just let go

While at church today, the children's message caught my attention and the basis of that lesson has stayed with me today.  The pastor used an object lesson when she talked with the kids today and the object she used was a piece of rope.  I know that's a strange object to use but it made a connection.  What she said was:  imaging you're hanging by this rope off the edge of a cliff and you're holding on for dear life - in order to move, you have to let go of the rope.  The looks on the kid's faces were a combination of shock and terror when she said that and one of them spoke up and said there was no way they would let go of the rope.  The pastor calmly explained to them that sometimes in order for us to move and grow we have to face something scary like letting go of a rope or we can't move at all.  I think it's time for me to let go of the rope.

I'm not planning on letting go with both hands or anything like that (even though there are days it's felt like a possibility) but I know that in order to move, I have to let go with one hand at a time.  From rereading some of my posts I written lately, I have been desperately clinging to the rope with both hands, while feeling as if I'm going to fall at any given moment, so there has been no way I would let go for anything.  Because of just dangling off the precipice, I have been limiting my own growth potential.

I know that one of the ways I've been limiting myself is by working too many hours and struggling with my stress levels.  This past week was the last week of summer camp for my building and I looked at the number of hours I worked over the 8 week summer -- a regular full time employee put in 320 hours in that time; I worked 470 hours (and got paid for 320 of them).  I know that as a manager, there will be times that I'm required to put in more hours at work than a full time employee but working an extra 150 hours in 8 weeks is more than just a little excessive.  My boss actually told me one day this past week that I needed to go home because I needed to learn how to take care of myself.  From how I've been feeling, I know that I definitely need to work on this skill...

I need to get to the point that I let work go at the end of the day and have it be a "normal" work day.  I don't have to try and be super human all the time and I am entitled to take time off, too.  You may not believe it but I'm really not a control freak - I am a perfectionist though and there are times I find it just easier to complete a task myself.  I need to learn how to let go, task things to other people and be okay with however they complete said task just so it's not one more thing for me to have to take care of.  As a manager, I know I need to work on my delegation skills because if I'm too stressed, I cannot be as effective as I'd like to be, and people are going to resent working in the building I manage.

One of the things I'm going to try and do this week..... wait I'm going to stop myself right there....  I need to stop using the word try....  Do or do not - there is no try (thanks, Yoda).  One of the things I'm going to do this week is do one thing each day that's just for me.  That one thing each day doesn't have to be anything big but it's going to be something that's for me and something that I want to do (rather than things that I need to do).  I think if I make a conscious effort to write down what I do for me each day it will help hold myself accountable to this goal rather than just pushing myself aside.

The thing I'm going to do for myself today is I'm going to turn off the electronics (except for my phone; I have to have it on for work purposes) and read a book before going to bed.  I know I haven't mentioned anything about it in some time (and maybe that's part of my problem) but I'm also going to think about ways to let my freak flag fly this week and to just let go.  I hope that each and every one of you find a way to do the same!  Have a great week, my dear readers!  =)

on/off switch

There are nights like last night and days like today that I wish my brain had an on/off switch.  I wasn't able to fall asleep until after midnight and then I was plagued with some pretty disturbing dreams.  One of the reasons I had difficulty falling asleep is the troupe had a gig today and I wasn't really looking forward to it.  Don't get me wrong - Mom had made me a beautiful costume (the troupe had decided to wear one we haven't worn in some time and the one she made for me looks like it's made out of liquid gold) but I really am not a fan of how it fits my body type.  Granted, it probably doesn't help that I really am unhappy with my current body type and I know it is what it is because of stress levels.

I failed again at leaving work when I was "supposed" to this week and ended up working 12 hour days 4 out of 5 of the work week (I left about 4:30 on Monday).  I know that I really need to do a better job of just walking away from the building when my work day is done.  I haven't figured out quite yet how to just leave the work day behind and know that it will be there when I get to the building the next day.  I even set an alarm to go off to signal my end of day and found reasons to ignore it every single time.  Granted, I know that I'm the boss and some days I'm going to have to put in more than an 8 hour work day - but doing it almost every single day for the last eight weeks....  Enough is enough.  I've said it before and I'll say it again - I mentally, physically and emotionally cannot continue along this path.

Luckily this upcoming week should be the end of these long hours but that doesn't necessarily help me figure out how to eliminate the stress from my life.  I know that most people would say to just go out and get a massage but I have only ever had one and I didn't like it (the masseuse kept yelling at me to relax every two minutes and that was making me tense up even more and they finally gave up on me).  I unfortunately have been one that turns to food when I'm stressed and I know that definitely needs to change.  That stress eating is making me not happy with what I see in the mirror which is making me even more stressed.  These are not good feelings overall...  I know that I have brought all of this on myself and I do own that - now I just have to take measures to change it.  Once I figure out what those changes are...

I know that this week's post is short but I think I'm going to bring this to a close for tonight, try to relax a little before going to bed and hopefully get some sleep before going into work tomorrow.  I already know that tomorrow I'm going to be slightly short staffed as well as having to entertain at some point in the afternoon some of the "higher ups" who are coming for a building/program tour.  I just have to remember to take things one at a time and do the best that I can at any given moment.  But for now, I'm going to switch the brain switch to off...