It's quiet........ Too quiet.......

After having my parents visit me for a week, my apartment is now way too quiet. I absolutely loved having them here and was very sad to see them have to go home (I have always hated 'good-byes' and having my parents leave after their visit was very difficult for me). I guess before they came, I didn't realize how quiet my apartment can be when it's just me sitting here. Yes, I often have the TV on (even if it's just on for background noise) or I have the washer and/or dryer going but it's not the same as having someone to talk to, someone to laugh with. When my parents were here, we laughed and talked a lot.

I know that other people think it, but my parents definitely make me feel as if they are my biggest supporters. That's one of the reasons why I talk to my parents (at least) once a week. While it would be nice to be able to see them on a regular basis, but it does help me to talk with them on the phone.

There were lots of things that we did out of the apartment while they were here as well... We walked/explored the beach on a VERY windy day (which made it cold but also made it so the beach was not crowded at all) which allowed some very cool pictures of waves crashing upon the sand and rocks.

My belly dance troupe had a gig on New Year's Eve and that was the first time my parents saw me dance in person. It did add to my nerves some I think but I also think it also helped push me to do my best. I loved the photos that my Dad took (he even took a short video on his camera as well which was neat). Another thing that was wonderful about that night is my Mom danced with us in the processional that the troupe participated in. Even though the processional was only a few short blocks, by the time we reached the end, it felt as if we had danced an entire performance. Even though we were tired, it was a great night overall.

Another day, we went to the local aquarium (which was lots of fun) and did some touristy things. The following day, we went out whale watching. The whale watching was AWESOME!! We saw gray whales, dolphins, jellyfish, sea otters, and sea lions. I had wanted to go whale watching in the past but just never have. It was great to go out onto the ocean with my parents (and the other people on the boat) and just enjoy the experience. When things get overly stressful, I just might have to go and experience that again.

My parents also helped me rearrange a lot of things in my apartment to make it feel more like a "home." My parents bought/assembled two shelving units for me and I have displayed some of my photos and my knick-knacks. These are things that I have had in boxes in almost a year and a half. It is nice to see them again. While I still have quite a bit of my stuff in boxes, it does make it feel a little less like warehouse living to now have some of these things out of boxes.

Because my parents helped me to get my apartment together, the next step will be to open my place up to friends or have a girl's night or something here. While it won't be the same as having my parents out here again, it'll be nice for it to not be so quiet in my apartment again.

Even though my parents just left (and I know that they needed to get back to their lives) I'm already looking forward to the next time they might be able to visit... Or maybe someone else from my family to visit...

Just goin' through the motions.....

Well, we made it through another year and a lot has happened..... As the year came to a close (and a new year beginning), I decided to get a little introspective.

I apologize for my last several blog postings where I have just been "goin' through the motions" when it comes to my musings. I have been doing the same in my life in the last month or so as well it seems.

I know that I've written before about not necessarily wanting to be invisible anymore but I seem to have slipped back into that old pattern. There are times where I feel that if I talk, people don't listen (even if they ask my opinion) and other times that if they do hear what I have to say, it's immediately discounted because I am the one who said it. After enough moments such as these, it makes it very easy to slip back into old patterns of invisibility. When that happens, I tried to fight those feelings for awhile but I am unfortunately finding that it is just way less effort (and heartache) if I just slip back to being invisible or just go through the motions.

In the last few weeks, I have also found myself quoting the views of my wasband as if his views are still my own. I need to remind myself that he no longer has any hold on me whatsoever. It probably didn't help that I had a weird dream about him the other night.... My belly dance troupe had a performance on New Year's Eve and I danced a new solo as well as participating in all of the troupe dances. In my dream, I was in the middle of my solo when the wasband approached me holding a samurai sword. He used the sword to stab me in the knee saying that if I wouldn't dance for him, I would never dance for anyone else again.... The dream really affected me for some reason and I'm still trying to work out the meaning behind it; especially since I wasn't a belly dancer at all when I was with him.... Having this dream didn't help calm my nerves before my solo.... It also didn't help make me feel overly visible. I need to work on not letting him have this kind of power over me anymore... I need to take the proverbial sword away from him and not allow him to stab or chip away at me anymore... I'm not quite sure how I'm going to do it but it is definitely something for me to work on.

Yes, I realize that I am making myself feel this way but I guess I am allowing my wasband to still manipulate me as well; even if it is indirectly. Because I have allowed him this power over me still, I have been trying to go through the motions at work, my blog writings, and it feels like my life in general; I've just been trying to 'exist.' Even though I have been making personal strides forward, there are times where I don't feel as if I've been doing enough (I don't know if any of you out there reading this have noticed but I am more than just a bit hard on myself). I'm not necessarily expecting perfection from myself (since, as I've written before, I don't believe that the idea of perfection necessarily exists), I just expect a lot out of me.

I think part of it too may have to do with seeing others around me achieving things that I want out of life both personally and professionally and I'm not obtaining the goals in which I have set for myself. Maybe it's because I'm expecting too much out of myself that I am finding difficulty in achieving said goals. I think I need to consider setting small, obtainable goals rather than lofty ones so I can see that I am making progress. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I will keep some of my lofty goals (why not reach for the stars at times?) but I also need to set some smaller goals to help not get so easily discouraged.

I need to remind myself about finding joy along the journey of life. The destination isn't important (we all know what our inevitable demise is going to be at some point) but what is important is the journey along the way. This is something that our fearless leader of the dance troupe reminded us of this past week, that the journey of the movement is what's important, not the destination. She reminded us that this aspect of dancing could be applied to life as well. I will just have to work on that in the upcoming weeks; finding joy in the journey along the path in front of me.

I wish all of you a prosperous and joyous New Year! I also wish you luck in your own personal journeys along this path called life....