Day off

Today I did something I don't normally do - I gave myself permission to have a do nothing day. On Thursday, I felt myself coming down with laryngitis, so I went to handbell choir rehearsal but opted out of staying for vocal choir. Today when I woke up, I still felt like there was a frog in my throat and it was a touch sore. So, I sent some e-mails to people informing them that I wouldn't be attending church this morning because I didn't think I'd be able to sing. Instead, I pulled out a large blanket, snuggled with the doggies on the couch and I read a book and dozed. Needless to say, after feeling as if I've been going a million miles an hour, it was nice to be able to slow down and relax. I need to attempt to find a way to do it more often...

I think if I don't find a way to give myself permission to take days to slow down, I'm going to continue to get/stay sick and that's not something that I really want to have to face. I really dislike being sick (if you can't tell) and I really, really dislike going to the doctor if I do get sick enough. When I was sick for so long after the Holidays I was actually to the point of considering going to the doctor and then, thankfully, I started to feel better so I never ended up going. That probably wasn't my best idea in the world because I most likely would have felt better sooner if I would have gone. Oh, well. It's too late now since I am feeling better. The only thing I'm really dealing with now is allergies. Because the weather has been so odd here lately, the trees/plants are already in bloom thinking it's spring and the pollen is out of control. So I get to deal with a plugged up nose and sneezing early this year I guess...

I know that I've written about this before but I don't necessarily understand why I feel obligated to go above and beyond for those around me yet I don't look out for myself in the same fashion. People who are close to me have been trying to convince me for years now that I need to look out/take care of myself and make myself a priority at times. Honestly I am starting to see the merit in doing so. I am also starting to see, more and more, the merit of standing up for myself occasionally. Yes, once again, I know that I've written about all of this before and I really am trying. Maybe, one of these days, I will take my own advice...

At least I do have a couple of things to look forward to coming up. I went fabric shopping with a friend yesterday for a new costume I have convinced Mom to work on for me. She made me a lime green costume that we wear a lot for performances and she's going to create another one for me since we wear it so much. This one is going to be made out of fabric in shades of gold and I think it's going to turn out absolutely fabulous! I have the fabric in a box and am planning on taking it to the post office to mail it off tomorrow. I love my Mom! =D

I also am looking forward to having an extra day off next weekend and am hoping to be able to use it in order to have some "me" time but I guess we'll just have to see what the weekend as a whole has in store. One of the things I need to work on is one of the two sewing projects I have to work on. Since I haven't really had a chance to work on it at all this week, I should probably sign off so I can at least get some stitching done before turning in for the night. Take care for another week, dear readers.

Touch

I had an odd experience the other night when it was time to get ready for bed... I turned off the lights, got under the covers, and I don't know if it was how I was laying or what, but I could have sworn someone was holding my hand. That feeling, of someone holding my hand, brought tears to my eyes and I'm pretty sure I cried myself to sleep that night. Some people I'm sure would have been bothered by that feeling of their hand being held even though there was no one there but it just made me sad. Sure, kids at work will hold my hand on a regular basis but it's been years since anyone has held my hand other than that.

After that incident, I've been thinking about how complex just a simple touch can actually be. Think about it. When babies need to be in the NICU, they encourage people (parents and the hospital staff) to touch them. People in comas are encouraged to be talked to and touched. When people are sick/sad/upset, we tend to place our hands on them to let them know we are there for them. There are even those who pay big money for someone to lay healing hands on them by way of massages. So, touch is an important aspect of being a healthy person in my opinion.

There is also the aspect of being touched that goes beyond the physical. There are moments/people that touch our lives and our hearts and we are never the same after those events. Granted, those events can touch us in a positive or a negative way but that's what price you pay for things that matter. If nothing ever mattered (positively or negatively), we wouldn't be human, we would be like robots. I'll admit, there have been times (especially after the wasband left and during/after the divorce proceedings) that I have wished I were a robot just so I wouldn't hurt anymore. But I've realized since then that I'm glad that things have hurt (I know, I can't believe I'm admitting that either....) because those times have helped me to see who I truly am.

Sure, there are times where I still question who I'm becoming but things are starting to come more into focus; especially since I'm realizing that I don't have to live life as separate aspects of me. I don't have to have the Jeckel/Hyde me where I'm the teacher and belly dancer and... I can be the teacher who also belly dances and that's okay. I don't have to hide those aspects of myself away in which I'm passionate about. If I'm that passionate about it, I should show it and not hide it away.

I am slowly coming to terms with not hiding/locking myself away at all times. As you've read in the past, I often compartmentalize myself depending on who I'm around or the situation that I find myself in. I come in last place in comparison to helping/supporting everyone else and I think I'm going to really make an effort to analyze the why so I can change that. I know, I know. I've said versions of that in the past and I still end up coming full circle and continue to do what I've been doing (probably because it's easier/less painful than attempting to change). This time, I do want to try and figure out why I do these things so I can, if nothing else, help myself.

Well, I think it's come that time again where I should sign off for tonight. Maybe do a little sewing or pet my dogs to relax and prepare myself for the upcoming busy week ahead. I hope you (as well as me) can find time to do something for you this week... =)