This song (Who am I?) from one of my favorite musicals, Les Miserables, has been resonating with me recently. If you don't know the song or the musical, in this song, the main character is questioning different facets of his life. He's also questioning who he is as a man based on a critical decision he is faced with. Now granted, I have never been faced with the life or death decision/situation that Jean Valjean (the main character) but I can understand the questioning of who you are.
I've heard the phrase, "just be you - life is too hard for you to be anyone else" and it also stuck with me this past week. I have definitely been working on trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life but I haven't fully decided that yet. I have been debating for awhile now about going back to school (even if it's online) but I'm questioning if adding one more thing to my life right now would be the right move. Because I am a perfectionist, I don't want to set myself up for failure by adding way too much on to my plate (and to do it to myself).
I had felt refreshed coming back from my conference but things have begun to pile up at work again so I feel some of that feeling of being refreshed melting away. And while I have a bit of a break coming up, I don't know how restful it's going to be... In just under a month, I get to make a whirlwind trip back to see the family (YAY!) but in that whirlwind trip, it's for my sister's wedding. I will be leaving here on a Wednesday night, getting there Thursday morning, wedding is Saturday and I will be flying back Tuesday (to be back at work Wednesday). Don't get me wrong - I love my sister - but adding one more whirlwind to my life right now is overwhelming. I am trying very hard not to let this overly stress me since it's her wedding, but realistically this is the first wedding I will be attending since my divorce and I'm a bridesmaid in it and I'm just feeling.... I don't know how I'm feeling about it all... I will be there for her, her new husband and her two kids but I'm sure, on some level, I believe it will be weird and painful...
I didn't realize I was feeling this way towards her wedding until just now when I wrote it. I know that at some point, I really do need to move past my divorce and all of the ickiness that's associated with it but this is the first wedding I've been to since it all happened and I'm not exactly sure what emotions it's going to bring back to the surface. I don't want to work myself into a point where I'm making a bigger deal about this than I need for it to be but I want to prepare myself for it so it doesn't sneak up on me where I either blow up or I shut down. Maybe I'm making a bigger deal about this in my head than it will be but I'm not sure about that - really only time will tell...
I definitely want to give more consideration in this upcoming week in regards to the question I posed as this posts title. Last night, when I couldn't sleep, I was flipping through my movies and came across Gypsy (the movie which inspired my writing pseudonym) and I watched it. As I watched Gypsy's transformation, I began to feel a little rekindling happen. I also felt a little dance rekindling as I was the substitute dance teacher today - there were three relatively new dancers in the class and the three other dancers have been dancing for a bit but are still "baby" dancers due to performance inexperience. We played with veils this morning (not something that is typically my "go to" prop) and we worked on our "dancer's walk." It was so refreshing to have the dancers tell me how much fun they had in class and how much they learned in the hour and a half I spent with them. I will have to try and remember that feeling as I go into this upcoming work week.
Speaking of the upcoming work week, I should probably bring this to a close so I can think about heading to bed. I have a week filled with meetings and planning and an additional work day - we have an all day event on Saturday and then like a dummy, I have a planned dance gig that evening. I'm going to be tired... I hope you have a muchness filled week and I will see you on the flip side - hopefully then, I'll have a slight hold on who I am... =)
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Monday, September 7, 2015
exhaustion...
After my conference, I went back to work this week with grandiose ideas that I would not get stressed or overwork myself... yeah, that so didn't work... I had to dive right back in with both feet and hope that I didn't get swept away by rip currents or drown in the undertow. All I can do is keep trying to keep moving and continue to do the best I can on any given day. Even though I tried, I found myself getting more and more exhausted each day.
One of the things I'm still struggling with is one of the people who works in my building who seems determined to find faults in how I'm doing things, point those things out to my staff and then tries to find reasons to have the staff bond with him instead of me. I have been trying to counteract this but it is something I struggle with - I want to come across as genuine but because I don't have a "bubbly personality," I don't know if it comes across as fake or not. My fear is that I am coming across as fake and that's definitely something that I need to figure out...
Something that was positive from the past week at work is we received our official word from our national accreditation agency and the results for our building were expedited (which means we had no findings and nothing that they wanted us to explain more before they gave us our results). This was news that I was definitely excited about since it was my first accreditation and expedited results are rare. With all of the long hours and hard work I put into this process I was definitely glad to receive this news. I have actually had someone that I met at the conference contact me this past week for assistance on this process since his building will be going through it before too long so it feels good to be able to pass the knowledge along to him and his staff.
This weekend was filled with dancing so I am feeling sore tonight. Yesterday we danced/walked in a parade that was about a mile long and then we danced a 15 minute set. For whatever reason, the parade kept starting/stopping so we ended up dancing for quite some time along the parade route (and I was one of the dancers who opted to walk it). When we got to the stage performance, the stage looked nice and smooth so another dancer and I kicked off our shoes -- BIG mistake! The stage was so hot I knew kicking my shoes off was a bad idea about 15 seconds into the 15 minute set but there was nothing I could do about it at that point. The gig today was at the Fair (on of our biggest gigs of the year) and we had an hour long gig - I danced all except the few other solos people had, including my own sword solo. My sword cooperated today and it stayed put and I think I did pretty well; I picked up my sword a little sooner than I usually do but I was able to improvise with it so it worked out. The sun was really beating down so when we were done on-stage, I treated myself to a cup of gelato (yum, yum, yum!).
Because the weekend was so busy, I am so glad to have tomorrow off of work. I still haven't fully caught up from being at my week-long conference (I still have some laundry to catch up on - ugh) so I'll be doing that tomorrow as well as grocery shopping and all of that fun stuff. I brought home a relatively new work manual so I might take a look through at it tomorrow but I haven't decided yet. I may let it wait until Tuesday and look at it at work since I have a long work day (we have a staff meeting Tuesday night after work) - we'll see where I end up...
Well my dear readers, I think I'm going to bring this to a close for tonight. I hope you have a muchness filled week and can do things for you. Thank you for joining me along my quest! =)
One of the things I'm still struggling with is one of the people who works in my building who seems determined to find faults in how I'm doing things, point those things out to my staff and then tries to find reasons to have the staff bond with him instead of me. I have been trying to counteract this but it is something I struggle with - I want to come across as genuine but because I don't have a "bubbly personality," I don't know if it comes across as fake or not. My fear is that I am coming across as fake and that's definitely something that I need to figure out...
Something that was positive from the past week at work is we received our official word from our national accreditation agency and the results for our building were expedited (which means we had no findings and nothing that they wanted us to explain more before they gave us our results). This was news that I was definitely excited about since it was my first accreditation and expedited results are rare. With all of the long hours and hard work I put into this process I was definitely glad to receive this news. I have actually had someone that I met at the conference contact me this past week for assistance on this process since his building will be going through it before too long so it feels good to be able to pass the knowledge along to him and his staff.
This weekend was filled with dancing so I am feeling sore tonight. Yesterday we danced/walked in a parade that was about a mile long and then we danced a 15 minute set. For whatever reason, the parade kept starting/stopping so we ended up dancing for quite some time along the parade route (and I was one of the dancers who opted to walk it). When we got to the stage performance, the stage looked nice and smooth so another dancer and I kicked off our shoes -- BIG mistake! The stage was so hot I knew kicking my shoes off was a bad idea about 15 seconds into the 15 minute set but there was nothing I could do about it at that point. The gig today was at the Fair (on of our biggest gigs of the year) and we had an hour long gig - I danced all except the few other solos people had, including my own sword solo. My sword cooperated today and it stayed put and I think I did pretty well; I picked up my sword a little sooner than I usually do but I was able to improvise with it so it worked out. The sun was really beating down so when we were done on-stage, I treated myself to a cup of gelato (yum, yum, yum!).
Because the weekend was so busy, I am so glad to have tomorrow off of work. I still haven't fully caught up from being at my week-long conference (I still have some laundry to catch up on - ugh) so I'll be doing that tomorrow as well as grocery shopping and all of that fun stuff. I brought home a relatively new work manual so I might take a look through at it tomorrow but I haven't decided yet. I may let it wait until Tuesday and look at it at work since I have a long work day (we have a staff meeting Tuesday night after work) - we'll see where I end up...
Well my dear readers, I think I'm going to bring this to a close for tonight. I hope you have a muchness filled week and can do things for you. Thank you for joining me along my quest! =)
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