Learning to be selfish...

I have learned something this past week -- I don't do enough things for me.  I had worked enough hours this past week (worked a late night where the building was open so parents could go out on a date and then we had a two hour staff meeting) where I was supposed to take an entire day off of work.  I'm sure you can guess that I didn't do it...  My fellow office staff finally kicked me out of the building on Friday at just after 4 pm (we close at 6 pm).  My original plan had been to leave after signing off on payroll but one thing after another just kept popping up and I didn't walk away.  I definitely need learn to be selfish and to start walking away...  I'm going to look at my work schedule and see how I can accomplish that...

I had my dance performance yesterday and it didn't go exactly how I wanted it to.  When I finally decided on what I was going to dance to, it had the potential of being a very strong/dynamic/dramatic solo.  The music I picked (very late in the week) was a middle eastern version of "I Put a Spell on You" and our troupe's story dance (which is a very sassy dance portraying what a woman wishes she could tell her cheating hubby and then kicks them out).  I had a plan in my head and that plan flew away when I found out last minute that my dance instructor was coming to the performance.  It was wonderful that she came to support me but since we have two very different dance styles, it made me more nervous than I wanted it to and I think my performance suffered.  I do think that the music combination has enormous potential and I will use it in another show.

After coming home from the performance and getting cleaned up, I decided to take myself to the movies.  I ended up seeing a movie that was cheesy, bad humor, interesting storyline and I enjoyed myself immensely.  It was funny; as the movie ended, I heard a couple of women tell the men they were there with that they weren't allowed to pick the next movie they saw and I just laughed.  The storyline was more action movie so I can see their point but I got to see what I wanted to see.  I am finding that every so often I do enjoy taking myself out and I think I do need to do things like that more often.

I was realizing the other day that there are a couple of things that I am missing in my life - I am missing going whale watching and I am missing going to the aquarium.  I renewed my yearly membership at the aquarium at Christmas and I haven't been at all this year yet.  It's also been forever since I've taken the opportunity to go out on the boat whale watching.  These are things that I need to do for my own mental well being and I haven't taken the opportunity to take advantage of these places.  This is something that I need to change; even if I need to take a day or two off of work in order to make this happen.

I think if I can find/take opportunities to have those mental health moments, I can work on finding me.  It should not be this difficult.  When I feel overwhelmed, I start to shut everyone out because it's easier for me but it's also a lonelier place.  I encourage my staff to take days off and I encourage them to talk to me about things that they need to and yet I don't take days off and I shut down.  Looking at how I've been feeling, this is no longer working for me.  I definitely need to learn how to bring the balance back into my own life...

In order to make some of these things happen (from things at work, dance, personally), I think I need to be a little bit more selfish than trying to help take care of everyone else.  In order to help prepare for my week ahead, I think I'm going to select my muchness outfit to wear to work tomorrow, at least think about preparing my lunch and put my feet up before heading to bed.  I hope you have a week ahead that you fill with your own individual muchness and I thank you for joining me yet again my dear readers.  =)

Ready for bed...

It has been a very long week both at work and in contemplating some things in my own life.  I also had a very long day today - spending upwards of 8 hours moving furniture and trying to make some sense of the chaos that is my bedroom...

Back at the beginning of September, I don't know if you recall but one of my dogs had a ruptured access, required surgery and I ended up sleeping on the couch with him.  I hate to say it, but since then (other than when I was out of state at training and on vacation), I have been sleeping on the couch.  Some of it was out of sheer laziness and I hate to admit that since it sounds horrible...  My bed had become covered with laundered clothing and random belly dance costume items/accessories. I have also had the same bedspread/sheets on the bed for as long as I can remember (don't worry; they had been washed on a semi-regular basis).

Today I bought a new bedspread set, new sheets, a new bedside lamp and some wall decorations.  Where I live, I'm not allowed to paint the walls or put holes in the walls.  I have become very savvy with Command Hooks (LOVE them!!) and to liven up my bedroom, I got a roll of vinyl wallpaper essentially and it brought a lot of fun to my bedroom.

Because I bought the new bedding and accessories, I decided to move furniture around in my bedroom.  You can't really tell from the photo but I have a tiny bedroom with too much stuff in it so it took roughly 8 hours to get the bed where I wanted it and get this much accomplished.  What you can't see in the photo is how much still needs to find a new home in the room - luckily I have tomorrow off of work and I can hopefully get more in the room done.

What brought on this sudden change you may ask...  I had reread one of my favorite books this week where in it a life coach who encourages others to basically embrace their muchness feels as if her own life is a lie.  She wears boring/drab clothes, lives in a house she hates, hides from someone she has feelings for while encouraging others to go outside of their comfort zone to embrace their "true" inner self.  Lately I have felt as if I have been working so hard to encourage/build up those around me (at dance/work/other aspects of my life) that I have gone by the wayside.  Something that just came to me - I don't know if I have been subconsciously been punishing myself for that by continuing to sleep on the couch; interesting perspective to think about...

I've been feeling lost at work again (lots going on and working too many hours so that definitely doesn't help), feeling as if I've plateaued at dance (in addition I'm supposed to perform a solo on Saturday and I have no idea what I'm going to dance to...), I'm nowhere near where I want to be weight-wise and I've been beating myself up for all of these things and more....  Because I am so busy building up those around me, it brings me no time (or energy) to build myself up.  One of the things my Mom reminded me of was "homework" that was assigned to me when I was in therapy after my divorce - I was tasked with writing myself a letter as if the letter was being written for a dear friend.  It was an interesting/challenging assignment to say the least.  Mom suggested I write a similar letter to myself again.  It would be an interesting read...

Well, my dear readers, needless to say, I am ready for my bed tonight.  I think I'm going to take some pain relievers (since my muscles are starting to protest all of the work I did today), maybe read a little bit and then head to bed.  I hope we all have opportunities to find/embrace our muchness this week and not feel as if we have to hide or as if our lives are a lie.  Thank you for joining me along my quest!