I know it's early but I've already decided to make one of my new year's resolutions (effective now) - I have decided to be done letting the drama of those around me have such an effect on me. I know that some things will be unavoidable (I am always willing to listen to/assist with where I can drama of family members) but I'm going to try my absolute best to not have the drama of others become the things that weigh me down. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to help "fix" those around me and in doing so, I have a tendency to internalize their problems as my own (something about me also being a perfectionist I think). In doing so, I find myself constantly stressing because I take their problems/drama on as my own and I have found that I have stopped working on me.
I don't know why I have felt such a compelling need to respond to messages/phone calls/emails of people who only seem to need me when things are either going wrong in their lives or when it's convenient for them but I'm over it. For example, today at church as I walked in the door, the pastor surprisingly stopped me. It took her a minute to remember my name and then told me, "I've asked lots of people to do something for me today and after they all told me no, I figured you might be interested." Wow.... Gee thanks. After you asked lots of other people, you just figured you'd ask me? She actually seemed shocked when I politely told her no. I didn't feel guilty about saying no then and I don't feel guilty about it now.
I have been challenging myself to say "no" in situations where I really don't want to do something (as long as by saying "no" I'm not going to lose my job) and be okay with my answer. There have been different times in my life where I felt like a slight failure if I've had to say "no" to something but I'm learning otherwise. I'm definitely not trying to be mean/nasty with my saying '"no" but I know that there are times for my own sanity [I know, I know.... what sanity =) ] I need to do a better job at learning when to admit that I can't add anything else to my already overflowing plate.
Speaking of overflowing plates, this past week at work, I ended up working just shy of 12-hours Monday - Wednesday and then another 4 hours on Friday (it was a day off but I had to go in to sign off on payroll and have a meeting with the boss). So out of a week where I was supposed to have two days off, I still found a way to work an almost 40 hour work week. That means, this upcoming week, I really need to find a way to take some hours away from work. I am hoping that either Tuesday or Wednesday I'll be able to get away with working a half day but we'll see how that goes. I know that I just need to commit to taking the time off and just tell everyone that I'm reachable by phone if something major comes up but I feel bad doing that with my upcoming vacation. I know, I know... It sounds like I'm already trying to talk myself out of taking the time off of work but I think what I just need to do is tell two of my other office staff to kick me out of the building and not listen to me if I try and say no. Maybe if they kick me out, I'll feel better about it...
Something I finally decided to do for me is I am no longer wearing any jewelry from the wasband. I have been wearing diamond studs he gave me (they weren't given for any particular reason, they were "just because" diamonds) because they were diamonds but I have decided that I no longer want to. I had been considering switching them out for awhile but today was the day that I finally went for it. I went to my piercing studio so they're nice earrings but they are completely mine. I feel pretty good about my decision. I still have the diamonds and I will, at least for the time being, tuck them away in a safe place but I'm not going to wear them for the time being. A decision for my own mental health if nothing else.
Well my dear readers, I am going to bring this to a close for this evening, think about getting ready for my work week and see what time I'm able to get to bed tonight. I have been having a little bit of trouble sleeping (again) so I'm hoping to be able to get some good sleep tonight. I hope that you have a wonderful week and be drama free from those around us! =)
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Take care of you
"You really need to learn how to take better care of yourself" is a phrase I heard from different people this week. I had worked an 8.5 hour day a week ago yesterday (yes, on a Saturday) so I was supposed to take some time off from work this past week; that didn't happen. Something had come up unexpectedly for one of my coworkers and I granted them the time off that they needed based on their situation and I stayed at work. I also didn't feel well this past week (lost my voice and everything) and the day that I was told that I should go home and rest, there were too many fires popping up at work for me to leave. I know that I really need to learn to get to the point where I say the fires aren't real, will still be waiting for me when I get back to work, and I should take the time off that I need to. This upcoming weekend is supposed to be a four day weekend but we'll see if that ends up happening or not (my boss potentially wants to have a meeting on Friday so I may have to go into work).
There are times where I feel as if I'm so busy taking care of everyone else around me that I forget that I need to be taken care of too. I mentioned this past week to see if anyone else has ever felt where they've had one of those days where you think you're fine and then things hit you like a ton of bricks? This past week, I would have been found under the rubble of the brick wall. I'm not trying to be overly pessimistic, I just felt as if I had one thing after another continually pilling up on me this past week. At one point I tried blaming it on the wasband (since this past week was the six year mark of him leaving) but realized that didn't make me feel better and I actually have come to the point where I don't want to even acknowledge that he's currently having any sort of an effect on my life whatsoever....
I know that may be easier said than done because there are times that I'll think everything is going along fine and something will trigger a memory and take me right back to that place after he left. I don't necessarily like realizing or admitting that fact. I need to get to a place in my life where I can acknowledge the role he played in it, shake myself free from it all and move on. I need to focus on the good things going on this time of year rather than the the choice that he made to leave. I also need to start focusing more on the things that I've been able to accomplish for myself since he's been gone.
I currently have the TV on in the background while I write and something in a commercial just caught my attention. I know, I know.... I've written in the past how much I hate commercials but like I said, this one just happened to catch my attention (even though I don't really know what the commercial was about) with the saying, "have no regrets; have a story." If someone started reading my blog now, what would they read? Would they read about someone who has regrets or would they read about someone who has a story to tell? That's something that I definitely want to think about in the near future - I want it to read as if I have a story to tell.
One of the things I want to start doing with my story is to not worry as much about what other people think or what they might have to say about my decisions. It's my life, my decisions and my story to tell. Sure, as some people read it, they might choose to skip a chapter or two or they might decide to stop reading all together. I'm okay with either of those honestly. As an avid reader, I have started reading some books that I have either waited years to finish or I've not finished at all. Even if I didn't finish the story, I give credit to the author for putting themselves out there and to tell the story that they wanted to tell...
On that note my dear readers, I'm going to bring this particular chapter to a close and head to bed. This upcoming work week, while only three days, they are potentially going to be some long ones for me since the kids are out of school and we're open from 7 am until 6 pm. Wish me luck... Dream big; write your stories; embrace your individual muchness; and take care of you! =)
There are times where I feel as if I'm so busy taking care of everyone else around me that I forget that I need to be taken care of too. I mentioned this past week to see if anyone else has ever felt where they've had one of those days where you think you're fine and then things hit you like a ton of bricks? This past week, I would have been found under the rubble of the brick wall. I'm not trying to be overly pessimistic, I just felt as if I had one thing after another continually pilling up on me this past week. At one point I tried blaming it on the wasband (since this past week was the six year mark of him leaving) but realized that didn't make me feel better and I actually have come to the point where I don't want to even acknowledge that he's currently having any sort of an effect on my life whatsoever....
I know that may be easier said than done because there are times that I'll think everything is going along fine and something will trigger a memory and take me right back to that place after he left. I don't necessarily like realizing or admitting that fact. I need to get to a place in my life where I can acknowledge the role he played in it, shake myself free from it all and move on. I need to focus on the good things going on this time of year rather than the the choice that he made to leave. I also need to start focusing more on the things that I've been able to accomplish for myself since he's been gone.
I currently have the TV on in the background while I write and something in a commercial just caught my attention. I know, I know.... I've written in the past how much I hate commercials but like I said, this one just happened to catch my attention (even though I don't really know what the commercial was about) with the saying, "have no regrets; have a story." If someone started reading my blog now, what would they read? Would they read about someone who has regrets or would they read about someone who has a story to tell? That's something that I definitely want to think about in the near future - I want it to read as if I have a story to tell.
One of the things I want to start doing with my story is to not worry as much about what other people think or what they might have to say about my decisions. It's my life, my decisions and my story to tell. Sure, as some people read it, they might choose to skip a chapter or two or they might decide to stop reading all together. I'm okay with either of those honestly. As an avid reader, I have started reading some books that I have either waited years to finish or I've not finished at all. Even if I didn't finish the story, I give credit to the author for putting themselves out there and to tell the story that they wanted to tell...
On that note my dear readers, I'm going to bring this particular chapter to a close and head to bed. This upcoming work week, while only three days, they are potentially going to be some long ones for me since the kids are out of school and we're open from 7 am until 6 pm. Wish me luck... Dream big; write your stories; embrace your individual muchness; and take care of you! =)
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Muchness revisited... again
I feel as if there have been a couple of places/situations where my muchness is being tested. I don't know if it's just my perception or if it's actually happening but I feel as if I am being looked down upon/ignored for my muchness. Let me just say, I don't like the feeling but it's not going to stop me from being me. Ironically, one of the places that I have felt ostracized almost because of my muchness has been at church. Yes, I am tattooed and have piercings but that doesn't mean I should get ignored while at church. Today, for example, the pastor walked past me like six times, I said hello and she just continued walking past me. She is relatively new to being the pastor of our church but I see her talking to/genuinely interested in the other people at the church and I get walked past. It makes me wonder if I've done/said something, haven't done/said something, or if it's because of how I look...
I know that there have been times where I have been guilty of being judgmental of someone based on something about how they look but I do try to not do that - everyone has the right to self-expression and embracing their own muchness. I hope this isn't happening to me to make me more aware of things I've done but it's making me question some things I don't necessarily want to be questioning. Yes, I have questioned my muchness in the past but I have done a 180 and am fully embracing it yet again and I hope that everyone else can do the same. I have firsthand knowledge that muchness can be daunting at times but I really feel as if allowing yourself to show your uniqueness is very powerful/freeing.
I'll be one of the first ones to admit that I don't always give myself enough credit where credit is due. I am often the one who is encouraging others yet finding all of the faults in myself. This is something that I want to challenge myself to stop doing. My parents and my family have always supported me but my voice is the one that's loudest in the middle of the night. Granted, my parents have questioned my tattoos/piercings but they haven't stopped supporting me because of having them done. It's definitely nice knowing that I have their support. But, like I said, in the middle of the night, the voice in my head overrides that knowledge and I begin to question decisions I've made and wondered if I'm enough. I know I've written before about learning how to quiet that voice but I haven't been able to do it as of yet.
One area in particular I know I need to work on giving myself credit is in the dance studio. Yesterday in class, my instructor did one of the things I dread - she put on a piece of music and just told us to dance. It's a piece that we as a troupe have choreography to but we weren't allowed to use the choreography, it had to be a spontaneous performance. Luckily we didn't have to perform in front of the group that way (which we have done in the past - ugh...) but I still find it to be a very difficult exercise. I felt as if in places I was fighting my body because it so badly wanted to do the choreographed moves. As I watched myself in the mirror, I just kept focusing on things that I felt I was doing "wrong" even though I was moving to the music and I actually was doing a decent job. I need to get better at recognizing that I did a good job instead of focusing on what I perceived as below average.
I guess in situations like I found myself in yesterday at the dance studio or today at church, those are the times I need to remember to completely embrace my muchness and be okay with me. I also need to remember this heading into another work week. As we talk with the kids about what they're thankful about as Thanksgiving nears, I need to remind myself to be thankful that I have the opportunities that I do to embrace my muchness because not everyone has that as an option to them.
On that note, my dear readers, I think I'm going to bring this to a close, get ready for the week ahead and laugh at one of my two dogs who is trying desperately to "rearrange" the carpet and make it more comfortable to lay on. Silly dog... But maybe all he's doing is embracing his muchness too. =)
I know that there have been times where I have been guilty of being judgmental of someone based on something about how they look but I do try to not do that - everyone has the right to self-expression and embracing their own muchness. I hope this isn't happening to me to make me more aware of things I've done but it's making me question some things I don't necessarily want to be questioning. Yes, I have questioned my muchness in the past but I have done a 180 and am fully embracing it yet again and I hope that everyone else can do the same. I have firsthand knowledge that muchness can be daunting at times but I really feel as if allowing yourself to show your uniqueness is very powerful/freeing.
I'll be one of the first ones to admit that I don't always give myself enough credit where credit is due. I am often the one who is encouraging others yet finding all of the faults in myself. This is something that I want to challenge myself to stop doing. My parents and my family have always supported me but my voice is the one that's loudest in the middle of the night. Granted, my parents have questioned my tattoos/piercings but they haven't stopped supporting me because of having them done. It's definitely nice knowing that I have their support. But, like I said, in the middle of the night, the voice in my head overrides that knowledge and I begin to question decisions I've made and wondered if I'm enough. I know I've written before about learning how to quiet that voice but I haven't been able to do it as of yet.
One area in particular I know I need to work on giving myself credit is in the dance studio. Yesterday in class, my instructor did one of the things I dread - she put on a piece of music and just told us to dance. It's a piece that we as a troupe have choreography to but we weren't allowed to use the choreography, it had to be a spontaneous performance. Luckily we didn't have to perform in front of the group that way (which we have done in the past - ugh...) but I still find it to be a very difficult exercise. I felt as if in places I was fighting my body because it so badly wanted to do the choreographed moves. As I watched myself in the mirror, I just kept focusing on things that I felt I was doing "wrong" even though I was moving to the music and I actually was doing a decent job. I need to get better at recognizing that I did a good job instead of focusing on what I perceived as below average.
I guess in situations like I found myself in yesterday at the dance studio or today at church, those are the times I need to remember to completely embrace my muchness and be okay with me. I also need to remember this heading into another work week. As we talk with the kids about what they're thankful about as Thanksgiving nears, I need to remind myself to be thankful that I have the opportunities that I do to embrace my muchness because not everyone has that as an option to them.
On that note, my dear readers, I think I'm going to bring this to a close, get ready for the week ahead and laugh at one of my two dogs who is trying desperately to "rearrange" the carpet and make it more comfortable to lay on. Silly dog... But maybe all he's doing is embracing his muchness too. =)
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Managing myself
I had the unique opportunity to go to lunch with a friend from work this past week and we had some interesting conversations. One of the natural directions the conversation drifted to was work - she asked me how I felt about being a manager. Surprisingly this was really the first time anyone has asked me that in the past year. A year ago I became an interim manager and then in January was offered the permanent position. I've had people ask me about how I feel I've been doing, how things have been going for me, etc., but I've never really had anyone ask me how I felt about the switch from being in a classroom to being a manager. My answer was, "it really depends on the day."
There are some days that I really and truly enjoy my job and embrace the challenges of being a manager. There are other days that I question my decisions just because I don't know if I'm doing a good job or not. I'm really not one that needs to be told on a regular basis that I'm doing a good job but every so often it would be nice to hear. I know that everyone gets busy with the day to day of their own job but it would be nice to have someone take the opportunity every once and awhile to give that bit of encouragement. I try to take that moment for my own staff and know that even I could make more of an effort to let them know that what they do is appreciated and they are doing a good job.
I guess one of my frustrations comes from feeling as if I'm supposed to know everything about doing my job even though I've never been in management before. There have been things that I've asked questions about and I've been made to feel as if I was already supposed to know the answer. Maybe some of that comes from my own insecurities/perception but it is how I felt. Looking at it in retrospect, maybe what I should do when I encounter a situation like this again (since I'm sure it'll happen more than once) is just embrace my muchness, ask my questions and then just move on with my day. Maybe I need to learn how to not only manage my staff but manage myself as well. Something for me to work on...
Going into this work week, I already know that somethings are going to potentially need me to have some flexibility. I go to work tomorrow, have Tuesday off (for the Federal holiday) and then I'll work Wednesday - Saturday (I have to be the manager on duty for an event Saturday afternoon - 11:15ish at night). I potentially then have that following Monday off but I have to double check to make sure no one else is off that day so I can take the day off. I know that I'll also have to look into some other possible scheduling issues because I just lost one of my employees as well. I'm sure it will all come together; it's just a little stressful since I haven't figured it all out yet.
Part of me knows that it really is okay that I don't have it all figured out yet but there is that other part of me that says that I should have it all figured out... I'm sure that doesn't make a whole lot of sense but it's my way of thinking. I'm starting to realize that maybe what I need to do is simplify my thinking so I can hopefully stop stressing myself out by making problems seem more than what they are. We'll see how that works out for me...
Well my dear readers, I'm going to bring this to a close for the evening, finish up some laundry and get ready for the week ahead. I hope that you have a wonderful week ahead and embrace all of the muchness opportunities that present themselves. =)
There are some days that I really and truly enjoy my job and embrace the challenges of being a manager. There are other days that I question my decisions just because I don't know if I'm doing a good job or not. I'm really not one that needs to be told on a regular basis that I'm doing a good job but every so often it would be nice to hear. I know that everyone gets busy with the day to day of their own job but it would be nice to have someone take the opportunity every once and awhile to give that bit of encouragement. I try to take that moment for my own staff and know that even I could make more of an effort to let them know that what they do is appreciated and they are doing a good job.
I guess one of my frustrations comes from feeling as if I'm supposed to know everything about doing my job even though I've never been in management before. There have been things that I've asked questions about and I've been made to feel as if I was already supposed to know the answer. Maybe some of that comes from my own insecurities/perception but it is how I felt. Looking at it in retrospect, maybe what I should do when I encounter a situation like this again (since I'm sure it'll happen more than once) is just embrace my muchness, ask my questions and then just move on with my day. Maybe I need to learn how to not only manage my staff but manage myself as well. Something for me to work on...
Going into this work week, I already know that somethings are going to potentially need me to have some flexibility. I go to work tomorrow, have Tuesday off (for the Federal holiday) and then I'll work Wednesday - Saturday (I have to be the manager on duty for an event Saturday afternoon - 11:15ish at night). I potentially then have that following Monday off but I have to double check to make sure no one else is off that day so I can take the day off. I know that I'll also have to look into some other possible scheduling issues because I just lost one of my employees as well. I'm sure it will all come together; it's just a little stressful since I haven't figured it all out yet.
Part of me knows that it really is okay that I don't have it all figured out yet but there is that other part of me that says that I should have it all figured out... I'm sure that doesn't make a whole lot of sense but it's my way of thinking. I'm starting to realize that maybe what I need to do is simplify my thinking so I can hopefully stop stressing myself out by making problems seem more than what they are. We'll see how that works out for me...
Well my dear readers, I'm going to bring this to a close for the evening, finish up some laundry and get ready for the week ahead. I hope that you have a wonderful week ahead and embrace all of the muchness opportunities that present themselves. =)
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Stop writing.... Start doing
Why just because Halloween is over do we immediately have to start looking at Christmas decorations? Granted, I like the Christmas holiday season but it seems to start earlier and earlier each year. Soon we might be starting to see stores decorate for Christmas in the summer or we might never see the decorations leave the store and it will just stay up year round.... I guess I'll just sit here and shake my head...
This isn't the only time that I shook my head this week... There was one day at work that I had three people call out sick so I really had to make things work out of nothing. Luckily we were able to survive the day but it did make me question some of the systems in place at work and I think we could be doing better in certain areas. I haven't really had the chance to introduce the people that work in my building the things that I learned while I was at my conference and I think this upcoming week might be when I introduce some of it. I have to have everyone come in early one day because it's the time of year for flu shots and I think I'm going to take the opportunity that day.
One of the things I noticed is we are lacking in some areas of teamwork. When the people called out of work and I needed some people to take on additional duties, I was met with, "that's not my job." While I understand the resistance to go above and beyond (I can't and don't expect others to give the 1000% daily that I try to hold myself to) there are times you need to at least be willing to do a little more for the sake of the team as a whole. One of the sessions I attended at my conference was titled, "Team building on a duct tape budget" and it was literally activities to have staff participate in solely using a roll of duct tape. I took another session on games you can play with only a tennis ball and I might bring some of those out as well. I just know that I need to do something...
I am going to take some time for myself tomorrow; since I worked yesterday that means I have to eliminate that time from somewhere else in my schedule. I have to go in tomorrow morning since it is a day to run billing and I'm the one in the building that knows how to take care of that. I am planning on showing at least one other person how to run it tomorrow so I'm hoping that will help alleviate some of the things that rest on my shoulders alone. I need to learn how to make my shoulders smaller while I'm at work... I'm not sure how I'm going to spend the rest of my day after I go into work but I'm hoping to do some things for me.
I know that one of my frustrations comes from still not figuring out how to balance things at work and finding time to do things for me. I have no idea how many times I've written about this balance before but I need to stop just writing about it and start doing something about it. On a regular basis I encourage people around me to go after what they need to in order to let their own freak flags fly and when I start to wave my own, I find one reason or another to take it down, fold/ball it up and tuck it away again. I'm ready to smack myself over this..... I need to let me shine. I can't do that if I keep hiding away the things that make me uniquely me.
Well my dear readers, I am going to bring this to a close for the evening. I've given myself some things to think about for this upcoming week and (hopefully) for the weeks to come. I hope that we all have and take those opportunities to allow our freak flags to fly! =)
This isn't the only time that I shook my head this week... There was one day at work that I had three people call out sick so I really had to make things work out of nothing. Luckily we were able to survive the day but it did make me question some of the systems in place at work and I think we could be doing better in certain areas. I haven't really had the chance to introduce the people that work in my building the things that I learned while I was at my conference and I think this upcoming week might be when I introduce some of it. I have to have everyone come in early one day because it's the time of year for flu shots and I think I'm going to take the opportunity that day.
One of the things I noticed is we are lacking in some areas of teamwork. When the people called out of work and I needed some people to take on additional duties, I was met with, "that's not my job." While I understand the resistance to go above and beyond (I can't and don't expect others to give the 1000% daily that I try to hold myself to) there are times you need to at least be willing to do a little more for the sake of the team as a whole. One of the sessions I attended at my conference was titled, "Team building on a duct tape budget" and it was literally activities to have staff participate in solely using a roll of duct tape. I took another session on games you can play with only a tennis ball and I might bring some of those out as well. I just know that I need to do something...
I am going to take some time for myself tomorrow; since I worked yesterday that means I have to eliminate that time from somewhere else in my schedule. I have to go in tomorrow morning since it is a day to run billing and I'm the one in the building that knows how to take care of that. I am planning on showing at least one other person how to run it tomorrow so I'm hoping that will help alleviate some of the things that rest on my shoulders alone. I need to learn how to make my shoulders smaller while I'm at work... I'm not sure how I'm going to spend the rest of my day after I go into work but I'm hoping to do some things for me.
I know that one of my frustrations comes from still not figuring out how to balance things at work and finding time to do things for me. I have no idea how many times I've written about this balance before but I need to stop just writing about it and start doing something about it. On a regular basis I encourage people around me to go after what they need to in order to let their own freak flags fly and when I start to wave my own, I find one reason or another to take it down, fold/ball it up and tuck it away again. I'm ready to smack myself over this..... I need to let me shine. I can't do that if I keep hiding away the things that make me uniquely me.
Well my dear readers, I am going to bring this to a close for the evening. I've given myself some things to think about for this upcoming week and (hopefully) for the weeks to come. I hope that we all have and take those opportunities to allow our freak flags to fly! =)
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