Catch-up

Going back to work after a week long vacation was... interesting.... I had a pile of things to take care of that I missed, learning about some upcoming events, and I just had to get used to being back in the swing of things (as well as having those at work adjusting to my being back). This upcoming week will be my first full week back to work and from what I've already been told will be needed of me; it's going to be a crazy week. In preparation for this crazy week, on Friday before I left work, I created a schedule for myself so I would know what I need to take care of when just to get it all done. Hopefully I will be able to stick to said schedule...

Another way that I need to play catch-up is taking care of all of the little things around my apartment that need to be done. I have laundry in the washer and dryer as I write, but I have dishes to do and a floor to vacuum. But once again, my weekend has just kind of flown by and other than having clothes in the washer/dryer; I don't feel like I accomplished anything this weekend really.

In a strange way, going back to work this week along with saying "until next time" after my Mom's visit, has also made me realize that I need to play catch-up along my journey of self discovery and improvement. With everything else going on in my life, I have once again allowed the wants and needs of those around me to cloud what I want out of my life right now. One of the things Mom did before she left was she wrote me a touching note that she left on my nightstand. In the note, she told me that I shouldn't throw myself into work so hard that I forgot that I had a vacation. Unfortunately, after just a few hours of being at work, the relaxation from being on vacation was gone and I felt the stress I tend to impose on myself to meet the demands of other people envelop me.

It probably doesn't help too that I feel as if I've been in a fog all day. Yesterday I had dance class (and I was struggling through a choreography that I haven't learned yet) and then spent most of the afternoon at the birthday party of my friend's son. Because I still feel awkward in social situations, I came home exhausted. It's strange. For as often as I put myself in the spotlight dancing on stage, I still often feel "in the way" in large groups of people. Then, at 2 AM, my smoke alarm decided to beep to tell me that it's battery was dead. After that scare, I was awake and then read for a bit. After I put the book away, I tossed and turned for the rest of the night. I attempted to close my eyes for a bit this afternoon but sleep eluded me. Hopefully that means that I will be able to sleep tonight. I'll just have to wait and see...

Going back to feeling awkward during social gatherings, I think a lot of it comes from feeling like I am misunderstood. I know that I am a complex person and have often just kept quiet rather than go into all of the details of what makes me who I am. I know that we make assumptions of other people everyday (I am one who does this as well even though I am trying very hard to no longer do so - - especially where my sister is concerned) but I wish that if people wanted to know something about me that they would just ask rather than make those assumptions. I do know that I would have to let my guard down some to allow this to happen and maybe that's one of the next facets of personal growth and development that I need to address...

Since I'm running on little sleep and I still have laundry and dishes to do, I should probably turn this off for tonight and hope that I am able to stay on top of my schedule at work this week. Wish me luck.... =)

Disclaimer....

It has been brought to my attention that my blog posts lately have been filled with "disclaimer" statements. I have been pondering why I have been doing that... Other people don't apologize for their thoughts/feelings yet I do on a regular basis. My response to things is often "I'm sorry" even if I don't really have anything to be sorry about. I think saying those two words has become too easy to say; saying "I apologize" is more difficult. This is something that I'm going to work on. I am also going to work on using these "disclaimer" statements when writing. This is supposed to be a platform for me to write about my journey and not make apologies/excuses for stumbles or pitfalls I may find along the way.

Today is the last day of my weeklong vacation and Mom went home early this morning. Needless to say, it's been kind of a long day so far today as well as pretty quiet in my little place. My dogs have been kind of moping around my apartment looking for Mom (and for cheese balls I think - - a treat from "Grandma"). They are probably going to pout more tomorrow since I have to go back to work. As always, all good things have to come to an end...

Mom and I had a weeklong visit and it was filled with all sorts of whirlwind adventures. =) We went on fabric shopping excursions (for costuming and for curtains Mom made for my place), we bought an unexpected (but absolutely stunning) belly dance costume for me, saw a belly dance show, went whale watching (and saw humpback whales!), spent an absolutely fabulous day wandering on the beach, and many more just fun opportunities. Granted, along with Mom's visit, I jokingly told her that she brought me the "plague" (some weird cough that she had caught from my sister) but we both felt fine other than the cough.

While Mom was here, my little apartment felt more like a "home" than it does when it's just the dogs and me. Now that there are curtains on the windows and touches of "me" here and there it does feel more like my place (even though I've lived here for just over two years) but would I call it "home"? Not necessarily. I guess I just have to keep making the best out of my place and keep adding my own personal touches to it how I can (since I can't paint or put any holes in the walls.... the Command hooks have become my decorating best friend).

After Mom's visit, it makes apparent to me the next things I need to work on along my quest. I need to start acknowledging my accomplishments (even the smallest ones) and stop saying "I'm sorry" for just being me. I know that I'm not perfect but I can work on the best "me" that I can be and not make disclaimers for myself. Here's to the next chapter of my quest... =)