Perfectionistic Workaholic

I had both coworkers and parents of kids in the building refer to me as a "perfectionistic workaholic" this past week at work.  I ended up back at the doctor (because my ear had gotten to a point of being unbearable), put back on two different medications (oral antibiotics 4 times a day for 10 days and ear drops that are antibiotics/steroids 3 times a day) and was told to rest.  I went to the doctor Thursday night and was supposed to take Friday off of work.  My plan was to work a half day (I know, I know.... I shouldn't have gone in at all...) and then head home to rest.  I'm sure you have already figured out, I didn't end up making it home early on Friday.  =(

I don't know why I couldn't bring myself to follow doctor's orders and stay home on Friday...  Yes, it was payroll sign off but there is someone else in the building trained on how to take care of that task if I'm not there.  After signing off on payroll I found other tasks to occupy me and when I got to the point of even thinking about leaving, one of the staff called out sick.  I had tasked someone else in figuring out how to cover that individual but when they didn't take care of it, I stepped in.  While I know I should have just let my mantra of "not my circus, not my monkeys" kick in, I ended up staying at work and worked a very long day.

I already know going into tomorrow that I'm going to end up working another long day.  The kids are out of school so the building will be open from 7 am - 6 pm; and I will be there on either side of that to open/close the building.  I don't know why I feel such a need to push myself so hard.  Maybe the staff and parents are correct in labeling me a "perfectionistic workaholic."  Maybe I'm being overly hard on myself because I still don't feel my best...

This past week at work, I worked with two inspectors that came into the building - one to do a heath/sanitation inspection and one to do a safety inspection.  I ending up spending about an hour and a half with each of the inspectors on the different days they were in the building.  The time I spent with the safety inspector was very interesting.  He ended up pointing out a couple of things (which I'm fine with since it's his job to find areas that could use some attention) but then the conversation ended up taking an interesting turn; he asked me to stop and just listen to him for a minute.  He told me that he's been doing inspections in this building for a number of years and he's never seen it as good as he did this past week and he knows that I am the reason for that change.  He told me that I should be proud of that accomplishment, cut myself some slack and find ways to eliminate some stress from my life.  That meant a lot coming from him and I am going to find a way to take what he told me to heart.

I know that for my own general health and well being I need to get to a point where work is my job and not my entire life.  I felt like I had been making progress in that general area but I'm back to work  encompassing my entire life and I wonder if that's part of why I've been to the doctor/on medication yet again.  Actually, I don't need to wonder, I'm positive that my stress levels are attributing to the reason why I had to head to the doctor again this past week.  At one point I felt as if I had a handle on realizing that work is just a job but I have unfortunately lost sight of that and need to regain that handle on things.

Well my dear readers, on that note, it is time for medication, thinking about things and time to head to bed since I have to be up early for work in the AM.  I hope you have some opportunities to do things for you in this upcoming week and that you don't get too overwhelmed by life.  Take care my dear readers!  =)

Perils of Pauline

I hadn't heard the term "Perils of Pauline" before but I heard it today; the "Perils of Pauline" refers to the old black & white films where the damsel in distress is hauled off by the sinister guy with a fabulous mustache who ties her to the railroad track, and the train is coming, and the hero comes along only to have to get in a fistfight with the sinister guy with the mustache, and the good guy is able to save the girl in the split second before she gets squished by the train...  Whew.  I know that was a run on sentence but it was written that way to make my point - sometime life hands you one thing after another after another and you sometimes just have to wait for the moment where you don't get squished.  As I've written before, I am not the damsel in distress type however, there are times (especially when I'm not feeling 100%) where it would be nice to have someone save me from being squished by the train.  This past week has left me feeling that I was mostly squished by the train because I couldn't break free from the train tracks.

I was still pretty sick most of the week and I think from being sick I have also developed an ear infection - lucky me...  I don't necessarily want to go back to the doctor because I think I've already met my quota of doctor's for awhile.  I had to go to the doctor in December and then this past week, I was at the doctor's twice - once at the health clinic to find out why I'm sick and then again during the week I had to go to the work heath clinic for my yearly work clearance.  Both of the visits this past week helped to solidify why I don't like going to the doctor - without helping to explain how, both doctors instructed me that I need to lose quite a bit of weight (like upwards of 100 pounds).  It's all well and good that they want me to lose the weight but it's not helpful that they didn't give me any insight as to how to accomplish said goal.  It just helps add to the frustration that is my weight...

Something else that added to my frustration this past week was work.  I unfortunately did not embrace my mantra of "not my circus, not my monkeys" and I let people over task me with things and when I attempted to delegate, I listened to all the reasons why people couldn't take on those responsibilities and I took them on myself.  Not only am I frustrated with them for not taking on what I asked them to, I am frustrated with myself for allowing them to get away with telling me no.  By allowing them to not complete assigned tasks, they are getting what they want and I'm the one who ends up overworked and frustrated - this is something that I realize but have yet to come up with how to remedy the situation...

Because I've been frustrated/sick/tired, it tends to make me layer on my pieces of armor and shut out those around me.  I know that it's not good to keep things bottled up and it's very tiring carrying around all that armor all the time...  Maybe I'm afraid to show what's underneath the armor for fear of what happened the last time I let someone get past it all (and I know intellectually that too many years have past for it to still effect me and that also intellectually I'm going to have to let someone through the armor one of these days) but I also know that without change, you cannot grow.  Sometimes it's so frustrating to be an adult...

I know that I need to find a way to move beyond my frustrations in order for me to function but I'm not not quite sure how I'm going to do that yet.  I suppose in an effort to start to ease my frustrations I should focus on the things that I can change/control and in doing so it might help me feel better.  In order to set a goal for myself, I am challenging myself to set aside at least one piece of my armor and keep it off for the entire week.  We'll see how this goes...  Thank you for joining me, my dear readers and I hope you can do something for you in the upcoming week!  =)