Progress?

Wow. I find it amazing to believe that I have been belly dancing for two years now. There are still times that feels like just yesterday I timidly entered the studio for my first lesson and look at me now! I have performed with the troupe (in I don't know how many shows), performed I don't know how many solos (including with a sword), taught belly dance class when my instructor has had to miss and have moved my way to being a front row dancer. Not too bad in my opinion! =)

I wish at times I felt as if I was making the same type of progress in other aspects of my life.... Don't get me wrong, I know that I am making progress and I'm definitely am not in the same place I was a year ago (or two or three years ago) but I guess I selfishly want more. I wish I was further along in my emotional journey but I know that will take time. Any time I feel as if I am making said progress, life seems to get in the way and I feel like it takes all that's in me to not take more than a step or two backwards. I do better than that some days than others...

I know that another thing for me to work on is to not sell myself short on the progress that I have made (as I have a tendency to do). I often find it easier to apologize for where I see my shortcomings as opposed to taking credit for the accomplishments that I have made. I tend to downplay what I have accomplished and I can say that I have definitely done that more in the last number of years (even when I was still married).

This is especially difficult in terms of the weight I have lost as opposed to weight that I still want/need to lose. I know that I have made tremendous progress in terms of losing weight and keeping it off, however there are still times I see the "old" me when I look in the mirror. I know that other people don't see it but unfortunately I still do. Maybe, no matter what weight goals I reach I will sometimes still see myself in the mirror that way but I just have to work towards seeing the new way as well. I think one of the things that will help is wearing clothes that actually fit as well as clothes that are more my age. I know that for work I need to buy clothes that are durable and are easy to wash but I don't have to look so frumpy when doing so. I think I just need to start getting some quality pieces (even if that means spending a little more upfront) and changing the look based on what accessories I wear with the outfit and maybe that will help. Only time will tell, I guess. (one more thing I need to start saving my pennies for...)

At least one problem that I was going to have to save pennies for has seemingly (knock on wood) corrected itself. Actually I had to change something I was doing.... I have been writing on and off about my car's check engine light coming on as I was driving. Turns out I was keeping my foot on the clutch too long, popping the clutch, and that's what was causing the light to come on. Now that I know it, I have changed how I drive and the light has (so far) stayed off. Now that I have written about it, I know that it's going to start acting up again but at least I'm prepared. Fingers crossed that it behaves itself though! =)

Well, since I have belly dancing to work on as well as a crazy busy upcoming week, I should probably sign off for tonight. We'll see what kinds of things this week has in store for me... =)

Next step...

In current book, the wasband has been a main character. In the sequel, I will be the main character. In a lot of ways that's an awfully odd concept for me. I am working on my own story and, as of right now, I am just looking at a book filled with empty pages. As an avid reader (and a writer; even if it's just my blog) and empty book can be a little disconcerting. Yes, that means it is full of possibilities, but as I've written before, sometimes too many possibilities can be an overwhelming thing.

I guess to keep it from being too overwhelming; I can look at it as I look at writing my post each week. I start with a blank document and add one word at a time. A combination of words turns into a sentence. Sentences blend together to create paragraphs and so on. That's how I have to look at my story right now. One word/one thought at a time and go from there. It's okay if I don't know how it's going to end when I start, I just have to write. And while with writing, I can hit the delete/backspace key if I don't like what I've written, I know I can't do that with life. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I am hesitating seeing the blank pages before me...

I just have to realize for myself that even if I do make a mess/mistake, all I have to do is clean-it up and move on. I don't have to let a mistake define me or who I am working on becoming (the best version of myself that I can become). I also don't have to try and erase the mistake but rather learn from it and move on from there. Besides, there is no eraser in what we call life. I know that it may not always be easy, but we were never promised that life would be easy.... It's just life. Make of it what you will... As Kermit the Frog says, "life's like a movie, write your own ending.... keep believing, keep pretending..."

He's one smart Frog. =)

I'm stealing from myself this week.... These thoughts were on my mind, appeared in my blog almost a year ago and they have really been coming back to me this week especially. I have been finding myself having a difficult time lately in the concept of me being a "blank slate" in which to write my story. Over the past number of years, I have created a persona that those around me think is who I am on the inside. After being introspective of that persona, I don't know if that's who I truly am; but it is the safety blanket persona that I have wrapped around myself. Now that I'm peeling a corner up of the safety blanket to remove it, I am encountering some resistance from within myself as well as those around me.

One of the things that I know that I need to work on is standing up for myself. In doing so, I know that will entail making a commitment to a choice I make and sticking to it - and when I do that, be willing to accept either the positive or negative consequences that come from those decisions. I have tried standing up for myself over the past few days but find myself backpedaling based on the reaction of those around me. This is the next step of my journey - making the conscious decision of standing up for myself and then sticking to that decision. I'm not 100% sure how to do that other than just making the commitment to myself and asking for those around me to help hold me accountable to said commitment.

I think a lot of my backpedaling comes from wanting to please those around me. When I put their needs ahead of my own though, is it really doing either one of us any good? Sure, those around me are getting what they want but at what expense? Up until now, rather than have to deal with disappointing those around me, I go out of my way to take care of what they need me to. I think now it might be time to be a little selfish and take care of me some. I know that there's not going to be a way for me (personally) to just give it up cold turkey but it is something I can work towards. I mean, I know that my nature is to be a nurturer (who else would willingly be a pre-school teacher?!?) so I know that I won't ever be able to stop wanting to help people but I know that it's up to me to decide who/when I'm going to help. It's all a process.

I am starting to learn that there is more to life than watching those around me live it. Now, the next step will be for me to start getting out there and living my own and not having those around me manipulate my life to make theirs easier... Wish me luck!