Sick Day

Well, I did it. I took a day off of work due to being sick. I had an upset stomach on Thursday and went home about two hours early. That evening I wasn't feeling any better and I called out sick to work for Friday (I called my boss between 9:30 - 10:00 PM since I have to be at work at 6:30ish in the morning). I ended up going into work on Friday morning but before I could clock in, I was sent home for the day. I came home, freaked the dogs out, changed back into my pj's and slept until about noon (I never sleep that late - even on the weekends). I then got up, played with the dogs a little bit and then curled up with them on the couch and slept some more. About 2:30-3:00 or so when I woke up from my nap, I was starting to feel human again. I think part of why I crashed (other than not feeling well) is I have been fighting some insomnia at night.

I am starting to feel like myself (and I actually made it to dance class yesterday and stayed late at the studio with one of my gal pals to work on some choreography for an extra hour or so) and part of me is ready to go into work in the AM to see what kinds of things I missed at the end of last week.

For some people, taking a day off of work when they're sick is a natural thing. But, something you need to know about me is, I have worked in the same place for almost four years now and have only called out of work twice in that time. I called out the day after the wasband walked out on me (obviously) and called in the day after I received divorce papers (again, obviously). Yes, there have been other times that I should have called in sick to work but part of me always questions who's going to get certain things done if I'm not there? I know, I know. Everyone at any job is replaceable but I guess I just take my job seriously and feel bad if I'm not there to accomplish those things that are my responsibility. Oh, well. I mean, I didn't get any phone calls/messages telling me that work vanished in my absence but still... I guess I'll just wait and see what tomorrow holds.

I know that I have had it pointed out to me more than once but I had it pointed out to me again - if I don't take care of me or look out for me, who's going to? I have to learn the lesson I know that others around me already know - if I chose not to take care of myself when I get sick and I keep pushing myself to give 100% percent, I'm going to stay sick even longer and who wants that? Maybe part of the reason why I find it so difficult to take time off from work when I'm sick is because I then have to take care of myself, since my dogs sure aren't going to take care of me! (Actually the woman from upstairs called me on Friday afternoon to see if I was okay or if I needed anything since she saw my car in the driveway, I wasn't at choir Thursday night and she knows that I don't tend to call in sick to work. I thought it was very sweet of her to check in on me and to offer to pick something up for me if I needed her to.)

Well, since I'm not really sure what tomorrow holds for me and I have a busy week overall (Monday and Wednesday = 2 hour dance class each night; Tuesday = 2 hour work meeting; Thursday = choir practice for 1 hour this week; Friday = FREE), I should probably sign off for tonight and maybe sew a little before heading to bed. I hope that I didn't sleep too much already this weekend and I'm able to sleep tonight!

Roller coaster

It has been a roller coaster of a week and I think I'm still reeling from it... I don't know how/why I keep allowing myself to over-stress and over-think about things that are out of my control but I seem to do so on a regular basis. One of these days I hope that I will be able to find a way to either stop doing so or to turn my brain off so I can sleep at night (since there are nights I only seem to average between 5 maybe 6 hours of sleep).

I don't know why I have a tendency to internalize things that are beyond the realm of my control, but I do. Granted there was a span of time when I was in my early teens that I was selfish and I couldn't see beyond myself or my selfishness; but after that stage, I feel like I've done a complete 180. Yes, last week I took a day for myself and spent it on the couch reading a book. Since then, however, I have felt guilty about doing so even though I can't take it back.

Guilt is definitely a weird emotion; especially in situations such as these. I can't go back in time and change the fact that I took a day off from my life that oftentimes makes me feel over-extended and I'm going to snap like a rubber band one of these days so why feel guilty about it? There are a lot of things that I honestly don't mind doing but I guess I just wish I didn't feel like I had to do some of the things I do...

This feeling of having to do certain things or complete certain tasks at times just makes me want to rebel. Not rebel in the sense of listening to depressing music, dressing in black and chains, or wearing dark makeup but rebel in the sense of just saying "no" (even if that's a word I still haven't learned to say on a regular basis to things that I don't want to do). I guess I just need to work, once again, of finding a balance to things rather than feeling like I'm out of control. There are times where aspects of my life can be compared to the feeling of being on a roller coaster when you're sitting at the top of that first big hill about to go over the edge -- I hate that feeling.... =(

Even though I haven't been to an amusement park or on a roller coaster for several years now, I have always hated that feeling right before going over the edge of that first hill. I don't know, maybe where some people get a rush of the feeling of falling over the edge, it scares me. There have been times where I've been on a roller coaster and it has literally taken my breath away going over that first hill. Maybe part of the reason I don't like the feeling of that first hill is it takes me to a place in my life when I have been completely and utterly felt out of control. I think that might need to be something I need to explore further but not tonight - - I think I need to head to bed for the night and hope that sleep does not elude me tonight. Good night.