Over the last two weeks, I put in so many hours of OT at work that I feel as if I should be doing a residency to become a doctor... The next few weeks are going to be the same. We have some huge projects going on at work and I am doing my best to help tackle them. I spent the last week at work setting up what I need in order to get one huge project going and this next week is going to have me assembling the skeleton of the project and getting as much work done each day as I possibly can. I have a plan of action that I feel pretty good about so we'll see how much I get accomplished...
Even with working so many hours, I'm still trying to find a balance between work, home, dance, stress and just life in general. I did get a little bit more sleep this past week but I do know that it wasn't all restful sleep so that's something for me to work on. I wish there was a way for me to just turn my brain off before going to bed but there unfortunately isn't. I think maybe I need to go back to something I did when I was in college -- I started each day with a "to do" list. I crossed off what I was able to accomplish and at the end of the day, whatever I didn't accomplish went onto the next days list. Even though I was a full time student with a part time job when I was in college, I slept more than I do now. Maybe the list was helpful. I don't know why I didn't think about doing that before now but it's worth a shot anyway...
I had something come up at work this past week that hasn't come up in some time -- there is someone relatively new and the subject of my divorce came up (just in "getting to know you" conversation). As I was talking with them about it, they looked at me and said, "you know you didn't deserve that, right? You, as a person, didn't deserve that and you are worthy of so much more." Their statement caught me off guard. There are days that I know that I didn't deserve how the divorce came to be and there are still those days that I do go back to that 'dark' place of feeling as if I did/do somehow deserve it. Although I still have some days when I go back to the thought of blaming myself, I definitely see it as making progress that those days are fewer and far between as they used to be -- and that's a very good thing.
When the dark days come, I just have to remind myself how far I've come yet still be okay with having those dark days. I used to focus on having the bad days and that being anti-progress of some sort. I'm learning that having those bad days are alright and I will be able to overcome them along with everything else I have. I am quickly approaching one of the biggest milestones yet from all of this divorce mess and I can't wait to tell you about it, dear readers but I'm going to wait until it happens (in just about 2 weeks) before I write about it. Sorry, that I just mentioned it and am leaving it hanging but I really want to wait until it happens before I write more about it (it's been 5 years so I think I can wait 2 more weeks...).
On that note, my dear readers, I think I'm going to sign off for tonight before I write more than I "should." ;) I hope you have a fabulous week and I will write more next week.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Stress
I have learned (yet again) this past week that stress can manifest itself in different ways for different people. For me, no matter how hard I try to sleep when I'm stressed, sleep will either elude me or if I do sleep it's not restful sleep. I knew I was stressed this past week at work but didn't realize just how stressed I was until my Mom told me today that she could feel my stress through the phone... Sorry, Mom...
I think one of the things that I need to do is find a way to squeeze working out into my busy schedule. My thought in doing this is two-fold -- 1. I think it might help make me more tired and I'll sleep each night and 2. I tend to de-stress some when I'm working out. Because my day-to-day can be pretty hectic, all I want to do is sit when I come home at the end of the day (and that is on the days that I don't have something going on after work). What I need to do is start looking at my schedule and streamlining it where I can. We'll see how that goes for me...
This past week at work I was given the opportunity to go to a facilitator training and then use that knowledge to train the staff at our quarterly staff meeting. The topic was an uncomfortable one yet we all made it through the training (it was on the topic of sexual assault prevention and response). The other person trained to facilitate was my boss and we presented the training together. When we gave the training, there was a counselor present who said we did a very good job in working with one another throughout the training. When I went through my training, the boss of my boss was there and she congratulated me on this opportunity. I hope I don't let the boss or upper management down...
Another aspect in which I hope I don't let people down is this next week I have to give two other training presentations and it's been several months since I've had to present the information. I'm sure my co-trainer and I will do just fine - I think I'm just getting butterflies. Just got to breathe it out...
On Wednesday I got a phone call from a dancer who had a show yesterday about 45 minutes from here. She called me because one of her dancers cancelled and she thought of me as a possible replacement. I was very honored that she thought of me. When I was messing around with my make up, I tried some new things that I really liked (and am looking forward to using those techniques again). During my dance, I tried some things that I learned from the sword workshop I attended when I was home that was given by a martial artist. It was an amazing workshop and I was glad I was successful at the new techniques/tricks. I look forward to performing them again -- I'll actually have the opportunity again in a couple of weeks because she invited me back.
Even though I have a very busy week ahead of me, I'm really hoping that it's not as stressful as this past week has been. Or if it is stressful, I hope that I can find a way to handle it better than I have (I don't want to pass stress along to someone else - especially through the phone - again). I know that I didn't write too much this week, dear readers, but I think I need to sign off this for tonight, turn off the technology and do something to relax before bed in the hope I sleep tonight. I wish you all opportunities to let your freak flags fly this week and that stress doesn't find it's way to overwhelm you!
I think one of the things that I need to do is find a way to squeeze working out into my busy schedule. My thought in doing this is two-fold -- 1. I think it might help make me more tired and I'll sleep each night and 2. I tend to de-stress some when I'm working out. Because my day-to-day can be pretty hectic, all I want to do is sit when I come home at the end of the day (and that is on the days that I don't have something going on after work). What I need to do is start looking at my schedule and streamlining it where I can. We'll see how that goes for me...
This past week at work I was given the opportunity to go to a facilitator training and then use that knowledge to train the staff at our quarterly staff meeting. The topic was an uncomfortable one yet we all made it through the training (it was on the topic of sexual assault prevention and response). The other person trained to facilitate was my boss and we presented the training together. When we gave the training, there was a counselor present who said we did a very good job in working with one another throughout the training. When I went through my training, the boss of my boss was there and she congratulated me on this opportunity. I hope I don't let the boss or upper management down...
Another aspect in which I hope I don't let people down is this next week I have to give two other training presentations and it's been several months since I've had to present the information. I'm sure my co-trainer and I will do just fine - I think I'm just getting butterflies. Just got to breathe it out...
On Wednesday I got a phone call from a dancer who had a show yesterday about 45 minutes from here. She called me because one of her dancers cancelled and she thought of me as a possible replacement. I was very honored that she thought of me. When I was messing around with my make up, I tried some new things that I really liked (and am looking forward to using those techniques again). During my dance, I tried some things that I learned from the sword workshop I attended when I was home that was given by a martial artist. It was an amazing workshop and I was glad I was successful at the new techniques/tricks. I look forward to performing them again -- I'll actually have the opportunity again in a couple of weeks because she invited me back.
Even though I have a very busy week ahead of me, I'm really hoping that it's not as stressful as this past week has been. Or if it is stressful, I hope that I can find a way to handle it better than I have (I don't want to pass stress along to someone else - especially through the phone - again). I know that I didn't write too much this week, dear readers, but I think I need to sign off this for tonight, turn off the technology and do something to relax before bed in the hope I sleep tonight. I wish you all opportunities to let your freak flags fly this week and that stress doesn't find it's way to overwhelm you!
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Me
What I thought were allergies last week, turned into a pretty nasty/wicked cold. I have had a plugged head (severe nasal congestion), a cough where I was hacking all sorts of things up and with all of the coughing, I ended up losing my voice. After a couple of days of snuffing and coughing stuff up, I went to the drug store pharmacy counter to buy a box of the "good" medication. I understand the necessity for being careful with medication and all but as I'm standing there coughing up a lung is it really necessary to question if I'm sick or not? Once I finished signing my life away for my medication I was on the road to feeling better. I'm still not 100% (and I did take a couple of hours off of work on Friday and have taken naps Friday, yesterday and today) but I'm feeling way more up to the task of facing the week ahead than I did last Sunday. I guess that's a good thing.
I decided this week that I'm once again going to need to work on my comeback lines or at least have a couple of "go to" ones to use depending on the situation. I had a random individual approach me this past week and told me, "I applaud your lifestyle choice." What I wish I would have said right back to them was, "and which lifestyle choice are you referring to?" I didn't realize a woman who lets her freak flag fly and has an amazing short haircut needs to have her "lifestyle choices" applauded or questioned. Granted, I shouldn't have necessarily assumed she was referring to my sexual preferences (even though I'm about 95% sure that's what she was referring to) but it is what it is at this point. I guess I just have to get better at asking for clarification rather than just walking way (which is what I did in this instance).
If this individual meant anything by her statement or not, I'm not going to let it get to me. Am I going to change my hairstyle just because someone I don't know doesn't like it? No way! I love it and am still having fun with it and that's what's important to me. I'm happy that people I work/dance with like it but if they didn't I still wouldn't change it back. That's an important step for me. There was a time that if people didn't like something I'd done to change my image, I would have asked for their opinion and then changed it back. Now, I love my new hair (and have loved it since I saw the original photo of it) and wouldn't change it for anyone. Maybe I am making progress after all...
I had the opportunity to read someone else's blog post this week and as I was reading it, some of what they had written is what I've done. They were writing about the times they have given other people permission to control what she does in her life. She had decided she wanted her hair to be pink -- rather than just going for it, she let the opinions of others talk her out of dying her hair pink. After some time had passed, she realized that while she really did value their opinions, she still wanted pink hair and she decided to go for it. She wrote that when she gave herself permission to control her own life, she felt better not only about the decisions she was making but she also felt better about herself. Her post really hit home with me.
There have been times that I have wanted to do things for myself and I have either let others talk me out of those decisions or I have let what I thought their opinions be talk myself out it what I've wanted to do. One of the things I decided for myself (other than my haircut) when I was on my vacation was I got a new tattoo. I know I've mentioned that in other posts but I haven't gone into much detail about it. This tattoo is on my arm and it takes up almost all of the outer side of my upper arm. The design is two lotus flowers with smoke curling out of them and at the top of the smoke is the ohm symbol. Some people have asked me if I've changed religions because I got the ohm symbol in my tattoo and that's not why I got it. There are many explanations surrounding the ohm symbol in a tattoo -- the one that struck me was evolution. I am working on my personal evolution/growth. The lotus flowers grow in mud and yet are beautiful flowers -- something that I am working on doing for myself. The tattoo is symbolic for me and that's what should matter. I know people have opinions on tattoos and on tattoo meanings, but I did this for me and that's what I find to be important.
Well, my dear readers, because I've been sick all this week, I should probably sign off for this evening and think about going to bed on time. I hope we all have a week filled with muchness and possibilities!
I decided this week that I'm once again going to need to work on my comeback lines or at least have a couple of "go to" ones to use depending on the situation. I had a random individual approach me this past week and told me, "I applaud your lifestyle choice." What I wish I would have said right back to them was, "and which lifestyle choice are you referring to?" I didn't realize a woman who lets her freak flag fly and has an amazing short haircut needs to have her "lifestyle choices" applauded or questioned. Granted, I shouldn't have necessarily assumed she was referring to my sexual preferences (even though I'm about 95% sure that's what she was referring to) but it is what it is at this point. I guess I just have to get better at asking for clarification rather than just walking way (which is what I did in this instance).
If this individual meant anything by her statement or not, I'm not going to let it get to me. Am I going to change my hairstyle just because someone I don't know doesn't like it? No way! I love it and am still having fun with it and that's what's important to me. I'm happy that people I work/dance with like it but if they didn't I still wouldn't change it back. That's an important step for me. There was a time that if people didn't like something I'd done to change my image, I would have asked for their opinion and then changed it back. Now, I love my new hair (and have loved it since I saw the original photo of it) and wouldn't change it for anyone. Maybe I am making progress after all...
I had the opportunity to read someone else's blog post this week and as I was reading it, some of what they had written is what I've done. They were writing about the times they have given other people permission to control what she does in her life. She had decided she wanted her hair to be pink -- rather than just going for it, she let the opinions of others talk her out of dying her hair pink. After some time had passed, she realized that while she really did value their opinions, she still wanted pink hair and she decided to go for it. She wrote that when she gave herself permission to control her own life, she felt better not only about the decisions she was making but she also felt better about herself. Her post really hit home with me.
There have been times that I have wanted to do things for myself and I have either let others talk me out of those decisions or I have let what I thought their opinions be talk myself out it what I've wanted to do. One of the things I decided for myself (other than my haircut) when I was on my vacation was I got a new tattoo. I know I've mentioned that in other posts but I haven't gone into much detail about it. This tattoo is on my arm and it takes up almost all of the outer side of my upper arm. The design is two lotus flowers with smoke curling out of them and at the top of the smoke is the ohm symbol. Some people have asked me if I've changed religions because I got the ohm symbol in my tattoo and that's not why I got it. There are many explanations surrounding the ohm symbol in a tattoo -- the one that struck me was evolution. I am working on my personal evolution/growth. The lotus flowers grow in mud and yet are beautiful flowers -- something that I am working on doing for myself. The tattoo is symbolic for me and that's what should matter. I know people have opinions on tattoos and on tattoo meanings, but I did this for me and that's what I find to be important.
Well, my dear readers, because I've been sick all this week, I should probably sign off for this evening and think about going to bed on time. I hope we all have a week filled with muchness and possibilities!
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Weary...
My dear readers, I want to begin this weeks post with an apology... I have over-extended myself this week and find myself exhausted today. I went back to work this week and worked extra hours each day (which will be fabulous when it comes time to receive said paycheck) and taught three days at the dance studio (I don't believe I have written about this yet, but my dance instructor was in a car accident the week before I went on vacation and she asked me if I could take over teaching the classes in her absence) for a performance today. Today's performance was about 2.5 hours away and I drove myself and a fellow dancer to the event. Luckily there was only really 2 small traffic snags that slowed us down but they didn't slow us down too much. On top of all that, I woke up this AM not feeling my best. At this point I'm not entirely sure if it's allergies or the beginning of a cold but the combination of everything has definitely left me weary.
Looking back, I should've realized something was up with me yesterday because I ended up taking a nap for about 2.5 - 3 hours. I desperately wanted a nap today but there was no way it could happen because I was the one doing the driving. I am really hoping that I can catch up on some sleep tonight in order to get a jump start on my busy week ahead. The way I'm feeling though, I really don't think it will be difficult to get sleep tonight.
This past week at work and at the dance studio, I got lots of compliments on my new hairstyle! I even had one person tell me I looked as many as 10 years younger! That was a much needed boost to my psyche. One of the reasons why I felt as if I needed a new "look" was I felt as if the look I had stayed with (that had slight variations) for the last 10 years or so was because it was "safe." My new look is very different from what I have had in the past and I love it! While I was trying hard to not care if other people liked it because I loved it, it feels good to know that people I work with and spend time dancing with like it as well.
Well, my dear readers, unfortunately I am falling asleep at the keyboard and while there is more that I wanted to write tonight, I think it is time for me to sign off in order to head to bed. I wish you all a fabulous week and I hope our freak flags have the opportunity to fly loud and proud! =)
Looking back, I should've realized something was up with me yesterday because I ended up taking a nap for about 2.5 - 3 hours. I desperately wanted a nap today but there was no way it could happen because I was the one doing the driving. I am really hoping that I can catch up on some sleep tonight in order to get a jump start on my busy week ahead. The way I'm feeling though, I really don't think it will be difficult to get sleep tonight.
This past week at work and at the dance studio, I got lots of compliments on my new hairstyle! I even had one person tell me I looked as many as 10 years younger! That was a much needed boost to my psyche. One of the reasons why I felt as if I needed a new "look" was I felt as if the look I had stayed with (that had slight variations) for the last 10 years or so was because it was "safe." My new look is very different from what I have had in the past and I love it! While I was trying hard to not care if other people liked it because I loved it, it feels good to know that people I work with and spend time dancing with like it as well.
Well, my dear readers, unfortunately I am falling asleep at the keyboard and while there is more that I wanted to write tonight, I think it is time for me to sign off in order to head to bed. I wish you all a fabulous week and I hope our freak flags have the opportunity to fly loud and proud! =)
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