Road to Adulthood

Why is it that the road to adulthood is a treacherous one?  I mean, I understand that it's not supposed to necessarily easy to make it to adulthood but should it feel as if it is a road that is laced with death traps?  Oaky, maybe death traps is an over-exaggeration but it definitely makes a visual impact...  I'm not completely disillusioned in expecting the road to adulthood would be all sunshine and unicorns and rainbows but occasionally those things would be nice; maybe that's it's own form of disillusionment....

I'm sure part of feeling this way stems from currently fighting with a friend long-distance because she doesn't understand why I'm not happy and I need to fix it.  I don't know if she was hoping if by living vicariously through me she would gather the strength to make her the cross country move that she's longing to make and she's disappointed that it didn't just all magically fall into place for me when I moved or what it is.  She's often told me at different points over our friendship that I need to learn how to be happy.  I've asked her before what she means by that - sometimes she answers and sometimes she doesn't - but today she just told me to figure out how to be happy.

There are times that it's intriguing to think of emotions as if they were different switches and that I could chose to turn them on and off.  Even if that was possible, I don't know if that's something I would want to do.  Part of what makes us human is the unexpected emotion that could hit at any time - sure sometimes they are not the emotion you want to feel at any particular time but we're not robots.  I'm not exactly sure where I was going to go with that train of thought but there it is...

I spent the bulk of this weekend either doing things for work or working so I don't necessarily feel as if I had a weekend.  Yesterday I babysat for one of my nephews and my niece so my parents, my brother, my sister-in-law and her parents could all go out to eat and discuss childcare arrangements as my sister-in-law is preparing to go back to work before too long.  It was fun to watch both of them and my sister-in-law brought me food back from the restaurant so it wasn't too bad of an afternoon.  Today I spent time building a sensory table with my Dad to take into work and then Mom and I went shopping for things to put in the sensory table (plastic dinosaurs/frogs, scoops, beans, rice, bowls with spoons, etc.).  I'm hoping the kids will enjoy playing with it as much as I think they will.  I'm slightly frustrated that all of the supplies have come out of my pocketbook but if the kids have fun with the items, some of that frustration might fade away.

The next two Fridays, I will have the opportunity to spend some time with my other three nephews as I babysit them so my sister and brother-in-law can go out.  I'm hoping I don't fall asleep while I'm watching them since I will work a full day at my job, hopefully run home to change clothes before running over to their house and watch the boys until who knows what time.  If nothing else, it gives me a reason to tell work that I have to leave mostly on time for the next couple of Friday nights and that I'll be unable to work from 5 am - 6:10 pm like I did this past Friday...

Well, my dear readers, the road to adulthood is calling me and saying that I need to finish laundry before I can head to bed at hopefully a decent time so I can (once again, hopefully) get some sleep before starting my work week very early tomorrow.  On the plus side, tomorrow I am supposed to have someone start at work who has been earmarked to be the director's assistant; which means she will basically be helping me achieve anything random to my day that comes up - if someone calls out and I don't have coverage, she'll be it; if I need someone to cover a lunch, she'll do that; need someone to answer phones if I'm unavailable, her job again - hope she lasts...

Thank you for joining me, my dear readers.  Just to give you a heads up, I am debating taking a hiatus for a little bit but I will hopefully let you know before that happens...

Magic is almost gone...

It's been one of those weeks where, once again, the magic has mostly run out and I just barely was able to make things work on a daily basis.  Each day I had multiple staff call out and I was called upon to make the schedule work.  I'm not exactly sure how I am expected to continue to keep making things work but the fact that I've been able to each time it happens makes it difficult to convince others that things cannot continue along this path.  Hopefully we'll have some new staff start soon and that will help with some things but only time will tell...

I took a couple of opportunities to branch out some this past week by joining a new member's class at my parent's church and I went to a rehearsal for one of the handbell choirs also at the church.  The new member's class was interesting and over the next few weeks, I'm supposed to attend 2 or three more (I'd have to check the calendar).  As for handbells, I felt like somewhat of a failure there...  I had told the director that I had been part of a handbell choir before but it was a small group and the director marked music - this is a large group, the music isn't marked at all and because of time, he doesn't have time to wait for anyone.  He had placed me in a part I hadn't played before, wanted me to play four bells at one time, while using techniques I hadn't been taught before.  After about five minutes, he removed me from that position and had someone tutor me on learning bass chimes - we'll see how that works out in the long run...

Even though I had never learned what I was expected to know, I felt like a failure and like I was demoted from the part from bells to the chimes.  I know that I need to get to the point where I embrace the chime part but I'm not there currently.  Hopefully I will get to that point before the next rehearsal this week.

Yesterday was a bright spot in the bleak week because some of my family members gathered at my youngest brother's house for food and family fun.  We spent several hours playing video games, some balloon game my nephew invented and eating yummy food prepared by my brother and sister-in-law. Days like that definitely help to boost my spirits and I hope that I can carry those feelings into this upcoming week.

I have been beating myself up quite a bit this past week for things that were out of my control and it's been somewhat difficult to separate all of the reasoning behind feeling this way.  I know that I have felt beaten down by things happening at work as well as feeling somewhat like a loser for not being able to afford a house I have fallen in love with and I'm sure that it also stems from not getting enough sleep - again....  Since I'm behind on sleep, I should put the computer away for tonight in an attempt to head to bed.  Hopefully sleep will not elude me tonight...

401st post

It just came to my attention that this is the 401st post I'm making to my blog.  I don't know at this point if I've had a lot to say or if I've reached beyond my limit...  I would like to think I've had some epiphanies in that time but I don't know if I can say that with 100% certainty.  

This past week, my Mom, sister-in-law and I survived our first Aqua Zumba class and we're looking forward to heading back next week; at least I think we are.  When we got to the fitness center, we weren't exactly sure where we were going but we confidently went a direction we thought was right and we ended up finding our way.  After we changed into our swimsuits and took our "cleansing showers," we went into the pool area where we were instructed to pick up a set what looked to be barbells made out of pool noodles.  The pool water was warm, the music was fun and the barbells ended up being resistance training for part of the class.  We all ended up with some sore muscles but we laughed a lot so those are the things that are important.

Something else that I'm looking forward to is in a few weeks, I have the opportunity to take another dance fitness class from the person I took a class from a few weeks ago with gave us the phrase, "Do you."  I have invited my sister, my sister-in-law and my brother's long-time girlfriend to attend the class with me; so far, I know my sister-in-law and I have purchased tickets but I'm not sure about anyone else.  I think it's fun that my sister-in-law has decided to become adventurous with me; either that or she thinks I'm completely crazy and just wants to be there to see me crash and burn...  I'm definitely hoping it's because she's just wanting to be adventurous with me but I guess time will tell...

This past week at work once again left me with people calling out "sick" and me having to rearrange the daily schedule (sometimes more than once a day) in order to make sure all of the classrooms had coverage throughout the entire day.  There were a few times that I myself had to go into a room in order to make things work but we made it through another week.  On the plus side, one of my bus drivers is going to try to come into work this upcoming week (he's been really sick and was even hospitalized) so driving the bus will be one thing that's taken off of my plate.  My assistant director is also theoretically coming back to work this week after being off for surgery for a week however she's already asked me if she can continue to work half days until she "feels up to" working a full day again.  Like a dummy, I already have told her that if that's what she needs to do, that's what she needs to do; I should ask her one of these days if she really wants her job or not and if the answer is that she does, she needs to come into work for a full day and complete the job that is being asked of her.

I am hoping that I am able to make it through the upcoming week unscathed but we'll see if that's what happens or not.  So I can attempt to gather myself to prepare for the week ahead, make my lunch for tomorrow, and fold/put laundry away, I should probably bring this to a close for tonight.  Thank you for joining me, my dear readers, on this my 401st blog post.  Hopefully something I've written along the way has been meaningful to you or inspired you...  =)

Running out of magic....

Over the last few weeks, I don't think I have had a single day at work where everyone who was scheduled to work has shown up.  Most days, I have had multiple call-outs for different reasons and the "magic" I am able to use in order to manipulate the schedule is dwindling.  When there are multiple call-outs, I usually then have to schedule myself in at least one room to cover staff lunches (and I then find myself eating my lunch in a classroom vs. eating my lunch at my desk since I just can't seem to find the opportunity to leave for my own lunch) and there are times where it becomes a juggling act of who is going to cover where and when.  I told my boss this past Friday that I am going to take over creating the schedule as I'm expected to make it work on a daily basis; currently creating the weekly schedule has been done by my Assistant Director yet it has been up to me to maintain on a daily basis - this system is no longer working for me and I don't know that it ever did work...

I have at least another week before I can let my Assistant Director know about this change as she is out on leave (again).  Since I started in January, I have heard about how sick she's been with multiple sinus infections from everyone and this past Friday she had surgery to clear out her sinus cavities.  Okay, I can understand and be sympathetic to not feeling well as I myself haven't felt well since I started working here but I've been there every single day and work above and beyond my requisite daily 8 hours.  She has been working half days for the past week and a half (when she didn't call out for not feeling well) and when she has been there, it's seemed to gather sympathy and accomplish little.  I was actually told by another staff member that I was not being compassionate towards my Assistant Director because as she was talking about not feeling well (again) and her surgery (again), I walked away to actually accomplish some work (my Assistant Director and I share a large workstation).  I can be compassionate but I was there to get a job done; because, honestly, someone needed to...  On the plus side, it looks like I won't have to work open to close this upcoming week since my boss said she'd close so I didn't have to; however, this past Friday, she told me I should try to leave "on time" and I left after 5 pm.

I find it ironic that I work so much throughout the week and yet I had a staff member this past week tell me (while she was having nothing less than a temper tantrum) that I have done practically nothing in the nine weeks I've worked at the center.  This particular staff member and her assistant had a falling out this past week and they each took their opportunity to take out their frustrations with one another on me.  I don't mind them taking their frustrations out on me because I actually prevented the argument to continue in front of the kids in their class but I took offense to her saying that I haven't done anything in the time since I've arrived as Director.  Are there things that I could have done differently in my time so far?  Absolutely.  But wanting to have done things differently doesn't mean I've accomplished nothing...

This upcoming week I am hoping to have the opportunity to refresh/rejuvenate myself and do something outside of work because Aqua Zumba class starts this Thursday night.  I'm not exactly sure what kind of expectations I have going into the class since I've never done it before but I'm hoping more than anything else that it will be fun.  I'm sure attending the class with my sister-in-law and Mom are going to help make it fun but I am hoping we also enjoy the class (especially since I am the one who convinced my sister-in-law to sign up for it).  If nothing else, having the class, it makes it so I have to attempt to leave work at a decent time in order to get home, grab something to eat, and get ready to head to the pool for class.

Well, my dear readers, since I've been sitting here for approximately the last 20 minutes trying to think of something else to write and not coming up with anything, I should probably bring this to a close for the evening in an attempt to gather what magic I can in order to make it through the upcoming week.  I hope your weekend has allowed you to do just that!  =)

Sick

My dear readers,

Sorry to disappoint anyone but, due to sickness, tonight's blog post has been cancelled.  Hopefully I will feel up to writing next week...

Gypsy

Challenge Accepted...

Something I read in an article this past week made me go back to a post I wrote in December - what would you do if you weren't afraid?  I issued that as a challenge to myself and today I did something where that challenge was accepted.  I was looking through the catalog of classes offered through the local parks and recreation department and Mom asked if any of them interested me; that led to me, my sister-in-law and my Mom to sign up for a six-week Aqua Zumba class.  Signing up for this class is either going to the dumbest thing ever or the most fun thing ever but we're going to go into it with the mentality of "challenge accepted" and "GERONIMO!" (see post from 3/13/16 if you don't understand "Geronimo").

My sister-in-law watched a video clip of Aqua Zumba that I sent to her and she's convinced that she's going to die from this class but was put some at ease when I reminded her that Mom used to be a lifeguard and I am CPR instructor certified.  Since I don't really have any expectations going into the class, I'm going to embrace it as an adventure until the class starts in a couple of weeks...  In anticipation of our Aqua Zumba class, Mom and I spent most of the afternoon online so we could each buy a new swimsuit.  I, for one, find that to be a particularly arduous task but I finally found one that I think will work (and so did she) but we'll see what happens once it arrives and I try it on.

It's nice to have something to look forward to after surviving yet another work week.  We've had some different illnesses and it started to hit some staff members and I actually had six people call-out on Friday (one of them being a bus driver; I luckily got out of driving the bus because a few of the schools we usually drop off at had the day off so one driver was able to manage all of the stops).  I'm not exactly sure how I was able to bring it all together and get things covered but I somehow magically did...  Going into this upcoming week, I'm really hoping that I don't have to do it again (because I'm not sure if I could repeat the magic) but I'm not entirely optimistic about it; I just received a text message from my assistant director telling me she just started to throw up so we'll see what that means for tomorrow.  I really don't want to get sucked into working open to close again but I have a feeling that is what's going to be expected...  On Friday when so many people called out sick, I tried to get in touch with my boss telling her I really needed some assistance - it took her six hours to get back in touch with me...

I have once again found myself in an all too familiar situation where I am working far too many hours than should be expected of one person and I'm just told to figure it out.  I definitely need to find someway to obtain and maintain some semblance of a work/home balance but I have no clue where to start.  In anticipation of working too many hours in one day tomorrow, I am going to bring this to a close so I can attempt to get ready to face that kind of a day and head to bed.  Thank you for joining me, my dear readers and I hope you find your own challenge to accept....  =)

Do you!

The title of this week's post isn't a question, it's meant to be a statement or even a declaration.  Some people would say it's crazy but yesterday my sister and I took the opportunity to participate in an hour long dance workout class three hours away; she and her family opted to spend the night there so we drove separately, met up at the class and then because I wasn't feeling great (my major cold or whatever I've had for the last few weeks is still hanging on), I drove back after the class.  Now, this wasn't a "normal" dance workout class - it's extremely upbeat, a little crazy, but it was so much fun!  I found this particular person on YouTube a little while ago and have enjoyed dancing along to his workout songs in my living room so when I saw he was going to be close, I asked my sister if she wanted to go.  I really enjoyed myself and got into the entire experience; she said she enjoyed it but she takes her workouts extremely seriously and seemed more interested in the mechanics of the movements but I don't know what she got out of it overall.

One of the things that the instructor said multiple times throughout the time was for each of us to "do you."  He said that he and his two back-up dancers were up on stage performing "suggestions" on ways to move however, if we felt compelled to move another way to go for it.  There were even times in the different songs that he said "do you" and it was an opportunity to do whatever we wanted to in that moment.  Before we even started the class, he had us get on the floor and place our hand on the wood while he told some crazy story about the wood being from 1700 B.C. and that it was sacred and some other nonsense; but then he said because it was "sacred," we were in a space of no judgement and he hoped that he would be able to lead us in not only a physical workout experience but an emotional experience as well.  I thought that was very cool.  There were people of all shapes, sizes, age, ability, everything there but before we even began, we were told we could feel comfortable in our own skin in his class and he gave us permission to be ourselves.  Even though I belly dance, there are often times that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin so it was nice to have that reminder from him.

There were times in the class that I started to get a little frustrated with myself because I wasn't picking up the dance moves like I wanted to (they were songs that I hadn't done before) but then I reminded myself that it wasn't important to perfect the moves it was important to enjoy the overall experience.  Not only did I work up a sweat during the hour but I felt as if I was able to embrace what he wanted us to get out of the time he was leading us in the dancing.  I think it definitely helped remind me that it's okay to be myself and whatever version of myself that I want to be and that should be enough - no one else needs to approve. 

This reminder was especially important after this past week at work.  Because my assistant director has been on vacation, I worked from open to close for all of last week (and have to do again tomorrow); which meant last week I worked 65.25 hours and got paid for 40 of them (gotta love salary) and tomorrow will be another 13 hour day.  Because I have still been sick and exhausted, it forced me into a pretty dark space mentally and emotionally and I wrote some things on a post-it note one day out of frustration.  Part of me is glad that I didn't hand the post-it note to my boss but part of me wishes that I would have.  This is what the post-it note said (I write really small so it all fit on one post-it):  "There are times where i feel as if the system itself is so far broken that not even someone with my level of knowledge/expertise can fix it.  How much more time/energy should be invested into what feels as if it is a sinking ship?  At what point do you say there are too many holes for one person to plug themselves as the ship is underwater before you drown?  i am not one tho easily or willingly wants to give up but at what point does it become about self preservation?"  In a way it kind of shocked me that not only was I able to write what I was feeling down but that I was also able to accurately explain how I was feeling.

I sent a photo of the post-it note to one of my brothers who, after we texted back and forth a little about it, told me I could change/adapt or I could fade away - there really isn't a third option.  While I know he's right, the thought of it definitely scares me.  If you have been reading my blog for any amount of time (or if you're family), you know that I don't do change well and, depending on the change, I can shut down completely.  At this point, I need to determine what I can/will accept and what I can't/won't and go from there.  I'm not exactly sure what all that is going to entail but I am going to work on it.

Because I have been tired/sick I used today as a "be a bum" day and didn't do much of anything.  I know that a day such as today has been well earned/deserved but it also leaves me feeling slightly guilty about not accomplishing much.  I haven't really spent much time looking for a place to live mostly because it's depressing realizing that I can't afford much (especially after paying my first health insurance premium this week and also paying for 1.5 years of my car registration) and it's also depressing feeling as if I'm failing in different aspects of my life.

Rather than getting into all of that tonight, I am going to focus on the experience from yesterday and find opportunities to "do me" this week and I hope you, my dear readers, can find/embrace opportunities to "do you!"  =)

Tough week...

The joys and excitement from the circus last weekend is gone and this past week has left me feeling burned out and exhausted...

There has been lots of "drama" at work this past week and it's only feeling as if it's going to be worse going into this week.  My assistant director didn't do much assisting this past week as she had different reasons to only work half days or less and she will be on vacation for the next week and a day so I will be on my own (and then she'll be back for 2.5 weeks before she's out for at least another week to have surgery and recovery).  My boss (the founder of the program) has been out of country for the last couple of weeks on vacation and I'm not sure exactly when she's coming back into the building.  I just feel as if I've found myself in a similar situation to the job I just left; where I feel as if it's up to me to accomplish all of the work, putting in too many hours for too little pay, and I'm the only one being held to that standard.  I just don't understand it even though I find myself in the midst of allowing it to happen - again.

It also didn't help this past week that I went to the Bureau of Motor Vehicles to switch my driver's license and car registration - only to be told I didn't have the necessary paperwork with me and I would need to come back.  In complete frustration, I called Mom on the way to pick up the needed paperwork so I could get things taken care of and I had a complete and utter hissy fit over the phone.  I was irritated/annoyed at the situation and myself and I took it out on her (which I did apologize for later).  Rather than looking at it as a bureaucracy and there is always going to be red tape, I seemed to internalize it as a personal failure of mine for the screw up.  Because I was so worked up, I was afraid I was going to fail the knowledge test I needed to take in order to switch my license.  I missed fewer than the number I was allowed to miss and only slightly obsessed over the answers I got wrong...

One of the things that was a plus from this past week is I used some of my "training" from my childhood in two different instances at work.  Growing up, my parents did Christian clowning where they would transform into their clown characters, go into churches and teach Bible lessons.  Because of this, my siblings and I had some unique childhood experiences where we got to not only attend clown conventions but got to participate in the different classes on clown make-up, balloon animals/sculptures, magic, puppetry, etc.  (How many of you can admit to doing that?!)  So what could I possibly have used from that at work this week?  One day I walked into a class just to see what they were up to and one of the teachers was attempting to make balloon animals for the kids based on instructions that came with the balloons and she had never made one before - needless to say, it wasn't going very well for her so I jumped in and assisted (I wasn't sure if I still could make balloon animals still since it's been years and years but I did pretty well with it).

Another opportunity I had was on Friday when it came time to lead chapel for the kids; with about 10 minutes to prepare, I threw something together and it turned out that it worked really well!  At my previous job, I had used a "draw and tell" book where you draw small parts of a picture as you tell the story and you have an overall picture at the end.  When I found out that I would be leading chapel, I wondered if there were "draw and tell" Bible stories for kids so I typed it into an online search engine and found one that I thought I could do.  I told the story, introduced the basic sign language to "Jesus Loves Me" (since Valentine's Day is coming up) and then led a basic prayer.  In the two different chapels I led (each one had two of our older age group classes), I had kids tell me that it was the "best-est" and "fun-est" chapel ever!  I have ordered the book to go along with the Bible "draw and tell" stories in anticipation that I will be leading chapel again in the upcoming weeks.

In an attempt to not come across as overly whiny and/or pathetic (as I am currently feeling and am in jeopardy of putting some of those thoughts/feelings out there), I think I am going to bring this to a close for tonight, hopefully push some of those thoughts from my mind, and get ready for the week ahead.  I hope you embrace opportunities for you and that you can find ways to bring yourself job - I am going to attempt to do the same...  Thank you for joining me, my dear readers.  

There's something about a circus...

"Ladies and gentleman!  Boys and Girls!  Children of all ages!"....  "May all your days be circus days!"  There is something about those phrases along with the smell of the circus (the animals, the cotton candy, the popcorn, etc.) that takes me back to being five years old - where anything and everything was possible and the circus was AMAZING!

Yesterday I told my oldest nephew on a "date" to the circus and I'm not sure who enjoyed it more - him or me.  I picked him up early and we went to the pre-circus fair where he asked if he could ride a camel.  I told him he could ride a camel which he really enjoyed; there was no one waiting after him so he got an extra lap even.  After he rode the camel, I asked him if he wanted to ride an elephant because the line at that moment was short and it would be his only opportunity (my parents took him to the circus a couple of years ago; he didn't want to ride the elephant initially but wanted to after the show and it was impossible due to the length of the line).  At first he said he didn't want to ride an elephant because they were too big but when I offered to ride the elephant with him, he decided that it would be okay.  I immensely enjoyed riding the elephant and I think he enjoyed it even though he was scared.

After our ride on the elephant, we decided it might be a good time to at least locate our seats.  I had selected the seats that I wanted (I wanted to sit in front of center ring and high enough that we could see everything) but I didn't realize what good seats we had - I had purchased club seats which were just in front of box seats; we had two section attendants and a waitress so we could order off a specialty menu if we wanted to.  We were informed that they didn't think that the circus food vendors would come up as high as we were so, since we still had plenty of time before the show started, we went to find cotton candy and the first of a few souvenirs (he ended up with a stuffed white tiger and a light stick and I ended up with a light stick and he bought me a stuffed elephant so I "could remember our elephant ride together").  We got back to our seats where the waitress appeared and asked if we wanted to order anything.  After debating things, we ended up ordering a jumbo popcorn, soda, and a box of chicken tenders and french fries.  Our food arrived just as the show was getting ready to start.

When the lights went down, the spotlight came on, and the ringmaster said those iconic words - "Ladies and gentleman!  Boys and Girls!  Children of all ages!", I got chills/choked up.  This was exactly what I needed!  Several of the acts were "one and only" acts - performing camels, amazing aerial acts,  a high-wire act where the woman not only sang but she is the only woman who attempts to carry a man on her shoulders and walks the high-wire.  At the end of the circus, when the ringmaster announced, "and until we meet again, MAY ALL YOUR DAYS BE CIRCUS DAYS!" I have to admit that I got chills/choked up again.

This past week was filled with some good things and some not good things so I'm glad I took the time to go to the circus.  I took some time away from work this week in order to get my hair cut and colored - I do like how it looks however, it took way longer than anticipated as the stylist had to add bleach to my hair three different times and the color twice in order to make things happen.  The next day, I was helping a child who was having a screaming fit at drop off and when I was accepting a child from another parent, she saw it as her opportunity to attempt to escape - I went to move to catch her, when I stepped on a small block and fell onto my knee straight on the tile floor while turning my body in order to not squish the child I was holding.  I'm not one who likes to go to the doctor but I figured since my fall happened at work and it was my knee I should probably get it checked out.  I had to wait for my assistant director to arrive (which was just shy of 4 hours after I fell) and I went to a walk-in orthopedic clinic.  Four sets of x-rays and an exam later told me that I had a sprained knee and I'm to keep it wrapped for the next week; if it's not better at the end of that time, I get to go back for more tests.  Yippee!  Thankfully the swelling on it has gone down but it is still tender at times so I'm still trying to take it as easy as I can.  The plus side is I was told I should wear tennis shoes to work for the next week as well as avoid stairs if/when possible (so I get to ask people to go upstairs to get documents off the printer for me).

Having the opportunity to go to the circus this past week has put some thoughts in my head as to not having the circus that is my life under control and that is something that I have written about a handful of times before.  In January of 2015 I wrote, Another area that's been a work in progress is the circus that is my life.  I am still working on getting the generators up and running 100%, the popcorn popped, the cotton candy spun and make sure everyone is where they're supposed to be.  Maybe part of the problem is my circus is too large - acts stretched between too many tents, the acrobats have to be lion tamers too, the clowns also walk the tightrope, and the animals all have to learn how to juggle.  I need to learn how to downsize the circus and allow the performers to do the stunts they are comfortable with -- this will make my job as ringmaster immensely easier.  The ringmaster of a circus doesn't have to be personally involved in every act or take the place of their performers.  I feel as if I have had to be ready at any given moment to jump into the performance and announce and keep everyone happy and ready to go on at any time.  It's exhausting...  I guess I just need to get better at managing the circus instead of micromanaging as I unfortunately have a tendency to gravitate towards.

In April 2016 I wrote, I saw a sign this past week that said, "Don't mind the sawdust; this circus is under renovations."  After seeing the sign, it struck me that my own circus needs some renovations, too.  I know I've written about it before but I need to do something - the clowns/acrobats/animals/trapeze-ists/trainers/everyone else are tired and they need some semblance of a change of pace.  Going non-stop at at a breakneck pace will take a toll on the best of us and this particular ringmaster (me) is just plain tired...  

Now that I realize that "history is repeating itself" and I have fallen back into old habits due to becoming a ringmaster of a new circus (my new job), I need to take inventory of things I have and how I am going to turn these new circuses which are my new job and my new life around.  I haven't figured that out yet but it's a place to start.  On that note, this ringmaster has a few things to accomplish (help with dishes and laundry being two of those things), I am going to put this away for the evening.  May all your days be circus days!

Adventures....

This upcoming Wednesday, I will be playing hooky from work for a few hours to get my hair done.  This past week, I worked too many extra hours (again) and even though I have a feeling it's going to happen again this week it won't be near as many hours because of my appointment.

At work this past week, I had the adventure of one of the bus drivers calling in the morning to say he couldn't drive the AM route because he had been in a minor car accident.  I learned very quickly that morning that him calling in meant that I got to drive his bus route.  Luckily work has two 14-passenger buses but that didn't make it any less intimidating for someone who drives a smart car (luckily, I had just taken turns to drive the U-Haul during my move a month ago).  I told the kids on both bus runs that I needed them to "be quiet and be helpful" because I had never driven a vehicle like that before, I wasn't 100% sure where I was going and I needed to hear my GPS, and I needed their assistance as we got closer to the schools so I could be told where to drop them off - did I follow the buses, the cars,what door did I drop them off at, etc.  The kids did a pretty good job in helping me out but it's not a responsibility that I would want to have on a regular basis...

Another interesting mishap at work this past week is someone went home with the extra set of keys which are supposed to stay in the building and are the ones that I use to open the building in the morning.  Since I couldn't open the closet to get out the toys the kids are allowed to play with in the very early morning, I had to frantically piece together things for them to use and it just threw the morning off.  After that happened, I told my boss that I needed my own keys if I was going to be expected to do my job; not having another set of keys, my boss gave me her keys to use for now.  On the days/times she was actually in the building this week, she didn't like having to ask me to borrow her keys in order to get into her office but I use them on a regular basis throughout the day.

Because I'm working too many hours and not getting enough sleep at night, I am still sick.  I keep thinking that maybe I'm starting to feel better but then my stuffy nose and horrible cough come back with a vengeance.  One of these days I will need to figure out how to do a better job in taking care of myself but I haven't found that day yet.  I did take a much needed nap this afternoon so I guess that's a start...

Well, my dear readers, as the hour grows late, and the alarm clock is relentless, so I will bring this to a close for the evening.  Thank you for joining me and I hope that you have your own adventures this week.  =)

New Baby!

Yesterday my brother and his wife welcomed their new little one into the world and we finally have a baby girl in the family; after four nephews, I also now have a niece!  We got the call yesterday morning that the baby was on the way but we didn't know if they were having a boy or a girl - they (my brother and sister-in-law) didn't know if they were having a boy or girl either.  Shortly after she arrived, we received word that we had a new little girl in the family.  A few hours later, my parents and I got to go see her in the hospital and we all had the opportunity to hold her.  This was my first time getting to hold one of the babies right after they were born (the others, I had to wait months before I got to see/hold them) and I was very glad to get the chance.  Mom and I went again to see everyone in the hospital and to hold the baby again.  She is a beatiful little girl and the perfect little armful.

I worked an almost 60 hour work week this past week and I really need to find a way to get that under control.  I just left a job where I worked way too many hours on a regular basis and I didn't really plan on jumping into the next job feeling the need to do the same thing.  Being on salary, for someone like me, is a really bad thing - it's bad for me but really really good for my employer.  I need to find a way to create some balance...

I am hoping to get some sleep tonight after what I accomplished today - I was a heathen today and didn't get up in time to go to church with my parents but while they were there, I ate breakfast, did all of the dishes, walked on the treadmill for 1 mile, went grocery shopping, cooked lunch for the three of us, went to see the baby, came back, did the dishes again and now I'm writing.

Since I have to get up so early to get ready for work, I am going to bring this to a close for the evening so I can get ready for the day ahead.  Tomorrow at work includes a meeting with a consultant  who is supposed to help prepare me for my job (even though I'm already two weeks in)...  Thanks for joining week and I hope your week is an uneventful one!  =)

Reminding myself...

So, we are one week into the new year - how's it been for you so far my dear readers?  Did you make any new year's resolutions?  Have you stuck to those resolutions?  Do you already want to make new resolutions?

I have already had to remind myself a couple of times in this past week that I didn't want to make resolutions for myself this year but I wanted to make some true lifestyle changes and changes to the ways I look at things.  There have been times already that I find myself slipping into old habits and trying to find ways to conform to the me that I feel I'm "supposed to" be; I am trying not to become overly frustrated with myself when this happens but even that is difficult.  In my head I do know/realize that change takes time, that it's not going to be instantaneous (even if that is what I would prefer), and be okay if/when I stumble and fall along the way.

I know that part of my frustration is stemming from the fact the transition to my new job has not been as smooth as I hoped that it would be.  In the four days that I've been there, I've realized that it is a 180 degree paradigm shift from what I've become accustomed to where I've worked the last almost nine years and that means I am going to have to change the way my mind thinks about work.  I have also had to make a major shift to my internal clock as I have to get up at 4 AM in order to get ready for work; have to be there by 5:15 AM to get the building ready for kids to start arriving my 6 AM; and have worked through lunch everyday (eating at my shared workspace) and leave sometime after 3:30 PM (one day I left at closer to 5 PM and one day around 4:30 PM).  Yes, I am grateful that I have already found a new job but I don't like feeling as if I'm already going to have to put in 12 hour + plus days again because I really don't want to go back to doing that.

I am trying to remain positive about the new job and look for ways to make positive changes where and how I can.  I have already been told by a couple of staff members that I am a "child whisperer" since I can get kids to do what's being asked by them (i.e. cleaning up, sitting and listening to a story, and getting kids that never sleep to take naps).  I see it as just another day and I have to remind myself that not everyone is like me - I've known that I would work with kids in one form or another since I was in Kindergarten myself; all these years later, even though I'm a director, I still work with the kids.  I can use my knowledge to go into the classrooms here and help the staff who are novices at working with kids or just need a new way of thinking of things.  If nothing else, I can help the people who are working with kids to be better educators even if they don't have the educational experience that I have or the background that I do.  I just have to remind myself of that.

Another thing that I need to remind myself of is that I cannot do it all and I cannot do it all myself.  That's not something that I necessary like to admit because one of my phrases from when I was little has always been "do it myself".  I guess I just have to learn how to be selective of who I ask for help and in what instances to see if that helps me at all...

Well, my dear readers, I have once again left myself with something to think about and even though there has been many a time that this is when I've started writing my blog post for the evening, I am going to bring this to a close since 4 am comes awfully early...  Thank you for joining me on my journey and I wish you the best of luck on yours.  =)

P.S.  Happy Birthday, Grandma!

New Year - allowing myself to be me

Christmas is over; the decorations and tree are put away for another year and a new year is upon us.  As 2017 is beginning, people are talking about resolutions and what they are hoping the new year will hold for them.  I have been drawn to two different quotes about starting the year; "Today is the first blank page of a 365 page book.  Write a good one."; "We're all just stories in the end; make it a good one."  How is my book going to read?  I'm not sure yet since I'm only on page one but I'm definitely hoping this one is going to be a good one...

On Tuesday this week, I will be starting my new job and I am both excited and nervous about facing the new challenges associated with the new job.  While my new job is going to be similar to the jobs I've held over the last number of years in one capacity or another, it's going to be just different enough that it's making me apprehensive.  Rather than making trouble for myself before the job even starts, I know I just need to go in, face the challenges in front of me and not create new drama/problems for myself before they begin - but I'm finding that to be difficult.  This past week, I went in to drop off paperwork, collect a couple of signatures so I could start the hiring process (had to go for fingerprinting, a drug test and a TB test for preemployment), and I received a tour of the facilities.  From the tour, there are a few things I've already seen that I want to inquire about changing but I don't want to go in and change too much too fast and cause resentment amongst the staff who don't know me and to whom I'm an outsider.

As I was debating what to write about today, I reread my post from the start of 2016 and one of the sections of that particular post really resonated with me:  I don't understand why we tell kids to reach for the stars or to dream big when we discourage adults to do the same thing.  We tell adults to get their heads out of the clouds and to stay grounded.  We tell kids that it's okay to color outside the lines but as adults, we have to stay within the constrains of those lines.  What changes along the way from what we tell kids and what we tell adults?  And why do we do it?  Is it, because as adults we've forgotten how to dream big, reach for the stars or color just for the fun of it?  Are we just too busy trying to strive for perfection that we not willing to make mistakes?  This is something that I want to change for myself personally - not as a resolution but as a personal lifestyle change.

New Year's is a time where many people try to "reinvent" themselves but one of the things I'm noticing about myself with this move and preparation for new job and everything - I like me and the me that I am allowing to come through.  This past week, Mom and I went clothes shopping in anticipation of my new job and I bought some pretty "fun/funky" articles of clothing that most people wouldn't have taken a second glance at - but they are very me.  I have also gotten slightly obsessed with Pinterest in finding ideas for ways to decorate when I have a place of my own.  I am learning what I like and what I don't like and it's been kind of a fun process.

With this new year, new move, and kind of blank slate before me, I want to put in writing to remind myself to dream big, add color to my life and see what adventures 2017 has in store and I encourage you to do the same thing, my dear readers.  I have a feeling Gypsy's Quest might make some twists and turns this year but I'm ready to buckle up and enjoy the ride!  Thanks for joining me and Happy New Year!