Apologies...

My dearest readers; let me begin by apologizing for not having a post written last week.  Not that it's an excuse but I am still on vacation and I honestly lost track of what day it was (even though my parents and I went to church last Sunday AM, by the time evening rolled around I forgot to write) and it didn't even hit me until Mom told me on Monday morning that she logged on and there was nothing new for her to read....  That being said, this post is going to be on the short side since I have to be up pretty early in the AM to catch a flight.  I procrastinated in packing today so I honestly just finished and I hear my parent's coo-coo clock chiming midnight (so technically this post is being hastily written very early Monday AM).

I really did have a lovely vacation (except for when the plague struck but more on that in a moment).  Of course, I wish that I would have had the opportunity to spend more time with some of my family members or gotten in touch with old friends, alas, life's hustle and bustle kept that from happening.  I know that I could've made more of an effort but I enjoyed the times I had and I have the opportunity to hang onto those memories as I head back to my apartment and I truly hope that I am not taking the plague back too...  As you may or may not remember, right before I headed here I went to the doctor and was placed on antibiotics.  Now as I'm leaving, the stomach bug (a.k.a. "the plague") has struck several family members and I pray it doesn't hit me at 30,000 feet...

Maybe in an effort to help keep that at bay, I should stop typing for tonight since I have my travel day tomorrow wich will start very early (and I already don't handle "goodbyes" well...). If I get the opportunity, I may write more tomorrow or later in the week since I still have another week until I go back to work.  May you have a wonderful week my dear readers!

Crazy auntie

Well, I finally am starting to feel close to human again after a full night of sleep; I worked for about six hours on Friday, went back to my apartment and then headed to the airport for my 15 hours of travel.  I don't know what happened but I made it through all of the legs of my trip without any issues (which is pretty much a first for me...) so I'm not entirely sure what perils await me on my return trip...  The only thing that happened was the first plane was a little late (because it was late to the airport before mine) and we missed our "magic window" for takeoff and we had to wait just under a half hour on the tarmac (no biggie for me since I was in an exit row and didn't have a seat mate).  I only got about 2 hours of sleep between the different planes so I was definitely ready for a night of sleep.

After the long overdue night of sleep, we went to church this AM and the sermon presented an interesting perspective on the "crazy uncle/aunt" that we all have in our families (and if you can't think of who that is, you might be that person).  One of the things the pastor was pointing out is being that "crazy relative" doesn't have to be a bad thing - we actually want people who don't just see things as black and white but see the possibilities that are available.  My dad commented to the pastor at the end of the service that not only are he and my mom a crazy uncle/aunt but they raised them as well.  I have to say that I'll happily admit to being one of those crazy aunts.  (You may be wondering where the connection to this and a sermon; he connected the "crazy uncle/aunt" to how John the Baptist may have been viewed.)

I encourage my three nephews (and all of the children I work with) that looking at the world in different ways is not necessarily a bad thing!  There are times that I think it would be better if more people were just a little bit crazy and learned to look at the world in new/different ways.  I'm not saying there aren't times where things do need to be black or white but there are times where adding a new perspective to life.  Adding a new perspective to life wouldn't be a bad thing.

Well, my dear readers, tomorrow is going to start very early and this crazy auntie has the opportunity to see at least two of my three nephews if not all three...  Take the opportunity to be crazy...  =)

Finally sitting....

I am finally sitting down after a very long and busy day (the only other real time I sat today was while I was on the phone with my parents this afternoon and church this morning); I had to substitute teach dance class in a neighboring town first thing this morning, rush to church where we had a handbell "concert" (three pieces), ran to the store after church, and then came back to my apartment where I began to work.  I've done quite a bit of cleaning today (even did a sink full of dishes - ugh...).  I still have more to clean but I just can't do anymore tonight.

I think my dogs are starting to realize that something is about to happen because they have been glued to me most of the day.  They are currently curled up on the couch next to me (one on each side which they don't tend to do) and even though they're sleeping, if I move, they wake up to see what I'm doing.  They are correct in thinking that something big is about to happen because this week I will be starting my vacation - my annual holiday trek to see family.  I don't have the best of travel records (if you've been reading my posts for any amount of time, you know this to be true) but we'll see if I will be in the favor of the travel gods or not...

No matter if I get everything done at my apartment and at work or not, I am so ready for this vacation.  I know that work will be left in capable hands and I just need to let go.  I have been so wrapped up in the day to day of things that I haven't taken too many opportunities to just relax.  I have taken some time here and there to do things for me but they've been too few and far between in my opinion; and I don't usually say that, I usually am focusing on the "more" I could've done.  I'm realizing that because I've been "all go, no relax or me time" that I am burning out.  That takes a lot for me to admit; as a perfectionist - I want to keep working/trying until the job is not only done but done to my level of standards and I just can't keep this pace up anymore.  If nothing else, I'm hoping that this vacation shows people at work that they CAN function without me and I'll be able to feel confident in delegating some of the tasks that I feel as if only I can accomplish.  I know that I need to stop thinking that the only way things will get done is if I take care of them myself.  Easier said than done but I'm going to work on it...

Well, my dear readers, I know that this is a relatively short post for this week but I just realized what time it is (sat down awfully late to start writing) and I should probably think about heading to bed before too much longer.  I have quite a bit to cross off my list in the next few days so I should probably try and get a good night's sleep.  In the hustle and bustle to get things crossed off your own lists, please don't forget to embrace the opportunities to let your freak flags fly and for your muchness to shine!  =)

No more...

I know it's early but I've already decided to make one of my new year's resolutions (effective now) - I have decided to be done letting the drama of those around me have such an effect on me.  I know that some things will be unavoidable (I am always willing to listen to/assist with where I can drama of family members) but I'm going to try my absolute best to not have the drama of others become the things that weigh me down.  For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to help "fix" those around me and in doing so, I have a tendency to internalize their problems as my own (something about me also being a perfectionist I think).  In doing so, I find myself constantly stressing because I take their problems/drama on as my own and I have found that I have stopped working on me.

I don't know why I have felt such a compelling need to respond to messages/phone calls/emails of people who only seem to need me when things are either going wrong in their lives or when it's convenient for them but I'm over it.  For example, today at church as I walked in the door, the pastor surprisingly stopped me.  It took her a minute to remember my name and then told me, "I've asked lots of people to do something for me today and after they all told me no, I figured you might be interested."  Wow....  Gee thanks.  After you asked lots of other people, you just figured you'd ask me?  She actually seemed shocked when I politely told her no.  I didn't feel guilty about saying no then and I don't feel guilty about it now.

I have been challenging myself to say "no" in situations where I really don't want to do something (as long as by saying "no" I'm not going to lose my job) and be okay with my answer.  There have been different times in my life where I felt like a slight failure if I've had to say "no" to something but I'm learning otherwise.  I'm definitely not trying to be mean/nasty with my saying '"no" but I know that there are times for my own sanity [I know, I know.... what sanity =) ] I need to do a better job at learning when to admit that I can't add anything else to my already overflowing plate.

Speaking of overflowing plates, this past week at work, I ended up working just shy of 12-hours Monday - Wednesday and then another 4 hours on Friday (it was a day off but I had to go in to sign off on payroll and have a meeting with the boss).  So out of a week where I was supposed to have two days off, I still found a way to work an almost 40 hour work week.  That means, this upcoming week, I really need to find a way to take some hours away from work.  I am hoping that either Tuesday or Wednesday I'll be able to get away with working a half day but we'll see how that goes.  I know that I just need to commit to taking the time off and just tell everyone that I'm reachable by phone if something major comes up but I feel bad doing that with my upcoming vacation.  I know, I know...  It sounds like I'm already trying to talk myself out of taking the time off of work but I think what I just need to do is tell two of my other office staff to kick me out of the building and not listen to me if I try and say no.  Maybe if they kick me out, I'll feel better about it...

Something I finally decided to do for me is I am no longer wearing any jewelry from the wasband.  I have been wearing diamond studs he gave me (they weren't given for any particular reason, they were "just because" diamonds) because they were diamonds but I have decided that I no longer want to.  I had been considering switching them out for awhile but today was the day that I finally went for it.  I went to my piercing studio so they're nice earrings but they are completely mine.  I feel pretty good about my decision.  I still have the diamonds and I will, at least for the time being, tuck them away in a safe place but I'm not going to wear them for the time being.  A decision for my own mental health if nothing else.

Well my dear readers, I am going to bring this to a close for this evening, think about getting ready for my work week and see what time I'm able to get to bed tonight.  I have been having a little bit of trouble sleeping (again) so I'm hoping to be able to get some good sleep tonight.  I hope that you have a wonderful week and be drama free from those around us!  =)

Take care of you

"You really need to learn how to take better care of yourself" is a phrase I heard from different people this week.  I had worked an 8.5 hour day a week ago yesterday (yes, on a Saturday) so I was supposed to take some time off from work this past week; that didn't happen.  Something had come up unexpectedly for one of my coworkers and I granted them the time off that they needed based on their situation and I stayed at work.  I also didn't feel well this past week (lost my voice and everything) and the day that I was told that I should go home and rest, there were too many fires popping up at work for me to leave.  I know that I really need to learn to get to the point where I say the fires aren't real, will still be waiting for me when I get back to work, and I should take the time off that I need to.  This upcoming weekend is supposed to be a four day weekend but we'll see if that ends up happening or not (my boss potentially wants to have a meeting on Friday so I may have to go into work).

There are times where I feel as if I'm so busy taking care of everyone else around me that I forget that I need to be taken care of too.  I mentioned this past week to see if anyone else has ever felt where they've had one of those days where you think you're fine and then things hit you like a ton of bricks?  This past week, I would have been found under the rubble of the brick wall.  I'm not trying to be overly pessimistic, I just felt as if I had one thing after another continually pilling up on me this past week.  At one point I tried blaming it on the wasband (since this past week was the six year mark of him leaving) but realized that didn't make me feel better and I actually have come to the point where I don't want to even acknowledge that he's currently having any sort of an effect on my life whatsoever....

I know that may be easier said than done because there are times that I'll think everything is going along fine and something will trigger a memory and take me right back to that place after he left.  I don't necessarily like realizing or admitting that fact.  I need to get to a place in my life where I can acknowledge the role he played in it, shake myself free from it all and move on.  I need to focus on the good things going on this time of year rather than the the choice that he made to leave.  I also need to start focusing more on the things that I've been able to accomplish for myself since he's been gone.

I currently have the TV on in the background while I write and something in a commercial just caught my attention.  I know, I know....  I've written in the past how much I hate commercials but like I said, this one just happened to catch my attention (even though I don't really know what the commercial was about) with the saying,  "have no regrets; have a story."  If someone started reading my blog now, what would they read?  Would they read about someone who has regrets or would they read about someone who has a story to tell?  That's something that I definitely want to think about in the near future - I want it to read as if I have a story to tell.

One of the things I want to start doing with my story is to not worry as much about what other people think or what they might have to say about my decisions.  It's my life, my decisions and my story to tell.  Sure, as some people read it, they might choose to skip a chapter or two or they might decide to stop reading all together.  I'm okay with either of those honestly.  As an avid reader, I have started reading some books that I have either waited years to finish or I've not finished at all.  Even if I didn't finish the story, I give credit to the author for putting themselves out there and to tell the story that they wanted to tell...

On that note my dear readers, I'm going to bring this particular chapter to a close and head to bed.  This upcoming work week, while only three days, they are potentially going to be some long ones for me since the kids are out of school and we're open from 7 am until 6 pm.  Wish me luck...  Dream big; write your stories; embrace your individual muchness; and take care of you!  =)

Muchness revisited... again

I feel as if there have been a couple of places/situations where my muchness is being tested.  I don't know if it's just my perception or if it's actually happening but I feel as if I am being looked down upon/ignored for my muchness.  Let me just say, I don't like the feeling but it's not going to stop me from being me.  Ironically, one of the places that I have felt ostracized almost because of my muchness has been at church.  Yes, I am tattooed and have piercings but that doesn't mean I should get ignored while at church.  Today, for example, the pastor walked past me like six times, I said hello and she just continued walking past me.  She is relatively new to being the pastor of our church but I see her talking to/genuinely interested in the other people at the church and I get walked past.  It makes me wonder if I've done/said something, haven't done/said something, or if it's because of how I look...

I know that there have been times where I have been guilty of being judgmental of someone based on something about how they look but I do try to not do that - everyone has the right to self-expression and embracing their own muchness.  I hope this isn't happening to me to make me more aware of things I've done but it's making me question some things I don't necessarily want to be questioning.  Yes, I have questioned my muchness in the past but I have done a 180 and am fully embracing it yet again and I hope that everyone else can do the same.  I have firsthand knowledge that muchness can be daunting at times but I really feel as if allowing yourself to show your uniqueness is very powerful/freeing.

I'll be one of the first ones to admit that I don't always give myself enough credit where credit is due.  I am often the one who is encouraging others yet finding all of the faults in myself.  This is something that I want to challenge myself to stop doing.  My parents and my family have always supported me but my voice is the one that's loudest in the middle of the night.  Granted, my parents have questioned my tattoos/piercings but they haven't stopped supporting me because of having them done.  It's definitely nice knowing that I have their support.  But, like I said, in the middle of the night, the voice in my head overrides that knowledge and I begin to question decisions I've made and wondered if I'm enough.  I know I've written before about learning how to quiet that voice but I haven't been able to do it as of yet.

One area in particular I know I need to work on giving myself credit is in the dance studio.  Yesterday in class, my instructor did one of the things I dread - she put on a piece of music and just told us to dance.  It's a piece that we as a troupe have choreography to but we weren't allowed to use the choreography, it had to be a spontaneous performance.  Luckily we didn't have to perform in front of the group that way (which we have done in the past - ugh...) but I still find it to be a very difficult exercise.  I felt as if in places I was fighting my body because it so badly wanted to do the choreographed moves.  As I watched myself in the mirror, I just kept focusing on things that I felt I was doing "wrong" even though I was moving to the music and I actually was doing a decent job.  I need to get better at recognizing that I did a good job instead of focusing on what I perceived as below average.

I guess in situations like I found myself in yesterday at the dance studio or today at church, those are the times I need to remember to completely embrace my muchness and be okay with me.  I also need to remember this heading into another work week.  As we talk with the kids about what they're thankful about as Thanksgiving nears, I need to remind myself to be thankful that I have the opportunities that I do to embrace my muchness because not everyone has that as an option to them.

On that note, my dear readers, I think I'm going to bring this to a close, get ready for the week ahead and laugh at one of my two dogs who is trying desperately to "rearrange" the carpet and make it more comfortable to lay on.  Silly dog...  But maybe all he's doing is embracing his muchness too.  =)

Managing myself

I had the unique opportunity to go to lunch with a friend from work this past week and we had some interesting conversations.  One of the natural directions the conversation drifted to was work - she asked me how I felt about being a manager.  Surprisingly this was really the first time anyone has asked me that in the past year.  A year ago I became an interim manager and then in January was offered the permanent position.  I've had people ask me about how I feel I've been doing, how things have been going for me, etc., but I've never really had anyone ask me how I felt about the switch from being in a classroom to being a manager.  My answer was, "it really depends on the day."

There are some days that I really and truly enjoy my job and embrace the challenges of being a manager.  There are other days that I question my decisions just because I don't know if I'm doing a good job or not.  I'm really not one that needs to be told on a regular basis that I'm doing a good job but every so often it would be nice to hear.  I know that everyone gets busy with the day to day of their own job but it would be nice to have someone take the opportunity every once and awhile to give that bit of encouragement.  I try to take that moment for my own staff and know that even I could make more of an effort to let them know that what they do is appreciated and they are doing a good job.

I guess one of my frustrations comes from feeling as if I'm supposed to know everything about doing my job even though I've never been in management before.  There have been things that I've asked questions about and I've been made to feel as if I was already supposed to know the answer.  Maybe some of that comes from my own insecurities/perception but it is how I felt.  Looking at it in retrospect, maybe what I should do when I encounter a situation like this again (since I'm sure it'll happen more than once) is just embrace my muchness, ask my questions and then just move on with my day.  Maybe I need to learn how to not only manage my staff but manage myself as well.  Something for me to work on...

Going into this work week, I already know that somethings are going to potentially need me to have some flexibility.  I go to work tomorrow, have Tuesday off (for the Federal holiday) and then I'll work Wednesday - Saturday (I have to be the manager on duty for an event Saturday afternoon - 11:15ish at night).  I potentially then have that following Monday off but I have to double check to make sure no one else is off that day so I can take the day off.  I know that I'll also have to look into some other possible scheduling issues because I just lost one of my employees as well.  I'm sure it will all come together; it's just a little stressful since I haven't figured it all out yet.

Part of me knows that it really is okay that I don't have it all figured out yet but there is that other part of me that says that I should have it all figured out...  I'm sure that doesn't make a whole lot of sense but it's my way of thinking.  I'm starting to realize that maybe what I need to do is simplify my thinking so I can hopefully stop stressing myself out by making problems seem more than what they are.  We'll see how that works out for me...

Well my dear readers, I'm going to bring this to a close for the evening, finish up some laundry and get ready for the week ahead.  I hope that you have a wonderful week ahead and embrace all of the muchness opportunities that present themselves.  =)

Stop writing.... Start doing

Why just because Halloween is over do we immediately have to start looking at Christmas decorations?  Granted, I like the Christmas holiday season but it seems to start earlier and earlier each year.  Soon we might be starting to see stores decorate for Christmas in the summer or we might never see the decorations leave the store and it will just stay up year round....  I guess I'll just sit here and shake my head...

This isn't the only time that I shook my head this week...  There was one day at work that I had three people call out sick so I really had to make things work out of nothing.  Luckily we were able to survive the day but it did make me question some of the systems in place at work and I think we could be doing better in certain areas.  I haven't really had the chance to introduce the people that work in my building the things that I learned while I was at my conference and I think this upcoming week might be when I introduce some of it.  I have to have everyone come in early one day because it's the time of year for flu shots and I think I'm going to take the opportunity that day.

One of the things I noticed is we are lacking in some areas of teamwork.  When the people called out of work and I needed some people to take on additional duties, I was met with, "that's not my job."  While I understand the resistance to go above and beyond (I can't and don't expect others to give the 1000% daily that I try to hold myself to) there are times you need to at least be willing to do a little more for the sake of the team as a whole.  One of the sessions I attended at my conference was titled, "Team building on a duct tape budget" and it was literally activities to have staff participate in solely using a roll of duct tape.  I took another session on games you can play with only a tennis ball and I might bring some of those out as well.  I just know that I need to do something...

I am going to take some time for myself tomorrow; since I worked yesterday that means I have to eliminate that time from somewhere else in my schedule.  I have to go in tomorrow morning since it is a day to run billing and I'm the one in the building that knows how to take care of that.  I am planning on showing at least one other person how to run it tomorrow so I'm hoping that will help alleviate some of the things that rest on my shoulders alone.  I need to learn how to make my shoulders smaller while I'm at work...  I'm not sure how I'm going to spend the rest of my day after I go into work but I'm hoping to do some things for me.

I know that one of my frustrations comes from still not figuring out how to balance things at work and finding time to do things for me.  I have no idea how many times I've written about this balance before but I need to stop just writing about it and start doing something about it.  On a regular basis I encourage people around me to go after what they need to in order to let their own freak flags fly and when I start to wave my own, I find one reason or another to take it down, fold/ball it up and tuck it away again.  I'm ready to smack myself over this.....  I need to let me shine.  I can't do that if I keep hiding away the things that make me uniquely me.

Well my dear readers, I am going to bring this to a close for the evening.  I've given myself some things to think about for this upcoming week and (hopefully) for the weeks to come.  I hope that we all have and take those opportunities to allow our freak flags to fly!  =)

I need... me

"Gypsy, I need you to....."  "Gypsy!  I need...."  Gypsy, I really need you to...."  Ugh!!  I feel like this was all I heard this past week.  Every time I turned around someone needed me to drop what I was doing and take care of what they needed.  It didn't seem to matter what I was working on or what deadlines I was trying to work within but they needed me to do something.  If you have been one of my dear readers for any amount of time, you can only imagine how well that went over with me...

I finally had to ask everyone/everything to just stop so I could attempt to prioritize some things and then get back to getting things accomplished.  While I was working on accomplishing tasks, in the back of my mind I was asking myself what I needed.  I have come to the conclusion that what I need is me.  I need to stop solely focusing on the needs of others but to take my wants/needs into consideration as well.  Yes, this is something I've written about before and I'm making it an issue again.  Why now?  Frankly, I'm tired...  I'm tired of what everyone else needs to trump what I need.  Because of that, I actually took this past Friday off of work.

I know that I was "supposed" to (since I traveled to my conference on Columbus Day I was entitled to take a day off of work to make up for that day) but while I was at work last week, I kept going back and forth on if I was actually going to end up taking the day off or not.  As we were locking up on Thursday, I made my decision to take the day off.  I definitely needed the day off.  I spent my day doing things for me.  I slept in, was lazy, took myself to the movies (enjoyed watching Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day -- I really enjoyed it!) and then I took myself to the beach.  I needed that.  I have always enjoyed just walking along the beach, finding someplace to sit, watching/listening to the waves and just soaking it all in.  I really need to do it more often but it comes down to making the time to do so.

As I've written about lately, I know that I need to become a little bit more selfish in terms of saying "no" or taking time off if/when I feel the need.  I let the other people in my building take time off but I don't really do it for myself.  Granted, coming up before too much longer, I am taking a good chunk of time off of work but that's still about seven-ish weeks away.  There are times at work that I think just shutting my office door might be helpful in order to just get things accomplished and some "me" time while I do so.  Tomorrow might be a good day to at least attempt the thought of closing the office door since my office-mate (person I share my office with) is off tomorrow.  We'll see if that works out for me or not...

I have been working on doing a better job of doing things for me but I know that I need to do more.  I  started to collect some new "me" accessories for work/play and have looked into some other possibilities to show "me."  I know that I have a unique personality and I do enjoy showing me now that I've allowed myself to start.  Depending on the situation, I still have my moments where I hide myself away but I need to stop doing that.  I have found that when I limit myself or hide myself away, I tend to feel more stress and have to bite my tongue more (to keep myself from saying things that I really shouldn't).  I know that I'm a work in progress and I just have to work a little bit harder I guess.

On that note, I am going to bring this to a close for the evening and prepare for the week ahead.  I hope that each and everyone of you embraces the opportunities to show your true self and to allow your freak flags to fly -- remember, you have your own personal flag and you get to show it to the world!  Wear a fun color, a cool accessory, your favorite pair of shoes; do the things that make you unique!  Have a wonderful night and week ahead my dear readers!  Thank you for joining me yet again!  =)

Travel

I survived my conference week and I had a good time despite the whirlwind that surrounded the circumstances of my travel...  After my very long travel day, I arrived at the first day of the conference (I met up with someone in the hotel lobby and we were told that the shuttle bus to the conference site wasn't running that early but they could take us to the train; we took the train and ended up walking a number of blocks in the wrong direction before finding where we needed to go - as the shuttle drove up...).  After the initial session and welcome ceremony, I met up with two ladies and we "adopted" each other for the week.  It was nice meeting up with them since I didn't know anyone at the conference and I didn't really want to do everything alone.  The three of us would meet up in between sessions, have lunch together, we wandered around after the end of the conference day, got dinner together and got to know one another better.

The sessions I attended gave me some new/exciting ideas to take back into the workplace.  I know that it definitely wouldn't be smart to try and implement all of those ideas tomorrow but I can start planning some things out.  I also feel as if the lessons I learned will not only help me in the workplace but they will also help me personally.  One of the sessions that I attended, the presenter talked about how different things can influence our lives but only if we let them - worry, lack of sleep/exercise, comparing ourselves to others, drawing inaccurate conclusions, our thought processes, and not acknowledging our own accomplishments.  These are all concepts I have heard before but I think it might have sunk in this time; time will tell.

I'm definitely going to go into work tomorrow with a new outlook - I don't have to be the one to personally take care of things in order to make sure they're done and I also don't have to work a million hours each week.  It won't do me any good to continue at the breakneck pace that I've been attempting to operate and I need to not only realize it but to do something about it.  I already have it on my schedule to have a day off of work this upcoming week (since I traveled last week on the holiday I get to take a day off).  Rather than trying to find a reason to work that day, I am going to take it off and enjoy myself - I don't know what I will do yet but it's going to be something for me.

I did accomplish what I set out to do at the conference in terms of what I wore and what accessories I put on each morning.  I even put a different color in my hair each morning just because I could.  ;)  Actually, the first day, no one said anything about my hair but on the second morning, one of the "three amigas" said to me, "Hey, wasn't your hair blue yesterday?!"  That second day it happened to be red.  I always think it's funny when someone has that reaction since they tend to think it's permanent.  I wore my fun earrings and while people asked about them, the general consensus was that they were cool.  The bag I carried was even very "me" - it is shaped like a bowling ball bag, is purple and lime green with sparkles, and it's made out of retro car vinyl.  I get lots of compliments on it and it just makes me smile every time I carry it.  Now I just have to remember to continue these things as I go back to work tomorrow.

Since I have been gone for a week (technically four days since last Monday was a holiday and the building was closed), I'm not 100% sure what I have in store for me at work tomorrow.  I have an inkling about a couple of things since I was checking my work email while I was gone (just in case) but I'm not sure if other things have come up other than what showed up in my email.  I know that I need to learn how to "switch off" when I'm not there and trust that the work will either be done while I'm not there or it will be waiting for me when I get back into the building.  This is a work in progress and I am hoping to utilize some of the things that I learned this past week to help me with that progress.

Well, my dear readers, I'm going to bring this to a close for the evening and get myself together to head back to work tomorrow.  While I was at my conference I picked up numerous catalogs/pamphlets of new things to purchase, all of my notes from the sessions, receipts to submit for reimbursement, etc...  I hope you have a great week and you have the opportunity to do something for yourself and let "you" shine!  =)

Wake up call

This past week at work, I did end up working a 60 hour week and I probably should have worked a bit more than that in order to get things accomplished.  Throughout the week, I found out that my name came up as someone to send to a national conference this upcoming week.  It took a couple of days to iron out all of the travel arrangements and get the conference fees paid but it all came together and I leave VERY early tomorrow morning.  Because I am going to be gone, I had to do my best to get ahead with things going on at work.  I got almost all of my "to-do" list done but I wasn't able to get it all accomplished.  Oh, well...  The work will still be there, waiting for me, when I get back in a week.

After my conference details had been confirmed, I had a couple of people at work ask me if I was going to change my "look" in order to attend.  I was pretty proud that I said no.  My suitcase is packed and found within are my "fun/funky" clothes and accessories.  I decided that my boss and the boss of my boss know who I am, what I choose to wear and how I choose to accessorize.  Why should I change that just because I'm going to a conference?  What's in my suitcase are things that I would wear to work this upcoming week so why shouldn't I have these same clothes/accessories in my suitcase?

Something else that was a big wake up call has been the amount of hours I have put in so far this year.  Being salary, I get paid for an 8-hour day regardless of how many more hours I put in than that.  I have been tracking my hours since January and this past week one of my coworkers created an Excel spreadsheet for me as a way to track my hours individually.  When the numbers since January until now were keyed in, the total of hours beyond an 8-hour day were.... how else to say it.....  just plain depressing.  There is no other way to say it - the total number of hours is depressing.  I won't list the exact number on here but I will say that if I could actually take the time off of work to equate to the extra hours, I wouldn't have to go to work for a few months.  Yes, I could actually take months off of work due to the extra time I have put in and I find that sad...

It is definitely nice to know that before too much longer I have a couple of week vacation away from everything and I will be able to spend time with my family.  I trust the people who take over for me in my absence but I worry about the "cat's away, the mice will play" mentality that often occurs in a workplace setting when the boss is gone (the boss being me).  At some point I know that I just have to look at it as whatever that's going to happen is going to happen when I'm gone and everyone (myself included) will have to deal with whatever consequences when I get back.  Yes, I'm a perfectionist but this perfectionist needs to learn when and how to let go...

Well, my dear readers, I know this is a pretty short post tonight however I have a plane to catch very early in the morning so I should probably attempt to get to bed at a decent time this evening.  Hopefully I'll be able to get some sleep since it's going to be a long travel day tomorrow and then a long conference week.  Hopefully while I'm there, I will learn a lot as well as openly embrace the opportunities to let my muchness shine!  I hope you take/embrace the opportunities to do the same!  =)

Yelling at myself

I'm finding that I'm doing it again - I am attempting to change/alter who I am depending on who's around me or the situation I am faced with.  Why?  That's an excellent question...

Tomorrow is my birthday and I have a wish for myself; it may seem a selfish wish and it may not come true since I'm writing it down for everyone to see but it's a risk I'm going to take.  My wish for myself is a year of being completely unapologetically me.  No explanations or justifications to people but granting myself the permission to be myself.  It has felt as if lately that people want to "fix me" and I don't know that I necessarily want to be fixed.  It's not that I'm against change but I would like the opportunity to be myself.

I had someone at work ask me this past week why I seem to deliberately want to stand out?  I asked them what they meant by that and they responded that I am a contradiction.  This lead to an interesting conversation about them saying they don't understand how I can say that I'm an introvert and yet dress on the "wild side."  I like to have fun with the clothes/accessories I wear but that doesn't mean that I can't have the personality of an introvert too.  When I asked if because I'm an introvert I'm only "supposed" to wear boring, earth tones they said they didn't have an answer to that and they walked away, ending the conversation.

The conversation did leave me thinking about the validity in what they asked.  I don't feel as if me being introspective should keep me from wearing bright colors, bold patterns or fun accessories.  I also don't feel as if dressing this way should automatically mean that I am an extrovert.  I know what I should do is just not let the conversation get into my head and I should just keep dressing however I want and continue to be an introvert if I want and shouldn't let anyone change that for me.  I need to be me.

I just looked back at the post I wrote this time last year and it was a wake up call - I wrote about the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland.  My birthday just happens to fall on Mad Hatter's Day (the number on his hat is 10/6) and he is one that definitely dances to the beat of his own drum.  When I dance I move to the beat of my own drum but I need to learn how to have that spill over into my "regular" day-to-day life.  The Mad Hatter introduced me to the concept of muchness and I see it's appropriateness.  I shall definitely wear something tomorrow that embraces the Mad Hatter and my own muchness.

Well my dear readers, rather than continuing to question myself and beat myself up over things from this past week, I'm going to bring this to a close and look towards the possibilities of the week ahead. I'm potentially going to be working a 60 hour work week but I just need to remember to embrace my muchness in order to get through all of it.  My plan is to let my freak flag fly - will you?  =)

Day off

I finally did it.  I took a day off of work.  My boss actually told me that I should take the opportunity this past Friday to flex some extra time that I had worked and I did it.  I didn't feel guilty about, I left the work that needed to be completed and I took the day off of work.  I slept in late, hemmed and hawed over what I wanted to do with my day off and I ended up eating a super yummy crepe (fresh strawberries, cream cheese and homemade whipped cream) and took myself whale watching.  If you're relatively new to Gypsy's Quest, you may or may not know that I absolutely love whale watching and don't get to go near as often as I'd like.  Friday's weather was gorgeous and I opted to go.  Boy, am I ever glad that I did!

On the way out, we saw hundreds of dolphins (three different types) and we ended up coming across 20+ humpback whales playing in the ocean.  I'm not sure how I accomplished it but I even captured a short video of a whale flipping its tale.  I didn't capture any good photos but I didn't want to be glued to my camera lens - especially since I often get just pictures of water by the time it's all said and done (I've managed a couple of good photos in all the times I've gone whale watching but not a lot).  There was one photo/video I would've loved to get and it was of a whale right by the boat but at least I got to see it (most people missed it because they were too busy trying to take photos).  I befriended a young man who had never been whale watching before but decided it was time for him to be on a boat since he had just joined the Navy and is due to head to boot camp in a couple of months (ironic, I know).  I was proud of myself for talking with him and giving him insight to whale watching since that's not something I usually do (except for when I'm whale watching... maybe I need to join a boat crew...).

Being out on the water definitely has a way of rejuvenating me.  I took a picture of myself while we were out to sea and everyone says that I look so at peace/relaxed in the photo.  I realize that I need to do things for myself on a more regular basis to keep from feeling burned to a crisp.  I was starting to feel as if things were falling apart around me because I had pushed myself beyond the limit.  I need to do a better job at admitting I need a break and then actually doing something about it rather than getting to the point of being utterly overwhelmed.  I know that I've said that before but I'm to the point that I know I actually need to do something about it when I feel like I'm getting to that point.

There are some upcoming things that I know might push me to the point of burn out so recognizing as I'm approaching that level is going to be important.  I know that being able to realize when I'm getting close to burn out level is the first step and my next step will be attempting to avoid reaching that point whenever it's possible.  I guess that will be one of the next milestones along my quest.  I've let some of the day to day "me time" go by the wayside unfortunately and I need to find a way to get that back.  At one point I was attempting to take a walk after work a few times a week and that has gone on the back burner.  Maybe once my dog is finished with his medications I can move my walks to lunchtime out of the office walks.  Time will tell...

My dog is still on medications for another week and I think he's getting to the point of being done with medication and wearing the "cone of shame."  I have been sneaky enough to hide one of his medications in his scrambled eggs (he scarfs them down so I'm sure he doesn't even taste the medicine) but one of the meds he's still on are ear drops which there is no other way to give him except hold him down and squirt them in his ears.  I feel bad each and every time I have to do it to him and thankfully it's only required once a day.  I'm just hoping that when I take him back to the vet this week and they take the staples out that he doesn't have any other complications from his first surgery and we can be done with this whole experience...  I will fill you in next week.

On that note, I should probably bring this to a close for tonight.  I have to back to work tomorrow and see what all I missed from not being in the building on Friday.  I also get to leave early on Tuesday in order for a dentist appointment (yay....) so hopefully all goes well with that too...  I hope we can all take the opportunities to let our freak flags fly this week and that you can let your muchness show.  =)

Embracing the muchness

It has been a long, busy past week and weekend and I don't know that I'm necessarily ready to head back into work tomorrow...  Yesterday there was an event at work and I had to work approximately 6 hours for "free."  I can always attempt to flex the time out of this upcoming week but there is quite a bit going on this week so I don't know that it's going to happen...  If nothing else, I do have to take a lunch everyday again this upcoming week because of the doggy...

I took my dog back to the vet to have the stitches removed yesterday and his wound didn't heal as fully as they would've liked so they ended up putting in a few medical staples.  They also have him back on another round of antibiotics in case he's still fighting off some sort of weird infection (even though he was already on three different antibiotics...).  He has to take this antibiotic twice a day - once at lunch time and once before bed so that means I have to come home in order to give it to him.  I do feel bad because he still has to wear the "cone of shame" for another two weeks and then I'll take him back to the vet to have the staples removed.  At that point, hopefully everything will have healed the way that they would like or they said we will have to look into different treatment options.  Yippee.

I've had a song running through my head all week and I think someone is trying to tell me something from the lyrics...  One of the lines from the chorus says, "I want to live not just survive..."  This is a concept I have talked about before but I haven't fully embraced it yet for some reason.  There are some aspects of my life that I feel I do pretty well at living but in other aspects, not so much - I fell as if in too many areas of my life I am only surviving and it weighs on me.  I don't like feeling as if I restrict myself and I know that I'm the only one who can change that - I guess I don't know how to change it in certain areas...

It may be a little risky to really be me in certain areas of my life (one of those areas being work since I do work in a "professional" workplace) but some risk could be worth it, right?  For whatever reason, I have once again stopped making the effort in making sure I am wearing something that is "muchness worthy" each and every single day and I need to remedy that.  Each day as I'm getting ready for work, I need to make a conscious effort to add some muchness to my outfit.  Making an effort in this one area will hopefully make me aware to bring muchness to other aspects of my life as well.  I think by starting to do this again it will help me feel as if I'm not merely surviving.

Well, my dear readers, I know this isn't a very long post but I've given myself some things to think about and I should probably think about heading to bed before too much longer.  Before I head to bed, I will also take the opportunity to plan my outfit for tomorrow and make sure that I have some sort of muchness added to what I'm wearing to work.  I hope that each and every one of you embrace your muchness and let your freak flags fly!  =)

Sigh of relief

Doggy update:  he had the drain removed this past week and the incision looks nice and clean (knock on wood that it stays that way until Saturday when he is scheduled to have them removed).  I think while they were performing his surgery, they gave him a brain transplant or something because my 9-year old dog is acting like he's a puppy again.  I know that he's probably feeling better (if he was as sick as the vet thinks for as long as they think) but he's had the same personality for the last 6+ years so it's odd to have him revert back to puppyhood.  I just have to keep reminding myself how lucky/thankful I am to still have him...  Him being on the mend is definitely a sigh of relief.

As we were at the vet's office having the drain removed, the vet was going over aftercare instructions with me when someone came in, carrying their pet in a towel and she was hysterical.  The vet who was talking with me rushed the animal and the couple back to the next room (it was only separated from where I was with a waist high partition).  In the towel was a cat who had been mauled by a dog. The vet tech came out and told the couple that the cat was very severely injured and probably wouldn't make it; the woman begged them to do everything they could to save the cat and to even perform feline CPR if necessary.  The whole time I'm standing there, just wanting to leave, but no one had told me what I owed for this particular visit.  My dog just wanted to help and he was trying to get down from me holding him - he just didn't understand that the couple probably didn't want to see any dog at that particular moment even if he was a smaller dog than had attacked their cat.  Someone at that point finally came back to the desk so I could pay and get out of there.  As I walked out, carrying my dog in my arms, I realized how the whole situation with him could've gone very differently and made me thankful to still have him (even if he is making me crazy being his puppy self again).

I learned something else this week...  I learned that work didn't fall apart just because I took a lunch break in the middle of the day.  Every day this past week, I had to take a lunch break to come home and give my dog his medication (I usually don't take a lunch break, make sure everyone else gets theirs and I just work through the day).  When I got back to work after my hour break, the building was still standing, work looked like it was still getting done and I didn't walk into any major problems.  I also found that by taking this break away from the building, my afternoons seemed to go by faster and I was more energetic/focused for the remainder of my work day.  I have to take a break daily everyday this upcoming week (to give the doggy medication) and I'm hoping to make it a habit. I'm sure I will need a break daily this week not only to give my dog his medication but to take a mental break from preparations for a work event we're having from 9 - 3 on Saturday (yes, I have to work all day on Saturday after working all week and I won't get paid for it...  gotta love being on salary).

I am still waiting to take a whole day off of work now that I have been shown once again that my team can handle it.  I know that they do it when I've been gone on vacations and I do have faith in my team; I just don't want them to feel as if I'm not there for them.  I don't have anything that I'd particularly want to do on my day off but just having a day for me would be nice.  I know I've said it before but I think one of these days I need to take a calendar to my boss and ask when I can have a day off...  We'll see.

I don't know why it's taken me so long to realize that the time I try and give my staff is just as important to take myself but I'm glad to finally be realizing it.  I make sure all of my staff get a lunch break if they work over a certain number of hours as well as give them time off of work when they ask for it (and if I can't give it to them the day they ask, I try and find an alternate day if that works for them).  It's important for their health and well being as well as their morale in the work place.  I need the same thing.  Like I said, I'm not sure why I had it in my head that the manage of the building didn't need to do those things but I am now learning the importance of it all - especially for the management team.  We have a new operations clerk (secretary/administrative assistant of sorts) staring this week so that will be helpful - we haven't had anyone in that position for almost a year so we're all breathing a sigh of relief that the position is at last about to be filled.

Well my dear readers, it has come to that time that I should bring this to a close and maybe read a little bit before going to bed.  With my doggy being injured, the vet recommend that I sleep nearby in case anything happened in the middle of the night but not have him on the bed because it would be a long drop to the floor for him.  I have been sleeping on the couch with I thought would completely ruin the little bit of sleep that I manage to get each night and ironically I've slept better on the couch that I have for months in my bed.  My back has been a little sore but at least I haven't been tossing and turning.  Maybe it's time to think about a new mattress one of these days...  That's another conversation for another day though.

I hope each and every one of you have an absolutely fabulous week and you seize each opportunity to let your freak flags fly!  =)

Complete and utter panic...

I started my day yesterday with a moment of complete and utter panic...  After I did my usual get up, take a shower, and get dressed, I let the dogs out of their crate to let them outside to do their business.  I noticed a red spot on the back of one of their heads so I wanted to take a closer look.  I was going to give him a quick bath before heading to the dance studio and as I removed his color that's when I had my moment of panic - the red "spot" that I had noticed was actually a deep hole in the back of his head!  I scooped him up and immediately looked online for an emergency vet.  I found one not far from where I live, put my other dog in the crate and placed my poor baby in the car.  I had a feeling it would be an adventure because he tends to get car sick but he just laid down on the front seat (which was an indication to me that he didn't feel well).

When I finally found the location of the emergency vet (which added insult to injury was located near the office of the lawyer I used for my divorce), they had me fill out paperwork.  Because I was worked up, my hand was shaking as I attempted to fill out all of the required documentation while I still was holding my dog in my arms.  Once I got everything filled out that they required, they took us back to the exam room.  The attendant asked me what happened and I had to answer honestly that I didn't know.  After doing the preliminary exam, she went and got the vet.  The vet came in, gave his wound one look and immediately asked me how long he had been sick.  I said that I didn't know what she was talking about because he hasn't been acting sick.  Some of the symptoms she was listing, I told her was just his personality - I'm not sure if she believed me or not...

What the diagnosis ended up being was massive ear infection, tooth decay/mouth infection and the hole was caused by a ruptured abscess.  What a mess...  They ended up putting him under general anesthesia (so I had to fill out forms stating I understood there was a possibility he might not wake up), cleaned/sutured the hole, pulled teeth and sent him home on five different medications (three different antibiotics, pain meds and an anti-inflammatory - phew...).  I have to take him back in the middle of the week to remove the drain and check on him and then again in two weeks to remove the sutures.  One of the plus sides I guess, is I'll have to take a lunch everyday for the next two weeks in order to come home and give him medication.

The whole situation has left me feeling pretty guilty for the dog who needed surgery and my other dog who was left behind.  After this weekend, I really wish that I had a doggy thought translator so I would know what each of them wanted/needed and I wouldn't have to guess.  Maybe if I would have had one of those, I would've known he wasn't feeling well and this situation could have been avoided.  Granted, knowing about it earlier may or may not have changed the outcome but I still feel bad that they've both had to go through what they have this weekend...

My head knows that feeling guilty about the whole situation won't change anything however I still feel that way and it's left me asking a lot of "what ifs."  What if I didn't spend so many hours at work?  What if I would have been home more often?  What if I wouldn't have been home this weekend (I had been invited to go to an out of state belly dance retreat that lasted from Thursday through tomorrow)?  What if I wouldn't have noticed the wound when I did?  I even went to the dreaded place of what if I wouldn't have fought so hard to keep both dogs when I got divorced - would this have still happened (completely illogical of me but I still went there...)?  Too many questions, not enough answers...  I suppose I have to look at is that it did happen, I got him medical attention as quickly as I could and I've been taking care of him the best I can since; but those thoughts aren't easy to come by - especially in the middle of the night...


 Well, my dear readers, I hope I didn't bring you down too much this week by the things that I had to say but I think it is time for me to bring things to a close and head to bed.  Because of everything that happened yesterday, it's no surprise that I didn't get very good sleep last night and I'm hoping for better sleep tonight.  I think it's time for the doggy patient to get more medication anyway...  I hope you have a fabulous week my dear readers and that you don't have any surprises such as this one...

Another year

I was looking at the stats of my blog and I was surprised to realize that today marks year five of Gypsy's Quest and this is my 268th post.  There are days that I feel as if I've barely scratched the surface of what I want to write about and there are other days that I wonder how I've had so much to say.

This past weekend has been filled with multiple belly dance performances and my body is tired.  We had a parade and a street performance yesterday and we performed at two different festivals today.  This weekend was pretty warm and during one of the performances today I think I got a little brain fried and I forgot some of the choreography.  I was able to fake it until I remembered it again but I did get a little frustrated with myself for such a "rookie" move.  Oh, well.  I made it through all of the performances and I actually got some pretty interesting compliments from audience members after each of them...

After the parade, as we were getting ready for the street performance, I had a gentleman approach me out of the blue and tell me that he thought out of all of the dancers from the studio, I looked like I was having the most fun during the parade.  As we were gathering our things after the street performance, I had someone approach me and ask me if I was the troupe leader because my moves/attitude made them think that I was.  Today, at both performances, I danced my sword solo.  I had several people approach me today and tell me what an inspiration I was - some told me they had always wanted to try belly dance but were self conscious and they now want to try; others said that they enjoyed watching me during the whole show because of the attitude I portray; I had complete strangers wanting to have their picture taken with me specifically after the performances because they enjoyed my dancing so much; and my instructor even said that she enjoys watching me dance because when I step out on the stage (especially with my sword) it's like a switch gets flipped in me and I become a different person when I dance.

All of these different interactions/comments I took to heart.  Even though people have told me some of these things before, I never have really seen myself as an inspiration to others but I'm glad that I can be.  I had one woman approach me today and she told me that she felt compelled to talk to me after the performance.  She said that she's always wanted to try belly dance but thought because of her curves she wouldn't be any good at it so she's never bothered.  She told me after my performance particularly that she is going to rethink a great many things.  I told her that I hoped she would give belly dance a try if that's what she wanted to do and she shouldn't limit herself just because she's a curvy gal.

While I was talking with her I realized that I need to say some of the things I was saying to her to myself.  There are times I limit myself for different reasons (and some of them do boil down to me being a bigger/curvy gal) but I want to start seeing myself in a different light.  I want the dancer/performer me to show on a regular basis.  I have seen what my instructor was talking about today with the switch being flipped when I perform (especially with my sword) - I become me; the me that I am often afraid to show to others for whatever reason.  This is something for me to work on showing on a regular basis instead of when I'm just performing.

As I enter into my next year of writing I am curious to see where it leads me.  Thank you, my dear readers, for those of you who have been with me along the entire journey thus far and to those of you who have just recently joined.  I think the performances from this weekend are starting to catch up to me and I am feeling myself drifting to sleep.  I get tomorrow off of work (YIPPEE!) and I'm hopefully going to take the opportunity to do some things for me.  We'll see what happens though...  =)

Muchness opportunities

It was a very long and crazy week and I'm really hoping that the week ahead is a much better one...  I unfortunately ended up working long hours again at work (one day we had a mandatory staff meeting, another night I ended up teaching a 1st Aid/CPR class and the rest of the week I worked from about 7:30 am - 6:15 or so pm) and it has left my tank on less than empty.  Feeling overwhelmed on Friday I had a mini-meltdown towards one of my coworkers - I had just walked back into the building after a soul-sucking meeting, he said he was going to give me minute to process things before filling me in on what happened in my absence and then just started dumping new stuff on me; things didn't go well after that...  I did apologize to him (I genuinely felt bad) but it also helps to justify to me that I need to take a day or two off of work and de-stress.  Why do I allow myself to get to the point where I don't seem to have anything left to give and yet I still attempt to keep pushing myself?

I had mentioned, in passing, to my boss this past week that soon I would need to bring my calendar to her and look at when I could have a day or two off of work.  Her reply was that I had earned it so I think I need to take her up on it.  I don't have anything necessarily that I would like to accomplish with that time off other than to find a way eliminate some stress from my life.  I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to eliminate said stress; maybe I need to go whale watching or the the aquarium or zoo.  I'm sure if I had some time off, I would find something to do that I want to do.  Granted, next weekend is a three-day weekend however we have quite a few things going on with dance in those three days -- Saturday we have a parade and then a short performance and then on Sunday we have two full performances.  I'm sure it'll all be fun but it won't necessarily be a restful weekend by any means.

Yesterday I got word that my new glasses were ready to pick up so I made the drive to go and get them (I had to drive about 35-40 minutes to pick them up).  I approached the counter and the lab tech immediately said, "you must be here to pick up the polka dot glasses."  I laughed and told him that I was.  He brought them out to me and when I put them on and looked in the mirror, I loved them as much as I did last week when I picked them out.  I later wondered what the lab tech would've done if I would have told him that I, in fact, had really boring glasses or if I would've asked him why he just assumed mine were the polka dot ones.  Oh, well.  I love them and that's what matters, right?

In an effort to carpe diem (like I wrote about last week), I did something yesterday that I did just for me and I really don't care what other people might issue as their vote (refer to last week's post if you're confused).  After going to the dance studio and then getting a bite to eat, I was talking with my sister about how I've been feeling lately and she asked me how long it had been since I'd done something just for me.  I gave it some thought and it's been awhile.  So, after talking with her, I decided to take myself to a piercing shop that's near the dance studio that I've been wanting to go to forever.  The piercer was with someone when I walked in and he encouraged me to walk around/look at the jewelry while he finished up.  As I looked in the cases, one of the pieces jumped out at me immediately!

When the piercer was finished with the clients he'd been helping, he approached me and asked if there was something in particular I was looking at getting done.  I showed him the jewelry that was speaking to me and he told me he had been waiting for just the right person to come in for that particular piece.  The jewelry piece that I picked out is an ear spiral - it's a coil that required three piercings in my ear and it's threaded through. As I was talking to the piercer, there were options to the jewelry I had picked out - it's made out of titanium and could be anodized (changed color using electricity and other stuff I really didn't understand much) so we made it a brass color.  Then I got to pick what I wanted on either end and I opted for fire opals (opals are my birthstone).  He talked to me through the whole process and told me that I took the piercing like a champ.  I love the look of it and am so pleased that I had it done.  Yes, my ear is sore/red today but what do I expect after having three holes put it and a spiral run through it?

I know that some people (or a lot of people) might not understand why I might want to have a spiral/coil running along my left ear but I'm okay with that.  This was my muchness moment and I can't stop looking at it.  One day the novelty of it will wear off and it will be just another piercing (I now have a total of 12 holes between my two ears) but I'm going to enjoy it now and I can always change the jewels on the end to change the look of it.  I'm supposed to go back for the piecer to take a look at it in a week or two so he can see how it's healing so hopefully it will be healing like it's supposed to.

Well, my dear readers, I should probably bring this to a close, take some more pain medication, spray my ear with salt water solution and think about heading to bed.  I've been trying to read a little bit each night before going to bed and it seems to be helping me to get to sleep (I really hope I didn't just jinx myself...).  I hope you each have the opportunity for at least one muchness moment this upcoming week and if one doesn't present itself, I hope you create one for yourself!  I'm going to do the same.  =)

What will your verse be?

When I heard the sad news this past week of the passing of Robin Williams, I began to think of some of my favorite movies where he was one of the characters.  The movie that kept coming to my mind was "Dead Poets Society."  I always found the story inspiring -- a teacher who connected with his students on such a level that they stood up to the administration when he was let go.  He also taught them how to reach down inside themselves to show the world who they truly were (even when it scared them to death).  One of the lines that stuck with me is where Mr. Keeting (Robin Williams character) is taking to the class about poetry and he quotes the Walt Whitman poem "O me!  O life!" and then asks them a question -  that you are here - that life exists and identity, that the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.... what will your verse be?

What do I want my verse to be?  I'm not necessarily looking at it as what legacy do I want to leave behind but how do I want people to think of me in the here and now?  Do I want them to see me as the person who just fades away or someone who doesn't care what other people think of them and I just decide to be me?  I think I'm going to be me.

This past weekend, I decided to have my eyes checked (something that I've been thinking I need to do for a little bit now) and I bought new glasses.  I found a pair I liked on-line, made the appointment, made sure they had the frames I wanted and I went.  As soon as I saw the frames and tried them on, I was done.  I'm usually the one who has to try on every pair of glasses on the wall before deciding on a pair of frames and this time I decided in 2.5 seconds.  I love them and the only thing I'm sad about is I have to wait on getting them because they needed to order my lenses.  The glasses that I ordered are black with white polkadots all over them and they are so much fun!  Something the eye doctor recommended for me because I do so much computer work these days and my prescription is mostly for distance that I might want to consider progressive lenses that have my distance prescription at the top and a computer distance prescription towards the bottom.  Because I don't really want to think about having progressive lenses yet (I'm only 33), I bought a second pair of glasses for computer work.  My second pair is purple tortoiseshell and they're lots of fun too.  I don't really mind the thought of having another pair of glasses for while I'm working on the computer and I can basically just leave them on my desk at work since that's where I'll mostly be using them.  I'm just glad I didn't go boring with either pair.

A few weeks ago, I might have been tempted to buy a boring pair (or two) of glasses because for whatever reason, I took down my freak flag, folded it up, put it in a box and tucked the box away.  Why I did that, I have no clue.  What's important though is I've decided to unearth the box, unfurl my flag and fly it proudly again.  Now, those of you who might be unfamiliar with my concept of a freak flag (and there are different versions of them out there), it's being yourself no matter what; finding something about yourself that you don't change out of fear of what others may think/say.  Mom actually gave me an interesting thought today along these lines...  So many times, other people feel as if they have a vote or a say in our lives.  Rather than giving into those votes, why not tell them their vote has been noted as a "no" vote but I get to have the ultimate decision making power in my life.

Maybe one of the reasons I'm feeling feisty/rebellious is I had a dream this past week that left me shaken and I woke up in a cold sweat...  I was in an airport, headed somewhere and my ex-husband approached me.  He was wearing adult footie pajamas (think little kid one-piece pajamas with the butt-flap) and he begged me to forgive him so he could move on with his life.  I walked away from him and got on a plane.  Weird, huh?  When I woke up, I didn't really feel anything for him - not pity, not anger, no feelings for wanting him back (there is NO WAY I want him back)...  The only thing I felt was confusion for why I dreamed about him.  Friends/family have asked me if I've tried to interpret the dream at all (him being in the pajamas show that how he left was infantile; me getting on a plane is showing my readiness to move on....) but I've tried not to dwell on it too much honestly.  I've tried to close that chapter in my life and I don't want to go back there...

I know that the past helps to form who we are but I want to look towards what my future may hold and I want to determine what verse I will contribute.  I'm going to bring this to a close for tonight and think on it before going to bed.  I hope you have the opportunity to do something for yourselves this week my dear readers and that you can find ways to be you...  =)  Carpe diem (also from Dead Poets Society) 

just let go

While at church today, the children's message caught my attention and the basis of that lesson has stayed with me today.  The pastor used an object lesson when she talked with the kids today and the object she used was a piece of rope.  I know that's a strange object to use but it made a connection.  What she said was:  imaging you're hanging by this rope off the edge of a cliff and you're holding on for dear life - in order to move, you have to let go of the rope.  The looks on the kid's faces were a combination of shock and terror when she said that and one of them spoke up and said there was no way they would let go of the rope.  The pastor calmly explained to them that sometimes in order for us to move and grow we have to face something scary like letting go of a rope or we can't move at all.  I think it's time for me to let go of the rope.

I'm not planning on letting go with both hands or anything like that (even though there are days it's felt like a possibility) but I know that in order to move, I have to let go with one hand at a time.  From rereading some of my posts I written lately, I have been desperately clinging to the rope with both hands, while feeling as if I'm going to fall at any given moment, so there has been no way I would let go for anything.  Because of just dangling off the precipice, I have been limiting my own growth potential.

I know that one of the ways I've been limiting myself is by working too many hours and struggling with my stress levels.  This past week was the last week of summer camp for my building and I looked at the number of hours I worked over the 8 week summer -- a regular full time employee put in 320 hours in that time; I worked 470 hours (and got paid for 320 of them).  I know that as a manager, there will be times that I'm required to put in more hours at work than a full time employee but working an extra 150 hours in 8 weeks is more than just a little excessive.  My boss actually told me one day this past week that I needed to go home because I needed to learn how to take care of myself.  From how I've been feeling, I know that I definitely need to work on this skill...

I need to get to the point that I let work go at the end of the day and have it be a "normal" work day.  I don't have to try and be super human all the time and I am entitled to take time off, too.  You may not believe it but I'm really not a control freak - I am a perfectionist though and there are times I find it just easier to complete a task myself.  I need to learn how to let go, task things to other people and be okay with however they complete said task just so it's not one more thing for me to have to take care of.  As a manager, I know I need to work on my delegation skills because if I'm too stressed, I cannot be as effective as I'd like to be, and people are going to resent working in the building I manage.

One of the things I'm going to try and do this week..... wait I'm going to stop myself right there....  I need to stop using the word try....  Do or do not - there is no try (thanks, Yoda).  One of the things I'm going to do this week is do one thing each day that's just for me.  That one thing each day doesn't have to be anything big but it's going to be something that's for me and something that I want to do (rather than things that I need to do).  I think if I make a conscious effort to write down what I do for me each day it will help hold myself accountable to this goal rather than just pushing myself aside.

The thing I'm going to do for myself today is I'm going to turn off the electronics (except for my phone; I have to have it on for work purposes) and read a book before going to bed.  I know I haven't mentioned anything about it in some time (and maybe that's part of my problem) but I'm also going to think about ways to let my freak flag fly this week and to just let go.  I hope that each and every one of you find a way to do the same!  Have a great week, my dear readers!  =)

on/off switch

There are nights like last night and days like today that I wish my brain had an on/off switch.  I wasn't able to fall asleep until after midnight and then I was plagued with some pretty disturbing dreams.  One of the reasons I had difficulty falling asleep is the troupe had a gig today and I wasn't really looking forward to it.  Don't get me wrong - Mom had made me a beautiful costume (the troupe had decided to wear one we haven't worn in some time and the one she made for me looks like it's made out of liquid gold) but I really am not a fan of how it fits my body type.  Granted, it probably doesn't help that I really am unhappy with my current body type and I know it is what it is because of stress levels.

I failed again at leaving work when I was "supposed" to this week and ended up working 12 hour days 4 out of 5 of the work week (I left about 4:30 on Monday).  I know that I really need to do a better job of just walking away from the building when my work day is done.  I haven't figured out quite yet how to just leave the work day behind and know that it will be there when I get to the building the next day.  I even set an alarm to go off to signal my end of day and found reasons to ignore it every single time.  Granted, I know that I'm the boss and some days I'm going to have to put in more than an 8 hour work day - but doing it almost every single day for the last eight weeks....  Enough is enough.  I've said it before and I'll say it again - I mentally, physically and emotionally cannot continue along this path.

Luckily this upcoming week should be the end of these long hours but that doesn't necessarily help me figure out how to eliminate the stress from my life.  I know that most people would say to just go out and get a massage but I have only ever had one and I didn't like it (the masseuse kept yelling at me to relax every two minutes and that was making me tense up even more and they finally gave up on me).  I unfortunately have been one that turns to food when I'm stressed and I know that definitely needs to change.  That stress eating is making me not happy with what I see in the mirror which is making me even more stressed.  These are not good feelings overall...  I know that I have brought all of this on myself and I do own that - now I just have to take measures to change it.  Once I figure out what those changes are...

I know that this week's post is short but I think I'm going to bring this to a close for tonight, try to relax a little before going to bed and hopefully get some sleep before going into work tomorrow.  I already know that tomorrow I'm going to be slightly short staffed as well as having to entertain at some point in the afternoon some of the "higher ups" who are coming for a building/program tour.  I just have to remember to take things one at a time and do the best that I can at any given moment.  But for now, I'm going to switch the brain switch to off...

Putting things in perspective

I was faced with a draining week that left me exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally.  After such a crazy week, I decided to treat myself to a movie after work on Friday.  I went to opening night of the movie but I guess too many people hadn't heard about it since the theatre didn't have too many of the seats filled.  Looking back, my movie choice might not have been the best after such a draining week but I thought the movie was fabulous (I went and saw Wish I Was Here and if you don't know the premise, the movie is about a man who's questioning his life when he finds out his father is dying).  Parts of the movie were difficult to digest but I think they gave me some things to think about.

One of the thoughts presented in the movie was the main character and his brother imagined themselves as super heroes growing up but now maybe they weren't the heroes but ones that needed saving.  That put some things into an interesting perspective for me -- I have often felt the need to "save" others and while I don't want to necessarily be a damsel in distress, it would be nice to be saved every so often.  It might be less exhausting that way at least...

I'm not sure if it's because I had such a rough week or what but I have been feeling like in different aspects of my life I'm taking one step forward, four back, three in a circle, down a winding path, in the dark and the batteries in my flashlight are dead.  I have heard the saying that sometimes you must be lost in order to find yourself and maybe that's the path that I'm on since I definitely feel lost.  I'm sure that's some of the stress talking but it is how I've been feeling.  I feel as if I've been questioning so many different things that I don't have the answers for anything and that's not a feeling I like.

Because I have perfectionist tendencies, I still haven't made it a full work week leaving when I'm "supposed" to.  I think I need to do a better job in adopting Yoda's philosophy of "do or do not there is no try" when it comes to leaving at the end of my day.  In my head I know that they can survive without me (they've done it when I've been away on training or on vacation) but I have a tendency to say "oh, I'll just do one more thing and then I'll leave..." and that turns into another thing and another and another...  I know that I need to get to the point where I just leave and know that the work will be there for me to accomplish the next day.  Since I often try to cram as much work as I can into each day, there are times I have to redo the work the next day because I completed it while tired; not a good combination.

Well, I know this is a shorter post tonight but I should probably bring this to a close so I can get some sleep tonight.  This upcoming week is the last week of summer programming for my building and while it's been fun, I am SO ready for it to be over...  I am going to leave this week on time (see how I didn't write try to leave on time?!) and we'll see how all of that goes.  I hope each and everyone of you have a wonderful week ahead and I hope to see you back here next week!  =)

Progress

I need to start this week's post with a confession (I haven't done that in some time)...  While I didn't end up working 8-hour days this past week, I did manage to only work three 12-hour days and two 10-hour days.  On Wednesday and Thursday I walked out of the building after putting in a 10-hour shift and I have to admit that it felt pretty good doing it.  I didn't necessarily do anything exciting with my extra time - one day I went shopping (just for little odds and ends) and the other day I went for a 40 minute walk around a big lake that's near the ocean.  Even though I didn't do things that most people would see as very exciting, I felt those two days to be extremely liberating.  I will just have to make sure to do it again...

On the two days that I left work "early," I was tempted to bring work home with me.  I am very glad that I talked myself out of it because that would have been counterproductive to leaving work before putting in a 12-hour day.  It's not that I had things that were pressing to bring home I just felt slightly guilty leaving work before working the hours I've been doing all summer thus far.  In my rational thoughts, I know that I have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about since I've been working 60-hour work weeks up until this past one where I only worked 56.  I'm shooting for another week where I attempt to work 8-hour days but I'll take 10-hour ones as well.  We'll see how well that goes for me...

I know that I definitely need to work on not feeling guilty about things such as only working a 10-hour work day (especially when everyone else in the building only is required to work 8-hour days).  I don't quite know how to go about not feeling guilty but it is something for me to work on.  This past week at work, I started to read a book on the importance of not shouldering the tasks of others but to empower them to complete the tasks for themselves.  This is not a foreign concept to me but following through with it is foreign.  The people-pleaser in me needs to get beyond wanting to "fix it" for everyone so I don't continue to allow my entire candle to melt (please refer to last week's post if you're confused).

Something else that I was able to make progress with is I ate breakfast every day before work this past week.  I had three days of different types of scrambled eggs (made in the microwave in a coffee cup) and two days of different types of granola.  They weren't necessarily overly exciting meals but I did find that I had more energy so I feel as if the effort was worth it.  I have found some yummy looking smoothie recipes that I'm hoping to try this upcoming work week just to try some things that are different (since I tend to get bored eating the same types of things over and over - ironic since I had yogurt and pretzels almost every day for lunch all four years in high school).

I've been working again with portion control and not necessarily denying myself things I want but limiting the quantity I allow myself.  I've been counting food into bags so I can take the baggies to work (one at a time) rather than having the entire box sitting on my desk.  I have tried just not buying it in the past but I find that I fall off the proverbial diet wagon faster when I do so have learned that course of action isn't the best for me.  Just like everything else, I guess it's just a work in progress.

Another area in which I'm going to attempt to make some progress is I'm looking for a new potential piece of music to use with my sword.  I love the piece that I've been dancing to but I'm looking for another piece to add to my repertoire.  I haven't found anything yet but I know the "vibe" I'm looking for it to have so that's a step in the right direction.  I'm hoping to find a piece that has a "warrior" feel to it (Mom is working to design a new costume for me which I know makes me a very lucky gal!!!) and I know it's out there somewhere just waiting for me to stumble across it.

I'm also working on helping out my sleep patterns some since I don't always get the best of sleep.  On that note, I should probably bring this to a close and get my things together for my work day tomorrow.  Wish me luck in leaving the building at least early (for me) tomorrow and I'll let you know how that all works out for me.  I hope that you have a fabulous week ahead of you and that you can do at least one thing each day that's just for you!  =)