Confidence

Over the next several weeks/months, I am going to make a conscious effort to work on building my confidence. The past two weekends I have had two pretty big dance solo opportunities and they shook my confidence in different aspects. My performance on New Year's Eve, I was nervous and sick going into the performance and it wasn't my best solo in my opinion (and I am definitely, 100% my own worst critic). I had trouble with my costume change and opted not to wear my belt because I was out of time (and it makes me really dislike the pictures from my solo) and my balance was off since I was sick. Since I'm still not 100% better and I had a solo last night it shook my confidence some.

Last night, I had the opportunity to participate in a show titled, "Rising Stars of Belly Dance." The person who was in charge of the show contacted my instructor to see who from her studio would fall into that category and I was one out of 3 dancers who were selected. While I was honored it also made me question if I would be able to hold my own with some of the other dancers who I knew would be performing. I took care in working with my music, selecting my costume/accessories and took extra time in putting on my makeup. Needless to say, I looked the part and was able to camouflage my nerves. I was the second dancer to perform after the intermission. I had coughing "fits" during the first half of the show and right before my solo so that added to my nervousness because I didn't want to get up on stage and cough through my performance. However, as my introduction was read and my music started, I took a deep breath and transformed into "Gypsy" the performer. Honestly, it was one of the best solos I have performed in my two years of dancing.

I was confident, I commanded the crowd, my sword did (almost) exactly what I wanted it to (it slipped once or twice - but I was able to adjust it) and I didn't cough once! [Granted after I got off stage, I, of course, went into coughing spasms....] I was a fun opportunity to go out, watch other performers and realize that what types of performances used to impress me, don't necessarily anymore. I think part of that has to do since I have grown as a dancer, I know what it takes to put a performance together and I am able to catch subtle nuances that I missed before (since I didn't know to even look for them).

I received several compliments of my performance from accomplished dancers that I respect. One of the ones that touched me dearly came from my own instructor - on our way home (the performance was about an hour away and her husband drove us all in their van), my instructor told me that when I'm on stage it doesn't look like I've only been dancing for just over two years but I dance like I've been dancing for more than 20 and she should know (my instructor has been belly dancing for 41 years). A good dance friend of mine was at last night's performance too and she told me that I truly "come alive" when I'm soloing.

I guess what I need to do is remember the feeling from performing last night, channel it and carry it over into upcoming performances as well as other aspects of my life. I know that it's not going to be easy but nothing worth doing ever is easy...

I know that one of the aspects of my life that I need to bring some more confidence into (other than dancing) is at work. Since I got a slight promotion this past summer, there are some people that still treat me like I am not equal to them - that I am in a position below them when, in fact, I am in a position above them. Yes, that does sometimes happen when people have worked somewhere longer than you, yet you are the one who got the promotion but it is something that does make me just want to say, "I'm sorry" and do whatever they'd like me to do (even if I'm telling them they need to do the opposite). I guess this is just one more growth opportunity for me... I'll let you know how that all plays out... =)

New year... new me?

Well, I don't know about you out there, but 2011 was filled with ups/downs/challenges. I feel like in many situations that I was confronted with that I learned something and other situations just left me feeling even more confused. That's okay. I may not have appreciated the situation at the time but I'm sure, at some point, I will learn a valuable lesson from having that experience and I will be a better person in spite of it all. Or something like that... =)

One of the lessons that I learned is that every so often, I do need to put myself first. I don't want to become overly narcissistic but I know that if I don't at least occasionally put myself first that no one else will. I know that it may be a bit of a challenge for me but it is something that I need to work on. Over the last year, I have come to the conclusion that I often push myself past my limits (physical and emotional limits) in order to make the lives of others easier. However, in doing so, I have made myself more tired/sick than I think I have in my life.

I am currently sick now and rather than not pushing myself, last night we had our annual New Year's Eve performance. In this performance, we danced down the street and then we had three, 30-minute shows - - out of which I danced all but one number. Luckily people told me that while I was performing they couldn't tell that I was sick but it has all caught up to me today. I first got this horrendous head cold thing on my trip to see family (airplanes are definite Petri-dishes) and it hasn't really gotten any better. I have tried different combinations of medications (since I have nasal/sinus pressure, plugged ears and a cough) but none of the medication has truly helped. Maybe I need to keep trying as well as get more sleep (even though today I didn't wake up until about 10:30 this morning and I took a short nap this afternoon).

Another thing that I am going to work on this upcoming year is saying, "no." Saying no to things I don't have time to add to my already busy days; saying no to things I don't want to do; saying no to things that it isn't my responsibility to undertake, saying no to things that push me too far beyond my limit (whether it's mental/physical/emotional)... For me, saying "no" to these types of things has always been more of a theory than a reality but I want to work on changing that. I don't want to be the person that says "no" all the time but I also don't want to say "yes" to things all the time either. While it can be nice at times to be needed but there are times it is exhausting as well....

Something else that I want to work on in this New Year is no longer being a "slave" to my past. As someone pointed out to me last night, the years past are gone and we can no longer change them. All we have is now and we might as well make the most of the time that we do have. That really struck a chord with me and it's something I am going to strive towards this year. I don't want to continue to necessarily focus on those things in my past that are holding me back but rather look towards what I can do to make myself move on from this point forward. We'll see how I do in the coming year.

Well, since I just realized what time it is, I should probably sign off for tonight and see how the first week in 2012 goes. Happy New Year, dear readers! Thanks for joining me in what adventures I encounter... =)