Food battles...

I've noticed something in the past week...  Eating healthier is more expensive and way more time consuming than I expected it to be...  I know that by washing, cutting up and putting my veggies in baggies before putting them in the refrigerator will save me time in the long run when packing my lunches each morning but still.  After going grocery shopping today, I ended up spending about another hour and a half prepping my veggies for the week and slicing cheese for my lunches for the week.  My hands still smell like a combination of celery, carrots and cheddar cheese even though I've washed them.  Granted, doing all of the work ahead of time did make my time in the mornings easier this past week (I just had to toss everything into my lunch bag) and while I threw my lunches together I had the blender running to make my breakfasts.  I'm starting to think about food in a different way and I really hope that all of this work is going to be for the better in the long run.  I guess only time will tell...

I normally am not one who eats breakfast in the morning but I did find that I felt better this past week even having just a fruit smoothie/shake in the morning as I went to work.  I also found that I wasn't as hungry for lunch because I had breakfast in the morning (lunches were simple too -- baggies with baby carrots, celery sticks, veggie dip, cheese cubes and an apple).  We'll see if I'll be able to continue these lunches since I do tend to get bored with food over time.  Being bored with food is not necessarily a good thing because that's when it's too easy to fall back into "bad" yet more convenient food choices.

I'm trying to make some more positive changes in my life I guess and I'm starting with the simple I guess.  It's not the easiest to change ones food choices (especially with what my schedule looks like any given day/week) but it is definitely something that I need to get better about.  I also know that I need to once again get back into a workout routine but that's a different story entirely.  I have a full length mirror hanging in my bedroom but yesterday I saw myself at a store in a three-way mirror and I was very disheartened by what I saw...  Back to work I guess...

I think part of the problem is I know in my head that I've needed to get back into having a workout schedule but I've lacked the motivation in order to keep myself on said schedule.  I am however looking at the possibility of going home for a visit this summer again so that's going to be some of my motivation to get my butt in gear (if I go home in the summer that means I'll be living in a bathing suit while I'm there!).  I know that I need to do this for myself but this might be the motivation to help get me to where I need to be in the long run.  That's what I'm hoping at least....

I know that this new mindset when it comes to food is only part of the battle.  I know that if I'm going to continue to be successful in meeting my weight loss goals I also need to learn new/different/"better" ways to manage my stress levels.  That, in and of itself, is going to prove to be a challenge for me.  I know that managing stress is an important factor in any weight loss routine and it's something that I really need how to work on.  One of the things that I really think that will help my stress levels is learning how to leave work at work and not bring it home with me at the end of the day.  If there's nothing I can do about it at the end of the day, why should I bring it home and worry about it?  It will still be at work waiting for me the next day so that's where I should leave those issues.  For me, that's way easier said than done but it's something that I know I need to work on.

Since my food for the week is prepped, I guess it's about that time that I shut this down for the evening and put all of my laundry away.  This week I have lots going on so if there are small things I can do ahead of time to make life easier, that's what I'm going to try to do.  I hope you're able to do the same!  (If you have any suggestions for me, feel free to comment!)

Feelings

I was reminded of something today...  I was reminded that my feelings are just as valid and important as the feelings of those around me.  This isn't necessarily a foreign concept to me but it is a difficult one for me to internalize and connect with on a daily basis.  This is something that I know that I need to change.  I need to focus on myself with the same diligence and passion that I focus on others in my life.  As I've written on numerous occasions, I work so hard on a regular basis to help those around me that I get pushed to the wayside.  And pushing myself to the wayside is something I do almost on autopilot and it's something I do without second thought (except to kick myself later over doing it).  Yes, I know I've said it before, but this is something that I'm going to work on.

If I want those around me to treat me with respect and to not just push me by the wayside, I have to stop doing it to myself.  I have to learn lead by example in this aspect and I'm not quite sure how I'm going to do that yet...  One of the things that was suggested to me is to think about what I might say in certain situations while I'm in a "rational" state of mind so that when I find myself in a stressful/emotional situation, I will have my "catch phrase(s)" on hand and ready so I won't feel flustered.  I find that when I get into stressful situations I go either into "shut down" mode or I go into the "fly off the handle" mode and neither of those are productive.  I need to find a way to plan ahead and know what I'm going to say in those situations (even if it's just "I need to take a step back, think about it, and I'll then get back to you") and go from there.

As I sit here thinking about things, I think I have become an expert at deflection and focus on helping others so I don't have to help myself.  That's something that needs to change in order for me to continue to help those around me.  If people don't see that I'm willing to put in the effort to help me, why should they turn to me for assistance or to take my advice when it's offered?  I know that I won't be able to fix things over night but because I've brought it to my own attention, maybe it's now something that I can begin to work on...  We'll see...

I think a big part of this stems from once again feeling over stressed and not currently having an outlet to change that stress for myself.  Yes, I'm still dancing however, we're preparing for a really big/important show in a month so that's stressful in and of itself.  I guess this is just an opportunity for me to challenge myself within my personal dancing as my outlet for stress relief and see how that goes.  If that doesn't work, I just may have to think about something else...  I'm not sure what that avenue of stress relief may be at this point but I may need to get out my thinking cap...  On the upside to a new performance though, Mom completed/sent me a beautiful costume this past week (even though it offered it's own set of challenges/stress to her as she worked on it) and I'm taking it to the studio tomorrow to show it off.  It's a costume that is the complete opposite of something I would normally gravitate towards but Mom did an amazing job with it and I hope I will do it justice when I dance in it.

Tomorrow is a day that I get to have off of work and I'm hoping that I can spend at least a little bit of time on myself.  Not focusing necessarily on things that I feel as if I have to do but on things that I want to do.  As it's getting later, I'm not sure what I'm going to spend my time on tomorrow but I'm hoping that it will be something fun.  I think for tonight though I'm going to bring this to a close, maybe curl up on the couch with the dogs and watch a movie or something.  Have a great week, dear readers!

Make a change

I read something posted on Facebook today that I wasn't sure how to take...  Someone I know posted, "Why does a drowning person refuse to take hold of the lifesaver that is thrown to them?"  Wow.  There are several things that I wanted to post in response to their question but I didn't.  I wanted to say that:

• Sometimes people may want to take hold of the lifesaver but don't know how.
• Sometimes you can be so overwhelmed with a problem that you can't see that you are in fact drowning.
• There are times that when you're in the mix of it, you don't want help because you want to try and find your own way out of your problem(s).
• Grabbing the lifesaver won't cure the problem - it may keep you from drowning at the moment but that doesn't mean you still can't drown.
• Just because someone says something is unsinkable doesn't make it true.  Remember the Titanic?

Sorry.  Got off on a bit of a tangent there because that statement hit a nerve.  I've had people bring up this concept of being "saved" to me before.  I don't want to be saved.  Yes, there have been plenty of times where I may have needed assistance (some times I've needed more assistance than others) but as I've stated before, I have never wanted to be the damsel in distress type and I still don't want that.  Granted, I'm doing better with realizing that asking for help isn't necessarily a sign of weakness but I know I'm not there yet.  I also know that it's okay for me to admit I'm still a work in progress.

Maybe part of this is coming from the upcoming "holiday" this week on Thursday -- Valentine's Day.  Between the commercials on every channel, the movies/shows on TV, and what's being sold in stores, those of us who aren't in a relationship or who aren't ready (or don't want to) sign up for an online dating website are in trouble this time of year.  I know that Valentine's Day is a very commercialized holiday (and I'll admit that I have participated in this day with a loved one in the past and that I have bought Valentine cards for my students) but it is still a difficult time of year.  Maybe what I need to do is to just ignore the commercialism going on currently and just focus on what else is going on at this time of year.

I'm going to make an effort this year to really examine what I sacrifice for the season of Lent.  Since coming back after my visit with family, I have fallen into old habits of food and not working out and I need to get back to where I was before my trip.  I'm getting frustrated with myself for putting on a few of the pounds that I lost and rather on working on it again, I've been beating myself up over it.  Even though I know that's counterproductive, I'm unfortunately doing it anyway.  I have learned, for myself, that denying myself certain foods doesn't work but to limit portions does work.  I have also learned what kind of workouts I can do and get results from but I also know that it might be time to integrate other types of workouts into my routine.  I just know that I have to do something...

Maybe, at this point, I just need to remind myself of something that I had to tell myself awhile ago...  I need to just keep swimming in order to keep going.  I'll let you know how that goes for me...

Recharge/Refresh

Many things happened this week left me very close (but not quite) to singing the childhood song "nobody likes me..... everybody hates me..... guess I'll go eat worms..."  So, instead of singing this particular song, yesterday I opted to work on singing a different tune.  I cuddled up on the couch with the dogs and popped in the movie that inspired my writing namesake "GYPSY" (once again, if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend that you do!).

But I'm getting ahead of myself some...  Yesterday, after waking up very early on a Saturday, I decided that I needed to do something out of the ordinary - that I needed to have my own adventure.  I decided to take myself whale watching.  It's been about a year and a half since I've been (the last time I went was when my Mom was visiting) and I woke up yesterday morning thinking it was time to change that.  After debating my choice with myself, and debating it with my parents and one of my brothers via text messages, I dressed in very warm layers and went.  I don't know why I decided yesterday was the day or what even made me decide to have this particular adventure but I'm glad that I did it.  Yes, it was cold and overcast but the wildlife didn't know that (and it made it so the boat was only about half full).  We were able to see otters (even some mommies with their pups hitching a ride on their tummies), seals, Sea Lions, Sea Nettles (wicked looking jellyfish), moon jellies, kelp, a couple of dolphins and approximately 10-12 gray whales (one of the other boats reported that they thought they saw a humpback but we weren't so lucky).

While I've now been whale watching a total of three times, each time was a unique experience.  The first time I went was with both parents, second time was just Mom and I, and the third time I was alone.  The first two times were nice because I had other people to share the experience with but I feel like yesterday's experience was an opportunity for me to prove something to myself -- that it's perfectly okay to say that I need to take a day to do something for me in order to recharge my "inner self battery."  I know that I've said before that this is something I want/need to really start working on.  After my day yesterday, this is something I know I must do for myself...  No longer a "need" to do but it has moved to the "must" do list.

After the boat docked, I walked to the other end of the wharf and went to the little restaurant Mom and I found after we went whale watching and I ate crepes.  I enjoyed one that was made with ham, eggs and cheese and then I had one that was made with lemon and sugar (it's simple but it's FABULOUS!).  Since I was super cold after being out on the water, I also ordered a warm caramel apple cider (tastes just like a liquefied caramel apple!).  Yes, I know that I ate way too many calories but I didn't care!  It was exactly what I wanted so that's what I had.  When the yummy deliciousness was gone, I headed home.

In an effort to warm up when I got home (my toes still felt like ice cubes even though I wore thick socks), I hopped into a nice toasty shower and then put on clothes to just relax in.  That's when the dogs and I curled up on the couch to watch GYPSY.  I think it was really good for me to watch the movie (since it's been some time since I have) because I think I lost some of my connection to the character who inspired my writing name.  I think I might need Mom to send me the cow to remind me how far I've come (it's a reference from the movie if you're confused).  Once the movie ended, I took a much needed nap on the couch.

For some reason, almost every night this week, I was wide away at 3 am, tossed and turned until about 6 am, fell back asleep and my alarm went of at 6:30 am.  I have NO IDEA what caused me to be wide awake at that awful time and then toss and turn but it's something that I really hope doesn't make a repeat performance this upcoming week.  I know that it would be difficult to get through another week of work with as little sleep as I had last week.  Hopefully my personal adventure yesterday and my nap will have refreshed me enough to get through the week ahead of me (it's going to be a busy week).

I am going to make an effort to create more personal adventures in order for me to recharge and continue to work on my quest (if you have any suggestions for adventures, please feel free to comment!).  I wish you the best of luck on your own personal adventures!