=)

Today was another belly dance performance for me. =) The troupe performed at a street festival for a dedicated crowd huddled in their coats and under umbrellas (it was cold and rainy - - we were performing on an outside stage under a tent). I envied them huddled in their blankets especially since the wind was blowing the cold rain on us poor half-naked belly dancers... It was a fun performance but I came home afterwards and immediately changed into sweatpants and a sweatshirt. It has rained most of the day, so I have tried to stay warm and cozy inside (my dogs are curled up beside me and I think they appreciate staying warm and cozy on this chilly, rainy day).

I have decided, while I will never truly be a "girly girl," I do enjoy getting dressed up and participating in belly dance performances. It's all about becoming someone else inside of me and it's a part of me I am just beginning to explore. My instructor gave me a copy of the dance from last weekend before class yesterday. When I got home after running some errands, I watched the DVD. After the initial shock, I watched myself dance. It was like I was watching someone else. Part way through watching my performance, I found there were tears in my eyes. The tears came from feeling so proud of myself. I am proud of myself for doing a solo after only dancing for approximately 4.5 months. Sure, there were things I wish I could go back and change (as my instructor told me, I need to work on smiling more when I'm dancing and I would agree with that) but the fact I performed a solo at all is HUGE!

Another thing I am proud of myself for is for one of the thoughts I shared with my instructor. She had sent me some photos via e-mail from the performance last weekend. When I thanked her for sending me the photos, I told her that looking at the photos reminded me of how I felt the night of the performance - - I actually felt beautiful. For those of you out there reading who know me, you know what a big deal that is for me.

As I have shared before, I haven't always had the greatest self-esteem but it is something I am working on. Belly dance has helped me work on this part of my quest. While there are still moments where I may look at how I look and say "ugh!" there are other times where I tell myself that I have the curves of a belly dancer and I should be proud of those curves. I am working on being proud of my curves and making myself healthier overall. These are feelings I may not have ever reached hearing that I was "okay" how I was.... In one aspect, I am glad that I have had the opportunity to reach these conclusions (even if I had to deal with everything I have the last year and a half).

Once again, even more things I'm learning from belly dance....... =)

It was FABULOUS!!

The Casbah is over and not only did I survive, I did GREAT!! I was the first solo dance (we did a beginner's class group dance first and then I did my dance) and I forgot it part way through but I never stopped! One lady came up to me afterwards and told me that after the group dance she was hoping I was going to do one of the solos and then after my solo she's thinking of starting class. =) I thought that was a pretty cool compliment. Another lady asked me how long I have lived in the country and when I told her my entire life, she asked if I had visited the Middle East at least because she thought I looked as if I was from (or visited) Algeria or someplace like that.

When my instructor introduced me, she told everyone that my Mom got me started belly dancing only a few months ago and that Mom had also made my costume for me. I thought it was pretty neat introduction.

Lots of the other dancers told me that I had great energy and they were impressed with my first solo! There was even another instructor who danced last night and she told me that she can't wait to see me on a stage again.My instructor was the final dancer and she danced with zills (finger cymbals) and then she put a candle holder on her head and danced around. Pretty impressive. =)

After all of the solos were over, my instructor put some music on and we all just danced around doing our "own thing." While I was exhausted afterwards, it was SO much fun and I am looking forward to performing again.

On the other end of the emotional spectrum, today I said "goodbye" to my wasband. Tomorrow he is moving to another city in the state (a number of hours away) so this is, most likely, the last time I will ever see him. I guess it is kind of appropriate that it rained today.... It was bittersweet to have the opportunity to be able to see him one last time and have a chance to talk with him some. While it was difficult, it was a chance for me to be able to end that chapter in my life. I will never forget him or our time together (and he told me that he will always remember me and doesn't, even now, regret marrying me) but, unfortunately for us, it just wasn't meant to be forever.

I do, honestly, wish the best for him and his own adventures. He wished the same for me. He said no matter what, he believes that good things are in store for me and I just have to show the world the "real me" and he thinks no one will be able to resist me.

While in some ways it was difficult for me to hear those things for him, it was also good for me to hear it from him, I think. To hear from him that he still thinks I am a good person after all that we have been through the last 16 months (and to see in his eyes that he truly meant it) touched my heart and caused me to realize that he's right...

Even though I have made mistakes in my life and I wasn't the perfect wife for him, that doesn't mean I can't be the wife someone else is looking for. Now that this chapter is truly closed, maybe I will be able to find that man....

But, for now, I will continue to focus on me and the things that I love doing (belly dance) and if I happen to find him, great. =) And if I don't find him anytime soon, that's great too...