I've been wondering....

Have you ever wondered how your life would/could be different based on the choices you have made in you life? If one decision would have been changed, where would you be? Who would you be as a person?

I know that life is about the unknown but there are times I wonder... What if I wouldn't have seen a man leaning against a wall, all alone, in a room full of people laughing and dancing? What if I wouldn't have approached said man, jokingly said, "What are you doing over here all by yourself?" and then after his response, playfully pulled him off of the wall by his tie onto the dance floor where we danced together for song after song? Then, after talking (long distance) on the phone with then same man for hours and hours and hours (and hours and hours.......) decided to go visit him and come back home with a promise ring..... A few months went by and he vacationed with my family.... Few months after that went to go visit him again and we went stargazing where he asked me to wear "his star" forever and he gave me a diamond ring.... Then, just about 5 years after that, forever ended....

What would have been different in my life if one "yes" would have turned into a "no" or vise versa?

Granted, if one of those things would have changed there are other things that probably would be different as well... I probably would still be living in the state where I grew-up (even though there would be nothing wrong with that but I have had the opportunity to live in 3 other beautiful states since then)... I probably would not have started belly dancing... I wouldn't have met the friends that I have along the way... I probably would not have finally dealt with some "issues" from my past (they would have stayed emotionally buried where I tried to leave them for 10 years and they surfaced regardless of my best efforts)...

As I've written before, if, given the opportunity, would I go back and change even one thing in my relationship with the wasband knowing the inevitable outcome (the marriage ending in divorce)? Even after everything the divorce put me through, I think my answer would still be, "no, I wouldn't change things." Would I like to change how I reacted to certain situations? Of course. But on the other hand, even changing how I reacted to certain situation, would be changing something and I most likely would not be on the quest that I find myself on today.

Granted, there are days that I think (no, I know) it would be way easier not to be on my current quest. I mean, come on! Who wouldn't think that?! But quests, by their very definition aren't supposed to be easy.

Sigh. All I can do is keep taking things one day at a time, sometimes even just an hour or two at a time (or minutes at a time if necessary). Or, to put it another way, "just keep swimming" (or "just keep shimmying"). =)

Thanks for reading and I hope you read again next time. =)

Well, I made it....

At church today, the choir sang a piece that I didn't think I would be able to sing all the way through. The piece we sang was a combination of two songs - Be Still My Soul and You Raise Me Up (made popular by Josh Groban and Celtic Woman). The first song, Be Still My Soul, I sang as a solo at my Grandfather's funeral so it always brings back memories. Then, You Raise Me Up, reminds me of who has been there for me through this very difficult last 15 months. Needless to say, it was a difficult piece to get through for me...

Because I knew this was the song we were going to sing during the church service today, I've been listening to many different songs that talk about overcoming obstacles and adversity. I know that what has happened in my life the last 15 months isn't the worst thing that could ever happen to a person, it has been challenging for me. I know that I still have a lot to work on, but I will get there eventually.

One of the things that I was able to overcome this week was meeting with my wasband. We sold the washer/dryer that has been in storage for the last 6 months or so and I was there to meet with the buyers. Although some people will think I shouldn't have, I talked with my wasband for a bit after the sale was complete. I was able to get some things off of my chest and I feel at least a little better after talking with him.

While it was difficult dealing with him, I think it was necessary at this point in my quest. I was attracted to my wasband at very first glance and every time I see him, those initial feelings come back. Like every time before, those feelings came back when I saw him this week, but after thinking about it, those feelings weren't as strong this time. Part of me will always love him; I was married to him for 5 years and wanted to have his children......

When he first left, he told me that he wanted to try and stay "friends." That confused me because I couldn't see how we could possibly go from being man and wife to just being friends. Granted, I'm not saying at this point I want to be friends with him, but I am determined not to hate him and "I must remember these feelings and to use this in my acting...." (original FAME movie).

I want to move on from this experience and strive to be a better person in the long run. I don't know where life is going to lead me or when I'm going to get there, but I will get there eventually....