Contingency plan

I am starting to discover (for myself and with the wonderful guidance of my parents) that I can't have a contingency plan for every situation -- no matter how hard I would like to be able to.  Granted, I don't want to know everything my future holds because that would be boring.  I would, however, like to feel as if I have some things figured out for "just in case."  And part of me really does know that's an unrealistic expectation....

I think part of the reason that I would like to feel as if I have some contingency plans in place (for those "just in case" moments) is because I was blindsided by my divorce and there was no contingency plan. I never expected to get divorced so why would I have a plan for if it happened?  I'm not saying that things still wouldn't have caught me off-guard (which they did) or hurt (which I have never felt that kind of pain in my life before) but a contingency plan would have helped in the sense of having an inkling what to do with myself when it did happen.  However, as I sit here thinking about it, maybe if I had a contingency plan I wouldn't be open to something unexpected that is even better than my plan...

I know that there are a lot of unknown factors that are beyond my control and in those instances even if I had a contingency plan it would do me no good.  I guess one of the things that I need to do is work on being okay with not having everything figured out and to learn how to "go with the flow" (any suggestions would be appreciated/helpful).  "Going with the flow" is not something that I have necessarily been good with (as I'm sure you've been able to tell if you've been following my blog for any amount of time) and I think I need to start learning how to work on this and letting go of some of that control.  That, in and of itself, is going to be a challenge for me.

Maybe one of the things that I need to work on is finding one thing each day that I can't change and be okay with that.  Even if it's just something as simple as being okay with hitting a red light if I'm running late.  And rather than focusing on what things may/may not go wrong daily or with certain situations, it might help me to try and at least take things at face value instead of thinking that I need a contingency plan ahead of time to protect myself.  If I think about it, actually learning how to let go might be one of the best things I can do to grow as an individual...  If only I knew how/where to start said process...

I guess one of the things that I could say is I didn't have a contingency plan when going to Jury Duty this last week and I survived.  Granted, all I had to do was sit there because I was not one of the individuals selected but still.  I even went outside my comfort zone and talked to 5 people who were also there for Jury Duty (that is a BIG accomplishment for me because I would have been perfectly content to just sit there and keep to myself).  We'll see if I'll be able to do the same when it comes to this upcoming week -- I have two training sessions to attend this week.  I will try my best not to create/solidify any contingency plans this week.  Wish me luck...

Working on me... again....

Well, my dear readers, tomorrow I have to face yet another unknown on my life's quest and have to face appearing for jury duty.  The summons appeared while I was on vacation (of course) and I will have to be there to report first thing tomorrow morning.  I realize that it's my civic duty to report and to do my part in the justice system if it is asked of me....  However, because it is something that I haven't faced before and I'm not 100% sure where I'm going, I am very nervous about reporting for said civic duty.  Part of me says that I should look at it as just another adventure on my quest to fabulousness (yes, I have made up yet another word because I'm wondering if that's the quest that I'm on...) but I am having some trouble looking at it that way.  Maybe I can change that around before tomorrow morning; we'll see.

I was rereading some of my old posts and I realize that I was unable to accomplish one of the major things that I wanted to last year...  I wanted to work on myself and not spending so much time worrying about the needs/wants of other people.  I spent lots of time/energy/effort worrying about other people and what they need from me.  In looking back at that, I realize that I am exhausted from doing so.  I am exhausted both emotionally and physically (because I haven't slept as well as I should because of worrying about other people) and I know that I need to change some things in order to work on myself.  If you've read other posts that I've written, you know that's a scary concept for me.

I've spent so much time trying to help other people that I've met along the way that I feel as if I've once again lost myself along the way.  I don't like feeling as if I have to disappear in order to help those around me.  I feel as if I've been working too hard on myself to either vanish or to mold myself once again into the person that someone else wants for me to be.  Believe me, I know that I'm not perfect and that I have never been perfect but what's wrong with me?  I have to get to the point that I'm okay with who I am and who I want to be.  I have to become secure enough with who that is so when situations like this arise, I don't question who I am in order to help others.

Something else that I would like to do more of in the new year is to celebrate even my smallest (even if they're silly) accomplishments.  Yesterday, for example, I checked the air pressure in the tires on my car and filled them to the pressure they were supposed to be at (the little light on the dashboard had turned on to tell me that the car was complaining about the tire pressure).  I used the air machine at the gas station (because of course I had to top off the gas tank as well since it was pretty low) and luckily I had the quarters needed in order to make the machine work.  I had never used one of those machines and had to determine which hose I needed (since it was the machine that was for both air and water).  After I made sure I had the right hose, I proceeded to fill up the tires.  Even though I'm sure I looked silly fighting with the hose to get it to go around my car all the way, I did what I needed to do and I felt accomplished.

Today I did something else for myself and I found out that my printer had wireless printing capabilities and I could hook up one of my electronic devices to print documents.  I didn't know that I could do that so I was pretty excited!  See, sometimes it's the silly things that have to be celebrated -- no matter how small or silly.  =)

Well, dear readers, I hope you have a week full of positive adventures.  For myself, I'm going to sign off and make sure I have the correct directions in order to report for jury duty tomorrow.  Wish me luck!