hour to walk away from things like I feel like I have to do and take a walk on the beach.

Granted, I don't want to stop helping those around me but I don't want to end up with an ulcer or wrinkles/gray hair either (at least no more wrinkles or gray hair than I currently have). Even though up until now it's been easier for me to put myself last, I realize that for now, I might have to be a little bit selfish and take care of myself. That may mean saying "no" every once and awhile and not being so willing to jump in and say "yes" all the time. I know that may be easier said than done but I think I need to work on it (and push myself to really work on it) otherwise I am going to go from treading water to drowning. I don't want to drown....

Rain, rain, go away...

It's been raining here for several days straight and it has made for some long and dreary days. I'll take the snow any day but I'm one who really doesn't like the rain (maybe I was a cat in a former life or something). It probably doesn't help matters that neither one of my dogs like to go outside when it's raining and I have had to clean up a couple of indoor messes because they didn't want to go potty in the rain. I know that the rain is necessary to help things grow and to wash away some of the things that cause me to sneeze (I am allergic to pollen) but, on the other hand, the rain causes other things that make me sneeze - I am allergic to mold as well. Maybe my aversion to rain has to do with being in one too many rainstorms or it has to do with the rain always seems to be associated with feeling sad... Hmmm..... maybe what I just need to have happen is getting caught in the "perfect" rain like in 'Singing in the Rain' or in those romantic movies where you get caught in the rainstorm when you're on a picnic with the one you love... I guess in order for that to happen though, I would need to go on a date or two....

I am truly beginning to think/feel that if I am ever going to find someone, I need to continue to work on myself and my self-confidence issues. I am still trying to figure out how I can be so confident when I'm in front of a group dancing (while balancing a sword!) but I'm so not confident when it comes to other aspects of my life. Unfortunately I can't go around with my sword all of the time so I'm going to have to try and figure out how to take that feeling with me in my other day to day activities. If anyone has any ideas in how to do that, I'm all ears!

I know that at some point I am going to have learn to let things go; especially things that I can't change. This is something that I definitely don't know how to do. I have people tell me often that I need to learn how to let go of things before they eat me up inside but that is a skill that I haven't learned. I tend to internalize everything and take things to heart (even things that may seem insignificant). For as long as I can remember, I have internalized things. Because of this fact, it does cause me to toss and turn nights. One of these days I will find a way to de-stress before I go to bed - maybe then I'll get a full night's sleep.

As I've been thinking about it, I think maybe one of the things I need to consciously do each evening before going to bed is something for me. Whether it be writing, reading a book just for enjoyment, cross-stitching I need to find someway to relax in order to sleep at night. Because I haven't been sleeping overly well and because of stress at work, I have a feeling those are a couple of reasons why it's taken so long for me to get over this cold that I caught back around the Holidays. Thankfully I am starting to feel better but I'm still not 100% yet.

I was at least over my cold enough to perform last night. I was invited to dance at a fundraising event last night and we raised $244 dollars for a local charity. Myself and four other troupe members opened the show with one of our choreographies (another gal and myself lead the dance because our instructor opted to watch). Near the end of the first set, I danced my sword solo (and, from the crowd response, I was one of the biggest hits of the entire show). To open the second set, my instructor, me, and one other troupe member danced another troupe choreography. A great time was had by all! I had a lot of fun last night and am very glad that I took a nap yesterday afternoon (even if it was just a short one). =)

On that note, since I didn't get a nap today (I was busy doing dishes, laundry and vacuuming), I should probably turn off the computer and relax before going to bed. Gotta get up early for work in the AM. Hopefully the rain will be done soon.... Nighty night, all!