Insight?

A friend of mine and her husband gave me something to ponder this last week. They (jokingly) said that if I continue my belly dancing, I could always consider becoming like a Genie (as in “I Dream of Jeannie”), live in a bottle and if I felt like moving, I could just toss my bottle into the ocean and see where I end up. After some moments this last year and even this last week, that doesn’t seem like too bad of an idea…

There were times (in the last 14 months and this last week) where I felt so little that I actually could have placed myself into a bottle to hide. The funny thing about feeling little is there is nothing you can really do but wait that feeling out and go from there. My wasband never really understood feeling “little.” I don’t know if many people really understand it, but it is the only way I have found to express how I’m feeling at times. I don’t know what causes me to feel “little,” the feeling just comes at times. Granted, since I started doing belly dancing, I haven’t felt “little” but I have felt that way the last few days.

Maybe part of it comes from coming home after spending time with family. While it’s nice to be back where I can see the ocean daily, I still miss the love/comfort being with family offers. Another part of feeling “little” came from flipping through TV channels the other night. I landed on a show where people were getting married and of course I started watching just as they were reciting their marriage vows. That was like a blow to my already bruised heart.

When the divorce started, my heart was battered and bleeding. Over time, the wounds have started to heal but the bruising is still there. Listening to these two individuals vow the same things my wasband and I did was extremely hard to listen to but I also couldn’t bring myself to switch channels. When I got married, I thought that was going to be it. Now, someday, I have to face doing it again. And that fact does make me extremely nervous. While I am starting to feel better about myself due to my weight loss and due to my belly dancing, I’m still not entirely self-confident.

At least, today at church, a couple of people gave me a boost because they told me that they are seeing that I am getting some of my “sparkle” back. After these last 14 months, that’s good to know. So maybe I don’t have to live in a bottle after all (even though that would be a WAY easier way if I want to move). =)

While I know that I’m not 100% there yet, it’s good to know that progress is being made. I guess another comforting fact is, if I was knew 100% what I’m “supposed” to know and be 100% what I’m “supposed” to be, I’d be dead. It’s a comfort to know that I’m not dead yet. =)

First blog post of a new year

Well, I made it home from visiting family safe and sound. Coming home has always been kind of bittersweet for me. Even when I was little and we went to visit family, I never wanted to say "goodbye." My parents usually found me hiding in the car when it was time to say goodbye. While I'm not as bad now, I still don't like to say "goodbye."

While I was glad to come home to my dogs (even though they weren't necessarily happy to see me), I already miss being around family. Yes, part of me says that for selfish reasons (it was nice having Mom cook for me again) but it was nice to forget about single living for awhile. Even if it was just my parents and I at their house, it was still two more people than I've lived with this last year. Maybe one day I'll get to live a little closer to family... Just have to see if I can find a job first...

There were parts of traveling home that were kind of strange. When I was in one of the airports, I saw a man in Navy uniform that looked like my wasband. That made my heart stop for a moment and then when I realized it wasn't him, my heart continued to beat faster than normal. I see men in Navy uniforms all the time, but this was the first time I saw one that happened to look like my wasband. Not like I know what I would have done if it was him but it wasn't so I didn't have to come up with anything...

Today, I had to go buy some milk and some other basics after coming home from my trip. One of the things I also decided to buy was a scale. For those of you who really know me, you know what a big deal that is. When my wasband and I moved to CA, our scale was broken in the move and I just never got around to (ok, never wanted to) replace it. After being at my parents, and using their scale, I figure I should have one. From the last time I was at my parents (approximately 15 months ago), I went from 280 pounds (UGH!!) to 225 pounds. Still not necessarily where I want to be, but it's definitely an improvement! Now I just have to continue to work on things and watch the numbers still go down (I hope). =)

Well, laundry calls and I should probably get ready to head back to work tomorrow. I look forward to posting more about my quest as the year continues! =)