dysfunctionally me

I just heard the phrase "dysfunctionally me" and I think that describes me perfectly.

I had one of the kids at work this week ask me why I was being cranky.  I didn't give them the actual reason (even though I wanted to) - I just told them that I was sleepy.  The actual reason is I'm sleepy because I'm not sleeping due to stress and working too many hours that has become my norm (this past work I put in approximately 72 hours of work this week - and I get paid for 40).  So I'm also cranky because I'm realizing I'm either being taken advantage of by my boss and that's why I'm working so many hours or I'm really, really bad at my job and I can't figure out how to accomplish everything in a 40 hour work week; or maybe it's a combination of the two...

There are times where I definitely question my sanity in not standing up for myself and saying "no" to anything beyond a 5 day/40 hour work week.  Like I said, last week, I worked approximately 72 hours over 6 days and heading into this week doesn't look to be much different (other than I may get out of working a few of those Saturday hours because we have a dance performance and I'll have to get ready and head out of town for it).  I am hoping to be granted some time off before the end of the year but that hasn't been signed off on yet.  One of my bargaining chips (which I thankfully discovered today) is I'm getting close to having "use or lose leave" and after all of the extras I have done for work, I am not willing to lose a single hour.

I know that I'm not sleeping because I can't find a way to turn my brain off at night and then when I do sleep, I've been having some weird trippy dreams.  It's strange; some of the best sleep I've had over the past couple of weeks have been the couple of naps I've taken on my couch while sitting straight up with my head flopped back on the back of the couch.  Yes, I wake up with a crick in my neck but I actually feel rested.  I'm sure that means that one of these days I probably need a new mattress but I hate mattress shopping...

I came across a song this past week and one of the lines from it has stuck in my head: "I'm tortured every day by these never-ending worries."  I don't know if I need to do a better job at writing down my to-do list before going to bed at night so I'm not thinking about it when I should be sleeping.  I don't know if that would help or not but it might be worth giving it a try in order to get some sleep at night.  I have a tendency to overthink the things I did during the day to analyze if I did a good enough job accomplishing them or not and then think about the things I didn't accomplish that I should have. There are times I think it would be fascinating to be see what's going on in my brain and there are other times that even the thought of that completely freaks me out...

Well my dear readers, I have given myself some things to think about and I should probably bring this to a close for the evening.  On the plus side, this past week, I had someone tell me that they love my personal style and they can't wait to see what I'm wearing - I thought that was pretty cool.  I hope you can find ways to embrace your own personal styles this week and if you are dysfunctional, be dysfunctionally you because I'll be dysfunctionally me.  Thanks for joining me!  =)

Blanket of Truth

This week has been an interesting combination of ups and downs for me.  I've have tried my best to keep things together when I've been at work (lots of hours at work) and at the dance studio but there have been things that have slipped through the cracks.  It probably hasn't helped that I have been having some unusual dreams that have kept me up at night so sleep has been somewhat elusive.  It also probably doesn't help that not only did I work long days this past week at work but I also worked all day yesterday for an outdoor family fun event (at work we had bounce houses, carnival games, a DJ, food, field games, etc. and I was there from 7:15 am - 3:45 pm).

I had forgotten to take care of something at work this last week and I blame it on working too many hours and having just to much on my mind.  Even though it's completely justifiable to forget something, that didn't keep me from beating myself up over it.  What I forgot wasn't even that big of a deal or something that was "make it or break it" but I don't like feeling as if I've messed up.  I am very critical of myself and even though it was a minor thing I forgot, it has stayed with me all week.  If it was anyone else, I would tell them to learn from it and move on but for whatever reason, I am unable to take my own advice.  I could stand myself in front of a mirror and give myself the advice I would give to someone else in my shoes, and I wouldn't be able to do it.

I have said before that for me the "bad stuff" is easier to believe and that remains true with this work situation as well.  I know that I have myself in a catch 22 because even though my screw up came from having too much on my work plate and working too many hours but because of the screw up, I feel the need to work more and harder in order to make up for it.  I don't entirely know why that seems to be hardwired into me but it is.  I have worked to come up with a system to keep track of my work "to do" list and I'm hoping that it keeps something like this from happening again.

One of the things that resonated with me this past week is one of the scenes from the movie Dead Poets Society.  I haven't watched the movie in forever but one scene came to my mind out of nowhere this week.  In the movie, Robin Williams is an English teacher at an all boys prep school and he has a group in his class who are rebels.  In the particular scene that has come to mind this week, one of the boys who wants to rebel but also wants to hide in the shadows must write his own poem and recite it in front of the class - he doesn't complete the assignment and Robin Williams' (John Keating) character pulls him in front of the class and starts pushing him (quote from IMDB.com):

John Keating: Close your eyes, close your eyes! Close 'em! Now, describe what you see.
Todd Anderson: Uh, I-I close my eyes. 
John Keating: Yes. 
Todd Anderson: Uh, and this image floats beside me. 
John Keating: A sweaty-toothed madman. 
Todd Anderson: A sweaty-toothed madman with a stare that pounds my brain. 
John Keating: Oh, that's *excellent*! Now, give him action - make him do something! 
Todd Anderson: H-His hands reach out and choke me. 
John Keating: That's it! Wonderful, wonderful! 
Todd Anderson: And all the time he's mumbling. 
John Keating: What's he mumbling? 
Todd Anderson: Mumbling truth. 
John Keating: Yeah, yes. 
Todd Anderson: Truth like-like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold. 
John Keating: [some of the class start to laugh] Forget them, forget them! Stay with the blanket. Tell me about that blanket! 
Todd Anderson: Y-Y-You push it, stretch it, it'll never be enough. You kick at it, beat it, it'll never cover any of us. From the moment we enter crying t-to the moment we leave dying, it'll just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream. 
[long pause then class applauds]
John Keating: Don't you forget this.

I can relate to that feeling of not being enough.  Maybe that's one of the reasons that I push myself so hard and why I feel the need to work so many hours each week.  Who knows - maybe I'm just trying to come up with some sort of an explanation so I don't feel as if I'm a complete and total nut job...  Or is this realization my particular blanket of truth?

Well my dear readers, I should probably sign off for tonight so I can at least get myself ready for my day tomorrow - I have a long work day which will lead directly into practice at the dance studio.  My plan for tonight is to get my work/dance clothes ready along with putting a lunch together for myself. I hope you were able to rest up this weekend for whatever adventures that await you this week!  =)

Captivating

Lots of people have been talking today about the tragedies that took place 15 years ago today.  I remember that I was in college and had a geology exam that day.  We had an early morning class and were all in the lecture hall early doing last minute studying/cramming and we also had to be there early because even though we had one of the coolest geology professors ever, when it came to exams, if you weren't there before he was, you got locked out of the lecture hall and were out of luck in terms of being able to take the test.  This was one of the particular classes that Mom and I had together and we sat near the front of the lecture hall.  Right at the top of the hour and class was beginning, the professor and one student came into the lecture hall.  Because Mom and I were near the front, we could hear the student say to the professor, "Can you believe what's happened?" and the professor replied to him, "shut up; no one here knows what you're talking about and they're ready for this test." Not really wanting to lose the geology notes in my head, I put it out of my mind, took the exam, and was waiting for Mom in the lounge area right outside the lecture hall.

The college had moved TVs into the common areas and had the news playing showing what was happening around the country.  I was watching the reports when Mom came out of the lecture hall.  She and I watched for a few minutes together before she tried to call Dad at work (he worked for a government contractor at the time and their building was on lock down even though we were nowhere near what was going on so she couldn't get through to him) and then had another class to get to.  I had a longer break before my next class started.  During my break, the campus administration came across the loud speakers and announced that classes for the remainder of the day had been cancelled.  Mom and I met up and headed home to watch the news.

I remember that I had a health project due and while I watched the news, I cut out items of food out of foam (my project was a magnetic food pyramid activity for kids so the pieces of food had google eyes and smiley faces on them).  Part of me felt it was weird to continue to work on the project in the midst of everything that was happening on the news but it kept me slightly distracted from all of the emotions pouring out of the TV.

Flash forward to what's going on now...  While it was nice to have a three day weekend last week, this past week was chocked full of things that unfortunately didn't all get accomplished even though I ended up working an almost eight hour day yesterday.  I found myself in programming on Tuesday, had an all morning meeting on Wednesday (and was in and out of programming all afternoon), Thursday was a meeting and there was yet another meeting on Friday.  Because of all of these meetings, my work is still on my desk and waiting for me to add to what needs to be accomplished in this week.  We have a staff meeting after work on Tuesday (so I'll be there until after 8 pm) and an all-day event on Saturday so this week will be interesting.

With being at work yesterday, my boss was there for part of the time and I ended up tackling a pretty big project for her.  While I got her things done, I didn't really get done what I had intended to do with my time in the building.  Oh, well.  At least that task for her got finished.  After being at work, I had a dance performance where I was not only supposed to dance with the troupe but solo as well.  I had been going back and forth on what song I was going to dance to as well as how I was going to interpret the music.  About an hour before showtime, I ended up deciding on a middle eastern version of "I Put a Spell on You" and my interpretation of it was "Genie in a Bottle."  It didn't come out exactly how I had envisioned it but I will try my best to remember how I wanted it to be for the next time - because I would like to dance this interpretation again.  It seemed to be well received by the audience and I was told by someone that I was a "captivating dancer."  I've never heard that particular comment about my dancing before so I want to take it with me.

Well, my dear readers, since I have a full week ahead of me, I should probably bring this to a close, finish up some laundry and hopefully get some sleep tonight.  On top of everything else this past week, one night in the middle of the night I woke up and ended up throwing up off and on for an hour and the feeling stayed with me all that next day at work.  It was odd since I didn't eat anything that I shouldn't - nothing I'm allergic to - so hopefully it was an isolated incident; I will do almost anything to keep from throwing up...  I hope you have a good week out there everyone and thank you for joining me!  =)

dancing + migraine = not necessarily a good idea...

I had a strange comment made towards me today and I'm still kind of wondering about it...  I had a migraine yesterday and it hung on today as well; we had a total of three dance performances (we were supposed to have four - for one performance, we weren't on the schedule and they couldn't find the paperwork that was summit in order for us to perform so we didn't) over the last two days and while I always enjoy performing, the performances were not fun with the migraine.  Actually, I take that back - I made them as fun/joyful as I could under the circumstances.  Yesterday, people were asking what was wrong since the pain was apparent on my face; when people asked how I was doing today (and I responded that while for the most part the migraine was gone, I still had tension/pain at the base of my skull), someone with the group said to me, "you just love to complain, don't you?"  I was kind of taken aback by the comment because I didn't feel as if I was complaining, I felt as if I was answering the questions asked of me.  To each their own, I guess...

I felt as if I gave my all during the performances under the circumstances of my head hurting.  We had two performances at the local Fair.  While we were performing, I was completely surprised to see some people from work in the audience; none of them had seen me dance before and interestingly they didn't make plans to meet up, they just all happened to be there.  One of them I actually used to work in a classroom with a number of years ago and I knew her before she had her son, who was with her in the audience.  She and her son approached me afterwards and asked if they could take photos with me (I said, of course!) and I even let her balance my sword on her head (which her son thought was pretty cool).

Things at work are still crazy and I'm not sure that the work stresses didn't contribute some to my migraine.  We not only still have work to do after our inspection but we also have a big all-day Saturday event coming up in a couple of weeks, a week long day-camp coming up next month and staffing issues.  Not only are we currently understaffed, but I also have to have staff assist in covering soccer fields because we have to keep eyes on our coaches and my Sports Coordinator is wanting me to work magic that I don't feel as if I currently can manage/maintain.  I feel as if I'm doing my best to accommodate all that she's asking of me but in doing so, I have to work after hours to get my work accomplished because I'm having to step into programming myself to cover so my staff can cover soccer fields.  What's overly frustrating about it is she just keeps saying that no one cares about the sports program - it makes me want to bang my head on the wall sometimes...

While part of me is excited to get to have tomorrow off of work, the other part of me dreads three day weekends only in the sense that you have four days to accomplish five days worth of work.  I know that I've done it before but that doesn't make it any easier; especially when I have to be in programming Tuesday afternoon and the kids get out of school early every day this week for parent/teacher conferences so we have to pick up early.  In my time off tomorrow, I'm hoping to at least take a few minutes to come up with a game plan for the week in order to get what I need to accomplished.

From re-reading what I've written, I've realized that once again I need to learn how to cut myself a break.  I've never really learned how to do this and I'm not sure how/if I'm going to be able to do it this time but I know that I need to do something.  I was talking with my Mom today and realized that I have no idea the last time I took myself to the aquarium (something I really enjoy doing) because I always find reasons not to go.  I also am so busy working towards the next thing that I don't allow myself to enjoy even small victories.  With the not so small victory of our inspection completion the other week, I rewarded my staff by buying them lunch but I didn't do anything for myself.  Why?  I'm not sure but I need to figure out how to make some sort of a change...

Well my dear readers, even though I have the day off, I just realized that it's after midnight so I should probably bring this to a close and attempt to get some sleep tonight.  I took a little nap earlier after today's performances and to help take the rest of my migraine away and I'm hoping that by taking the nap I didn't make it so I won't sleep tonight.  I hope if you have tomorrow off (and even if you don't), you take the opportunity to do something for you!  Thanks for joining me!  =)