My dear readers,
I hope you have had an absolutely wonderful week and that the week ahead holds some fabulous opportunities for each and every one of you. This week is going to be a very short post as I am on vacation and have been very, very busy. Normally that would mean a very lengthy post from me in order to let you know what I've been up to but not this week...
Yesterday I got what I'm referring to as a "forever henna tattoo" - an actual tattoo, done in henna colors (shades of reddish brown ink), on my back. The artist did a wonderful job capturing what I wanted the design to look like and I wasn't thinking necessarily along that color-scheme but after talking with my Mom about my tattoo we thought it could take the design in a very meaningful direction for me. Since it's on my back, sleep was interesting last night so I don't know if it was as restful as it could've been (I don't do great sleeping on my stomach).
On top of that adventure, tomorrow one of my brothers and I (and his girlfriend) are going on a road trip to an amusement park for the day. In preparation for what adventures that in and of itself holds in store, I'm going to bring this to an early close in the attempt to get some good sleep tonight. If I don't write another post later in the week, I will catch you this same place next week and I will fill you in on my adventuring.
I hope you all have some adventures of your own (and if you don't necessarily see one on your horizon that you take the opportunity to create one or two for yourself!) and that you take those opportunity to let your freak flags fly!
~ Gypsy
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Crashing a belly dance performance...
Well, my dear readers, another week has gone by and I am taking the opportunity to write about some of my adventures. Let me start with the one that inspired this week's title (even if it's out of order). I am on vacation and am visiting family. Last night my Mom had a belly dance show and I was planning on going just to watch (originally I had offered to dance but had never heard back so I was going to enjoy myself in the audience). Mom was the star of the first half of the show and I truly enjoyed watching her performance. When the show got to intermission, I turned to Dad and said that I felt like the show was missing something. A moment later, Mom joined us from the dressing room and I asked if she thought the group would mind if I crashed the show and danced. We grabbed the coordinator if the show and I presented my offer. She agreed and I hastily gave a piece of music to the sound guy and we tossed a costume together. I kept on the shirt I had on (it was covered with sparkles and we tucked it in the front and left it long/draped in the back), I pulled on the harem pants my Mom had worn and we used two veils to make a makeshift skirt.
The coordinator had me open the second act and introduced me as a special guest performer (which was pretty cool). Since I didn't bring a sword with me, I opted instead to dance one of the choreographers from my home troupe. I chose to dance my troupe's "story dance" and something about it was very freeing. I have loved this dance since the first time I saw it, have danced it with the troupe and solo but last night's performance felt different. I don't know if there was a different feeling because there was absolutely no pressure to dance, if it was the energy from the crowd or what it was but I felt absolutely alive on the stage as I danced. It didn't even phase me when one of the veils slid and pooled slightly around my feet - I just kept kicking it out of my way and continued to dance. I loved being on the stage last night even if it was utterly impromptu and thrown together; I was sad when the song ended. After the show was over, I got lots of compliments so I was glad that I crashed the performance.
My travels to get here were fairly uneventful and I even had a very nice surprise. As I checked in at the airport kiosk there was a pop up that asked me if I wanted to upgrade my longest flight to first class for a very low fee. I wasn't going to turn down that opportunity so I signed up. I was SO glad that I did! I have only flown first class once before but it was nothing like this! It was a larger plane so first class really was like being in a different world! I was offered a beverage as soon as I sat down (I ordered a Baileys which I have never had before but I thoroughly enjoyed it!) and was even served a meal (they called it an appetizer but it was a meal). The seats were very comfortable and I even found myself being able to sleep a little on the plane which I usually have a pretty difficult time doing.
Maybe one if the things that helped me get some sleep on the plane was the long work hours I put in this past week. We have been gearing up for an inspection which could happen at any time and my boss just discovered that they wanted documentation different from how we had prepared it in years past. Since I was getting ready for my vacation, there was a mad scramble to work on consolidating the required documentation (there was one day I worked 12.5 hours, one 11.5 hour day and two 10.5 hour days and one 9.5 hour day - that was the day I left to get to the airport). I got as much work done as I could and finally just had to say that I did what I could. We don't necessarily know when the inspectors are coming but my piece was as done as I could get it and I turned it over to my boss to finish it up. I didn't even feel guilty passing it off to her - major accomplishment for me!
I was very surprised by the number of times my blog was viewed this past week. I don't know if what I wrote last week surprised/shocked/offended/inspired/etc. but whatever it was I am glad that it happened. I felt better after writing the things that I did and I was glad to see that there were so many visitors (for whatever reason). It is my plan to do some more soul searching and write more insightful posts (if I can call last week's post insightful).
Well, my dear readers, since I'm still playing catch up from my long week, travel/time zone changes and crashing a belly dance performance last night, I am pretty tired. I hope that each and everyone of you have a wonderful week ahead full of possibilities - I know I do (joys of vacation!). Let your freak flags fly and have an adventure! =)
The coordinator had me open the second act and introduced me as a special guest performer (which was pretty cool). Since I didn't bring a sword with me, I opted instead to dance one of the choreographers from my home troupe. I chose to dance my troupe's "story dance" and something about it was very freeing. I have loved this dance since the first time I saw it, have danced it with the troupe and solo but last night's performance felt different. I don't know if there was a different feeling because there was absolutely no pressure to dance, if it was the energy from the crowd or what it was but I felt absolutely alive on the stage as I danced. It didn't even phase me when one of the veils slid and pooled slightly around my feet - I just kept kicking it out of my way and continued to dance. I loved being on the stage last night even if it was utterly impromptu and thrown together; I was sad when the song ended. After the show was over, I got lots of compliments so I was glad that I crashed the performance.
My travels to get here were fairly uneventful and I even had a very nice surprise. As I checked in at the airport kiosk there was a pop up that asked me if I wanted to upgrade my longest flight to first class for a very low fee. I wasn't going to turn down that opportunity so I signed up. I was SO glad that I did! I have only flown first class once before but it was nothing like this! It was a larger plane so first class really was like being in a different world! I was offered a beverage as soon as I sat down (I ordered a Baileys which I have never had before but I thoroughly enjoyed it!) and was even served a meal (they called it an appetizer but it was a meal). The seats were very comfortable and I even found myself being able to sleep a little on the plane which I usually have a pretty difficult time doing.
Maybe one if the things that helped me get some sleep on the plane was the long work hours I put in this past week. We have been gearing up for an inspection which could happen at any time and my boss just discovered that they wanted documentation different from how we had prepared it in years past. Since I was getting ready for my vacation, there was a mad scramble to work on consolidating the required documentation (there was one day I worked 12.5 hours, one 11.5 hour day and two 10.5 hour days and one 9.5 hour day - that was the day I left to get to the airport). I got as much work done as I could and finally just had to say that I did what I could. We don't necessarily know when the inspectors are coming but my piece was as done as I could get it and I turned it over to my boss to finish it up. I didn't even feel guilty passing it off to her - major accomplishment for me!
I was very surprised by the number of times my blog was viewed this past week. I don't know if what I wrote last week surprised/shocked/offended/inspired/etc. but whatever it was I am glad that it happened. I felt better after writing the things that I did and I was glad to see that there were so many visitors (for whatever reason). It is my plan to do some more soul searching and write more insightful posts (if I can call last week's post insightful).
Well, my dear readers, since I'm still playing catch up from my long week, travel/time zone changes and crashing a belly dance performance last night, I am pretty tired. I hope that each and everyone of you have a wonderful week ahead full of possibilities - I know I do (joys of vacation!). Let your freak flags fly and have an adventure! =)
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Feelings of inadequacy
There are times I have difficulty understanding how something I read or hear or see on TV/movie can take me back to "that place." That place of utter despair when I realized that what I thought my marriage was isn't what it appeared to be. Or at least the two people involved had different perspectives of what the marriage had become. It's been five and a half years almost - when do those feelings go away? Do they ever go away? Am I holding onto those feelings for some sick/twisted reason? Am I really as "together" after this whole mess as I like to think that I am or am I just fooling myself? It's currently the middle if the night as these thoughts plague me as I should be asleep. Why are these thoughts coming to me now? I took an almost 40 minute walk today - why couldn't they have come to me then? It's nights like these that I just want to scream or cry or something until I am utterly exhausted and can fall asleep (even though I feel as if my 1.5 mile walk after work should make me want to be asleep right now...).
I know that I should be asleep right now since I have work/dance tomorrow but I feel compelled to write and I haven't felt that way in some time. Maybe if I get some of these thoughts out of me, it will be the emotional purge I need in order to let my mind/heart be quiet in order to get a few hours of sleep... Thinking about it, while I've still been writing weekly, I haven't taken the time/opportunity to write about some of the thoughts/feelings that have been creeping to the surface because I haven't wanted to face them or I didn't feel as if people really wanted to hear what struggles I've been having.
I've had to remind myself that I started writing for me and I told myself that this was an avenue that I wasn't going to censor myself. There are times that I have to squelch the "real" me and even though I write under a pseudonym, this was a place I didn't have to hide away or change who I am in order to have people be okay with me. Either you read or you don't. You can read part of what I write, you can read all of what I write or none of what I write. You can agree or disagree with me. I write for me. Yes, I value my dear readers but this was an opportunity for me to write about my quest - the good, the bad and the ugly about it. I feel as if I am currently fighting giants and people are trying to convince me that they're windmills (Man of La Mancha reference) but I know they're giants.
In my head, I know that the wasband made the decisions he did for whatever reason. Over the last number of weeks, I have been right back to when it happened and questioning if it really boiled down to being my fault as he said it was. I thought I'd come to terms with the thought that what happened up until he left was because of both of us and when he left, that was on him. So why, five and a half years later, am I back to that place? It makes me sick to my stomach to think that I'm still not fully over him and I just want to give myself a swift kick in the butt or head or wherever it would make some sort of difference.
As I sit here writing, I just glanced down at my gypsy tattoo and I don't know if it's because it's late or what but she looks as lost as I feel currently. When I first got the tattoo, I loved how determined she looked (the expression on her face was always one of confidence and a "don't mess with me" air to it) and in the middle of the night (at least this particular night), her expression matches mine. While the expression hasn't changed (since it's drawn that way) it's almost like it's now saying "don't mess with me.... I think... If that's okay with you...?" Why has she gone from the confident gypsy to the gypsy who feels the need to either ask permission or seek validation/approval from those around her? I want her (and me) to stop feeling as if the validation of others is the most important thing.
I had someone ask me the other day if I had ever considered writing a book (they had just recently found out I keep my blog and read a few of my posts). The thought of that both terrifies and secretly thrills me. Terrified because I don't know if I could do it and if I did, would I only sell copies to myself that I then force upon family and friends? It thrills me in the sense to think that something that I put to paper would be out there to (hopefully) inspire others. There is no real easy answer to the question about writing. I do enjoy it and I find it liberating (most of the time) but would I have enough to say to fill an entire book? Maybe I need to live a little more first before that becomes any sort of a serious possibility...
A strange/random thought just came to me. Maybe one of the things I need to do in order to propel myself back into the land of possibilities is I need to obtain a passport. It's something I've thought about before on several occasions but I have never had a need for one so I've never done it. If I had a passport, I might look into going on an adventure. Where? With who? I have no clue. But I stifle myself before I even start if I don't even have a passport. With the nature of my job, I don't know when I could even look at the possibility of such a trip but even the possibility would be nice to have. Maybe I could go on a cruise and find a colony of mermaids that would let me join them...
I have felt lately that I have been forced back into the box/mold that I have so desperately been trying to free myself from. I'm setting the box around myself though and trying to shove myself back into it. I'm the one establishing the parameters/boundaries around myself that I alone am then fighting. How strange is that? Something for me to ponder in the upcoming week or so -- preferably not in the middle of the night. Thank you for joining me along my quest, dear readers.
I know that I should be asleep right now since I have work/dance tomorrow but I feel compelled to write and I haven't felt that way in some time. Maybe if I get some of these thoughts out of me, it will be the emotional purge I need in order to let my mind/heart be quiet in order to get a few hours of sleep... Thinking about it, while I've still been writing weekly, I haven't taken the time/opportunity to write about some of the thoughts/feelings that have been creeping to the surface because I haven't wanted to face them or I didn't feel as if people really wanted to hear what struggles I've been having.
I've had to remind myself that I started writing for me and I told myself that this was an avenue that I wasn't going to censor myself. There are times that I have to squelch the "real" me and even though I write under a pseudonym, this was a place I didn't have to hide away or change who I am in order to have people be okay with me. Either you read or you don't. You can read part of what I write, you can read all of what I write or none of what I write. You can agree or disagree with me. I write for me. Yes, I value my dear readers but this was an opportunity for me to write about my quest - the good, the bad and the ugly about it. I feel as if I am currently fighting giants and people are trying to convince me that they're windmills (Man of La Mancha reference) but I know they're giants.
In my head, I know that the wasband made the decisions he did for whatever reason. Over the last number of weeks, I have been right back to when it happened and questioning if it really boiled down to being my fault as he said it was. I thought I'd come to terms with the thought that what happened up until he left was because of both of us and when he left, that was on him. So why, five and a half years later, am I back to that place? It makes me sick to my stomach to think that I'm still not fully over him and I just want to give myself a swift kick in the butt or head or wherever it would make some sort of difference.
As I sit here writing, I just glanced down at my gypsy tattoo and I don't know if it's because it's late or what but she looks as lost as I feel currently. When I first got the tattoo, I loved how determined she looked (the expression on her face was always one of confidence and a "don't mess with me" air to it) and in the middle of the night (at least this particular night), her expression matches mine. While the expression hasn't changed (since it's drawn that way) it's almost like it's now saying "don't mess with me.... I think... If that's okay with you...?" Why has she gone from the confident gypsy to the gypsy who feels the need to either ask permission or seek validation/approval from those around her? I want her (and me) to stop feeling as if the validation of others is the most important thing.
I had someone ask me the other day if I had ever considered writing a book (they had just recently found out I keep my blog and read a few of my posts). The thought of that both terrifies and secretly thrills me. Terrified because I don't know if I could do it and if I did, would I only sell copies to myself that I then force upon family and friends? It thrills me in the sense to think that something that I put to paper would be out there to (hopefully) inspire others. There is no real easy answer to the question about writing. I do enjoy it and I find it liberating (most of the time) but would I have enough to say to fill an entire book? Maybe I need to live a little more first before that becomes any sort of a serious possibility...
A strange/random thought just came to me. Maybe one of the things I need to do in order to propel myself back into the land of possibilities is I need to obtain a passport. It's something I've thought about before on several occasions but I have never had a need for one so I've never done it. If I had a passport, I might look into going on an adventure. Where? With who? I have no clue. But I stifle myself before I even start if I don't even have a passport. With the nature of my job, I don't know when I could even look at the possibility of such a trip but even the possibility would be nice to have. Maybe I could go on a cruise and find a colony of mermaids that would let me join them...
I have felt lately that I have been forced back into the box/mold that I have so desperately been trying to free myself from. I'm setting the box around myself though and trying to shove myself back into it. I'm the one establishing the parameters/boundaries around myself that I alone am then fighting. How strange is that? Something for me to ponder in the upcoming week or so -- preferably not in the middle of the night. Thank you for joining me along my quest, dear readers.
Sunday, May 4, 2014
looking for "me time"
Well, it was back to work this past week and I was busy, busy. Not only did I have to accomplish my normal weekly tasks, I also had to play catch-up and complete the tasks from when I was out of the office on training. I don't necessarily feel as if I accomplished everything but I definitely put a good dent in all of the things I needed to get done. I suppose it just gives me a jump start on my to-do list for this upcoming week at work. I have a starting point at least....
Along with these tasks I didn't accomplish, I also need to get ahead on tasks because in just a couple of short weeks, I'll be on vacation. While I have quite a bit to get done at work before that point, I am just keeping my eyes on the tasks ahead. My plan for tomorrow is to write a list of all what all needs to get done before my vacation, prioritize it, and just start checking things off of that list. I know I've told myself before but I'm going to tell myself again that, I can only get done what I can get done and I'm not going to stress about the things that I can't. We'll see if I'll be able to live up to that or not.
One of the things that I've decided that I also need to do is I need to start getting a better handle on getting my 10,000 steps in each day and getting back to working out. When I was on my training, most of my days were spent sitting in a classroom and I was unable to reach my 10,000 step a day goal. Since I've been back to work in my building, I've been so busy trying to play catch-up that I've had difficulty meeting that goal as well. I'm disappointed in myself since I had been doing so well and I feel as if now I'm back at square one. I know that it's up to me to do something about it and I guess I'm going to just have to give myself a swift kick in the butt again.
In my head I know that I just need to commit to a 100% lifestyle change and stop slipping into old, bad habits. I have debated looking into one of those food delivery systems since I don't always do the best job of shopping/cooking for myself. The only downside to those systems is I have food allergies/sensitivities and I'm worried about not having many options. I guess I'm going to just have to look into it if it's something that I really want to commit to...
I don't like that I've been beating myself up so much about the issue of food and weight. I know that I have written about these struggles one a semi-regular basis but I think I'm just adding to the problem. I know that stress can lead to laziness and overeating so I know I need to work on cutting some of the stress/pressure I put on myself out of my life. I get enough stress from other aspects of my life and I don't need to keep adding more in because I'm beating myself up. On the other hand, I also need to find ways to cut the stress out of my life or minimize it where/when I can.
Maybe this is one of the reasons I'm looking forward to my vacation so much. There are no expectations of me when I'm on vacation (other than taking one of my nephews to the zoo as per our tradition) and I can focus on doing things that I want to do. I'm not quite sure what those things are that I want to do (other than hope/pray that the weather warms up and I'll be able to get into Mom and Dad's swimming pool) but having the option is exciting. I think I need to bring some of that into my non-vacation life as well - the whole focusing on doing things that I want to do vs. always just doing the things that I feel I have to/need to do.
I think one of the ways I'm going to do that is to decide on at least one thing I want to do next weekend and commit to doing it. Because of the hours I work and the other commitments I have after work (dance and choir) during the week isn't always a possibility but I have the weekend. I don't have any dance gigs next weekend so I think I should have the time to do something for me. I'll have to let you know what I decide to come up with for my "me time."
On that note, my dear readers, I am going to bring this to a close for tonight. My plan is to get some sleep tonight, actually get up when the alarm goes off (vs. hitting the snooze bar) and doing something to workout. I'm going to try and set some small, obtainable goals and go from there. I'm also going to work on coming up with my plan for next weekend. I hope that you have a great weekend and find something for your own "me time." =)
Along with these tasks I didn't accomplish, I also need to get ahead on tasks because in just a couple of short weeks, I'll be on vacation. While I have quite a bit to get done at work before that point, I am just keeping my eyes on the tasks ahead. My plan for tomorrow is to write a list of all what all needs to get done before my vacation, prioritize it, and just start checking things off of that list. I know I've told myself before but I'm going to tell myself again that, I can only get done what I can get done and I'm not going to stress about the things that I can't. We'll see if I'll be able to live up to that or not.
One of the things that I've decided that I also need to do is I need to start getting a better handle on getting my 10,000 steps in each day and getting back to working out. When I was on my training, most of my days were spent sitting in a classroom and I was unable to reach my 10,000 step a day goal. Since I've been back to work in my building, I've been so busy trying to play catch-up that I've had difficulty meeting that goal as well. I'm disappointed in myself since I had been doing so well and I feel as if now I'm back at square one. I know that it's up to me to do something about it and I guess I'm going to just have to give myself a swift kick in the butt again.
In my head I know that I just need to commit to a 100% lifestyle change and stop slipping into old, bad habits. I have debated looking into one of those food delivery systems since I don't always do the best job of shopping/cooking for myself. The only downside to those systems is I have food allergies/sensitivities and I'm worried about not having many options. I guess I'm going to just have to look into it if it's something that I really want to commit to...
I don't like that I've been beating myself up so much about the issue of food and weight. I know that I have written about these struggles one a semi-regular basis but I think I'm just adding to the problem. I know that stress can lead to laziness and overeating so I know I need to work on cutting some of the stress/pressure I put on myself out of my life. I get enough stress from other aspects of my life and I don't need to keep adding more in because I'm beating myself up. On the other hand, I also need to find ways to cut the stress out of my life or minimize it where/when I can.
Maybe this is one of the reasons I'm looking forward to my vacation so much. There are no expectations of me when I'm on vacation (other than taking one of my nephews to the zoo as per our tradition) and I can focus on doing things that I want to do. I'm not quite sure what those things are that I want to do (other than hope/pray that the weather warms up and I'll be able to get into Mom and Dad's swimming pool) but having the option is exciting. I think I need to bring some of that into my non-vacation life as well - the whole focusing on doing things that I want to do vs. always just doing the things that I feel I have to/need to do.
I think one of the ways I'm going to do that is to decide on at least one thing I want to do next weekend and commit to doing it. Because of the hours I work and the other commitments I have after work (dance and choir) during the week isn't always a possibility but I have the weekend. I don't have any dance gigs next weekend so I think I should have the time to do something for me. I'll have to let you know what I decide to come up with for my "me time."
On that note, my dear readers, I am going to bring this to a close for tonight. My plan is to get some sleep tonight, actually get up when the alarm goes off (vs. hitting the snooze bar) and doing something to workout. I'm going to try and set some small, obtainable goals and go from there. I'm also going to work on coming up with my plan for next weekend. I hope that you have a great weekend and find something for your own "me time." =)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
