Invisible

There was a point in my life where one of my main goals was to be invisible (and I was pretty good at being invisible). As I have journeyed along my quest, I am now finding that I want to stand out. Not in all aspects of my life (there are some places where I would rather remain invisible at this point) but there are aspects where I would like to be noticed.

One place that I want to be noticed is a bit of a contradiction. With belly dance, I find myself occasionally wanting to be invisible during class however, we have some upcoming troupe performances and part of me really wants to dance in the front row. My instructor has told me that she wants me to perform in the front row and I have just kind of dismissed that thought in the past. Now, with three upcoming performances in the next month, I am seriously considering her recommendation.

When it comes to dance, I want to be noticed. I don't want to take attention from the rest of the troupe but I no longer want to be invisible in the back. I'm not sure what has brought out this new side of me but here it is.... Like I said, I don't want to be in the spotlight per se when it comes to troupe performances (and I'm sure I will still get very nervous before any solo performances) but I would like to be noticed. I want others to see what I have worked so hard to accomplish and see that I'm good.

Is it strange for me to say that part of me is now glad that the wasband left me? Let me explain.... I don't condone the way he did it or anything but if he wouldn't have left, I most likely never would have found belly dancing. While he wanted me to find an activity to occupy myself while he was studying and doing work stuff, I don't know if he would have been overly happy with the choice of belly dance.

While he always told me that he didn't mind my weight and that there was "more of (me) to love," I have a feeling he would have questioned my choice. Even if it would have just been an offhanded comment such as, "are you sure you want to expose that much skin in public?" See, he wouldn't have questioned my choice directly or mentioned my weight directly, but it would have been implied. Unfortunately, his voice is still in my head but I am finding that I am more able to say, "thank you for your opinion but it was not asked for and it's not welcome anymore."

I guess you could say that I am working on making his voice in my head become invisible as well. I know that he will always be a part of my memories but I no longer need to let his opinion dictate my choices or my life.

I get to make the decisions for my life. If someone offers their opinion, I can choose whether or not to listen to or discount their opinion because it's that - their opinion. I can choose as well when I want to allow myself to be invisible or not. It all comes down to choices. My choices for my life.

I hope that doesn't sound too self-centered. It's just taken me most of my life to come to these decisions so I'm pretty passionate about them right now. It could also be that I'm trying not to revert to the "old" me..... I'm asking you to bear with me as I explore this new facet of my quest....

Restless nights....

I don't know about any of you, but there are nights that I really wish that I could turn off the thoughts in my head when I turn off the light on my nightstand... I have had a couple of nights of tossing and turning and that doesn't equate to very restful sleep. It doesn't help sleep when you are crunching numbers and worried whether or not you are making the right decisions.... Let me explain.

I interviewed for a job on the opposite coast of where I am currently living and they called me at the end of last week to offer it to me. However, when I first interviewed, they were unsure of what age group they were going to have me working with (yes, I am an educator by day, belly dancer by night). Now that they have officially offered me the position, they have told me what age group they would be placing me with and it's not an age group I would like to work with at this point. They are also offering me just a little more an hour than I'm making now and I don't know if it warrants a cross-country move.

While it would be a slight promotion, I am looking at the financial aspects associated with such a move but also the other things I would be sacrificing as well. One of the things I would be sacrificing is my dance troupe; while there are other belly dance troupes throughout the country, there isn't another troupe like the one I belong to now. Dance troupe aside, the financial numbers just don't add up. Not only would I have to find the money to move, I would also have to find money for first/last month's rent (as well as a pet deposit since I have my two "babies") and I just don't know where that money would magically come from... I would also have to find the money to live on... With the salary they quoted me, along with pricing I have found on-line for housing costs, I would have just over $100 a month for food (for me and doggie food), gas, and household expenses (the necessities - toilet paper, shampoo, laundry detergent, etc.). While I have gotten semi-creative with finances, I don't know if I could be that creative...

So, I guess, once again, I stay put and hope for better to come along. I have people offering me their opinions on both sides of the argument and I finally just had to go with my gut. My gut tells me that even though this would be a step up career-wise, it's not worth it necessarily for me right at this point. Someday? Maybe. I created a pros/cons list for this situation and the $83 additional per month before taxes just didn't win over the other things in my life that have become important to me. I am not looking forward to calling tomorrow to let them know that I have chosen to decline the offer but I feel as if it's something I need to do.

I can hear my Dad telling me one his mantras, "Isn't being a grown-up fun?" When it comes to doing things like this my answer is definitely "no!" Granted, I know that things like this add to my life experience and all but I feel I have had enough life experience for awhile with everything I've gone through... All I can do I guess is continue to face things one thing at a time and not worry about the "what ifs." If I believe that I am making the right decision, I need to stick by my decision and then accept what goes along with my decision.

That being said, I hope I am able to sleep a little better tonight.