Giving yourself permission

I received some good advice today - every so often, it's okay to allow yourself permission to feel sorry for yourself and to throw a pity party. It's not a sign of weakness, you sometimes just need to get it out of your system. Feeling sorry for yourself on occasion is kind of like having a good cry; you need to let it out so it doesn't suffocate you. If you try to hold the tears in, eventually, the dam holding them all in will break and you will find yourself crying over things that are no big deal (believe me, I know all about trying to hold the tears in). While it's not healthy to stay in a pity party, every so often, it's okay to give yourself that permission to do so.

I have found myself "down in the dumps" the past couple of days (even if I've been trying to hide it from those around me) and as someone pointed out, it's probably because I don't feel well. I realize being alone is worse when you don't feel well and have someone to take care of you. I miss that. While I have never been the "damsel in distress" type, it was always nice to have someone help take care of me when I got sick. As humans, we depend on one another, especially when we're not feeling 100%. When I'm at work, church, or even at dance class, I feel as if I have to give 100% all of the time even if I don't have 100% to offer. Because I'm on my own, I don't have anyone but me to help "recharge my batteries". When I'm alone (and sick) it makes it difficult to feel motivated to keep plugging away. Even though I may feel like I need to just do nothing, I do things anyway because I feel that if I don't, I'm going to let someone down.

Yesterday I didn't go to my belly dance class and I felt like such a slacker for not going. I didn't feel well (I'm coughing and have a headache) and didn't want to risk anyone else getting sick. I even had paperwork I needed to try and complete for work yesterday and found myself taking a nap instead. Even though I know my body probably needed the sleep in order to feel better, I feel guilty for not completing the work. That is just another aspect of my quest I think. I need to start to allow myself permission to take a day off if I feel like I need to take one. Even if it's just taking a break from what I feel like I have to do.

I think that somedays I need to go back and reread some of the things I've written and follow my own advice... A number of weeks ago, I wrote about perfection being a dangerous thing. I don't feel as if I'm trying to be perfect but I am afraid of feeling as if I've failed. Failed others; failed myself. Even though my parents have told me that I didn't fail them when my marriage fell apart, that's how I feel inside. It's not because of anything they have said or done that has caused me to feel that way, I just feel as if I failed. I know that I did everything I could to try to piece the marriage back together but I couldn't do it alone. Without help, there wasn't anything I could do to hold it together on my own. I feel as if I failed my wasband that's why he left and in doing so I failed myself because I wasn't the wife that he needed me to be.

When you are sick, you tend to toss and turn at night and that offers opportunities to do way too much thinking. I have gone back and replayed some of the conversations my wasband and I had before he left, conversations that we have had since and conversations that I wish we could have had. But focusing too much on the past can be a dangerous thing as well. It's one thing to try and not to repeat your mistakes but I don't want that to keep me from living my life. Even if I don't know where my life is going to lead, I do know that I'm not going to find who I'm destined to become in my past.

I'm going to try and think more on this and write more later. I think I'm going to take the rest of the evening and just do nothing in preparation for my upcoming work week (we have parent/teacher conferences this week - yay...).

Balance

During my belly dance class yesterday, we worked on balance. We were working on dance moves while balancing bamboo canes on our heads. While they were relatively light, it took a great deal of concentration to not have it slide off of my head. As I was balancing this cane on my head as I was belly dancing, I was thinking about the balance in my life. My life is leaning to one side rather than being balanced. And after talking to two different really great friends today (who live in two states actually) I think I have figured out, at least partly, why I am unbalanced.

I am still allowing my wasband to manipulate me. The last couple of weeks, I have been texting with my wasband for information about the washer and dryer we are trying to sell. In our discussions (even if they have only been text conversations), I have allowed his statements about his hardships make me feel bad. While part of me will always care for him (we were married for 5 years, I can't turn my feelings off like I would turn off a light switch), I no longer need to strive to make him happy or do what's in his best interest, forgetting my own. I can be sensitive to his feelings but I don't have to allow his feelings dictate mine.

I feel as if I am stuck in a traffic jam on the bridge between who I was and who I am destined to become. At this moment I'm not quite sure how I'm going to get out of this traffic jam but at least I have identified it. The frustrating thing is I can see the "new" me but I can't quite reach that destination yet. Maybe I'm stuck in this traffic jam because I'm not sure who the "new" me is as of yet and I'm not sure what I need to do to figure that out.

One of the things my Mom recommended is to prioritize a list of things to work on. Rather than just seeing this overwhelming goal ahead of me, break it into smaller more obtainable goals. Part of the overwhelming goal ahead of me is finding money to pay taxes. I went and had my taxes done a week ago and found out, because of the divorce, I owe a substantial amount to both the federal and state. Anytime I feel as if I'm getting a handle on my financial situation, something else comes up. As my Dad points out, "isn't it fun to be a grown-up?" NOPE!

Sometimes I want to tell that to the kids I teach. "You have no idea how easy you have things. While I know you think it's rough because they have the toy you want, or you don't want to stay on your cot, or you don't want to keep your feet on the floor, etc., you have no idea how rough things get when you're a grown up." There are days I wish I could also tell them, "if you're not going to use your cot, do you mind if I use it?" Oh, well. The joys of being an adult...

We'll see if this upcoming week will bring at least a little of balance to my life or if finding that balance is a part of my quest....