Have you ever had one of those days?

I had a feeling today wouldn't be great when I woke-up after a crummy night's sleep and on my way to work, my "check engine light" went off on my car... Ugh! Then when I called about having it checked out, they tried giving me the run around. "Well, we can't see it this weekend.... but I can't tell you if it's safe to keep driving without seeing it... so I can give you an appointment for next weekend... Are you sure you have to drive it until then.....?" Um, yeah. I do need to drive it until then 'cause, oh, yeah, I'm single and only have one vehicle!

Then if that wasn't bad enough, at work today, things just seemed to go from bad to worse. I don't know if that was partially because I didn't sleep very well or what but by approximately 9 o'clock this morning, I just wanted to crawl into bed and throw the covers over my head.

I'm hoping tomorrow will be better but I guess only time will tell...

(I would write more, but because it's been a long day, my brain is shutting down so thoughts are becoming more incoherent. Hopefully by my next post I will have had better sleep and can write with fewer problems.... no guarantee though...) =)

Where does the time go?

Looking at the date today, I can't believe where the time has gone... It has been 11 months since my "wasband" left me a letter saying he was leaving me and that he had moved out. Yes, I received this information in a letter. If that wasn't shock enough, he claims to have told me the reasons behind all of this in the letter and that information isn't in the letter. Maybe one day I'll come to terms with not knowing the reasons...

From the changing of the seasons I know that time has passed, I just sometimes have trouble realizing it's been almost a year. Looking back, I know a lot has happened so it has to be almost a year - - my wasband left me, served me with divorce papers two days after what would have been our 5 year anniversary, my divorce has become finalized, I have moved into my own apartment (my first one ever), I have lost just over 50 lbs., and I am realizing what I can do on my own.

I used to think I needed my wasband to do things for me. I now realize that I liked the things he did for me but I didn't and don't need him. Yes, it would be nice to have a husband and have my own family but I don't need to have one.

There are still times where I question where my future is leading me but I know that I will just have to wait and see. I know that I've been writing a lot about the future, but I think that's because it's so uncertain. Yes, the future is uncertain for everyone, but there are times that my future aren't necessarily dark/black, but it's fuzzy. I guess I just feel that with this VERY fuzzy last year, that I would have a glimpse into one part of my future. While I realize that I have no reason to think I'm going to get that glimpse, it would still be nice....

But on the other hand, if we, as humans, were given the opportunity to see the future, we would probably do something to screw it up. Although it's difficult to believe 100% of the time, I know that as a human, I don't always make the best decisions. If I knew what my future held, I would either get scared and run the other direction or I would make a decision that would change my future. So, I guess it's best that my future is fuzzy....

I am working on being okay with what my future holds (even if I don't know what it is). I want to send a BIG thank you to my family and friends who are helping to encourage me to find the joy in the day to day journey.

Glad my lights are back on =)

When your lights are off for almost 24 hours, there's not a lot you can do. Last night, I had some paperwork to do for my job and I had to complete that by candlelight (no wonder my eyes have been sore all day). When I finally finished the paperwork, my apartment was really quiet. So I decided to turn on my computer and watch a movie. Luckily, my laptop had enough power to get me through the movie and then I decided to go to bed.

While I was laying in the dark, I did a lot of thinking. I've actually had lots of time to think lately... I haven't necessarily liked some of the thoughts that have been floating around in my head. Have you ever felt like no matter what choices you make, you are disappointing someone? Even if at the time you feel as if it's a decision you need/have to make? That's how I've been feeling lately...

This last week, I decided to get my second tattoo. I had the outline of a phoenix and lotus flower put on the top of my right foot. I chose this design because the phoenix rises from the ashes and a lotus flower grows in mud but is a beautiful flower. I wanted a reminder of this so I chose to have it put on my foot so I could see it (I also chose this location because I knew it would hurt and thought after this last year, I needed it to hurt). I didn't want to have it filled in because I don't feel as if I'm filled in yet.

Someone asked me the question, "why didn't you just get a picture to hang on the wall instead of getting a tattoo?" My answer is, I need a reminder that I can take with me, see anytime I need a reminder of where I've been in my past and where I hope my life will lead me in the future.

This wasn't a snap decision, I've actually been thinking about it for the last year. I was going back and forth between getting a phoenix and a lotus flower but then I found the design that was a combination of the two. I'm very pleased with the design but I feel bad that it's upsetting to other people. I know that eventually, once it's fully healed, I can cover it up with a shoe and then it will just be for me.

There are some things I feel I need to do for me. I can actually do things for me. That's not a concept I've fully grasped yet. I also don't know where those things will lead me yet, and even though the journey is scary, I'm going to continue on my way. As someone wise reminded me, "there is a joy in the journey..."

I miss my old couch...

Well, I've spent most of my day moving furniture and boxes around in my apartment (trying to take some of my landlords furniture out so I could bring my table and chairs inside from off of my porch since it's supposed to pour this week). Now that I'm sitting down, finally, I miss my old couch.... Yes, it was oversized and it was black leather and my wasband LOVED it but it was REALLY comfy!! You could just sink right into it. In one sense, I'm glad to be rid of it - it was pretty ugly. Plus, it kind of fit the old me because it was oversized, and now that I've lost some weight, I could probably get lost in it. But I still miss the comfy-ness of it...

Oh, well. I should be thankful that I have a couch to sit on (there was one in my apartment when I moved in) and a place to live, but this couch isn't overly comfy. It's one of those couches that can pull out into a bed. So I guess that's good, but like I said, isn't overly comfortable.

Well, I emptied two wardrobe boxes today and two tote boxes. I guess progress is progress but I am still overwhelmed with boxes at the moment. I have a feeling that by the time I get around to emptying out the last box, it will be time for me to move for some reason and I'll have to pack everything up again. Ugh! Not a thought that I relish....

Granted, I'm still thinking I might want to move one of these days but I don't know where or when. I have to have a job before I can move and those are few and far between right now. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy my job and I enjoy living where I do but there are so many more things out there and I don't know if this is where I'm meant to be...

There are so many things that I want out of life and I don't feel like I have fulfilled all of them yet. I always expected to be a wife and a mother at this point in my life and while I was married, I'm no longer married and I have no children. Yes, I am VERY thankful at this point that I am not a single mother but I still feel like that is missing from my life. And while I have two furry "children" (my doggies), I still want more. Maybe that makes me greedy but it's still what I want.

Well, even though I have tomorrow off of work, I still have some things that I need to get done for my upcoming week. I will try to write more during the week, Grandma. =)

Have I mentioned lately....

Have I mentioned lately how much I absolutely HATE living out of boxes?!?! I know, I know. If I would just unpack them, I wouldn't have to live out of boxes. The downside is trying to figure out how to make all of my stuff fit into my tiny apartment if I do unpack it all. I know all of the boxes fit but I don't know where to put everything if it comes out of the box... So, that being the case, I guess I will just have to keep living out of boxes until I can come up with a better plan...

I'm annoyed with my boxes today because there is something in particular that I am looking for but it's alluding me for now. Someone wants to borrow some of my books that are currently missing in action and I cannot find them. I know that they are somewhere because I'm pretty sure that I packed all of my books but where is the question. I've been racking my brain though and for the life of me I can't remember packing those particular books... I mean, I can't really complain too much because I unearthed some of my sweatshirts (good since the weather is beginning to cool off) but I'm not finding what I'm looking for. Oh, well. I might just have to tell the person I couldn't find the books and she can feel free to come look through my boxes if she really wants too... I know that I could still be looking for them, but I would rather write, so here I find myself... =)

Ok, I must insert "HOORAY FOR MY MOM!!" because from over the phone she helped me find the books that I was looking for! As the phone rang, I thought to myself that these particular books might not have been in my office but maybe with my teaching/crafting area and my Mom packed that area of my house (once again, I must say "hooray for my Mom" for helping me pack all that she did!!!!). Sure enough, as we talked it through, I located the box that had the books I was looking for. =) YAY MOM!!!

I had a different blog topic planned for this week but then it kind of became superfluous. But it irritated me enough that I'm going to write about it anyway. There are those who will really appreciate this, I think (and others who probably will not)... My soap box for today is, SPOUSAL SUPPORT IS NOT OPTIONAL! It is court ordered and therefor HAS to be paid. For those of you who do not want to pay said spousal support, maybe you shouldn't have pushed to get married/divorced in the first place. As you can probably tell, I thought my wasband was going to choose not to pay spousal support this month but the payment made its way into my bank account. Oh, well. The money appeared and that should be what's important, right?

Well, enough of my diatribe today.... More to come. =)