Saying "no"

I will be one of the first people to admit I have not learned the art of saying "no." I do consider it an art form for adults. Kids learn at a very early age how to say "NO"(and they often say it in a very loud voice) and I know from stories my parents have told me, I used to say "no" a lot. Maybe I used up all of my "no"s as a child so that's why I don't say it now... Anyway... Back to saying "no"....

I have been feeling a little like people have been taking advantage of me lately and I know that some of that would go away if I would learn the art of saying "no." I realize that we teach people how to treat us and by doing pretty much whatever people ask of me I am teaching them it's okay to walk all over me (I'm giving them permission basically). I just don't like disappointing people and I guess that's the main reason why I feel like I have become a doormat. It hasn't necessarily been big things that people have asked of me but maybe it's just been the culmination of all of the little things that has gotten to me.

Another thing that I haven't learned the subtle art of is the art of believing that I am worth it. I have been so concerned with helping those around me, that I haven't taken any time for myself, thus I am still sick. Granted I haven't coughed as much today as I have been but I don't know if that should necessarily be considered an accomplishment or not... I know that I have to learn how to take care of myself better and feel as if it's okay to call into work if I do need a day off to recuperate. I don't see myself doing that anytime soon since there's a lot going on at work right now but I need to learn how to take the time off if I feel as if I need it or I won't be able to help anyone.

As I have written about before, I have always been pretty good at helping to talk up those around me if they are feeling down. When it comes to talking up myself though, I am not good at that at all. I am my own worst critic and don't always believe in learning from my own mistakes - rather I beat myself up over them. I know, I know. I really need to stop doing that. I need to learn that not every little mistake is worth beating myself up over and I can learn from them instead.

Maybe in the process of learning how to say "no," I also need to tell myself "no" at times. I need to learn when to stop beating myself up and just realize that it's okay not to give 1010% all of the time. I guess something else I could do is rather than continuing to beat myself up, I could focus my anger/energy where it is due...

After talking about it, I think I am getting to the point where I am angry at the wasband. I am angry with him for making me feel like the entire divorce was my fault. I am angry with him for not attempting to work things out. I am angry with him for living the life that I wanted. I am angry with him for making me feel like I could just be discarded like you would something that's broken. I AM NOT BROKEN! He was one who chose to leave but that does not mean that I am not worthy of someone else's love.

Wow.... not quite sure where that came from. Maybe it's time to sign off for tonight and revisit some of these thoughts at a later date.

Perspective

Over the last week or so I have been attempting to change my perspective on a few aspects of my life. Throughout my examination, even though I do try my best to take the thought and feelings of others into consideration and try to do what I can to help those around me, I find myself afterwards wondering what else I could have done rather than focusing on what I have accomplished. Maybe due to having my allergies act up this past week (and they are trying to turn into a slight infection now I believe) has caused me to feel a bit sorry for myself. However, this evening, I am working towards shaking myself out of this...

As I was putting away some laundry today (still have quite a bit more to do but I think I'm done for the night), I started wondering to myself why I am hanging onto all of these clothes that I have that no longer fit me? That was the point that I stopped putting things away and I began to separate the clothes that no longer fit me into a laundry basket of items to donate to the Goodwill. With each article of clothing that went into the basket, I began to feel a little bit better about me and my own situation.

I put a couple of other things in the basket for donation that I'm feeling pretty good about... I unearthed a couple of stuffed animals given to me by the wasband that are going to be donated. It makes me feel good to think that they will provide hugs to children who need them rather than just being shoved in my closet or under my bed. Maybe this is one more way where I am trying to make good of a not so good situation...

While thinking about it, maybe one of the reasons I've been hanging onto some of these items is I've, once again, been trying to hold onto some part of the "old" me. I guess since it's just silly to keep hanging onto these clothes since there is no way I plan on becoming that size again, I might as well donate them to someone who will get a use out of them; especially if someone is in need of them.

Even though there are times that I wish for parts of my old life back, as a whole, that's not what I wish for anymore. I am over wanting "him" and having him in my life. Yes, someday it would be nice to have a man in my life again however, if it doesn't happen, I am learning that I can do things on my own. Do I always want to do things on my own? No. But I am learning that I can. I know that as time goes on, I will continue to find the things that I can do (and learn that it's still okay for me to look to family and friends when I need to and that doesn't make me a failure if I need that support).

I guess like the title of this post says, it's all about putting things into perspective. If you would have asked me 34 months ago (wasband left me Nov 18th, 2008) if I would be where I am now in my journey, I probably would have either laughed or burst into tears. But there are times now that I do realize that not only have I survived this whole mess but I am also thriving.

I guess with putting some of these things into perspective for myself, it's time to once again, roll up my sleeves, turn on/up the music and continue to clean up certain aspects of my life (and my apartment). Maybe the song, "I Will Survive" will be an appropriate choice. But, I think Aretha Franklin will need to wait until tomorrow because I think this Gypsy is heading to bed... Have a good week everyone! =)