Thoughts...

Let me begin today's post by saying a big "thank you" to all who are serving or have served in the United State's Armed Forces. It is truly an honor to know the service members that I do.

Today, it was a beautiful day here, so I decided to walk to church. I figured I only live about two blocks away, so why not. I think with the summer weather approaching, I might have to walk to church more often. =)

Yesterday I went shopping with a friend of mine from work because she needed to pick up some maternity clothes. While the trip was a little difficult for me (since I still want to have my own children some day), I felt as if it was a necessary part of my quest. While children are something that I would like for myself, I can still be happy for those around me who are welcoming a new life into the world. One of the things I told my friend on the shopping trip is something my Mom has told me - - you have to buy clothes that fit and sometimes not look at the size on the tag.

My friend had tried on a top in a medium and while it fit right now, it wasn't going to fit her for long (she is currently about 3 1/2 months pregnant). I offered to go get the same blouse in a large so she could try it on and she didn't seem to keen on that idea. I told her to try it on and she could always cut the tag out of it later. I just wanted her to be comfortable wearing the top and didn't want her to pass it by just because of the size she would need to buy it in. This is an idea I haven't always been comfortable with myself but it is one that I am working on...

While we were shopping, we went into one of "my" stores and I found a few tops for myself. I was super excited in my selections because I was able to buy a size in that store that I haven't before - a lower size! YAY! I guess that just means it's time to go through my closet again and downsize... =)

Another thing to be happy about is a comment my Mom made when I was talking to her today. I had sent Mom and Dad the photos taken during my belly dance solo last week and Mom told me that in looking at the photos, I look genuinely happy and she hasn't seen that in about two years or so. Looking at the pictures myself, I agree with her. I don't know what it is about belly dancing but I am finding a part of myself that even I didn't know was missing. Not only is belly dance improving me physically, it is improving my self-confidence and filling a void in my life (and not just the void my wasband left). It's hard to explain...

While I began dancing after he left, I am dancing for me and that's something I haven't felt I could do before. Belly dance is something just for me; because it brings joy to my life. As I said, I know there was a void in my life when my wasband left but there was a part of me that even I didn't know was missing; the me deep down inside, the me even I didn't know existed. I guess, in a way, I should thank my wasband for leaving me, if nothing else so I could find this part of me (as well as face the demons from my past).

After just a few lessons, belly dance has become an "addiction" and I can't imagine my life without it right now or anytime in the near (or distant) future. =) There are times where I may struggle with a section of choreography or a particular movement; it makes me that much more determined to work on it. With that thought, I think I am going to work on a move or two before heading to bed for tonight. Keep shimmying! =)

A Productive Week

This past week was a very productive one.... I decided to go for it and I bought myself a new shower head - one of the rain ones (actually my work bought it for me - I got a gift card for "provider appreciation" day and I used that to buy the shower head). It was simple to install and it is FABULOUS! =)

A hurdle from this week was that this past week was my wasband's birthday. Since it was his birthday, I decided to buy myself some presents instead. =) I thought that sounded like a good idea. I bought myself some pieces for belly dancing - I figured the dancing is something I'm doing for me so I thought it was appropriate. =) I bought a new pair of dance pants (which are black with a mesh insert down the outside of the leg with blue/black geometric shapes all over the mesh inserts). I also bought a new hip wrap from my dance instructor (she has had it on display for sale in the studio for a while now and I have been looking at it and just decided to buy it).

The hip wrap I bought is the one that I decided to wear for our belly dance performance yesterday. Let me rewind a little though.... I went to dance class last Monday night and the instructor was talking to us about our upcoming performance (the one that we had yesterday). She said that we would be doing some troupe dances and then some solos. She asked me if I would be willing to do a solo and my first response was "um.... no....." and she responded, "how about do it anyway...." So, needless to say, I ended up performing a solo yesterday.

I danced to the same song I did back in the beginning of April. I, of course, couldn't remember the moves I did in that performance so I tried to come up with new choreography. While I was performing, I once again forgot the choreography I had come up with but I continued to dance and that's what's important. I also remembered to SMILE through the dance which is something I have been working on.

People told me that I did a good job with my solo and I even got my first tip ($1 from the dancer who organized the event - - all of the soloists got a $1 tip). I have seen photos of the solo but I haven't seen the video of the performance for myself. I am proud of myself for doing the solo and I am trying hard not to beat myself up too much for forgetting my choreography. I am trying to tune out the negative voice in my head.....

With help, I have come to the conclusion that it is no longer necessary for me to listen to that voice in my head. I no longer want to listen to that voice in my head. Why should I listen to the voice that tells me that I'm not enough? I am working on giving myself credit for the things that I do achieve and doing a second belly dance solo after only 6 months of lessons is a big deal in my opinion. A friend of mine has been doing belly dance for years and she has never done a solo. Not that anything is wrong with her not doing a solo, I am proud of myself for going outside my comfort zone and doing two at this point.

That's one of the things that I have learned along my quest so far - - that while going outside of my comfort zone can be scary, if I don't, I won't grow as a person. And if I stop learning and growing, what's the point of being on a quest? For now, I am going to continue along my quest....