Challenges....

We were given a challenge at church today. Instead of coming up with a New Year's Resolution, come up with a word that defines how you want to work on aspects of your life. Some people said "patience," others said "faith," another was "perseverance." The one that struck me was "courage." Courage to challenge yourself to go outside of your own comfort zone and face situations that would normally cause you to run and hide. I think that is the word that I may use as well. I may come up with another word as time goes on but for right now, I think that courage is appropriate.

Another challenge is one that I want to pose to others (and to myself). The challenge being the strive for "perfection." In my opinion, the expectation of perfection is a dangerous thing. Because, then inevitably, when you fall below perfection, people wonder about your performance and can even question you as an individual. Thus, you begin to question other areas of your life as well. I think, striving to be the "best you that you can" is better in the long run than trying to obtain perfection.

Maybe that's one of the things that caused problems between me and my wasband. I thought I had the perfect husband. Yes, there were times that I doubted that perfection, but for the most part, I thought my husband was pretty perfect. Along with everything else, I just expected too much from him and he couldn't do it anymore. Some things have been coming up at work that are causing me to question multiple aspects of my life, therefore, I am once again questioning the reason why the wasband left in the first place.

In my head, I know that the reason why things fell apart between the two was us was because of things that both of us did (or didn't do). However, at times like this, I begin to examine all of the things that I did that may have pushed him away (and am not necessarily focused on the things that he did as well). There are times where I'm only able to focus on what I did/didn't do that caused him to leave our marriage. I think part of that comes from that's all I can focus on. He told me (more than once) that everything I needed to know about why he left me was in the letter he left and when I questioned that (and even gave him a list of questions I had), he still didn't give me any sort of answers or resolve.

Maybe, for whatever reason, I'm not meant to know why he left. That may be one of the challenges that I need to face and overcome along my quest. Having that knowledge doesn't make things any easier, but it's a step in that direction. One foot in front of the other is the only was to make progress (even if it feels as if you're going backwards, it's still motion, and that 's better than standing still).

More Insight.... I think....

I have come to the conclusion that I no longer want to be an afterthought. I don't want to be the person that people don't remember if I was involved (or even the opposite, say I was involved if I wasn't because they don't remember if I was there or not). Yes, there are times where I like/want to blend into the shadows but I believe that being an afterthought is something else entirely...

For example, after more than a year from when my divorce began, someone asked if there was anything they could do to assist. Wow. Thanks but why are you approaching me with this now? Where was this offer a year ago? I don't know if they were asking now if they just remembered me or what but I don't want to be that person anymore. The "whoops, did they need.....?" person.

Maybe part of why I can be so easy to forget is because I have been so closed off (especially in painful/stressful situations) emotionally to keep from getting hurt. I have talked extensively to my parents and my friends throughout my divorce and I know that they have helped me more than I can ever thank them for. I also know that my writing has helped. The point is, no one else approached me to ask if I needed any assistance. Even if someone would have just offered to bring me dinner or take me out to eat so I could get out of the house...

This is one of the reasons I never wanted to get a divorce. There is a certain stigma attached to it. While I know that more and more people are getting divorces these days but that doesn't stop the stigma from being attached to it. There especially seems to be a stigma attached to the one who was "left." My wasband left me so it feels like people look at me for the reason why he left. Sorry, don't know what to tell you, because I still don't know all of the reasons why... Yes, I am the first to admit there were ways I could have been a better wife but when I found out he was unhappy, he didn't give me the opportunity to be a better wife. Maybe, someday, I'll have the opportunity to be a better wife to someone else...

Friends of mine have said in this last year that it must be nice to just have me to worry about (other than my doggies). I didn't necessarily know what to say at the time so it has been on my mind for awhile. I now have something to compare it to - it's like staring into your closet. Let me explain. Have you ever looked into your full closet and complain, "I have nothing to wear...."? That's how I feel right now about being single. I don't really have to do anything for anyone. Yes, I have my job and I have my belly dance class but other than that, I can do/not do whatever I want. And while that is sometimes nice, there are many times where I tell myself, "now what?" or I find that I have played on the computer for 6 hours straight and the only reason I stop playing is because the dogs want to go outside.

I did, however, go outside my comfort zone yesterday and I took myself to the movies. I was extremely nervous about it but I did it anyway. And you know what, I really enjoyed myself. After my belly dance class, I ran home to change clothes and decided to go to the movies. I got to sit wherever I wanted. I didn't have to share my popcorn. I got to sit through the credits because I wanted to. While I've always enjoyed going to the movies on a date, it was kind of liberating to go by myself. I may have to do it again sometime.

Well, enough of my ramblings for tonight. I wish everyone sweet dreams and I'll write more of my musings later. =)